Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How will I answer?

"Sooo... what was it like??" 
"Heyy girl!! How was Tennessee, was it everything you hoped for?"

By this time next week I will have heard these questions a couple dozen times.
*sigh. How will I answer? I promised myself I would go to bed early tonight but when the darkness sat in after my exciting day my mind took over. Thoughts & thoughts & questions & questions took over. Not in a bad way, just memories, expectations, various discoveries. I mean I have been here for 3.5 months, that is a long time.

Ya know when people go to foreign countries and they come back all radical because they noticed how wasteful or war-hungry our nation is? Well consider Tennessee my 3world country trip but replace selfishness and ethnocentrism- with Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roll. Twice this week I have gone off on two guy friends of mine about how destructive promiscuity is. I mean you can't look at the girl's faces I have been for these months and tell me differently. People get hurt by all of us lonely ones trying to fill a void with semi-good relationships. We need to hold out, stop jumping into everything... especially beds. So I've learned a lot about this topic obviously.

But what else?
Was it everything I had hoped for?
Was there anyone girl I am going to miss?
Did I make a difference?

All I know for sure is- tomorrow I get to see two of my best friends, tonight I can't stop reading her letter, yesterday was a tough day at work and three months ago I had no idea just how faithful and good God really is. As for all the other questions, I don't really know- words don't really explain. I mean how do you tell someone that your entire inner being has completely changed? How do you describe the transformations I have seen? How do you depict the picture of life living in God's favor? 

Today they had another goodbye party for me and the things people said were what I always wanted to hear, the evaluation was everything I wanted to get rated, the letter she gave will forever remind me why it is I do what I do- yet somehow none of that matters now. The affirmation I needed before I no longer need. The constant knocking at the door from Jesus has been answered. The recognition I wanted from my hard work is worthless now. The letting go process has already happened and been healed. I don't care if Tennessee turned out to be what I expected or not. I don't care if I'll work for Mercy again. I just want Him and I want her to know what a life living for Him looks like. Whatever that looks like and whatever I have to do to get there is what matters now.

1 comment:

[Dana] said...

For whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you and happy that going to TN helped you become someone you like to be. That might sound weird, but I know you get what I mean because you're good like that.

Also, not gonna lie, when I started to read the sentence 'Ya know when people go to foreign countries and get all radical...' got a lil nervous it was gonna be directed at me!! Hahaha!