Monday, October 26, 2009

But, she knows it not.

Proverbs 5 (NIV)
"1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
listen well to my words of insight,
2 that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
3 For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
4 but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths are crooked, but she knows it not."

I once learned a way of bible study where you take time
reading one sentence, emphasizing a different word each time.
I can't stop repeating this scripture.... but she knows it not.

*But she knows it not. But, she knows it not.
But she knows it not. But, she knows it not.
But, she knows it not.*

Message bible reads this:
5 She's dancing down the primrose path to Death;
she's headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.
6 She hasn't a clue about Real Life,
about who she is or where she's going. "

*She has no clue about real life.
She has no clue about who she is.
And she has no clue about where she is going.
and to think... she knows it not.*

Booty, God, Booty

you have to check this out!

Check out the video on the page.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Dress Pants & Page Turners

I flipped through the pages, I couldn't wait to get to the end.
I wanted to hear so badly what he had to say.

Somehow I agreed with it all... very surprising.

I was actually ready to hear what Josh Harris had to say.

((author of 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' & 'Boy Meets Girl'))
I kept saying I was going to stop at the end of each chapter,

but every time I got there,
just had to see how he started the next chapter.
fascinating. all so fascinating.
Chapter by chapter my heart began to change.

I guess God had prepared me for it without me even noticing it.

After finishing the book my focus changed.

I began to hope that God was also preparing my heart for

the next chapter of my life.

I called Mercy today to ask about the dress code.
Business Casual.
Monday- Thursday Dress pants only (& skirts etc.)

In my immature mind I often laugh at dress pants
being anywhere near causal...

but I guess I'm glad I have never worked a 'business' job.

((without the 'casual' that is))

After hanging up the phone, my heart began to change.

Yeah, so I love college and all.

And yes,
it is great to be surrounded
by hundreds of people your own age.

With activities planned just for your benefit, weekends spent

basking in our youth,
*living free* and
:::becoming::: who we have always wanted to be.

But I am a.l.r.e.a.d.y that person.
I have turned all the pages I can here.

The story is not over,

but this is the end of a chapter and
I cannot wait to read the beginning of the next!

Monday, October 19, 2009

From the outside...

I started reading the book "Boy meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship" today.
I bought it forever ago, but I was not ready for it then.
I am at least ready to say I was wrong... and I need to do this right this time.
After I finished some chapters I had planned on visiting an old friend
whom is six months pregnant and just found out it is a girl.
To some, this would be disastrous.
She's 21, not married no college degree etc etc..
Before leaving, my step-mother & I went through all of my baby sister's clothes
and gave her three bags worth of beautiful outfits.
I also went and bought some diapers, baby bottle, etc.
I went over to her house thinking I was such a good Christian and friend.
But I started to notice with each baby outfit she opened she was so *joyful*
::it was very ironic::

Neither one of our lifestyles are perfect by any means-
We have both made the same mistakes.
Neither one of us are loved by God any more so...
but the world views us so differently.
One, becoming a harsh statistic in our society but glowing with joy regardless.
And the second, trying to pursue a renewed relationship based on Godly principals and purity and fighting her entire way through it with selfishness and ignorance.

In both situations, God is in control.
In both situations, God is going to get the glory
-yet to others, one looks much better from the outside.
And the other looks like what some people would call a "lost cause"...

I also prayed last night knowing I was going to see her today that maybe (even though I am just an old friend- like seriously middle school old friend) that she would make me Godmother then I could dedicate myself to having this child know and love God.
*I instantly got sick to my stomach*
How selfish of me, thinking I need or I would even want a title to pray for someone, to provide various ways to show Christ in their life... I should be consistently doing that without ANY sense of self or praise needed.

There she was: selfless, kind, hardworking and pregnant.
And here I am: self-centered, rash, but with a cross around my neck.

...I don't know if this post will mean anything to anyone else, or frankly if anyone else will understand it. But the world is so quick to judge. They are so easily fooled by statistics and first glances. Maybe God let me see through His eyes a little tonight, because from my presepective I was the one needing more grace than she. I was the one acting in selfishness and hypocrisy. I was the martha in the kitchen when all Jesus wanted was someone to enjoy His presence.

She was beautiful, glowing and three months away from birthing a baby girl and that is something I would say is *far from* a lost cause. I pray that God will bless this baby and her mother and that I may learn not to assume who is in need of Grace, but let God show me through His eyes.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

What they said.

"The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence. The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles. The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change. The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead. The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real. You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story."

-TWLOHA vision

“Hope is a powerful contraceptive. The way that you help young people avoid pregnancy is by providing them with real evidence that good things can happen in their lives.”
-Prevention program in NYC

"Although technology helps soothe this ache at times, I feel that it always leaves me wanting more. More conversation, more information, more feeling, more thought more interaction...just more. Something is missing from these artificial forms of communication. When we attempt to fill the void that we feel inside ourselves with this technology, we are about as successful as a child trying to fill a hole in the sand with water."
-Soul Rebellion

"I'd give up the privilege to drink to be 19 again."
-An old High School friend's facebook status today

"It's been fifty years, fifty long years since I've done this. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is the measure of a successful life, then some would say that I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, or stumble and fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination"
- One Tree Hill

"Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone
There's a log on the fire

and it burns like me for you
Tomorrow comes with one desire
to take me away it's true
It ain't easy to say goodbye"
-'Save Tonight' Eagle Eye Cherry

"These days everything is all business
Never in one place for too long
But theres no lack of arms around me
But I still wonder if somewhere I went wrong...
And I'd wish on every star
in the southern sky
for that man and our life
If I did not think that
Maybe I was much to selfish
but baby you're still on my mind
Now I'm grown and alone
and wishin I was with you tonight
'Cause I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee.
Yes, I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee"
-'Tennessee', The Wreckers

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


today I had a really fun lunch date
today I had two meetings
and two other meetings canceled
today I learned nothing in my classes
I didn't 'feel' like praying today
today I did my hair
today I had a caramel apple spice
today I had to turn someone down
that was begging for my help

I have exactly two months from today left in Brockport

today I caught up with an old friend and promised we
would make it a weekly thing

today I felt overweight seemed dull.
it lost its luster somewhere.
I wont be here in two months...
and that's all I can think about today.

today God sent me hope.
tomorrow God will be sending me to my dream job.
today I am being selfish.
I wont be here in two months...
and that's all I can think about today.

today I learned that even the strong cry in the shower.
today the thought of adult life scares me to pieces
this thought has led me to 3 nose bleeds today
I took today for granted
and I can't promise any better for the next today

I didnt know what to tell him today
I wish I could tell him tomorrow

...I have two months left

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

oh, inconsistent me

"Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light"

-Relient K

so all this time I have known I have a wonderful life.
I have people I love & who love me.
I love my school work.
I love the influence I have on this campus.
I love going out & having a good time.
I love sunday morning worship.
I love my life...but not the life God is intending for me to love.

...I figured out the reason I am so 'happy' and 'love' everything is because I am living the life I always wanted... not the life he has planned for me. For as far as I have come, I have not come far enough... This is not a cry of worthlessness but of correction. I need to love the life God has intended for me.. that does not involve all of what the world believes as fun and wonderful.

...uggh.. for so long I had myself fooled this was the good life & God was okay with what I was doing... and for the most part it was- he still sees me as perfection beacuse of the blood of his son, but I can longer justify my sin in His grace..

wow, correction sucks.

Monday, October 5, 2009

An Update

I am going to Mercy Ministries in January to intern until April.

To Write Love on Her Arms will be presenting on
December 3rd @ The College at Brockport.

Jitterbugs is officially selling Caramel Apple Cider now.
(Sam would understand my excitement)

& I finally found the best coffee place in town!

:::life is good:::

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Redemptive Leaves and Idol Pumpkins

"It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from"

- "Let Me Fall" Bethany Joy Lenz (One Tree Hill)


The colors of this season make my heart stir.
Even with a simple Ipod & scarf I feel artistic.
I feel unique.
I feel valued.
With just the smell of the season I crave apples and coffee.
Sometimes I selfishly think that God
created the autumn season
so I can see the beauty of repentance in the colors of the trees.
Fall is always a tough season, well a challenging season... a redemptive season for me.

&& the sermon this past Sunday ::really:: proved that.
*side note I have come to realize that I have a gifting
(whatever one it is I am not sure yet)
but most times than not I know what the sermon is about
before it takes place. The spirit prepares my heart for it
and my journal is given a quick summary before the pastors speak*
During worship the lyrics read:
"Your love is worth more than life"
... and I stopped, sat down and asked myself... "is it?"

The sermon then went on to speak about the Second Commandment
and how our generation has idols & tries to fit God into our lives.
The Pastor summed it up with some *not all* Christians our age
Love God, Think God is Awesome, would never deny him...
but they get just as excited about God as... their date Friday night.
They get just as excited about their sweet 16 as God,
maybe even their favorite song on the radio...

*ouch* So true for me.
I love me some Jesus.
But I love Ryan and I love Pumpkins and I LoOOove a good Latte...

I thank God he has forgiven me thus far and that he has allowed this autumn to bring redemptive leaves so I can no longer Idolize pumpkins...