Sunday, December 28, 2008

It's for her

Challenges. Struggles. Parties. Gossip. Love.
Mistakes. Regrets. Abuse. Damage. Harm. Lust.
Greed. Envy. Running Away. Giving Up. Holding Back. Doubt.
Decisions. Life Changes. Stepping Stones. Losing Faith.
Completely Reliant On Him.
I Don't make the decisions I make for me.
I am not choosing the path of life I am for my own glory.
I am not sacrificing the everyday pleasures for a spotlight.
I am not letting loose words guide me.
I am not letting this chance at love keep me from her.
I wish I could lie and tell you I do all that I do for God
and his Kingdom and purposes- but truth be told I don't.
I do it for her.
Although I have not met her yet, I can see her perfectly.
She has Brown eyes that for years have hidden
her scars to the point that no one, a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y no one
thought she would attempt.
I see the scars on her wrist, I see the scars on her heart and I hold her.
I hold her the way she always wanted her mother to,
but was never given the chance.
I hear her voice.
It's shaky because she has never opened up
and felt so raw and vulnerable before, but it is not faint.
It is strong, persistent, and starting to heal.
She asks me what it was like when I gave up everything.
She wanted to know how I felt when I completely put my trust in God.
And I looked into those brown eyes,
those deeply wounded but so presious Brown eyes,
smiled to myself and said to her yeah, it was tough...
but not as tough as you are.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

They gave me a future.

There was not one single Christmas tradition carried out this year.
There was no caroling, there was no Arctic league,
there was no shrimp, there was no sparkling grape juice,
and there was no early morning presents.
However, there was also no fighting, there was no overspending,
there was no disappointments and there was no regrets.

I can honestly say I got everything I wanted this year, including peace.
It is hard sometimes to stop and thank God for answering prayers.
I mean if it is a obvious physical change we give thanks,
but what about those supernatural moments that change our lives?
What about those year long grudges that just disappear?
What about the hurt he takes away before it even happens?
Well, this is my public thank you for some answered prayers.
Because during this winter break,
my home life has never been so peaceful.
I have never felt so directed and believed in.

This year my father and step-mother got my a GPS.
I was not expecting it at all-
That seriously was no where on my list,
however that isn't to say it wasn't my favorite gift.
But it wasn't because they spent a lot of money on new technology,
it wasn't because they surprised me,
or because they spoiled me again.
But when I opened the box my Dad looked at me and said,
"Now you will be able to get to Nashville without getting lost"
My father did not just buy me a navigation tool,
he gave direction to my life.
My father did not just keep up with technology,
he told me he believed in me.
My father did not just spend money on me,
he invested in my dreams.

This year my mother got me an ipod and a digital camera.
Again, typical gifts for a gal my age.
However my mother didn't just give me a Kodak,
she gave me a viewfinder into my life.
She didn't just give me a way to keep memories,
she gave me a promise of pursuing dreams,
and random road trips for simply no reason.
And the ipod wasn't just to fill with Taylor Swift,
but it was music to awaken my soul.
It was music to remind me where I came from-
but also to never quit and go back.
Most importantly, the music was to dance.
And not a day goes by she doesn't remind me;
"If you get the chance to sit or dance, I hope you dance"
For the first time this Christmas my mother
didn't argue with me, she didn't try to bring me down to her level,
and she most certainly did not allow me to dream.
She knew that I was going to be hitting the road
and leaving this town in my rear view mirror
and these gifts were her way of saying,
"Go be free- I know you'll make me proud"

And that is the kind of Christmas that was answered by prayers.

Monday, December 22, 2008

...You Do?

I was never a deep person.
I never just sat and thought about the world.
I always cared for people but, I would never think
to look farther into their lives to see what the roots were.
I didn't concern myself with politics.
I didn't rather care for religion and rules.
I most certainly did not pay attention to the stock market.
(((But then I met Jesus)))
And since then my mind, body and soul have bottomless.
I have wanted to go so deep-in so many things.
I want to know, I want to learn, I want to teach.

Before I began my relationship with Jesus I never ran out of words.
And when I try to explain myself now somehow, I always fall short.
It's like you get these crazy thoughts, beautiful visions,
world-flipping revelations or larger than life aspirations
and although you know God understands...
(((you crave worldly affirmation)))

I find myself repeating "Ya know what I mean?" constantly,
just in hopes the person will respond "Yeah, I do."
(((And that doesn't always happen)))
And since it is so rare when it does happen,
I am so thankful, so relived yet-
it always leaves me craving for more.

--- I recently realized how deep that desire was to me.
I want someone who understands me.
Sure, I have my girls, I have My father in Heaven-
But if I am granted the blessing of marriage,
I want someone who :::r.e.a.l.l.y::: gets me.
I know that seems vague, normal and obvious but,
(((I haven't felt that completely yet)))
and I do not know too many people who have.
I have seen happy people, fun people,
people who work well together, but it's those
couples who k.n.o.w each other I envy.

Starting at exactly how much ketchup
that boy is gonna put on his eggs,
over to "no he wouldn't like that sweater the cuffs are all wrong",
ending with after he pours out his heart,
he turns to me, looks up,
cocks his head to the side, squints his eyes and asks,
"Ya know what I mean?", I want to say-
**Of course I do babe- I know exactly what you mean**

Saturday, December 20, 2008

My Love Affair with OneTreeHill

"HeyPeyton! It's you. When all my dreams come true-
the one I want next to me, it's you. It's you Peyton... it's you."


I live and I die with One Tree Hill.
Some people have favorite sports teams.
Some have hobbies.
But I have always had One Tree Hill.
I once read that Worship is when you
give your heart away- completely and abandoned
expecting a promise of life in return.
And that is exactly how I feel about One Tree Hill.

It's not that I connect with any one character
or that I have gone through any thing similar to them.
::::I just lose myself in it::::
Anyone who has watched it with me knows this.

It's far fetched I know.
The music is almost too perfectly cued.
The love triangles are just unheard of sometimes.
But I love it. Their words motivate me.
Their mistakes teach me.
And everything about it romances me,
it is everything a girl could ask for.


"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one."


"It's been fifty years, fifty long years since I've done this. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination."


I spent the last two days reliving my favorite moments of this show.
Two seasons. Two years of my life.
And I screamed, I cried, I laughed & ugggh I felt so alive.
It's weird. One Tree Hill is based on pleasures,
drama and Hollywood lies.
But, nothing brings me closer I feel to my true self.
That might sound shady... but I'm okay with that.
One Tree Hill always reminds me
to take a day off here and there.
To sit back and Thank the heavens for
what I do have in life.
The show reminds me the core values of
friendship and love.
Each time I see a character overreact
and let go of what they really want
I find myself digging and searching for my deepest desires.
It teaches me about what's important,
what I have wasted my time on,
and what I still have to look forward a backwards way.
And I am thankful for that.
It's been quite the love affair the last six years and
next season is starting in just a few months : ) : )


"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up"

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Chasing Ghosts

You know the lines, "I can't live without him!!" "But, its not always like this" "I don't want to start all over again" "It was so perfect before, he is just going through a rough time"

My mother always told me that girls cling to what the man was first like, even when the present it so obviously awful. Ya know, the beginning of the relationship when everyone is still on their best behavior? We cling to those first few months where nothing went wrong, everything fit perfectly, and love could have never failed us...

Maybe it's the season, maybe it's Taylor Swift's new hit: Love Story- but I'm chasing Ghosts. I say it has to do more with coming home. I drive by the highschool & nothing inspires me now, nothing makes me envy the daily routine- but I can't shake his smile.

I see it- vividly. And I cling to hope, I cling to old promises, I just cling... and I know it's so stupid. Pointless even! I probably would not even recognize him now.. but I cling.

And then there's her. Not a day goes by I don't miss her. Oh God, our friendship ran deeper than anyone I knew. And now... she hates me. She despises me.

((But for a moment, I drive by the school.. and I have them both. I see the world as it was years ago. I'm walking down the hall each one on either side of me and I'm ecstatic.))

I see it-vividly. And I can't shake it. I know it's an attack. Things at home have been so blessed so far. I am spening my time with those who truly deserve it. I have been staying in, when everyone else is out. And Honestly- I am so unbelievably happy being alone for once. I mean it. I can't stomach the thought of entering another broken relationship. Another unfilled desperate reach for love. I want authenticity. I want unconditional. I want to be able to dream on my own and not fit someone else in it.

But I keep chasing ghosts. I see him. I see her. I see broken promises. I see years of guilt and hurt left untouched. I see a lot of miscommunication and a lot he said she said.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on" -Rascal Flatts

"'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet,"
But you were everything to me; I was begging you, 'Please, don't go,'
And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'" -Taylor Swift

"If you look back too much, you will soon be headed that way"

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternally new now that builds and creates itself out of the Best as the past withdraws."

"Remember Lot's Wife"

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Mercy Ministries

Everyone has their passion.
Even in the coldest hearts in the world,
((if you search hard enough))
there is a fire that burns deep within.
In my experiences that fire
for most, has gone out.
Due to life's circumstances they have
had to move on, give up, and let go.
you can't blame them though.
This world does a number on our dreams.
Even those of us who are dreamers,
we rarely support others who
burn like we do.
Most of you already know of my passion.
But for those of you who don't,
I'll share it.

"For over 25 years, Mercy Ministries of America has provided hope and healing to generations of desperate young women who are seeking freedom from life-controlling problems such as: Drug & Alchohol Addictions, Depression, Eating Disorders, Unplanned Pregnancy, Physical & Sexual Abuse, Self- Harm. Our free-of-charge program serves a diverse population of young women from various socio-economic backgrounds, aged 13-28. Many of the girls, who come to Mercy for help, are facing a combination of debilitating circumstances and have been in various treatment facilities with unsuccessful long-term results. We are committed to providing the young women we serve with the most excellent program services that allow them to recognize their self-worth and prepare them to reach their full potential. Our non-conventional approach to healing allows young women to permanently stop destructive cycles and prepares them to take hope out into their communities." -taken from

God has made me many promises
since I have started to earnestly seek
a relationship with him.
He confirmed the very depths of my soul,
the burning I could never explain before,
And he has given me a future.
It is written that once a gift is given,
it can never be taken back.
Even if I leave Jesus's side-
he has the power to use me as he wishes.
Although I never plan on leaving,
it is very encouraging to know my gifting
is not in my hands.
My gifting is not reliant on my ability
or my strength.
And although, Mercy is not the only Ministry
that deals with troubled young woman,
it is a ministry I can not help but fall in love with.
Thanks to a loving friend, I will forever hold dear
the dreams and successes of this Ministry.

To Support or Learn More Try:

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What is really important anyway??

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."
Matthew 6:24

“Meaningless! Meaningless! says the Teacher.

Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.
What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,

but the earth remains forever."
Ecclesiastes 1:2-4

I was told to watch out for the book of Ecclesiastes,
because it was written when Solomon was in
a bit of anger or frustration with life.
However, I feel like I can relate to Solomon for
the moment.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Luke 12:34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink; or about your body,
what you will wear. Is not life more important
than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap
or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they?
Matthew 6:25-26

Today was quite the emotional roller coaster, hence this post.

It started with a bunch of errands where my card was declined at the gas pump. I almost shrugged it off, but decided to stop at the bank just in case. Turns out I was -210$. Thats NEGATIVE $210. Turns out a $200 check I gave to Brockport wasn't cashed when I thought it was. So after three trips to the banks, lots of uncontrollable tears, a huge swallow of pride, and Mom's credit card.. it's fixed, for now.

Between the second and third trip to the bank, I opened my door to a neighbor whom I had never met. She said she was waiting on our porch for the bus. After a short chat it turns out she was from ARC & she had been @ BOCES when I was interning there. To assume, I would diagnose her with a simple learning disability and product of underprivileged environment. Long story short the bus never came & I gave her a ride to her appointment. I knew a lot of the terms and people she was talking about because of working @ BOCES & social work classes. She was appreciative of the ride and in the middle of my bank crisis, it was a good reminder of bigger things.

Then I was reminded of the Dr. Phil episode I mistakenly took as a decent Television program. Two 20-something year olds were whining about an "injustice" about their engagement ring being overpriced by 600$. Dr. Phil outraged payed the difference and cursed the name of the jewelers. Oh, I'm sorry.. they gave you the wrong ring and are asking for $600 more... Oh, well gee good thing you have a finger to put that ring on... "I once complained I had no shoes, until I saw the man who had no feet" - Irish Blessing.

So after the bank, the ride, the bailout from my mom- I was off to work. There I met my new co-worker. After a few hours the conversation was brought up that he was a Buddhist. And at first, I was actually excited for him. He was telling me how he doesn't drink coffee, alcohol, or take mind alternating drugs because it is part of Buddhist "law". Well, then my wheels got a turning and I asked about heaven. Oh... that's right... you don't believe in Jesus. Umm, well this is problem. Righttt? Yes! Right! John 14:6 "I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." So, what was I to do- I mean I have met people who don;t belive before, but I guess this is my first encounter with someone who totally randomly (he explained) chose this religion. This got my wheels turning a bit more.

Throughout the five hour shift, the weather outside progressively got worse. Three crashes alone on a one mile strip. And people were still coming into shop? Are you serious? Do you not have anything to live for? Is the swet of candles that imporant? So, I chickened out- I called my dad to pick me up. On the way home he explained about the GM Baliout. My Step-Grandpa worked for GM for years (hence the deal on my cobalt), & without the bailout I will lose my warrenty and my grandpa, his pension.

After returning home my mother recieved two calls- one, my heartbroken brother & two, my hospitial stricken aunt. My brother has been the toughest, unemotional man ever known to our family. But now he is just broken, after a "wasted" three year relationship he feels worthless. My aunt, on the other hand, literally had a broken heart, heart attack last week. Still in the hospital after several complicated procedures. So by now I am really thinking...

And now I blog. I not only blog in hopes someone will be touched by my thoughts, but to figure out my own thoughts. What is it that has my spirit so unsettled? It is knowing my mom had to bail me out $300 when I know she has needed socks for the past week and been waiting to have enough? Is it that people are so worried (especially this season) about shopping and diamonds? Is it that I am so worried about these gifts also?

I don't know.
I simply don't know.
But I am sad.
I'm sad for the buddhist, a hopeful man
in search for meaning who recieved rules instead.
I am sad for all those who are laid off this month...
hundreds in my town alone.
I am sad for my brother,
he really loves her and has changed his ways.
& I'm confused. What is important?
Sorry kids, this is one question I do not have the answer to.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Lights, Camera, Activated.

Caution: This Post will be very scattered.

"My Daughter this is a season where I am going to begin to activate you, I am going to activate the spirit of the Lord of you." How exciting. How so very exciting!!!

So I felt this, majorly. Right after the presbytery I was ready. It wasn't one of those mountaintop moments- it was just totally different. I am so ready.

Okay so what do I mean by ready, you ask? Well, I was at Cornerstone (worship on a friday night @ our church) when students went up to an alter call I felt this constant urge to pray over them- I know you can pray for others anywhere but I wanted to converse with them. But I can't. I am not a leader. Which is fine, I understand the covering and reason for this but I amreaddyyyyyyy.

I am ready to pour into others.
Not to say I am done-
No way have I reached a point of...
well there is no point. It's a season.
It is discipleship.
And I can do it.
Yay! I can do what I am finally called to do.

God has been so gracious to me (if you don't already know)
"For woman I will give you a voice, for young woman who are broken, taken advantage of, abandoned and used up, you are going to being life and restoration. You will release healing to bodies, healing to souls, healing to spirits, healing to minds- there is a gift of healing that is coming to you."

And I can do it. Yes, I have wrote about this before but it all ties in.
This is my season.

I met with my pastor today to discuss my prophecy and he believes in me.
I know that sounds bad, I mean of course he believes in me.
But his belief in me makes me even more realize how much Jesus believes in me.

"And when you found me, you found a new security and a new strength and you began you had something to offer. And when God added his spirit to the talents that are in you- they became something of great value you to me. So know this daughter, I declare in front of all these people, you are of great value to me. I'm gonna use you for my glory, I'm gonna cause worship to be birthed in you. I'm gonna cause you to be a real woman of grace, a woman of wisdom and balance."

I have something to offer. Now, here comes the hard part.
How will I know who to pour into?
I am told I can reach the unreachable...
But that takes so much work so much persistence.
Prayer. Yes, Prayer is the answer to this concern.

But oh how all so exciting.

I also love how much my schoolwork has played completely into my calling & lifegroup.
I believe that is so true the more you study social science the more you realize how perfectly it all fits into the bible.
All semester my Human Behavior class and the book Captivating have basically been hand-in-hand walking me through my childhood wounds and growing me into a young woman of God.
My diversity class has opened my eyes to the aches and pain of this devil-ruled world and how huge of a need there is to spread the good news. Forget preaching! Forget debates! just spread Jesus, there is not enough time to fret over pro-choice and gay marriage, were talking souls here not sins.

However, that is how I feel. I completely 100% believe that the spirit gives you your own convictions. When you read God's word and something pricks your heart, God gave you that on purpose. I am not a one issue woman. Some are, thats fine. Thats better then fine, its great. But I am here to save souls, not lecture them.

God has also got me looking forward a lot. I tell you what I have always been a girl of the past. Please go ahead read my beginning posts and see for yourself. But now, on a constant basis, I am looking forward to the next sunrise, the next conversation, the next chance to share my faith, the next wednesday lunchdate, the next holiday, the next email from mercy ministries, the next expression of emotion on my blog.

& then, there is him. My worldly love. I haven't had much thought about him lately. I have come to terms that in order to give these girls (whoever they maybe) what they deserve, then I must not allow my heart to wander...especially backwards.

That is whats so harrrrddd. No one sees the extra work that goes into discipling. I am not saying I want a spotlight, I get that from my RA position or my new outfit, but ughhhh. I know how exhausting it is to just care about someone, now I will be their source of wisdom. wow.

thats another big point. for the first time in my life, people listen. They don't just wave me off as a blond, as a girl, as a new christian. No, students, faculty, friends, foes-everyone they listen. It's a great feeling. Its completely from God and his wisdom and giftings he has imparted on me but I am oh so thankful for it.

& that is all for now. I feel like I have expressed enough. Good Night.