10 months.Its been 10 full ((very full)) months since I started coordinating the health education sessions at my work, which I feel like signified my really stepping into the leadership role I have now there. These sessions are for young mothers in the city of Rochester. We discuss things like domestic violence, STDs, respect, childhood baggage.... all that fun stuff. We provide social, spiritual, and psychological support for these young women in many aspects. Tonight I do not want to tell you about how great my job is, what we do exactly, how we need more funding, the behavioral change we've seen, the retention rate, etc etc I say that all the time. I speak at agencies, I preach at churches, I do trainings, I meet with donors-- but I feel like I never get to share my heart. And, I yet to hide my heart from you blogworld... so here I go.
I don't know what I am doing.
In the midst of all my right answers,
of my great advice,
my leaping attendance rates---
I don't know what I am doing.
I always thought if you'd give me a mic I would woo the crowd and they would love God in an instant after hearing me speak... and ya know what? It doesn't happen that way, I'm not at good at ministry as I thought I would be. Which is good because if I led by my arrogance I would not be leaning on God's grace. It was a good wake up call that I am not all that-- I also thought the first thing I would think to do in a meeting would be to pray and more times than not, I don't. I thought I would have prayed with these girls, loved on them, and led them to Christ-easy'&simple. But.. I don't know what... I am doing.
It's not that the schooling didn't prepare me or I am lost at my job, more so I can't take myself out of what we are doing and see it--- for what it is. Like I honestly don't know what we are doing. How much an impact we are having, if lives are being changed, if the girls are starting to love God, if I am being too much of a control freak, if I am being too lienent. Things are SO BUSY, that I really need to sit down God and I and have a meeting. Get some love back in my heart, brainstorm some ideas and cut myself some slack of course.
That is what December is. After the big fundraiser, I am closing the office door and figuring things out. I knew this year would be different, challenging, eye-opening, busy and sacrificial- but again I really knew nothing, I had NO CLUE what I was getting into, how much I can handle, how I would supervise, what it would be like to have clients, a program, and babies around all the time?!?
And, I don't mean to sound like I am upset or overwhelmed, I am just admitting I don't know how 10 months went by. I don't know if I was efficient in my ministry. 10 months-- wow. I always knew I would have a lot to learn and that will be a constant in Social Work. But this is my first real 10 months and I have to admit for not knowing much I did pretty alright- now its time to sit down and make things better. ((any ex's of mine who read this know my 'need to get better' syndrome lol))
For example, I am learning for the first time what attachment and termination is for real like with clients. I see why other agenies have such strong boundaries set.. *sigh. I mean I love these girls... and I just didn't know how much a family we would become. How much attitude they'll give you just to see if you'll really stick around....and their texts... man, they kill me. At the end of a day they'll text me just a simple thank you... and honestly it makes ---everything--worth it. I have so many stories, I could share-- but the girls say it better; this is a rough draft if you will- of what they girls video taped for our new video. The video will be showed in its completion this coming Monday so I'll share it then also. But check it out today too!
Throughout it all God has been so faithful-- each week (of group, but really everyday) I enter in not really sure what is going to happen and each week, He gives me exact plans, He listens and directs... and honestly that's what I need... I need to be bringing all of this to God, asking Him what He thought. How He wants this program to improve, how He wants to move forward. I think I'll go do that now... I don't need this blog to process my last 10 months-- I need God.He's the best Social Worker around anyway :) :)