Sunday, April 11, 2010

A love I don't deserve

I put on the pink aeropostale "love" shirt he got me.
I read through some of the cards he has sent me.
I got to chat with him for 12 minutes this morning before he went to church.
I miss him, a lot.
I tried not talking to him for a few days, just to clear my head.
There is a lot of doubt in it that honestly he doesn't need to hear about.
Will I share my heart with him yes, but I don't need to do it every 2 hours,
when my mood drastically changes each time.
I am not really sure what I am scared of.. or fascinated with, or threatened with... or enthralled by.
ha. doesn't that just prove how all over the place I am lately.
Guys, for as happy as I have always been- 
I don't think I know how to be happy.
And for as loved I have always been-
I am not sure if I know how to be loved.
What I am experiencing is a love I don't deserve!!
Doesn't anyone get that??? 
Doesn't anyone think he will just up and leave?
And there it is... the reason for the chaos. 

The heart of a adolescent girl waiting on the couch for dinner, realizing he is never coming back- and he never did. I wish the hurts of our childhood didn't affect us as much as they do. I'm not saying we should use them excuses, or let them skew us permanently but for so long but they do so without us even realizing it. And I don't care how great OR NOT great your parents, environment, childhood was- it affects you, and you can't be blind to it. You must awaken your repressed thoughts, you must kick those awful coping mechanisms, you must figure out the root of why you are, the way you are and deal with it. Look your past straight in the face & say you are stronger then before and it can't have you anymore. Stand on solid ground and refuse to let it's complacency, it's denial, and it's ache rule your life anymore. Even when hurt is all you have ever known and it's easier to just continue on the familiar path- REPENT, meaning turn from your ways! Save yourself and those who desperately love you, I am not trying to preach the gospel here-forget God for a second if that's what has got you hung up- don't you feel like there is something more to life? Something you may not deserve, but you would like to have anyway? A freedom on this earth from your deep yet fresh wounds? The way to receive it is to deal with your junk. Do everyone a favor- find a way to work through life's disappointments. Be in communication with someone about your heart and what has got you so stuck.

In order to not be a hypocrite here is mine...
I am terrified of a love I don't deserve. 
I am terrifed of a God who can see my disgusting life, yet still wrap his arms around me and call me his daughter.
I am terrified of a boyfriend who can look at my past and still find me precious. 
I am terrified to live a pure life thinking my value is in the immorality I have known for so long. 

I am broken, but I know the way out. I must awaken that girl on the couch and let her know gently her father figure will not be coming home tonight, or ever. ::::However, that does not mean she is not worth loving, that doesn't mean the pain her mother will feel for years is her fault, that doesn't mean that her brother's problems are her fault, that doesn't mean she is unworthy of love and that most certainly does not mean she is not valuable, precious or worth waiting for:::: 

Ask me what I learned in Tennessee, this is my answer: I am worth waiting for.

1 comment:

[Dana] said...

OK. I' ll teary eyed right now. Sheeeeet. You have a way with words, girl!!