Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Birthday Candles

He asked me as soon as I woke.
He asked "Can I have this Day?"

and I said no...

And now my Birthday Cake is spoiling on the fridge.
My spirit is sizzling with anger.
My eyes can not even form anymore tears.
My paper is unwritten and due in four hours.
And there is not a single person I feel like would understand.
I feel like when I blew out the candles all the light in my life left with it.

...He asked if I would wake and commune with Him.

and I said no.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

"You don't have to be Sorry"

it is 4:02 in the morning and God used me to bless her in the strangest way possible... but it was perfect. it was exactly what i was made to do.

i didn't try to fix her, i didn't try to change her... i sat, i listened, and i fed her.

"Simon son of John, do you love me?... Feed my Sheep"
-john 21:15

thank God that His ways are not only higher but His ways are right.

I found myself repeatly saying at the beginning: "You don't have to be Sorry" she is so sick of everyone making her be who she doesn't want to be. so sick of telling her what she has to do... but I really want her to know that although she might have woken up the entire upper-quad... she doesn't ahve top be sorry.

‘Love your neighbor as yourself'
-matthew 22:39

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me"
-psalm 13:2

...not long I hear Him say. Not long.

one last thought...why are the birds out at 4:09 in the morning?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

So many things I want to say

There are just so many things I want to say lately and my tongue feels so tied.

We had a death on campus last night... that kind of shock makes anyone contemplate their life and take a deep breathe.

Mostly everyone hit up the beach or a towel outside because it is so beautiful outside today but I needed so much rest...from everything.

I still don't get what I want from you. You drive my crrrrraaaazzzy. But I have never loved someone with such innocence and peace.

I am over this pointing out my flaws stage. I need a rest to work on the once I have found.

My 21st birthday is Monday and I have no desire to do anything....

and I am tired. I am so tired... I really have no energy left. I need a week of nothing... maybe even a day. I am not stressed though, just tired.

However, the day after I get home from finals- I start work. But that is 150% more of a blessing than anything. With the job market I am so so so so blessed to receive this job.

God has been using many older women in my life to bless me lately and I am loving it. None of them go to church none of them condemn me, they juts love me. Sometimes I think those who do not even relate to church get it more than we do... sometimes.

I recently heard this quote. "the problem is Christians can only Love people as much as they Love themselves... and most Christians don't Love themselves..." chew on that for a bit.

Did you ever realize how much "me" "I" and "our" is in worship songs? Absolutely ridiculous. I am starting to delete a lot of songs that I use to live by.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Ten things I would like to say to Ten people

10. You are really lucky I didn't hate myself after all the things you use to called me.

9. I don't remember a thing about you. Ha...kind of funny isn't it?

8. Really? REALLY?!? bitch.

7. Ask me... I just might say yes.

6. You are ruining everything.

5. You are the kindest person I know. And you just keep getting nothing... from everyone.

4. I can't make excuses for you anymore- do something with yourself.

3. I should have never let you lied to me. What a waste.

2. I know you don't like yourself but I am in love with you. You are going to change the world someday.

1. I still don't know if I hate you or love you. It's all really confusing.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

.::. cHaNGe .::.

Change. I can feel it.
Change. I can smell it.
I feel so ready.
I feel so anxious but in a really good way.
I feel so powerful.
I feel like my prayers are entering the throne room.
I feel as if I am running closer towards my Savior.
I don't know why.
I don't question why either.
I have not been doing my devotionals
...but I try not to kick myself about it.

I can't stop listening to songs about change.
Like old school Britney Spears and new school Taylor Swift.
As if they understand what I am feeling...
but somehow I feel like they do.

Either way, I am excited.

Change. it does not scare me.
It never has. Never will.
I love it.
Sure, I have grieved things lost but
I always look forward to ::whats next::

So what is next??
mMMMmMmMmmmm <3
That's when things get so good. Mercy is next.
My dreams come true.
My promises are fulfilled.
Glory is brought to God.
My cries are heard.
My prayers kick open doors.
My authority claims the name of Jesus.
ughhhhhh, NASHIVILLEEEE let me go now!!!

And a few weeks ago I thought I had things figured out with
-+- me and him -+-

But ya know what? I don't.
And I don't care.
He's here and if he ever decides not be- fine.
My heart is somewhere else.
And I can't hide it anymore.
I want to sccrrreeeam it from the high-rises...
Jesus Reigns.

It's so easy to be comfortable.
I can not stress that enough.
But once you break free- you're free.
SOOO free. MmMM <3
yay for change.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

She bought a Bible today

My heart burst with joy. She has no idea.
She doesn't know how precious she is in God's eyes- but she is starting to catch a glimpse of it.
She doesn't know how gifted she is- but she is starting to notice some positive qualities she has.
She doesn't know that someday her hands will heal- but she is beginnign to reach out more.
She doesn't know how much of an inspiration she is to me- but I hope someday she will.
My heart delights in her spirit. And she still has no idea.

She bought a Bible today and I helped her pick it out.
She was thankful I went with her- but I am eternally grateful she called me.
How is it we take souls for granted?
He doesn't. That is all he concerned about.
So the question is: Why aren't we....?