Thursday, June 25, 2009
Ya know, how everyone says they have that breaking point? That moment they realized they were just too big. They were disgusted with themselves and they could never go back. I don't know if i had a moment, but I had a number. 190. I won't lie. I am 5'0 and 190 lbs now. All throughout high-school I was in between the same 15 lbs. I was 145 low and 160 high. Got to college, likely story of freshman 15. However then there was sophomore 15 and junior year denial. Now I am at 190. So why do I write this? Well, I hear eating issues have to do with self control. One of my fav lessons from the bible is, 2 Peter 1:5-8 "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Self- Control...huh... Also I write because someday a girl will ask me if I ever struggled like she is. I will be able to pop open my laptop and say here, here is my story and this is how God and I got through this one in a healthy, loving way. So here is day one. I plan on starting Weight Watchers (great plan, if one can afford to do it online) and ughhh mayybeeee.... the gym. Either way I'll have my support and no matter what I'll have my dignity and health back.
Wish me blessings!!! <3
Friday, June 19, 2009
my mother was hanging out the window saying her goodbyes when she said,
"It must be good to be Kerri Phillips".
At first I was offended taking it as one of her envious comments,
but then she followed up with, "no really it must be"
I hopped in my Coblat,
slid down my sunglasses,
jammed my country music
and thought... "yeah, it is..."
Who would have thought, at 21 I can honestly say all my dreams have already come true.
I already have my dream job. Spreading the gospel.
I already have the love of my life.
I have some of the best friends God could have placed in my life.
I have my sister.
My mother is becoming happier...
My dad is happily married to a wonderful woman.
My brother restarted his life in Florida.
I am finishing college way better than I thought possible.
I have traveled the world.
woo... God rocks. Thank you for giving me this life.
I vow to use my resources to bring those who are lost closer to you.
I am very grateful, thank you.
Friday, June 12, 2009
"I hear them, I promise"....
The LORD is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him sincerely. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them. Psalm 145:18-19
The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. Psalm 34:15, 17
The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation." Psalm 91:14-16
My "great" aunt sent me a card for my birthday and for some strange reason it got here last week but the card was absolutely heartening. SInce being saved, I ahve spoken to her on several occasions about my outbreak of faith. She, out of all, I would say understands and supports the most. We only talk about every 6 months but wher we do, she heals. In her card she explained how she always and still does to this day pray for all of her family and extended family members. This may seem typical or mundane, but think.... her prayers saved me. And her prayers will continue to save. I am not positive on where any of her three children stand on their relationship with God but she had faith... we all... must have faith.
I found a book on my teacher's desk today "A Teacher's Prayerbook"
She has a tough classroom, but she is so consistant. That is what I think is the toughest...
being consistant in all situation.
Keeping faith, NO MATTER WHAT.
but they do...
so this blog is for them.
The woman who cry out for the others in the world.
The woman who give their lives to simply live for others.
The Mary's & the Martha's. John 11
The Mother's of all God's children. Genesis 3, 20
The woman who filled all the town's jars with oil 2 Kings 4
The woman who hid the spies Joshua 6
The woman who serve & prevail...
Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers--not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve
1 Peter 5:2
Friday, June 5, 2009
"My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief until the Lord looks down from the
heavens and sees. What I see brings grief to my soul because of the woman in
this city" Lamentations 3:49-51
Something hit me thursday night while my friends and I were at our local dance club 'Tags'. (It might have been just on of the eighteen year olds elbows) - but more than that, I went out to have a fun time but I found myself surrounded by girls who were nothing short of desperate... and it just broke my heart. It's not to say all of the girls there were- but the ones the Lord put on my heart were.
Each one of them was searching for love, each one craving attention, each one forgetting that the point was to have fun and dance. They were lonely. They were hurting... and they were beautiful. Whoa, all so beautiful... hours of preparation, new outfit, hair curled, perfect makeup and yet they went home disappointed.
At some points (as bad as it sounds) it made my laugh, because I remember it. I remember those emotions, the hormones and wavering my mood on who I was dancing with. I am not saying anything like "I am all grown up now and those silly kids" or "what fools they are"- not at all. I just don't crave what I use to now that I know the Lord. Once you have had His love - you almost can't go back to that longing.
I always like to say there is this God shaped hole in everyone's heart and he is the only one that can fill it. Scripture won't, church won't, family won't, religion won't- He will. Yes, the Lord uses those to speak to you and bless you but He is not them. Unfortunately, I did not see it fit to tell these girls my of my "christianese sayings" as everyone was grooving to "pour some sugar on me" but I pray someday they will know. They will know His heart. They will know His desperation for their love.
I just picture God showing up to that same club (stay with me here) He is just a normal guy wearing a blue stripped shirt, simple smile, stands off to the side and it seems like He has nothing to lose. He's confident, He's funny, He's got friends, but He has one fault- He just loves her too much. Week after week He shows up hoping she will notice Him. She bounces guy to guy, from bar to bar, and never even glances His way. But He does not gives up. He loves her from a distance... like the week she needed a ride home and He paid for her cab, or the time her cell phone died and he let her borrow His. He loves her in simple ways and He just waits...
Granted even knowing all this, feeling and seeing God's love completely surround me everyday I still succumb to dating.. hmm interesting choice of words... (almost like I still feel guilty for doing so.) For those who don't know, I have been "seeing" Ryan for almost two years now. Although we have been on and off it has not been dramatic or immature... just different seasons of our lives have called us to take a step back. And I Love him. Although he doesn't like country music there is a popular song out now that makes me think of him... "(s)he got whatever it is, it blows me away. (s)He's everything I wanna say to a (wo)man but I can never find the words to say. (s)He got whatever it is I don't know what to do because every time I try to tell him how I feel it comes out, I Love You." That is just the only way I can explain it. Once I set my eyes on him my resting place has always been his arms. And these past two months have been so blessed. I have never felt so balanced with my love life before. I feel God's blessing on us now and I hear Him say it's okay... for so long I felt so disgusting for wanting worldly love after knowing God's. But it's okay. As long as my life still honors the Lord (1 Corinthians 6:18-20), I sense His blessing on this love. God understands this world, He knows it is hard to go through alone. We are not meant to do this on our own (Genesis 2:18, Eph. 2:21-22) and I thank God for first bringing me out of the depths of desperation and longing to then find a wonderful Man of God who covers me with his authority of Christ.
As for the 18 years olds, their young, their alive and they have time. They may not know His love yet so my heart breaks for them, but He sees them, He still cares for them and it is not my place to hurt or worry for them... just pray and believe. I mean who knows- it was only three years ago my hands were covered in those club's 'Xs' and I was searching too..
"My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief until the
Lord looks down from the heavens and sees. What I see brings grief to my soul
because of the woman in this city"