Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dear Me, Its Time.

Dear Me,

Ya know, how everyone says they have that breaking point? That moment they realized they were just too big. They were disgusted with themselves and they could never go back. I don't know if i had a moment, but I had a number. 190. I won't lie. I am 5'0 and 190 lbs now. All throughout high-school I was in between the same 15 lbs. I was 145 low and 160 high. Got to college, likely story of freshman 15. However then there was sophomore 15 and junior year denial. Now I am at 190. So why do I write this? Well, I hear eating issues have to do with self control. One of my fav lessons from the bible is, 2 Peter 1:5-8 "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Self- Control...huh... Also I write because someday a girl will ask me if I ever struggled like she is. I will be able to pop open my laptop and say here, here is my story and this is how God and I got through this one in a healthy, loving way. So here is day one. I plan on starting Weight Watchers (great plan, if one can afford to do it online) and ughhh mayybeeee.... the gym. Either way I'll have my support and no matter what I'll have my dignity and health back.

Wish me blessings!!! <3

Friday, June 19, 2009

Who would have thought....

As I was heading out the door today to start my week vacation to Florida,
my mother was hanging out the window saying her goodbyes when she said,
"It must be good to be Kerri Phillips".

At first I was offended taking it as one of her envious comments,
but then she followed up with, "no really it must be"

I hopped in my Coblat,
slid down my sunglasses,
jammed my country music
and thought... "yeah, it is..."

Who would have thought, at 21 I can honestly say all my dreams have already come true.
I already have my dream job. Spreading the gospel.
I already have the love of my life.
I have some of the best friends God could have placed in my life.
I have my sister.
My mother is becoming happier...
My dad is happily married to a wonderful woman.
My brother restarted his life in Florida.
I am finishing college way better than I thought possible.
I have traveled the world.

woo... God rocks. Thank you for giving me this life.
I vow to use my resources to bring those who are lost closer to you.
I am very grateful, thank you.
I will keep dreaming big for you, for your people but thank you for allowing me to have this life.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Women of this City Pt 2

"I hear their cries" I hear him say.
"I hear them, I promise"....

The LORD is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him sincerely. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them. Psalm 145:18-19

The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. Psalm 34:15, 17

The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation." Psalm 91:14-16

I attended a different church a few weekends ago. and I met two beautiful women. I would say they were reaching about fifty. The pastor asked everyone who had a mountain in their lives to stand and have those around them pray... I was the only one around them, so I prayed. I asked them about their mountain. They both agreed that although their children (whom were grown) were Christians they wished they were dedicated. It was easy to see that these two woman were really chocked up about this. They barely could add another sentence to their prayer request. It broke my heart. The more I looked around I saw woman around their age sitting with each other.. and I thought of the last two churches I had been present at. Woman, strong Woman of Faith crying out for the men and children in their lives.

My "great" aunt sent me a card for my birthday and for some strange reason it got here last week but the card was absolutely heartening. SInce being saved, I ahve spoken to her on several occasions about my outbreak of faith. She, out of all, I would say understands and supports the most. We only talk about every 6 months but wher we do, she heals. In her card she explained how she always and still does to this day pray for all of her family and extended family members. This may seem typical or mundane, but think.... her prayers saved me. And her prayers will continue to save. I am not positive on where any of her three children stand on their relationship with God but she had faith... we all... must have faith.

How inspiring they are.
Here are grown women,
women who have been through things
tough things, bad things
loooong suffering
...and they still turn to God.
They still have faith.
I admire their persistence.
How is it they never give up?
Well, maybe some if them do...
actually- I know a lot that have.
But blessed are those who don't SCRIPTURE

I have also found myself surrounded by courageous woman in the teaching field.
This gig is tough. I can barely stand the nine days I have been here.
It hurts too much.
How it it they continue?
how is it they keep their patience?


They believe in a greater power that heals.

I found a book on my teacher's desk today "A Teacher's Prayerbook"
I quickly flipped through the pages and found exactly where she receives her strength from.
She has a tough classroom, but she is so consistant. That is what I think is the toughest...
being consistant in all situation.
Keeping faith, NO MATTER WHAT.

but they do...
so this blog is for them.
The woman who cry out for the others in the world.
The woman who give their lives to simply live for others.
The Mary's & the Martha's. John 11
The Mother's of all God's children. Genesis 3, 20
The woman who filled all the town's jars with oil 2 Kings 4
The woman who hid the spies Joshua 6
The woman who serve & prevail...

Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers--not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve

1 Peter 5:2

Friday, June 5, 2009

The women of this City Pt 1

"My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief until the Lord looks down from the
heavens and sees. What I see brings grief to my soul because of the woman in
this city" Lamentations 3:49-51

Something hit me thursday night while my friends and I were at our local dance club 'Tags'. (It might have been just on of the eighteen year olds elbows) - but more than that, I went out to have a fun time but I found myself surrounded by girls who were nothing short of desperate... and it just broke my heart. It's not to say all of the girls there were- but the ones the Lord put on my heart were.

Each one of them was searching for love, each one craving attention, each one forgetting that the point was to have fun and dance. They were lonely. They were hurting... and they were beautiful. Whoa, all so beautiful... hours of preparation, new outfit, hair curled, perfect makeup and yet they went home disappointed.

At some points (as bad as it sounds) it made my laugh, because I remember it. I remember those emotions, the hormones and wavering my mood on who I was dancing with. I am not saying anything like "I am all grown up now and those silly kids" or "what fools they are"- not at all. I just don't crave what I use to now that I know the Lord. Once you have had His love - you almost can't go back to that longing.

I always like to say there is this God shaped hole in everyone's heart and he is the only one that can fill it. Scripture won't, church won't, family won't, religion won't- He will. Yes, the Lord uses those to speak to you and bless you but He is not them. Unfortunately, I did not see it fit to tell these girls my of my "christianese sayings" as everyone was grooving to "pour some sugar on me" but I pray someday they will know. They will know His heart. They will know His desperation for their love.

I just picture God showing up to that same club (stay with me here) He is just a normal guy wearing a blue stripped shirt, simple smile, stands off to the side and it seems like He has nothing to lose. He's confident, He's funny, He's got friends, but He has one fault- He just loves her too much. Week after week He shows up hoping she will notice Him. She bounces guy to guy, from bar to bar, and never even glances His way. But He does not gives up. He loves her from a distance... like the week she needed a ride home and He paid for her cab, or the time her cell phone died and he let her borrow His. He loves her in simple ways and He just waits...

You may not know my face
but I know yours
I may not know your love
but you have seen mine
and I really wanted you to know that
When the world hurts you
I will be right here
When the world cheats you
I will be right here
When the world curses you
I will be right here
When the world lies to you
I will be right here
and when the world falls down around you
I will already be holding you
I have never forgotten you
and I am sorry we have drifted apart
but I am still right here...
(My version of God's love & promise)
"I have written your name on my hand"
Isaiah 49:16
"And so we know and rely on the Love God has for us. God is Love."
1 John 4:16
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord goes with you for He will never leave you or forsake you"
Deut 31:6
"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph of my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes"
Psalm 118: 6-9
"For you have created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb"
Psalm 139:13
(God's word on his love & promise)

Granted even knowing all this, feeling and seeing God's love completely surround me everyday I still succumb to dating.. hmm interesting choice of words... (almost like I still feel guilty for doing so.) For those who don't know, I have been "seeing" Ryan for almost two years now. Although we have been on and off it has not been dramatic or immature... just different seasons of our lives have called us to take a step back. And I Love him. Although he doesn't like country music there is a popular song out now that makes me think of him... "(s)he got whatever it is, it blows me away. (s)He's everything I wanna say to a (wo)man but I can never find the words to say. (s)He got whatever it is I don't know what to do because every time I try to tell him how I feel it comes out, I Love You." That is just the only way I can explain it. Once I set my eyes on him my resting place has always been his arms. And these past two months have been so blessed. I have never felt so balanced with my love life before. I feel God's blessing on us now and I hear Him say it's okay... for so long I felt so disgusting for wanting worldly love after knowing God's. But it's okay. As long as my life still honors the Lord (1 Corinthians 6:18-20), I sense His blessing on this love. God understands this world, He knows it is hard to go through alone. We are not meant to do this on our own (Genesis 2:18, Eph. 2:21-22) and I thank God for first bringing me out of the depths of desperation and longing to then find a wonderful Man of God who covers me with his authority of Christ.

As for the 18 years olds, their young, their alive and they have time. They may not know His love yet so my heart breaks for them, but He sees them, He still cares for them and it is not my place to hurt or worry for them... just pray and believe. I mean who knows- it was only three years ago my hands were covered in those club's 'Xs' and I was searching too..

"My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief until the
Lord looks down from the heavens and sees. What I see brings grief to my soul
because of the woman in this city"

Lamentations 3:49-51

Monday, June 1, 2009

"the christian life"

the plaster sticks to my hands
i dont seem to fit in any longer
i have to make a new face now
for so long i was too good
now i am not good enough
i liked my face
it fit well
but t.h.e.y picked, and they p.i.c.k.e.d, and they picked
the more they touched it
the more the color faded
i look so dull now
i feel like i cant do anything
...i dont stand out anymore
+++and, and no one thinks im pretty+++
i hope they like this face
i am making it just for them
ill wear it so i can fit in
ill wear it,
so i can fit in