Sunday, December 28, 2008

It's for her

Challenges. Struggles. Parties. Gossip. Love.
Mistakes. Regrets. Abuse. Damage. Harm. Lust.
Greed. Envy. Running Away. Giving Up. Holding Back. Doubt.
Decisions. Life Changes. Stepping Stones. Losing Faith.
Completely Reliant On Him.
I Don't make the decisions I make for me.
I am not choosing the path of life I am for my own glory.
I am not sacrificing the everyday pleasures for a spotlight.
I am not letting loose words guide me.
I am not letting this chance at love keep me from her.
I wish I could lie and tell you I do all that I do for God
and his Kingdom and purposes- but truth be told I don't.
I do it for her.
Although I have not met her yet, I can see her perfectly.
She has Brown eyes that for years have hidden
her scars to the point that no one, a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y no one
thought she would attempt.
I see the scars on her wrist, I see the scars on her heart and I hold her.
I hold her the way she always wanted her mother to,
but was never given the chance.
I hear her voice.
It's shaky because she has never opened up
and felt so raw and vulnerable before, but it is not faint.
It is strong, persistent, and starting to heal.
She asks me what it was like when I gave up everything.
She wanted to know how I felt when I completely put my trust in God.
And I looked into those brown eyes,
those deeply wounded but so presious Brown eyes,
smiled to myself and said to her yeah, it was tough...
but not as tough as you are.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

They gave me a future.

There was not one single Christmas tradition carried out this year.
There was no caroling, there was no Arctic league,
there was no shrimp, there was no sparkling grape juice,
and there was no early morning presents.
However, there was also no fighting, there was no overspending,
there was no disappointments and there was no regrets.

I can honestly say I got everything I wanted this year, including peace.
It is hard sometimes to stop and thank God for answering prayers.
I mean if it is a obvious physical change we give thanks,
but what about those supernatural moments that change our lives?
What about those year long grudges that just disappear?
What about the hurt he takes away before it even happens?
Well, this is my public thank you for some answered prayers.
Because during this winter break,
my home life has never been so peaceful.
I have never felt so directed and believed in.

This year my father and step-mother got my a GPS.
I was not expecting it at all-
That seriously was no where on my list,
however that isn't to say it wasn't my favorite gift.
But it wasn't because they spent a lot of money on new technology,
it wasn't because they surprised me,
or because they spoiled me again.
But when I opened the box my Dad looked at me and said,
"Now you will be able to get to Nashville without getting lost"
My father did not just buy me a navigation tool,
he gave direction to my life.
My father did not just keep up with technology,
he told me he believed in me.
My father did not just spend money on me,
he invested in my dreams.

This year my mother got me an ipod and a digital camera.
Again, typical gifts for a gal my age.
However my mother didn't just give me a Kodak,
she gave me a viewfinder into my life.
She didn't just give me a way to keep memories,
she gave me a promise of pursuing dreams,
and random road trips for simply no reason.
And the ipod wasn't just to fill with Taylor Swift,
but it was music to awaken my soul.
It was music to remind me where I came from-
but also to never quit and go back.
Most importantly, the music was to dance.
And not a day goes by she doesn't remind me;
"If you get the chance to sit or dance, I hope you dance"
For the first time this Christmas my mother
didn't argue with me, she didn't try to bring me down to her level,
and she most certainly did not allow me to dream.
She knew that I was going to be hitting the road
and leaving this town in my rear view mirror
and these gifts were her way of saying,
"Go be free- I know you'll make me proud"

And that is the kind of Christmas that was answered by prayers.

Monday, December 22, 2008

...You Do?

I was never a deep person.
I never just sat and thought about the world.
I always cared for people but, I would never think
to look farther into their lives to see what the roots were.
I didn't concern myself with politics.
I didn't rather care for religion and rules.
I most certainly did not pay attention to the stock market.
(((But then I met Jesus)))
And since then my mind, body and soul have bottomless.
I have wanted to go so deep-in so many things.
I want to know, I want to learn, I want to teach.

Before I began my relationship with Jesus I never ran out of words.
And when I try to explain myself now somehow, I always fall short.
It's like you get these crazy thoughts, beautiful visions,
world-flipping revelations or larger than life aspirations
and although you know God understands...
(((you crave worldly affirmation)))

I find myself repeating "Ya know what I mean?" constantly,
just in hopes the person will respond "Yeah, I do."
(((And that doesn't always happen)))
And since it is so rare when it does happen,
I am so thankful, so relived yet-
it always leaves me craving for more.

--- I recently realized how deep that desire was to me.
I want someone who understands me.
Sure, I have my girls, I have My father in Heaven-
But if I am granted the blessing of marriage,
I want someone who :::r.e.a.l.l.y::: gets me.
I know that seems vague, normal and obvious but,
(((I haven't felt that completely yet)))
and I do not know too many people who have.
I have seen happy people, fun people,
people who work well together, but it's those
couples who k.n.o.w each other I envy.

Starting at exactly how much ketchup
that boy is gonna put on his eggs,
over to "no he wouldn't like that sweater the cuffs are all wrong",
ending with after he pours out his heart,
he turns to me, looks up,
cocks his head to the side, squints his eyes and asks,
"Ya know what I mean?", I want to say-
**Of course I do babe- I know exactly what you mean**

Saturday, December 20, 2008

My Love Affair with OneTreeHill

"HeyPeyton! It's you. When all my dreams come true-
the one I want next to me, it's you. It's you Peyton... it's you."


I live and I die with One Tree Hill.
Some people have favorite sports teams.
Some have hobbies.
But I have always had One Tree Hill.
I once read that Worship is when you
give your heart away- completely and abandoned
expecting a promise of life in return.
And that is exactly how I feel about One Tree Hill.

It's not that I connect with any one character
or that I have gone through any thing similar to them.
::::I just lose myself in it::::
Anyone who has watched it with me knows this.

It's far fetched I know.
The music is almost too perfectly cued.
The love triangles are just unheard of sometimes.
But I love it. Their words motivate me.
Their mistakes teach me.
And everything about it romances me,
it is everything a girl could ask for.


"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one."


"It's been fifty years, fifty long years since I've done this. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination."


I spent the last two days reliving my favorite moments of this show.
Two seasons. Two years of my life.
And I screamed, I cried, I laughed & ugggh I felt so alive.
It's weird. One Tree Hill is based on pleasures,
drama and Hollywood lies.
But, nothing brings me closer I feel to my true self.
That might sound shady... but I'm okay with that.
One Tree Hill always reminds me
to take a day off here and there.
To sit back and Thank the heavens for
what I do have in life.
The show reminds me the core values of
friendship and love.
Each time I see a character overreact
and let go of what they really want
I find myself digging and searching for my deepest desires.
It teaches me about what's important,
what I have wasted my time on,
and what I still have to look forward a backwards way.
And I am thankful for that.
It's been quite the love affair the last six years and
next season is starting in just a few months : ) : )


"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up"

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Chasing Ghosts

You know the lines, "I can't live without him!!" "But, its not always like this" "I don't want to start all over again" "It was so perfect before, he is just going through a rough time"

My mother always told me that girls cling to what the man was first like, even when the present it so obviously awful. Ya know, the beginning of the relationship when everyone is still on their best behavior? We cling to those first few months where nothing went wrong, everything fit perfectly, and love could have never failed us...

Maybe it's the season, maybe it's Taylor Swift's new hit: Love Story- but I'm chasing Ghosts. I say it has to do more with coming home. I drive by the highschool & nothing inspires me now, nothing makes me envy the daily routine- but I can't shake his smile.

I see it- vividly. And I cling to hope, I cling to old promises, I just cling... and I know it's so stupid. Pointless even! I probably would not even recognize him now.. but I cling.

And then there's her. Not a day goes by I don't miss her. Oh God, our friendship ran deeper than anyone I knew. And now... she hates me. She despises me.

((But for a moment, I drive by the school.. and I have them both. I see the world as it was years ago. I'm walking down the hall each one on either side of me and I'm ecstatic.))

I see it-vividly. And I can't shake it. I know it's an attack. Things at home have been so blessed so far. I am spening my time with those who truly deserve it. I have been staying in, when everyone else is out. And Honestly- I am so unbelievably happy being alone for once. I mean it. I can't stomach the thought of entering another broken relationship. Another unfilled desperate reach for love. I want authenticity. I want unconditional. I want to be able to dream on my own and not fit someone else in it.

But I keep chasing ghosts. I see him. I see her. I see broken promises. I see years of guilt and hurt left untouched. I see a lot of miscommunication and a lot he said she said.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on" -Rascal Flatts

"'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet,"
But you were everything to me; I was begging you, 'Please, don't go,'
And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'" -Taylor Swift

"If you look back too much, you will soon be headed that way"

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternally new now that builds and creates itself out of the Best as the past withdraws."

"Remember Lot's Wife"

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Mercy Ministries

Everyone has their passion.
Even in the coldest hearts in the world,
((if you search hard enough))
there is a fire that burns deep within.
In my experiences that fire
for most, has gone out.
Due to life's circumstances they have
had to move on, give up, and let go.
you can't blame them though.
This world does a number on our dreams.
Even those of us who are dreamers,
we rarely support others who
burn like we do.
Most of you already know of my passion.
But for those of you who don't,
I'll share it.

"For over 25 years, Mercy Ministries of America has provided hope and healing to generations of desperate young women who are seeking freedom from life-controlling problems such as: Drug & Alchohol Addictions, Depression, Eating Disorders, Unplanned Pregnancy, Physical & Sexual Abuse, Self- Harm. Our free-of-charge program serves a diverse population of young women from various socio-economic backgrounds, aged 13-28. Many of the girls, who come to Mercy for help, are facing a combination of debilitating circumstances and have been in various treatment facilities with unsuccessful long-term results. We are committed to providing the young women we serve with the most excellent program services that allow them to recognize their self-worth and prepare them to reach their full potential. Our non-conventional approach to healing allows young women to permanently stop destructive cycles and prepares them to take hope out into their communities." -taken from

God has made me many promises
since I have started to earnestly seek
a relationship with him.
He confirmed the very depths of my soul,
the burning I could never explain before,
And he has given me a future.
It is written that once a gift is given,
it can never be taken back.
Even if I leave Jesus's side-
he has the power to use me as he wishes.
Although I never plan on leaving,
it is very encouraging to know my gifting
is not in my hands.
My gifting is not reliant on my ability
or my strength.
And although, Mercy is not the only Ministry
that deals with troubled young woman,
it is a ministry I can not help but fall in love with.
Thanks to a loving friend, I will forever hold dear
the dreams and successes of this Ministry.

To Support or Learn More Try:

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What is really important anyway??

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."
Matthew 6:24

“Meaningless! Meaningless! says the Teacher.

Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.
What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,

but the earth remains forever."
Ecclesiastes 1:2-4

I was told to watch out for the book of Ecclesiastes,
because it was written when Solomon was in
a bit of anger or frustration with life.
However, I feel like I can relate to Solomon for
the moment.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Luke 12:34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink; or about your body,
what you will wear. Is not life more important
than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap
or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they?
Matthew 6:25-26

Today was quite the emotional roller coaster, hence this post.

It started with a bunch of errands where my card was declined at the gas pump. I almost shrugged it off, but decided to stop at the bank just in case. Turns out I was -210$. Thats NEGATIVE $210. Turns out a $200 check I gave to Brockport wasn't cashed when I thought it was. So after three trips to the banks, lots of uncontrollable tears, a huge swallow of pride, and Mom's credit card.. it's fixed, for now.

Between the second and third trip to the bank, I opened my door to a neighbor whom I had never met. She said she was waiting on our porch for the bus. After a short chat it turns out she was from ARC & she had been @ BOCES when I was interning there. To assume, I would diagnose her with a simple learning disability and product of underprivileged environment. Long story short the bus never came & I gave her a ride to her appointment. I knew a lot of the terms and people she was talking about because of working @ BOCES & social work classes. She was appreciative of the ride and in the middle of my bank crisis, it was a good reminder of bigger things.

Then I was reminded of the Dr. Phil episode I mistakenly took as a decent Television program. Two 20-something year olds were whining about an "injustice" about their engagement ring being overpriced by 600$. Dr. Phil outraged payed the difference and cursed the name of the jewelers. Oh, I'm sorry.. they gave you the wrong ring and are asking for $600 more... Oh, well gee good thing you have a finger to put that ring on... "I once complained I had no shoes, until I saw the man who had no feet" - Irish Blessing.

So after the bank, the ride, the bailout from my mom- I was off to work. There I met my new co-worker. After a few hours the conversation was brought up that he was a Buddhist. And at first, I was actually excited for him. He was telling me how he doesn't drink coffee, alcohol, or take mind alternating drugs because it is part of Buddhist "law". Well, then my wheels got a turning and I asked about heaven. Oh... that's right... you don't believe in Jesus. Umm, well this is problem. Righttt? Yes! Right! John 14:6 "I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." So, what was I to do- I mean I have met people who don;t belive before, but I guess this is my first encounter with someone who totally randomly (he explained) chose this religion. This got my wheels turning a bit more.

Throughout the five hour shift, the weather outside progressively got worse. Three crashes alone on a one mile strip. And people were still coming into shop? Are you serious? Do you not have anything to live for? Is the swet of candles that imporant? So, I chickened out- I called my dad to pick me up. On the way home he explained about the GM Baliout. My Step-Grandpa worked for GM for years (hence the deal on my cobalt), & without the bailout I will lose my warrenty and my grandpa, his pension.

After returning home my mother recieved two calls- one, my heartbroken brother & two, my hospitial stricken aunt. My brother has been the toughest, unemotional man ever known to our family. But now he is just broken, after a "wasted" three year relationship he feels worthless. My aunt, on the other hand, literally had a broken heart, heart attack last week. Still in the hospital after several complicated procedures. So by now I am really thinking...

And now I blog. I not only blog in hopes someone will be touched by my thoughts, but to figure out my own thoughts. What is it that has my spirit so unsettled? It is knowing my mom had to bail me out $300 when I know she has needed socks for the past week and been waiting to have enough? Is it that people are so worried (especially this season) about shopping and diamonds? Is it that I am so worried about these gifts also?

I don't know.
I simply don't know.
But I am sad.
I'm sad for the buddhist, a hopeful man
in search for meaning who recieved rules instead.
I am sad for all those who are laid off this month...
hundreds in my town alone.
I am sad for my brother,
he really loves her and has changed his ways.
& I'm confused. What is important?
Sorry kids, this is one question I do not have the answer to.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Lights, Camera, Activated.

Caution: This Post will be very scattered.

"My Daughter this is a season where I am going to begin to activate you, I am going to activate the spirit of the Lord of you." How exciting. How so very exciting!!!

So I felt this, majorly. Right after the presbytery I was ready. It wasn't one of those mountaintop moments- it was just totally different. I am so ready.

Okay so what do I mean by ready, you ask? Well, I was at Cornerstone (worship on a friday night @ our church) when students went up to an alter call I felt this constant urge to pray over them- I know you can pray for others anywhere but I wanted to converse with them. But I can't. I am not a leader. Which is fine, I understand the covering and reason for this but I amreaddyyyyyyy.

I am ready to pour into others.
Not to say I am done-
No way have I reached a point of...
well there is no point. It's a season.
It is discipleship.
And I can do it.
Yay! I can do what I am finally called to do.

God has been so gracious to me (if you don't already know)
"For woman I will give you a voice, for young woman who are broken, taken advantage of, abandoned and used up, you are going to being life and restoration. You will release healing to bodies, healing to souls, healing to spirits, healing to minds- there is a gift of healing that is coming to you."

And I can do it. Yes, I have wrote about this before but it all ties in.
This is my season.

I met with my pastor today to discuss my prophecy and he believes in me.
I know that sounds bad, I mean of course he believes in me.
But his belief in me makes me even more realize how much Jesus believes in me.

"And when you found me, you found a new security and a new strength and you began you had something to offer. And when God added his spirit to the talents that are in you- they became something of great value you to me. So know this daughter, I declare in front of all these people, you are of great value to me. I'm gonna use you for my glory, I'm gonna cause worship to be birthed in you. I'm gonna cause you to be a real woman of grace, a woman of wisdom and balance."

I have something to offer. Now, here comes the hard part.
How will I know who to pour into?
I am told I can reach the unreachable...
But that takes so much work so much persistence.
Prayer. Yes, Prayer is the answer to this concern.

But oh how all so exciting.

I also love how much my schoolwork has played completely into my calling & lifegroup.
I believe that is so true the more you study social science the more you realize how perfectly it all fits into the bible.
All semester my Human Behavior class and the book Captivating have basically been hand-in-hand walking me through my childhood wounds and growing me into a young woman of God.
My diversity class has opened my eyes to the aches and pain of this devil-ruled world and how huge of a need there is to spread the good news. Forget preaching! Forget debates! just spread Jesus, there is not enough time to fret over pro-choice and gay marriage, were talking souls here not sins.

However, that is how I feel. I completely 100% believe that the spirit gives you your own convictions. When you read God's word and something pricks your heart, God gave you that on purpose. I am not a one issue woman. Some are, thats fine. Thats better then fine, its great. But I am here to save souls, not lecture them.

God has also got me looking forward a lot. I tell you what I have always been a girl of the past. Please go ahead read my beginning posts and see for yourself. But now, on a constant basis, I am looking forward to the next sunrise, the next conversation, the next chance to share my faith, the next wednesday lunchdate, the next holiday, the next email from mercy ministries, the next expression of emotion on my blog.

& then, there is him. My worldly love. I haven't had much thought about him lately. I have come to terms that in order to give these girls (whoever they maybe) what they deserve, then I must not allow my heart to wander...especially backwards.

That is whats so harrrrddd. No one sees the extra work that goes into discipling. I am not saying I want a spotlight, I get that from my RA position or my new outfit, but ughhhh. I know how exhausting it is to just care about someone, now I will be their source of wisdom. wow.

thats another big point. for the first time in my life, people listen. They don't just wave me off as a blond, as a girl, as a new christian. No, students, faculty, friends, foes-everyone they listen. It's a great feeling. Its completely from God and his wisdom and giftings he has imparted on me but I am oh so thankful for it.

& that is all for now. I feel like I have expressed enough. Good Night.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Moving up, Moving on, and Moving in

:::So epic fail on blogspot's part for losing
this orignial post however,
I am going to try and recreate it:::

I am so ready. I am so ready to do God's work.
These past few weeks I feel as if I could burst.
I just have so much that I want to give back,
and I feel so ready--- but I am not
I still have so much learn. I still have so much to face.
I wish this was a season of leadership but it's not.
It's a season of faith. It's a season of testing.

Something has changed in me drastically these past two weeks.
I have changed some outrageous opinons and life outlooks.
I want babies. I have never wanted babies before. Not never.
I normally could not stand a cat and now I crumble looking into thier eyes.
Could it be God is showing me more of His heart?
Could it be this is what I was meant to be molded into?
Who knows? But it is a wonderful season to be in.
New outlooks, new hobbies, and new loves.

I don't think I will ever forget how the moonlight
shined on her face that night.
There was four of us, singing our hearts out to the Lord.
Barely on key, barely in tune- but so pure and so submitted.
The curtain laid a perfect shade of blue on the floor
and when she swayed in that light in the dorm room
my heart melted, my life changed, and for a passing moment,
everything was as it should be.

I am not saying at all that I have any of the answers to life,
or that I have become a completely different person in two weeks-
but boy I sure do feel directed. I feel needed. I feel submitted.
I feel good, and it all feels so right.

I have been thinking a lot about where God's plan will lead me.
Africa to heal? Elmira for ol' time sakes?
Brockport to stay? Nashville to save?
Where did these aspirations come from?
How could I have ignored them for so long?
This is the first time in my Christian walk I feel as if I am only leading one life.
I wrote last month about giving up on my two lives.
And for those who have lived this, it's hard.
It is so easy to slip into old habits- but not this time.
God's love is too real to me, the pain of the world is too much for me-
to just sit back and enjoy life.
So this is how I have been feeling lately...
& I can only hope Blogspot keeps this one :)

Monday, November 17, 2008

Jesus Had Fingernails

I am beginning to look at Jesus in a different light. I love this part of Christianity, you can never be bored, God is always wanting to show you more. Yes, you can dry up and lose interest and look at God's Word as literature, but that's not what I am talking about. Forget religion for a moment and look at what I found in my relationship with Jesus-----

Jesus was man. Broad I know, Obvious I know, but seriously- man, human, flesh. I recently received Prophetic Presbytery and I was told that I would heal. I would heal not only on a natural level but supernatural. This is a deep desire of mine. I want to show that God is a God of signs and healing. That is when my thoughts led me to Jesus being man. Jesus had hands. Jesus had five fingers. Jesus had fingernails. Jesus had splinters. Jesus had blisters. Jesus had palms. Jesus had fingerprints. And through those palms, fingerprints, blisters and all- Jesus healed. He healed and people believed.

Hebrews 2:14-18

14 Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death. 15 Only in this way could he set free all who have lived their lives as slaves to the fear of dying.

16 We also know that the Son did not come to help angels; he came to help the descendants of Abraham. 17 Therefore, it was necessary for him to be made in every respect like us, his brothers and sisters, so that he could be our merciful and faithful High Priest before God. Then he could offer a sacrifice that would take away the sins of the people. 18 Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.

He was made flesh and through him the veil was broken, the covenant was born and I was saved. Now, I want nothing more than to heal. Heal this broken world. Heal physical and spiritual wounds. Break sinful vows made by the Devil's whispers. I have repetitively heard- "Kerri, you can't save the world ya know?" and they're right, I can't. But Jesus can. And I am in the favor of the Lord and He will answer my prayers of healing. And I believe with all that I have in me that God will heal through me. Not because I have the power, not because I have the talent, not because I am able, not because I am perfect- but because I will make myself available and I refuse to believe that he won't.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Green Eyes & Aspirations

It was never fair to him. I Loved him, I really did.
The moment I laid eyes on him last summer I saw forever.
But, I never believed in him.
He saw right through my fears and brought out more
Godly desires in my life than anyone has yet.
He always encouraged me and always offered Love.
Our relationship was never perfect, never meant to be.
I see that now- But, I should have supported him.
he had a dream, he had a vision-
He had Green eyes & Aspirations.

I can tell you the moment I lost him,
the moment his heart shut me out.
I remember verbally taking his dreams and
crushing them in my hands....
I'm not taking blame for how things turned out,
and I don't believe he should either.
Break-ups just happen.
And there is an off topic lesson to learn also-
There are two parts to a breakup:

  1. the actual event or happening of calling it quits
  2. the realization that your ex will move on

There was a point where I tried to turn it around
I did believe in him, I made an honest attempt
and put forth my best efforts to show my change.
But his Green eyes had lost those Aspirations
This could of honestly, been one of the saddest days of my life.
For those who have hurt the ones they love
will understand this....
I tried my hardest to get that energy, that zest back into his life-
but it was gone.
I wasn't the only one to blame, but I hate that it happened.

Its been a while since I saw those Green eyes
or heard about those Aspirations
So I guess this is my apology to him.
I'm Sorry.
And for everyone else, learn from this.
You can't judge someone's gifts, abilities or calling.
Although you can't see it- God placed a fire in their heart
and you certainly do not want to be the one breaks those
Green eyes and Aspirations.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Walking through Music

Let me begin with this warning-
If you don't know Jesus as your personal Savior, this is will seem crazy.

So as my followers know, we are reading Captivating at lifegroup.
Things in my life have really changed since we started this book.
At first I thought I was going to hate it, it was going to be another
sermon of "your beautiful because God said you are etc etc",
But its not!
Not at all! I have been so moved, so changed,
so loved,
since I began to respond to what this book was saying.
Yes, respond. you cannot just read a book like this is think
"mhmmm so good, I love Jesus". No no no.
It's "ohhh shit-- I should do something about that"

I can't really explain what changed but along with all that
time I have been taking to relax, I have given a lot more to God.
After class on Wednesday, He called me to my favorite place on campus.
It's between where my class was and on the way back to my dorm.
The trees were incredible. The lighting was perfect.
And I- was walking through music.
There just is no other way to explain it.
No ipod. No humming. No dance floor.
Just me and my Romancer.

Then again on Thursday, immediately after I found out I won
RA of the month :) He lured me in again.
This time a picnic table, almost so perfectly placed it scared me.
I swear to you- it was never there before.
And again, we danced. I turned off my phone, I kicked off my shoes
and I allowed God, my father, my teacher, my adviser, my Savior
become my Romancer.

I wondered today if he was going to be there again.
Almost as if I was waiting on a call for a second date.
So I went back. Again, I felt this overwhelming amount of love-
a fountain of- of- well music.... thick fog of
worthiness and perfection,

forgiveness and kindness,
gentleness and prosperity.

I had finally found it.
The reason we were made, the reason for the garden,
the reason for our creation.
Love. A love much deeper than 1Corinthians,
a love much deeper than Hallmark and diamonds.
Deeper than our parents, deeper than our friends, deeper than our pastors.

It was Love from our creator.
A love He had been longing for me to feel for so long.

A love that I had foolishly overlooked and taken for granted.
This Love has changed my life and I refuse to stay quiet!!!

Let Him in. Seriously, if your haven't felt this- if you haven't heard a cricket symphony played just for you, if you haven't felt like you were born with or on purpose, if you haven't seen the daylight smile back at you, give in. Really, it's time to just give in.

Monday, November 3, 2008

>< back to the basics ><

I feel as if I have gotten a little uptight along these college years.
I haven't forgotten what it is to be immature.
I've been known to have my good times, I just got so busy.
Being busy doesn't help anything.
If your doing too much you'll never be able to fully give yourself to anything.
Therefore, nothing can really be accomplished.
I made it a point this week to get back to the basics:

  • I put down my phone and ignored it
  • I deep conditioned my hair
  • I skipped a class to hang out with my old roomie
  • I hit up the coffee shop a more than a couple of times
  • I caught up on One Tree Hill, my weekly soap
  • I read three chapters in Captivating
  • I called family members that I lost touch with
  • I finished a pack of Hi-C & ate my Trix by color
  • I layed in bed and enjoyed the silence, yup- the silence.
  • I laughed my way through old photo albums
  • I made some killer youtube play lists
  • & most importantly I enjoyed the time to myself

It was exactly what I needed. I am so thankful that I am a hard worker,
but I am even more grateful that I know how to take care of myself.
I wish the same for everyone else, because it's one of the best feelings.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

_Captivating_Waiting on Beauty_

"Living in true Beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit. We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow. it is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged. The waiting does not diminish us. As a pregnant woman is enlarged in her waiting, so are out hearts. God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You
know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more sustainable than our health. He is restoring and growing in us an external weight of glory. And sometimes.... it hurts." pg. 143

"Yes, life is harsh on a woman's heart. It has been hard on your heart. The assault on our beauty is real. But Jesus is urging us now to care for ourselves, watch over our hearts (Prov. 4:23). The world needs your beauty. That is why you are here. Your heart and your beauty are something treasured and nourished. And it takes time. Every gardener knows this. In our age of instant makeovers and microwave meals, we don't want to wait. But a newly planted rose's presentation in its first year is nothing compared to its second. If properly cared for, its second year's display doesn't hold a candle to it's third. Gardens need to become established; their roots need to go deep through summer rains and winter frosts. A garden's beauty does not diminish with age; rains and winter frosts; rather it takes years to become all that it can become." pg. 145

My first response to this chapter is: Oh boy.
Honestly, I have never truly been alone, there has always been "someone".
But it's time-God's calling. And for once, I'm running towards Him.
I'm not saying this is going to be easy.
Let me make this clear: FAITH IS NOT EASY.
I am following God's calling knowing He loves me
but it's a whole lot easier to have a worldly love.

Not better, not more satisfying, not more filling, not more romantic-
just easier.

for those who are reading: please keep this in your prayers.

Friday, October 31, 2008


Halloween was my favorite holiday....
& I just feel miserable.
I don't feel like college kids perverted the idea
because for the last two years I was that girl that made you shake your head
but I just feel miserable.
I want to have fun. I don't need the alcohol, but I don't to grow up
and realized I miss out.
Freud would say my Superego is out of control. Every action I feel guilty now.
I can't do anything without second guessing myself.
Why am I so organized, so disciplined?
Most of the time I see it as a blessing but today I just want to be
8 years old again.
I have two papers I have to write tonight.
It's my own fault.
plus I just realized how soon all my friends are leaving...
Semester Abroad, graduating, moving.
Including me I'm leaving for Nashville in a year.
What an amazing opportunity. But in the face of my feelings now
It just scares the shit out of me.
In April, I'll be 21. that doesn't feel old but by 22
I'll be "all grown up". I'll be in Grad program. I feel like it took me so long to move on from high school
how the heck am I suppose to give Brockport up??

Worrying is a waste of time...

Monday, October 27, 2008

He brought me back so I could move forward

The funny thing is I don't ever remember him calling me pretty, he never commented on my golden hair or my blue tear drop eyes. He never really physically showed me either. He never tried to kiss me and I don't think he ever reached for my hand, but I knew and he knew.

It was in his eyes. The moment he saw me his eyes lit up, they glowed, they dazzled. He followed me like a lost puppy and I loved it- and I loved him.

Ill never forget how long I cried. How hopeless I felt. I figured it was all my fault but I just wanted him back. Anything to have him look that way at me again.

I learned very young that love doesn't have to be spoken, nor felt, nor seen- just embraced. It's not in the air , it's not in the words, it's not in the kisses- but it's just there. To be taken fully and wholeheartedly. To be consumed and immersed with.

That boy taught me more about God's love than any Pastor or scripture could. He taught me how to sit back and be adored to be loved and to be longed for.

For so many years I have been quietly grieving my loss and turning it into hatred for him. Thankfully, God brought me back this weekend so I could move forward. Now, I just want to thank him for teaching me love- without even meaning to.

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Sooo- I came home for a break from school & I am comfortable here. This is the place I know. I know the people, I know the streets, I know the restaurants, I know the gossip, I just know.

I was never scared of leaving. I knew I could make it at Brockport. I just didn't realize that what I knew would change.

I wanted to come back & know that someone missed me. I wanted to come back & find that they couldn't survive without me. I wanted everything to pause as I moved forward.

But it didn't. I changed. They changed. Streets changed. Stores changed. It's not the same place. Yet, I still feel comfortable here.

Comfortable, however, is no longer in the cards for me. Home feels like a dead end to me. Like the Bermuda triangle-as if I could get stuck there forever-

I finally feel like I have moved on. Even if I wanted to pick up my old habits, & live my life here again, I wouldn't be able to.

These weekends remind me exactly what life is suppose to be about... not what it use to be about. I could keep on living these two lives, talk one thing and walk another but I can't anymore.

I raise the white flag and allow God's Kingdom to move in.
.I. .f.i.n.a.l.l.y. s.u.r.r.e.n.d.e.r.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


"Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breathe in order to win your heart.God's version of flowers and chocolate and candlelight dinners come in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion." p. 116

"The culture of woman in the church today is crippled by some pervasive lies. 'To be spiritual is to be busy. To be spiritual is to be disciplined. To be spiritual is to be dutiful.' No, to be spiritual is to be in a Romance with God. The desire to be romanced lies deep in the heart of every woman. It is for such that you were made. And you are romanced, and ever will be" p. 127

"She's talking about going to church and singing hymns. Nope. Worship is far more passionate, far more abandoned. Worship is what we give our hearts away to in return for a promise of life. Some worship fashion; others worship a boyfriend or husband. We are really limitless in what we will give our hearts away to. Movies, food, shopping, gossip, you name it, I've bowed to them all." p.123

"What were the things that romanced your heart as a girl? was it horses in a field? Was it the fragrance of the air after the a summer rain? Was it a favorite book like The Secret Garden? The first snowfall in winter? Those were all whispers from your lover, notes sent to awaken your heart's longings. And as we journey into a true intimacy with God as woman, he often brings those things back into our lives, to remind us he was there, to heal and restore things that were lost or stolen" p.116

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Have you ever sat back and wondered why you are the way you are...

What really formed you into you? Could Freud be right?
Could the method of potty training really affect your organizational skills?
Did your parent's choice of discipline affect you psychologically?
Was your fourth grade crush the reason you fear commitment now?
Did your parents divorce ruin your views on love?
Was there someone praying for you before you were even born?
Are you on someone's prayer list even though you have never met?

**I believe that there are people who have planted seeds in my life,
in which I have never and will never meet.
**I believe that when my Pre-K teacher wrote "ill be praying for you"
in my yearbook, that she really did.
**I believe that when the christian girl in my school fasted her lunches
that she prayed for me.
**I believe that it is unfortunate that I'll never be able to know who
has put such dedication in my life to make me who I am today.
**I believe that although all seeds do not sprout before your eyes,
each one is placed there for a reason and over time they will always grow.

I'm ready to reap a harvest. But first, I must plant some seeds-
whether they know it or not.


Its just like God to take something I thought I
knew everything about and completely flip it upside down...

I understand dating. I get the cat and mouse game.
I have dominated the field of mind games and I know
a little too much about flirting. But, [[courting]]
sounds so much better. So pure, so real and so [[perfect]].

Wikipedia explains Courtship as:
the traditional dating period before engagement and
marriage. During a courtship, a couple dates to get
to know each other and decide if there will be an
engagement. Usually courtship is a public affair,
done in public and with family approval.

It includes activities such as dating where couple go
together for a dinner, a movie, dance parties, [[a picnic]],
shopping or general "hanging out", along with other forms
of activity. Acts such as meeting on the internet or virtual
dating, chatting on-line, sending text messages or picture
messages, conversing over the telephone, writing each
other [[letters]], and sending each other flowers, songs,
and gifts constitute wooing.

Main Principles from Leave "Dating Behind: a Road Map to Marriage"
by Christina Rogers are:
* The guardianship responsibility of fathers over
single daughters.
* The responsibility of parents to prepare their
children for marriage in all respects, and for youths
to be prepared in terms of talents, education, vocation
and finances prior to seeking a courtship relationship.
* The mentoring role of parents or other suitable
"accountability couples" in a given courtship.
* Supervision of courtships to mitigate temptations
or abuse, whether of a sexual, emotional or financial nature.
* Emphasis of the importance of marriage as an opportunity
for Christian service rather than a selfish endeavor.

* Emphasis of the importance of singleness before
marriage as a time for greater [[Christian service]]
in the community, rather than a time to be employed
in selfish pursuits.
* Emphasis of the importance of counsel and evaluation
by family and friends as a relationship progresses.
* Emphasis of the importance of [[honesty]] and getting
to know one another as real people in "normal life"
during courtship (as contrasted with the dating habit
of meeting during special events and entertainment while
on one's best behavior.)
* The maintenance of sexual [[purity]]. all this possible? Granted, I know all things
are possible through Jesus Christ who strengthens me
Mark 9:23, but dating has been such a big part of
my life. Not to mention fun. But this is not my [[season]]
for it. I'm going to sit this one out for a little,
take some time for myself, for my friends, for God-
and maybe like everyone says I'll just look up someday...
and [[he'll be there]].

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday Night Lights

"Friday night butterflies, like clockwork they'd arrive.
A little chill in an October sky- nervous til the kickoff came.
Four quarters win or lose. Spent Saturdays black and blue,
but it was what I loved to do and it was more than just a game.
It was my life and it was fun, another season of my life is done.
Another race I'm glad I got to run, another chapter in my life
its over.
No I'm never gonna feel like that again "
-Kenny Chesney

"There is a time for everything and a season for every
activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to uproot."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

"You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant
of our lives while they are happening. We grow
complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them
for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be
taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've
been that you realized how much you need it, how much you
love it. God, I love this game. "

-One Tree Hill

.::.people think I'm stuck in the past <<but really>> I just prefer another season.::.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

my definition of beauty

:::I gave myself 10 minutes towrite downeveryday items I find beautiful:::

the sunrise
the flower in the sidewalk
good morning texts
smell of coffee roasting
the wind
fallen leaves
golden trees
being yourself
living free
dangling earrings
empty park benches
decorated picnic tables
small talk
freshly planted trees
God's word
flowing skirts
curly hair
hard work paying off
unexpected gifts
bright highlighters
perfect smile
an A+
getting out of class early
fresh cut grass
lunch dates
pumpkin spice lattes
a good book
old school music
Friday night football game
ripped jeans
a stolen kiss
high heels
yearbook signatures
my sister
late nights
flowers of all sorts
blue eyes
green eyes
lip gloss

::::::Try it, you may surprise yourself::::::

Sunday, October 12, 2008

He knows.

I am so glad he knows. Everyday I wake to hear of another
heartbreak, another loss, another cry of desperation.
he knows. he heals. he restores.

"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"
Everything, Lifehouse

Your cries are never void.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

It's Time

November 2006:
It's a time to live life, it's a time to make mistakes,
it's a time to realize we are turning into our parents and
stop it.
It's a time to [[[ m a k e f r i e n d s ]]] ,
it's a time to lose friends, it's a time to --FalL iN lOvE-- and
it's a time to break hearts. It's a time to forget things, it's a
time to make memories, it's a time to never be alone, and
it's a time to figure everything out for ourselves.
It's a time to cry about what we use to laugh about and it's a time to
laugh about what we use to cry about. It's a time to
[[[ h a t e o u r s e l v e s ]]]because .w.e.r.e. t.r.y.i.n.g. making it
on our own and it's a time to love ourselves because we
are finally doing what we always wanted to do. It's a time to just
let go of some things and it's a time to [[[ t r y t o h o l d o n ]]] to
all that we can.
*to only being young once..

Friday, October 10, 2008

The Love Story

The Love Story

Like any other girl I have previously lived my love life through movies like The Notebook. I believed that men rode in on white horses and I expecting them to treat me like those fictional characters. With this false belief I have continually had my heart broken with every man I met. I have been emotional and physical abusive relationships. After the last relationship I had officially given up. I have internalized these failures and blamed myself. It took years for me to truly find love. So when I found this true love I decided I wanted to tell the world my love story. I wanted to describe a real love to every searching girl, so she could know that love does exist and to not give up on finding it. This is a real life love story filled with aches and pains, generosity and forgiveness. But it is a love that it is not depicted too often.
It is hard to explain how we first met. I had heard stories here and there from friends that just absolutely adored him. I had always meant to find him, but somehow he found me. It was just one of those magical moments when you know your life will never be the same. I knew instantly that he felt the same way. Although he did not say it in words, he showered me with gifts and there was always a smile on his face as he looked deep into my heart. We spent endless hours together and surprisingly he never got bored with me. He listened to all my stories and never lost interest. I felt like we had known each other forever, I could not understand how I had made it this far in life without him. He knew me from the inside out.
The things he did for me would just melt any girl’s heart. Towards the beginning of our relationship he had given me a book that changed my life. It seemed as if had written me a love story. Inside I found the true desires of my heart written in black and white. Every word he wrote was delicately chosen and thought out. His love poured out of every page. And for the first time I felt the true promise of forever. I had no idea my heart had ached for these words so much, until I saw them. Granted I had only begun to get to know him but because of that book here was no more doubt in my mind, he was the one.
The next couple of weeks were just bliss. Nothing else seemed to matter. I found myself enjoying every detail of my life because of his love. Every day I woke to find a new reason to enjoy his company, there is just no other way to explain it. Meanwhile my friends turned green with envy and ex-boyfriends begged for a second chance. Nothing really hit me as hard though, when my parents questioned. They questioned his motives, they questioned his realness, and they questioned my sanity.
I let their words sink deep; I festered over them until they took over. I began to doubt his love for me. I mean honestly what did he really want from me? Why was he being so nice? There had to be a catch. I began questioning his every move, losing faith in his words and worst of all I tried to hide my feelings from him. He could see I was acting different but he never lost patience with me. He just stood tall. He waited until I was ready to talk and he listened. He sympathized with every word that left my mouth. He held me until my tears began to dry and then he asked if he could take me to his special place.
I was hesitant to follow him but I had never been treated so fairly and loving before. He brought me to a place on campus, where the cars don’t drive by and the students don’t see. And then, as if we were in a movie, we danced. The only witnesses were the stars. It was just him and I in our open field. My worries never seemed so far away, my life never made more sense; I had never been more loved.
The next time I visited this field I went alone. There I found a newly planted garden. I had told him multiple times before of my love for flowers and now that it was. Most girls receive a rose here and there or maybe a dozen on holidays, but I had garden full. A garden made just for me.
Time had passed and we went through what any couple goes through when they are figuring out their lives. He was older than me and upon his graduation he was hired out of state. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he asked me “Will you follow me?” What girl could possibly say no? Sure, I had my own plans, my own desires but he needed me and I loved him. He was the only one who had shown me true compassion, love and forgiveness. He had never failed me before and I knew that if I put his plan first I would be taken care of. I put faith in his love and I know it was the right thing to do.

to be continued...