Friday, January 22, 2010

It's not where you are

It was the first day I was here alone. A few hours prior I had watched Dad's Chevy Malibu circle its way down the slope away from the hotel, taking away the only two people in the state I had known. A plus was that I really enjoy hotel rooms, even when I am alone. From there I leisurely got ready and headed over to my new [[[beautiful]]] home to drive to church with Laura [[Pastor'swife]].

 On our way I remember saying this: “Although all people say this I am a firm believer in it’s not where you are, it’s who you are with”. How much more true did that become for me this week. It was a rough week. It’s not that I missed anyone in particular but I never realized how ‘not-fun’ it is to not have friends. It is a very hard revelation I had to come to; I guess that little detail never crossed my mind.

Later that night I went to the local target that had a starbucks inside of it, I’ll admit I went more for comfort than the few items I planned on buying. I approached the starbucks counter full and not really in need of a drink. The barista asked me what I would like and I hesitated and shyed away with ‘Oh, I am still looking’. A minute later I said, “Can I tell you a quick story?” Her eyes light up and she gave me her full attention [[iwasnotexpectingthat]] I told her where I was from, why I was down here, and I think I only came to the store for a dose of home. Her response was overwhelming. She was warm, funny, and a Jesus freak, as I. Since we started talking I decided I should buy something so I am not a weirdo standing at the counter. I started ordering and realized I did not have my wallet… ut oh. Although I don’t think she noticed, she asked me if I would like her to make a sample because she never did her required one that day. So for the next hour and a half, Molly [[thebarista]] and I drank the 12 mini cups of a skinny vanilla latte and talked a lot about church culture, down south, and our dreams.  It was exactly what the doctor ordered, however in this case [[andinmostcasesisuppose]] I believe God set up this appointment, He knew I would appreciate talking to Molly and that I would forget my wallet, He just knew.

Now onto Monday the 18th, the big day.  A day I have waited for 27 months!!  I am still not really sure how I feel about Monday, or the whole week that is. I know I will end up loving it… but it is tough. Brockport is still weird about the requirements and Mercy [[astheyshould]] will not bend with any leniencies.  I have many various tasks that give me a broad overview of what Mercy operates like. I have a book I have to finish reading this weekend that is written by Nancy Alcorn. By the fourth day I did feel pretty close to the girls, at least knew about 10 names out of 40. I do a lot of household stuff, edits to reports, and shadowing each position in the home. I have 410 more hours to go. I am really hoping to kick this head cold and feel a lot better about this place and my requirements.

I guess I should get this post to how I am [[really]] feeling. The most important aspect to all this loneliness, confusion, sickness, and frustration I have been feeling is the realization that every part of my life now relys on my relationship with God. [[letmeexplian]].

 Since I started my relationship with God, obviously everything in my life changed but I was able to keep parts of my life separate from his healing and restoring power. Think of your facets of life, you have your free time, you have work, you have family time, you have romantic relationships, if you are a student you have classroom and homework time. Think of the many different situations life brings you…  my relationship with God use to yes, affects all aspects of my life but only my church or devotional time would suffer if I “felt like” ignoring God that week. Now, I have a relationship that centers around our Lord and Savior and his call for our lives, I have friends who I don’t feel like really admitting to that I have not spent quality time with God, I have a family I am living with who knows improving your character is vital in the Kingdom, and now I have a job that if I dare to walk into the building without putting on the armor of God I am endangering others… everything revolves around my intimate relationship with Jesus… and that is difficult to know. I have no worldly place to “rest”... I say rest but really I mean hide. I have been to four worship sessions since arriving on Sunday and none of which I have surrendered. It is so obvious He is jealous for my heart, He needs my full commitment to move on in everything, He needs to know that he can trust me to do His work, that He can start a fire in me and I will properly release it to others… and I am, I am holding back. It goes back to my first thoughts, "It's not where you are, but who you are with" I am at my dream job, I am in the city I have dreamed about literally for years but in my selfishness I do not share it with the Lord. I Sorry to end it there, but it is where my heart is- it is also with all of you who are reading this [[imissyou]].


Heather said...

yeah, He told me that. Just spend time sitting at His table, and let him love on you in your lonliness, and in your know...=]

<3333 LOVEyou.

Dea said...

Hey I miss you!! Thanks for keeping us updated on your life out there! You have so much to offer and so much to gain, what an exciting time! :)
love you!

[dana] said...

Love you and so proud of you! Miss you as well!! Enjoy TN and this amazing experience Bport has allowed us both to have! <3 D2