Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Miss You, Sincerly Me

Dear Lord,

How long did I let myself run dry? Lord Jesus you have already forgiven me- but Lord I miss your company. I miss your touch. I miss the peace I receive from you. I miss your sense of humor. I miss your the adventures we use to have. I miss the music you use to set my feet a dancing to. I miss the way the sunshine reminded me of your smile. I miss telling my friends about you. I miss the envy they had over you. I miss the gifts you use to surprise me with. I miss the time we spent just enjoying each other. I miss everything.

You complete me.

I'm hoping you'll take me back. I know I've done you wrong and it's nothing directly against you- juts put some other things ahead of you. I let my love for you dwindle as others made me false promises of forever. I can tell by your spirit that you still love me, you still cherish me, you never will cause me harm. But as much as I believe that and as much as I miss you...

I don't trust you.

You have never really given me a reason not to, I mean things have gone wrong but that was never intentional. You didn't want harm to happen, it just did. My heart aches for you. It longs for you. It was created for you. But I am not willing to surrender yet, not just yet. I'll allow you to romance me. I'll allow you you to spoil me. I'll allow you to cherish me as I learn to cherish you again and then maybe- just maybe- I'll put dreams in your hands. I'll put my load upon your back. I'll put my giftings to work for you. But I'm not in love yet.

But please, oh dear Lord please, do not give up on me.


Friday, March 13, 2009

*the infamous green planner*

I was in a fight recently when someone pointed out how much of my life is dedicated on my green planner. Anyone who has met me has consequently met this green planner. I have never seen this as a problem and frankly I still don't. It is how I get through college and I love it. I am really proud of myself, I do a lot & I am really good at balancing my life. I never thought I would accomplish this much in college. I knew I had potential, we all do, but I never realized how far my unrecognized privileges would take me. I virtually have no debt, a new car, I have been abroad twice & plan on spending a semester in Nashville collecting credits doing EXACTLY what I want to do. God, how could you be so gracious to me?
Thank you. I just don't how else to say it.

Back to my planner though... it is kinds full & let me tell you it really has not left me time for God. Okay rephrase that, there is always time it is just up to me how I spend it. And really I have been productive lately. Like good papers, successful hall programs, & such but where are the rewards? I get praise, I get awards... but am I bringing any of that to heaven? Hmmm, so this green planner that I love, that I spend hours a week sketching out my meetings & busy work... is it taking me over? Is it not good to live so going, going, going, really tired? Am I a Martha (Luke 10:40)... am I clogging my life so I don't have to hear answers.

Getting those answers scare me to death. Its like all I want is for God to answer my cries but really when He goes to answer a lot of the times I pretend He's not. I feel like I am in a constant struggle of maturing and staying young, college life and christian values, moving up and humbling myself, staying and going, pop music and worship, loving him and Losing him. I live in paradoxes and find comfort in conflicting viewpoints.

Really the only constant I have (besides my loving Savior) is my green planner. Its just how I operate, always have and always will. It never changes it mind, it never leaves me unfilled, its just squares of days that I fill so I don't have to feel this constant battle. It's like pong- the computer one with the two bricks and one ball that bounces back and forth... thats my life, green planner and all.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Social Worker In Me

My heart isn't here anymore. I feel like I am pulling my teeth out every time I go to write a paper. I would like to blame this on laziness or early senioritis, but really I'm just not into it.

You know where my heart is? For those who don't know my sister was admitted to the hospital after having a feveral seizure. It was an isolated incident but still scary none the less. She was rushed to Strong Memorial in Rochester, NY. She is healing now and the family is rested and grateful. Even though that was obviously my main concern, I told you that to explain my heart. So I am at the hospital and I spot a few signs for an interfaith chapel. I recently sat in on a conference discussion on interfaith so my senses were hightened. I knew that this meant every religion and spirituality was allowed to worship there. So I am pumped. My sister's healing I want to praise God and woo I'm feeling good. I get there it s a nice place, glamorus and all. I check it out since I am the onll one there. It had a huge mosaic of a few well known scriptures. Since I am curious I walk to the back and realize there is a small sign on top of a chest noting where the muslim rugs could be found. And I'm thinking wait a second... I came in and instantly saw scripture and you're telling me Muslims have to find thier way to the back for thier rugs? Why was thier no sign in the front?! This angered me. I mean if your claiming to be interfaith then lets cater to everyone's need... I know its the social worker in me but my heart gets so angry at such things. Who are we to think everyone will enjoy the scriptures? Who are we that when they are in need at a HOSPITAL they have to feel out of place in worship. So thats, that.

Now I have not mentioned in any blog before my research. Let's call it a life long research project. I am in the beginning stages of acedemic crtiques and exploring. I ahve an idependent study this semester studying the paradigams of Chirsitanity & Feminsim. I do not whatsoever want to blog this yet. I want to be more informed. I want to be subjectional. I want to be less irrational when I finally let it all out. For the record I am a proud Chirstian & Feminist. So don't think Im out to prove one over the other. I want to do the opposite actually, kind of. I don't want to write about mushy-gushy-can't-we-be-friends, we-all-care-about-being-the-best-women-we could-be. I want to be real i want to explore our two different mind sets and be able to hit the sore spots and actaully t.a.l.k about it. I don't want to convert. I don't want to prove points I want to understand. And I do understand a lot of it since it is my heart- but I don't want to a rant blogger. Especially because I spent mumerous hours on end reading those type of blogs for this research. Its kind of like having my own interviews like these Doctoric level social workers get to.

But anyways I am a firm believer that everyone has thier passions, everyone has thier convictions and we will all argue to were more than blue in the face to solve these issues. Its how God intended it to be. Ill be the eyes you can be the arms and together we can heal this broken world.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dear God, Sincerely Me.

Dear God,

It's me again. It's kinda late, I know, but you know how I get thinking. I don't really know how to say this... well I do- but it's hard to hear. I messed up. You asked me to guard my heart and I failed miserable. However, I am not mad at myself. I'm not shaking my head in disappointment. I am not blaming others, I'm not running away and I am not giving up.

He's really great, ya know? You created a beautiful human being and he is really starting to awaken to the depths of his dreams and what you created him for. Such a wonderful thing, truly. But I'm not helping anymore. Frankly, I am pushing him away- from everything. Needless to say, I screwed up.

So now what? Really, like can you write me back? Can you send a messenger or something? Because right now I am lost.

The last time you and I talked I was starting to realize how little of trust I had in you. I mean ::whoof:: I am scratching my head, smiling, and wondering how I made it this long without faith.

WOW. seriously.

Faith. Trust in the unseen. Belief in the unheard. I have none. mhMmm & not a good mHmmM either.

God are you following this? Because I'm scattered. Did you make me this way? If you did that's cool and all... but it's not always the best fit for me and my situations.

Do you think this has anything to do with my priorities lately? I bet so. I really messed up there, didn't I? I really need forgiveness for that. I am truly sorry. I have put off not only my secular commitments but you. The giver, the maker, my romancer, my comforter, I put you to the side. I let you cheer from the sidelines while I did "your work".


Think of it. If I knew better than you. If I really knew how to run this world. Ha. it's funny but I act that way. You know that.

Well, I guess I really wanted to ask for your forgiveness and let you know I really am willing to accept this trial. I will be seeing you in the morning, I promise. Until then can you surround him in love for me? If I can't anymore- can you make sure he knows how truly great he is and how proud I am of him?

I guess that's really it. Sorry again. But thanks for understanding.... It's good to know you'll always be there, even if my faith is lacking.