Friday, January 29, 2010

My Breaking Heart

They say to turn to God.
That He is the healer.
He is the one who can bind up our hurts and save us.
For the past two weeks I have walked into quite the battlefield.
Addictions, torment, and low self-worth lingering within it's walls.
But when 5pm comes around and it is time to go, I have never felt discouraged.
Jesus is the Conqueror in the house. By no means could our own strength, worth, or science heal these wounds.
And I will spare you the verses and the visible proof only because you won't believe it until you felt it.
But it is real and good things are happening.
And perhaps you think I don't know a lickity-split about hurts.
How immeasurably difficult it seems to have faith in the tough situations.
How far away God seems to feel the moment our lives dissapoint us.
How desperate we feel the moment our innocence is stolen.
How uncared for we seem to be the moment our lives were shattered...
So I decided to write.
As of 18 minutes ago I found out my two-year old sister had another seizure.
My first thought right now is what kind of selfish sister would immediately run to her computer to tell her audience this... But I wanted you, and the future girls I plan on sharing this with to know- that I know the hurt, the confusion, the eye-burning tears, the heart in throat, the angst, the anger and the hopelessness this sort of situation arises. I am at least 4 states away from Ella... and all the only comfort I can send to her is the one of the Holy Spirit. Although my flesh feels useless and frightened my soul lifts up and I just pray God's protection over her. We have to make the choice to step out of our hurting and allow God to do His work in us and in the situation surrounding us, all he asks of us is to believe. My sweet, sweet Ella. And my heart breaks for those who have not seen or do not believe in the mighty works God has done. Ella will be healed by faith. And I pray you all will be too.

Mark 5:34
He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering. 
 Luke 7:13 
When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, "Don't cry." 
John 14:25-27
 "All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Blog 101

Great news! This is my 101st post. That makes me smile. I have made myself quite transparent within these last 16 months and I am very porud of that. God has brought me to a place where a double life is no longer the norm, and a hidden past feels necessary, and current sins feel shameful but are now used as teaching moment for us all.  [[bearwithnme-ifyouareanew-oradifferent'believing'reader]] Before I noticed that I had missed the cheesy blogger celebration for my 100th post I was going to entitle this blog "This One is For Me".

Sometimes I write because I feel like I have made a mistake others could learn from.
Sometimes I write because well hey- I feel like I have something important to say.
Sometimes I write to update my friends on where my recent travels have taken me.
Sometimes I write to update my friends on where my love affair with my Lord and Savoir has taken me.
But this time I am writing for just me. This time I am writing to let the cries of my heart set free. This time I am writing to reconnect with the one I love.

Church is great here. I mean for someone who loves the freshness and boldness of God and his followers it is so great. The spirit is really moving here. It's rather large. Although by the size of it, you couldn't tell over 800 Nashvillians pack in for one service. It is an old elementary auditorium, so we are not talking big-ole-fancy-football-stadiums-big, but it's big. I feel so alive with their [[hourandahalf]] worship!! But the down times left me so... empty, so alone. This morning was the third time I attended this church since my arrival last Sunday and how appropriate I only know three people there. Even for an outgoing girl like me it is just hard to meet, and I mean really meet, someone in such a large body. But it is more than that... Of course, I want friends, people who I can connect with, shop with and waste time with... but even more so I believe I feel this craving because God wants me. I believe before he can answers the prayers of my heart, I must first remember what it is to marvel in His presence. What a blessing it is to sit at His feet and learn the ways of the Kingdom and feel His glory shine upon my face. And I realize I may have lost some of you by now, some readers and passerby-ers but that's why I said, "This one is for me" but I encourage you to bear with me.

So many times we are reminded that the Lord is jealous for us, that without him there is no life. I heard one girl at my internship say through her tears, "It's like I was alive but I wasn't living- and THAT is why I need this ministry, I want to live life again, seeing how the multiple times I have tried to take it from myself, I have failed, I might as well live."

Wow... think about that for a second. Lord knows I was probably not suppose to share that, but really think about it- how often do we live without living? Well, I tell ya what, I sure want to live. Nothing in His Kingdom has ever proven to me that He is not worth fighting for. His mercy, His grace, His unconditional love, His tenderness, His creativity- and I do not just say these words because they sound Christian-like or fitting BUT BECAUSE I HAVE EXPERIENCED THEM. Oh. the goodness He has shown me, the favor He has put on my life. He has promised me that my cries will be heard, that my faith-filled prayers will kick open doors and save the hurting women of this world AND OH, HOW I BELIEVE HIM!!!

Tears fill my eyes and start to run down my cheeks as I write- this is not common for me. Although emotional by nature, my heart is just overflowing with His desire for me. Yes, desire. That is exactly what I feel. He desires to be with me. He desires to hear my voice. He desires to see my dreams come true. He desires me. And honestly, what woman does not long to feel desired for? Or- desire to be longed for. I am not the creator of this thought, but why do you think we all have such underlying emotions, such strong ties to hope, a common need to be loved?

I leave you with this, I cannot wait to delve back into this love relationship with the Lord. I am so thankful He brought me to this new appreciation of desire and hunger for Him. For it is through our sufferings we become aware of how beautiful the one, the dream, the Kingdom, the Father, the Spirit, the love, the comfort, we are chasing really is. I thank all of you who I know have kept me in your prayers [[orwishesandhopes-ifour'beliefs'-aredifferent]] I have come to a great place. A great job, a great city, a miraculous home, and back to a Father I can't wait to experience.

Please listen to this.
Much Love,
Above all else: Love

Friday, January 22, 2010

It's not where you are

It was the first day I was here alone. A few hours prior I had watched Dad's Chevy Malibu circle its way down the slope away from the hotel, taking away the only two people in the state I had known. A plus was that I really enjoy hotel rooms, even when I am alone. From there I leisurely got ready and headed over to my new [[[beautiful]]] home to drive to church with Laura [[Pastor'swife]].

 On our way I remember saying this: “Although all people say this I am a firm believer in it’s not where you are, it’s who you are with”. How much more true did that become for me this week. It was a rough week. It’s not that I missed anyone in particular but I never realized how ‘not-fun’ it is to not have friends. It is a very hard revelation I had to come to; I guess that little detail never crossed my mind.

Later that night I went to the local target that had a starbucks inside of it, I’ll admit I went more for comfort than the few items I planned on buying. I approached the starbucks counter full and not really in need of a drink. The barista asked me what I would like and I hesitated and shyed away with ‘Oh, I am still looking’. A minute later I said, “Can I tell you a quick story?” Her eyes light up and she gave me her full attention [[iwasnotexpectingthat]] I told her where I was from, why I was down here, and I think I only came to the store for a dose of home. Her response was overwhelming. She was warm, funny, and a Jesus freak, as I. Since we started talking I decided I should buy something so I am not a weirdo standing at the counter. I started ordering and realized I did not have my wallet… ut oh. Although I don’t think she noticed, she asked me if I would like her to make a sample because she never did her required one that day. So for the next hour and a half, Molly [[thebarista]] and I drank the 12 mini cups of a skinny vanilla latte and talked a lot about church culture, down south, and our dreams.  It was exactly what the doctor ordered, however in this case [[andinmostcasesisuppose]] I believe God set up this appointment, He knew I would appreciate talking to Molly and that I would forget my wallet, He just knew.

Now onto Monday the 18th, the big day.  A day I have waited for 27 months!!  I am still not really sure how I feel about Monday, or the whole week that is. I know I will end up loving it… but it is tough. Brockport is still weird about the requirements and Mercy [[astheyshould]] will not bend with any leniencies.  I have many various tasks that give me a broad overview of what Mercy operates like. I have a book I have to finish reading this weekend that is written by Nancy Alcorn. By the fourth day I did feel pretty close to the girls, at least knew about 10 names out of 40. I do a lot of household stuff, edits to reports, and shadowing each position in the home. I have 410 more hours to go. I am really hoping to kick this head cold and feel a lot better about this place and my requirements.

I guess I should get this post to how I am [[really]] feeling. The most important aspect to all this loneliness, confusion, sickness, and frustration I have been feeling is the realization that every part of my life now relys on my relationship with God. [[letmeexplian]].

 Since I started my relationship with God, obviously everything in my life changed but I was able to keep parts of my life separate from his healing and restoring power. Think of your facets of life, you have your free time, you have work, you have family time, you have romantic relationships, if you are a student you have classroom and homework time. Think of the many different situations life brings you…  my relationship with God use to yes, affects all aspects of my life but only my church or devotional time would suffer if I “felt like” ignoring God that week. Now, I have a relationship that centers around our Lord and Savior and his call for our lives, I have friends who I don’t feel like really admitting to that I have not spent quality time with God, I have a family I am living with who knows improving your character is vital in the Kingdom, and now I have a job that if I dare to walk into the building without putting on the armor of God I am endangering others… everything revolves around my intimate relationship with Jesus… and that is difficult to know. I have no worldly place to “rest”... I say rest but really I mean hide. I have been to four worship sessions since arriving on Sunday and none of which I have surrendered. It is so obvious He is jealous for my heart, He needs my full commitment to move on in everything, He needs to know that he can trust me to do His work, that He can start a fire in me and I will properly release it to others… and I am, I am holding back. It goes back to my first thoughts, "It's not where you are, but who you are with" I am at my dream job, I am in the city I have dreamed about literally for years but in my selfishness I do not share it with the Lord. I Sorry to end it there, but it is where my heart is- it is also with all of you who are reading this [[imissyou]].

Monday, January 18, 2010

My First Night.

This is my first attempt ever at a webcam. Thought my followers would enjoy this. I do not have much to say tonight but now that good posts will be coming. The Lord is so good and He is a just a God who answers prayers! I am also using Windows Live Writer to do this post, this too is new to me. I see why other people’s blogs look so much cooler than mine now. But alas, I have a brand new Dell Studio that rockssss so maybe I will become a little better at all this techy stuff. Be blessed ‘Y’all’ haha.

Ps the scan I do of the room is no justice- it is the loft part of my room where I have laid out everything needing to be unpacked. I hope to share pictures of this beautiful place asap.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Living in the Unknown

Here it is... *GASP the moment I have been waiting for for over two years.

I am heading out tomorrow morning with Ryan & My Father to drive down to Nashville, Tennessee to meet up with the family I will be living with that live on a cal-de-saq in what I consider a mansion to settle in for a day until I start my Internship at Mercy Ministries at 10am Monday morning. 

So that is it folks... that's all I got. I am not really scared of anything, a little that I won't fit it at my job but... nothing else. I mean I cannot predict what anything is going to be like... So let's hope my next post is more exciting and a lot of answered questions. I just wanted to let you know I am off to live out God's calling and that is something I know for certain. I can feel God's hand moving in my life- and it is definitely not in Elmira or in Brockport. I just feel like I can't grow there anymore and it is not because they are not enriched places, He just has a plan, He always has and thankfully He always will. <3

I can't even exaplin how odd of a feeling it is to know your whole life is going to be different when you wake up... I mean we have all been through it- big moves, deaths in the family, new jobs... but I have never really read anything that captured that emotion. Living in the unknown is an awful place to live, unless it is only a short period of time ((like this night is for me)) then it is a bit exciting a bit annoying and a bit tiring. 

*The unknown... the unanswered... the leaving it in Jesus's hands... 
the full gas tank with 800 miles to go... 
the fresh packed luggage soon to be unpacked... 
the closed door soon to be opened, 
the first impressions ready to be made... 
the unknown- what a weird place to be*

Tonight's playlist:
"You're little girl is off... you're little girl is off,
you're little girl is off to Tennessee"- I wonder, Kelly Pickler

"Baby don't forget:
Before you hit the highway
You better stop for gas
And there's a 50 in the ashtray
In case you run short on cash
Here's a map and here's a Bible
If you ever lose your way
Just one more thing before you leave
Don't forget to remember me"
-Don't Forget to Remember Me, Carrie Underwood

"These days everything is all business
Never in one place for too long
But there's no lack of arms around me
But I still wonder if somewhere I went wrong
Maybe I was much to selfish
but baby you're still on my mind
Now I'm grown and alone
and wishin I was with you tonight
'Cause I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee"
Tennessee, The Wreckers

"We can throw what we own in the back of a U-Haul van
A couple modern day Moses, searching for the promise land
We can go for a hundred miles before we stop for gas
We can drive for a day and then we'll take a look at the map
Heads Carolina, tails California
Somwhere greener, somewhere warmer"
-Heads Carolina, Jo Dee Messina

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Love Lingers On

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ"
-Galations 1:10
"Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you"
-Genesis 3:16
"What a man desires in unfailing love"
-Proverbs 19:22
"Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst....Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first,  for then I was better off than now.'"
- Hosea 2: 3, 7

I have decided to write about fascination with ex's. 
Here are my disclaimers: Not all young women feel this way;
This is not easy to admit to; and I really hope no one who
reads this takes this the wrong way.

It was summer. Well, it was a few summers. He was charming. I was insecure. We had fun. We went to the drive-in a lot. I don't think I ever liked him for him, more so the fun & complicated-ness of it all. He always told me I deserved better and since then I have found better. This is not me missing him... this is just me admitting that I wish I could break his heart the way he did mine. This is me admitting that when I see him out I laugh louder so he will notice me. This is me admitting I check his facebook once every couple of months just to see if any girl he hooks up with is prettier than me.
Why is it that we [iuse'we'looslybutconfidently] care so much about those in our past? Thankfully since I have found such an amazing guy my heart no longer skips a beat when the previous guy or some others walk by. But I remember that feeling... choked up, clammy hands, constantly playing with my hair. Why did I become so sarcastic? Why was I trying to be so rude yet so irresistible? It was over, I didn't like him but I had this unquenchable need for him to still like me. Why do we care what they think? Why do we care what they are up to, who they see and how they still feel about us? What is that soul-tie that lets love linger on.

I believe it has something to do with our need for drama. A story to tell, a mouse to be chased, a run to be won. I am soooooooo thankful I do not live this way anymore- it was exhausting. I know I am a new creation in Christ and I have matured a bit with my age but I wonder what it really was that changed this? I know this though, it is not all  gone.

I saw him out last night and he decided my best friend was his chase for the night. It hurt. I know she is beautiful and I know I am beautiful. I know he is not what I want or what she wants. It just hurt my ego- to be honest. Why did he have to pick her? Why not me? But then again why me? I love Ryan- I should not want to be wanted by another man. *sigh* So there is the struggle. The constant desire to be desired yet knowing that you deserve better and in this case already have better.

For anyone dealing with this I suggest the book: Captivating. Granted I suggest Captivating for almost every struggle. haha. But it gives a real biblical and true women look into this desire. *And all I am saying is that I am a work in progress.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Grass is Greener

There's life and then- there is life.
I guess I should explain...

When I was younger my Mother was engaged and he was pretty much my Father from 2nd to 6th grade. I don't remember exactly how the story went but he worked somewhere a few hours away and the halfway point from where we lived and where he worked was a little town called Greene. I won't drag this out... when I was in 6th grade he left. Whatever. That's my sad story. Everyone has one- that's mine. I've dealt with this, I have had some good counseling and some good love from both my biological father and Lord Savior. But that's not where the story lies... There is life and then, there is life.

On the surface we are two giggly girls heading into the Taco Bell parking lot. We order the same things, we have the same laugh for eight years now. We talk about love, hope, heartbreaks, old times, our future, families. We talk about life and LIFE. Like the fact her mother has forgotten her birthday a few years in a row or that she never had a home-home since the divorce.

Next story. She laughs, she smiles, she tells me about growing up dancing. We enter the house and I feel the pressure. I see the perfection. And it hurts, it really hurts. She has a life and to everyone else it looks great. But then she has a life, a hidden, dark, and very hurtful life.

Last one. Cheerleader, blond, artist, corvette, she has life and a life. Like when her boyfriend dumped her that was life and it hurt. But when her father missed her graduation that was life.

Here is the point.. I went to visit a friend who lives in Greene yesterday. Greene, yes the town all my dreams were suppose to come true at and you know what? My dreams were not there. Obviously, but I thought they might be... I mean a *new-glam* life is a big promise to an 8 year old girl and I bought it. And that is life.

We all have hurts and we all have wounds. Wounds are hurts that never seem to go away. The common theme that follows you around. I wish I could be detailed and use imagery to woo you all to understand what a wound is. But think about it... in the hallways you see the girl upset about the bad grade she just got, but really she is worried that her parents are going to make her move out if she gets another B. They never believed in her- just pushed her. See there is life and then there is life.

When we sit at taco bell and talk about ex-boyfriends that broke our heart we talk about life. But then when we sit in the parking lot we talk about those who have violated us and how that has ruined our view of boundaries.

Catch it? Life and Life. Simple everyday stuff that makes us laugh & cry but then the *real* stuff that silently makes us suffer? But I am here to tell you the grass is not greener on the other side. The dreams I built as a child were foolish, they were made out of fears and materialism. But the dreams God have made for me are beautiful, wonderful, intricate, and fantastic... the best part? Not only is the grass green where I am standing now but I only know a fraction of everything He has planned out for me!

::::This time I am letting the right "daddy" make my dreams for me::::

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

When Push comes to Shove

To my Faithful Readers:

Brockport has yet to sign the MercyMinistries contract.
As of four days ago, they want me to have a new supervisor.
This may happen by tomorrow... or it may not happen at all.

Don't be fooled, I am not worried.
Well, I am [[ha.ha.]] but I am not going to be after I write this post.
It makes me laugh thinking how many times
I have had to give this internship into the Lord's hands...
Maybe I should have just left it in His, huh?

10 days!!
In 10 days I am suppose to be embarking on the newest
and most exciting chapter of my life...
and they want a new supervisor?

Outside of that, I can't stop singing songs about Tennessee and the South-
Love and Hope- I am just so excited.
Here are some  verses I am chewing on
Although I normally lovvvee everyone else's opinon, I really want these verse to be raw to me & see what God is trying to connect so I have not been using any study guide or google and things like that.

Proverbs 24: 27
Finish your outdoor work
and get your fields ready;
after that, build your house.

Proverbs 24:6
for waging war you need guidance,
and for victory many advisers.

Exodus 33:14- 16
The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." 15 Then Moses said to him, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 Howill anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?"

It all makes me wonder,
 **When push comes to shove, is my trust truley in God?**

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Frozen Beauty

Today I had a first.
I saw a snowflake...well more so I noticed a snowflake.
I see snow all the time. Like all the time... and it annoys me. 

But this morning Ryan & I were outside and it was super cold, I had a blue sweater on and the white snowflakes were starting to take it over. Ryan pointed to a flake and told me to check it out.

::I was stunned::

The real snowflakes look just like the ones people cut out!! I realize everyone else in the world might already know this but let's just say I am not the kind of person who "stops and smells the roses". I wanted to post a picture with the post and show you how beautiful they really are... but just like most things in life a picture can't do it justice. Seriously, so beautiful.

I realize this post was not so in depth and it really might not mean anything to my readers but sharing such a beautiful first with Ryan meant more to me than anyone will be able to see. Also seeing that God is a detailed, so beautiful, so thoughtful and intricate. Just wow. Thank you Father, thank you.

Dead of Winter

so many tears are shed tonight.
this place is so cold.
and you're not here.

one went off to the chase the sun.
another to conquer lands.
and i am here wondering... where did the time go?

id walk around if i thought it would help.
but there are so many tears.
and its so cold
and you're not here... no,
you're not here.

i try to relive the days where routine seemed so lively.
where full days filled my life
and you were here... to share it all with me.

i would try to find you if it wasn't so cold.
if only it wasn't so cold...

my calls echo in this dim room
and there is no one to hear me sob.
i stop again and think where does the time go?

oh man, where does the time go?