Wednesday, November 26, 2008
this orignial post however,
I am going to try and recreate it:::
I am so ready. I am so ready to do God's work.
These past few weeks I feel as if I could burst.
I just have so much that I want to give back,
and I feel so ready--- but I am not
I still have so much learn. I still have so much to face.
I wish this was a season of leadership but it's not.
It's a season of faith. It's a season of testing.
Something has changed in me drastically these past two weeks.
I have changed some outrageous opinons and life outlooks.
I want babies. I have never wanted babies before. Not never.
I normally could not stand a cat and now I crumble looking into thier eyes.
Could it be God is showing me more of His heart?
Could it be this is what I was meant to be molded into?
Who knows? But it is a wonderful season to be in.
New outlooks, new hobbies, and new loves.
I don't think I will ever forget how the moonlight
shined on her face that night.
There was four of us, singing our hearts out to the Lord.
Barely on key, barely in tune- but so pure and so submitted.
The curtain laid a perfect shade of blue on the floor
and when she swayed in that light in the dorm room
my heart melted, my life changed, and for a passing moment,
everything was as it should be.
I am not saying at all that I have any of the answers to life,
or that I have become a completely different person in two weeks-
but boy I sure do feel directed. I feel needed. I feel submitted.
I feel good, and it all feels so right.
I have been thinking a lot about where God's plan will lead me.
Africa to heal? Elmira for ol' time sakes?
Brockport to stay? Nashville to save?
Where did these aspirations come from?
How could I have ignored them for so long?
This is the first time in my Christian walk I feel as if I am only leading one life.
I wrote last month about giving up on my two lives.
And for those who have lived this, it's hard.
It is so easy to slip into old habits- but not this time.
God's love is too real to me, the pain of the world is too much for me-
to just sit back and enjoy life.
So this is how I have been feeling lately...
& I can only hope Blogspot keeps this one :)
Monday, November 17, 2008
I am beginning to look at Jesus in a different light. I love this part of Christianity, you can never be bored, God is always wanting to show you more. Yes, you can dry up and lose interest and look at God's Word as literature, but that's not what I am talking about. Forget religion for a moment and look at what I found in my relationship with Jesus-----
Jesus was man. Broad I know, Obvious I know, but seriously- man, human, flesh. I recently received Prophetic Presbytery and I was told that I would heal. I would heal not only on a natural level but supernatural. This is a deep desire of mine. I want to show that God is a God of signs and healing. That is when my thoughts led me to Jesus being man. Jesus had hands. Jesus had five fingers. Jesus had fingernails. Jesus had splinters. Jesus had blisters. Jesus had palms. Jesus had fingerprints. And through those palms, fingerprints, blisters and all- Jesus healed. He healed and people believed.
14 Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death. 15 Only in this way could he set free all who have lived their lives as slaves to the fear of dying.
16 We also know that the Son did not come to help angels; he came to help the descendants of Abraham. 17 Therefore, it was necessary for him to be made in every respect like us, his brothers and sisters, so that he could be our merciful and faithful High Priest before God. Then he could offer a sacrifice that would take away the sins of the people. 18 Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.
He was made flesh and through him the veil was broken, the covenant was born and I was saved. Now, I want nothing more than to heal. Heal this broken world. Heal physical and spiritual wounds. Break sinful vows made by the Devil's whispers. I have repetitively heard- "Kerri, you can't save the world ya know?" and they're right, I can't. But Jesus can. And I am in the favor of the Lord and He will answer my prayers of healing. And I believe with all that I have in me that God will heal through me. Not because I have the power, not because I have the talent, not because I am able, not because I am perfect- but because I will make myself available and I refuse to believe that he won't.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The moment I laid eyes on him last summer I saw forever.
But, I never believed in him.
He saw right through my fears and brought out more
Godly desires in my life than anyone has yet.
He always encouraged me and always offered Love.
Our relationship was never perfect, never meant to be.
I see that now- But, I should have supported him.
he had a dream, he had a vision-
He had Green eyes & Aspirations.
I can tell you the moment I lost him,
the moment his heart shut me out.
I remember verbally taking his dreams and
crushing them in my hands....
I'm not taking blame for how things turned out,
and I don't believe he should either.
Break-ups just happen.
And there is an off topic lesson to learn also-
There are two parts to a breakup:
- the actual event or happening of calling it quits
- the realization that your ex will move on
There was a point where I tried to turn it around
I did believe in him, I made an honest attempt
and put forth my best efforts to show my change.
But his Green eyes had lost those Aspirations
This could of honestly, been one of the saddest days of my life.
For those who have hurt the ones they love
will understand this....
I tried my hardest to get that energy, that zest back into his life-
but it was gone.
I wasn't the only one to blame, but I hate that it happened.
Its been a while since I saw those Green eyes
or heard about those Aspirations
So I guess this is my apology to him.
And for everyone else, learn from this.
You can't judge someone's gifts, abilities or calling.
Although you can't see it- God placed a fire in their heart
and you certainly do not want to be the one breaks those
Green eyes and Aspirations.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
If you don't know Jesus as your personal Savior, this is will seem crazy.
So as my followers know, we are reading Captivating at lifegroup.
Things in my life have really changed since we started this book.
At first I thought I was going to hate it, it was going to be another
sermon of "your beautiful because God said you are etc etc",
But its not! Not at all! I have been so moved, so changed,
so loved, since I began to respond to what this book was saying.
Yes, respond. you cannot just read a book like this is think
"mhmmm so good, I love Jesus". No no no.
It's "ohhh shit-- I should do something about that"
I can't really explain what changed but along with all that
time I have been taking to relax, I have given a lot more to God.
After class on Wednesday, He called me to my favorite place on campus.
It's between where my class was and on the way back to my dorm.
The trees were incredible. The lighting was perfect.
And I- was walking through music.
There just is no other way to explain it.
No ipod. No humming. No dance floor.
Just me and my Romancer.
Then again on Thursday, immediately after I found out I won
RA of the month :) He lured me in again.
This time a picnic table, almost so perfectly placed it scared me.
I swear to you- it was never there before.
And again, we danced. I turned off my phone, I kicked off my shoes
and I allowed God, my father, my teacher, my adviser, my Savior
become my Romancer.
I wondered today if he was going to be there again.
Almost as if I was waiting on a call for a second date.
So I went back. Again, I felt this overwhelming amount of love-
a fountain of- of- well music.... thick fog of
worthiness and perfection,
forgiveness and kindness,
gentleness and prosperity.
I had finally found it.
The reason we were made, the reason for the garden,
the reason for our creation. Love. A love much deeper than 1Corinthians,
a love much deeper than Hallmark and diamonds.
Deeper than our parents, deeper than our friends, deeper than our pastors.
It was Love from our creator.
A love He had been longing for me to feel for so long.
A love that I had foolishly overlooked and taken for granted.
This Love has changed my life and I refuse to stay quiet!!!
Let Him in. Seriously, if your haven't felt this- if you haven't heard a cricket symphony played just for you, if you haven't felt like you were born with or on purpose, if you haven't seen the daylight smile back at you, give in. Really, it's time to just give in.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I haven't forgotten what it is to be immature.
I've been known to have my good times, I just got so busy.
Being busy doesn't help anything.
If your doing too much you'll never be able to fully give yourself to anything.
Therefore, nothing can really be accomplished.
I made it a point this week to get back to the basics:
- I put down my phone and ignored it
- I deep conditioned my hair
- I skipped a class to hang out with my old roomie
- I hit up the coffee shop a more than a couple of times
- I caught up on One Tree Hill, my weekly soap
- I read three chapters in Captivating
- I called family members that I lost touch with
- I finished a pack of Hi-C & ate my Trix by color
- I layed in bed and enjoyed the silence, yup- the silence.
- I laughed my way through old photo albums
- I made some killer youtube play lists
- & most importantly I enjoyed the time to myself
It was exactly what I needed. I am so thankful that I am a hard worker,
but I am even more grateful that I know how to take care of myself.
I wish the same for everyone else, because it's one of the best feelings.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
"Living in true Beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit. We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow. it is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged. The waiting does not diminish us. As a pregnant woman is enlarged in her waiting, so are out hearts. God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more sustainable than our health. He is restoring and growing in us an external weight of glory. And sometimes.... it hurts." pg. 143
"Yes, life is harsh on a woman's heart. It has been hard on your heart. The assault on our beauty is real. But Jesus is urging us now to care for ourselves, watch over our hearts (Prov. 4:23). The world needs your beauty. That is why you are here. Your heart and your beauty are something treasured and nourished. And it takes time. Every gardener knows this. In our age of instant makeovers and microwave meals, we don't want to wait. But a newly planted rose's presentation in its first year is nothing compared to its second. If properly cared for, its second year's display doesn't hold a candle to it's third. Gardens need to become established; their roots need to go deep through summer rains and winter frosts. A garden's beauty does not diminish with age; rains and winter frosts; rather it takes years to become all that it can become." pg. 145
My first response to this chapter is: Oh boy.
Honestly, I have never truly been alone, there has always been "someone".
But it's time-God's calling. And for once, I'm running towards Him.
I'm not saying this is going to be easy.
Let me make this clear: FAITH IS NOT EASY.
I am following God's calling knowing He loves me
but it's a whole lot easier to have a worldly love.
Not better, not more satisfying, not more filling, not more romantic-
for those who are reading: please keep this in your prayers.