Great news! This is my 101st post. That makes me smile. I have made myself quite transparent within these last 16 months and I am very porud of that. God has brought me to a place where a double life is no longer the norm, and a hidden past feels necessary, and current sins feel shameful but are now used as teaching moment for us all. [[bearwithnme-ifyouareanew-oradifferent'believing'reader]] Before I noticed that I had missed the cheesy blogger celebration for my 100th post I was going to entitle this blog "This One is For Me".
Sometimes I write because I feel like I have made a mistake others could learn from.
Sometimes I write because well hey- I feel like I have something important to say.
Sometimes I write to update my friends on where my recent travels have taken me.
Sometimes I write to update my friends on where my love affair with my Lord and Savoir has taken me.
But this time I am writing for just me. This time I am writing to let the cries of my heart set free. This time I am writing to reconnect with the one I love.
Church is great here. I mean for someone who loves the freshness and boldness of God and his followers it is so great. The spirit is really moving here. It's rather large. Although by the size of it, you couldn't tell over 800 Nashvillians pack in for one service. It is an old elementary auditorium, so we are not talking big-ole-fancy-football-stadiums-big, but it's big. I feel so alive with their [[hourandahalf]] worship!! But the down times left me so... empty, so alone. This morning was the third time I attended this church since my arrival last Sunday and how appropriate I only know three people there. Even for an outgoing girl like me it is just hard to meet, and I mean really meet, someone in such a large body. But it is more than that... Of course, I want friends, people who I can connect with, shop with and waste time with... but even more so I believe I feel this craving because God wants me. I believe before he can answers the prayers of my heart, I must first remember what it is to marvel in His presence. What a blessing it is to sit at His feet and learn the ways of the Kingdom and feel His glory shine upon my face. And I realize I may have lost some of you by now, some readers and passerby-ers but that's why I said, "This one is for me" but I encourage you to bear with me.
So many times we are reminded that the Lord is jealous for us, that without him there is no life. I heard one girl at my internship say through her tears, "It's like I was alive but I wasn't living- and THAT is why I need this ministry, I want to live life again, seeing how the multiple times I have tried to take it from myself, I have failed, I might as well live."
Wow... think about that for a second. Lord knows I was probably not suppose to share that, but really think about it- how often do we live without living? Well, I tell ya what, I sure want to live. Nothing in His Kingdom has ever proven to me that He is not worth fighting for. His mercy, His grace, His unconditional love, His tenderness, His creativity- and I do not just say these words because they sound Christian-like or fitting BUT BECAUSE I HAVE EXPERIENCED THEM. Oh. the goodness He has shown me, the favor He has put on my life. He has promised me that my cries will be heard, that my faith-filled prayers will kick open doors and save the hurting women of this world AND OH, HOW I BELIEVE HIM!!!
Tears fill my eyes and start to run down my cheeks as I write- this is not common for me. Although emotional by nature, my heart is just overflowing with His desire for me. Yes, desire. That is exactly what I feel. He desires to be with me. He desires to hear my voice. He desires to see my dreams come true. He desires me. And honestly, what woman does not long to feel desired for? Or- desire to be longed for. I am not the creator of this thought, but why do you think we all have such underlying emotions, such strong ties to hope, a common need to be loved?
I leave you with this, I cannot wait to delve back into this love relationship with the Lord. I am so thankful He brought me to this new appreciation of desire and hunger for Him. For it is through our sufferings we become aware of how beautiful the one, the dream, the Kingdom, the Father, the Spirit, the love, the comfort, we are chasing really is. I thank all of you who I know have kept me in your prayers [[orwishesandhopes-ifour'beliefs'-aredifferent]] I have come to a great place. A great job, a great city, a miraculous home, and back to a Father I can't wait to experience.
Please listen to this.
Above all else: Love