Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Church 3x a Week

To much of my surprise it turns out my way of living has become somewhat radical. Different and unusual- if you will. Especially in this last year I always seem to bring conversations back to God.
I stopped using words like 'luck' and 'can't' and started reading the Bible a lot more and sending scriptures instead of forwarded jokes via texts. So there are often times I, as I know you do also, wonder
... uuummm what happened to Kerri??
Why is she all God freak on us now? Why is it every time I call her she seems to be at church? I mean how often do they have church a week? ...In my desperation to understand, to explain and to reiterate, this one sided conversation took place tonight at Emanate, a Monday night worship service [[one of the three times a week I normally find myself at church]] Enjoy- I hope it brings light to your curiosity.

"God what am I doing here? Why do I seek You? Why do I desire Your presence? Why is it I have surrendered it all? How did I change so quickly from wanting to be a social worker in a school to a minister of Your word? ...Perhaps it came when I understood that there was a darkness. I mean who really cares if there is goodness and a hero if there is no battle, if there is no one to fight against? 

And he tried to fight.  I laugh at his tactics now, because even with the little, little I knew of Your love his disaster did not shake me. I admit it was not until I met him I realized I needed You... and if I needed You... what about all the other people? What if they didn't have that taste of Your love in their mouth when they met him? What if they believe his lies? What if they fall into poverty because of his greed? What if they fall into sorrow for following his joy. What if they never see the hope? What if they forever live a life of mundane hardship and despair? 

Well, I guess that is why I am here. that is why I am a 'christian' the other six days of the week. That is why I consume myself in Your word, That is why I chase after Your goodness. That is why I refuse to compromise anymore. If-for-nothing-else that You will conquer in their lives- because in this story the battle has already been won, they just don't know it yet."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

#7 is my Life Goal

Well folks He did it again.
He tore off another facade.
Another wrong thinking.
It is a season of *renewing the mind*
Filling myself with God's truth and allowing the enemy to tremble in fear of the woman I am.
I feel so emotional here.
Like a train wreck yet peaceful.
Completely uncomfortable yet purposed.
Unstable yet steady.
Manic yet wise.

Either way, this semester I learned a lot about what I want in life..
way more so then what I don't want. Which I think is great.
Most interns walk away saying 'No way man'
I'm running in going 'GIVE ME MORREEE"

So let's discuss some things Kerri does want in life. Yes, I say discuss because hopefully I can cultivate a conversation about all of this and not feel like my words enter cyberspace and bounce back only to me. ((which if that did happen is totally fine- still worth it)) So, shall we?

#1 Kerri wants to learn how to ballroom dance with whomever she may marry.- thought I would start the list off lightly
#2 Let it be known Kerri would like to marry her current boyfriend Ryan at some much later time.
#3 Kerri would like to save everyone, and yes I do believe this is possible as a matter of fact.
#4 Kerri would like to have every event in her life (i.e. upcoming grad party) to glorify God and honor him and allow Him to show up in whatever way He deems necessary.
#5 Kerri would like to learn how to spell necessary, the right way the first time.
#6 A membership at this fancy gym for the rest of her life would be grand.
#7Kerri would like to convince everyone she meets that they were created to be loved & romanced by God, not so she can be right, but so that they can experience the love they deserve.
#8 Kerri would like to not grow up and stay not only young in spirit but really, just young overall
#9 Kerri would never like to be separated from her friends all at once, ever again.
#10 Kerri would like to understand the social work world better and not be fooled so easily by other's fake-ness and coping mechanisms 
#11 Kerri would like to have her blog be a big deal someday, like after she becomes a famous speaker =)
#12 Kerri would like to be and plans to be a student of God's word as she realizes this is the way to access freedom and live life with wisdom
#13 Kerri would like to only make this list to 15 so people do not stop reading it
#14 Kerri would like to keep her room clean from now on. Shocking I know
#15 Kerri would like to bring as much of this joy/spirit/gladness/wisdom/goodness/revelation to New York as she can
#16 ((Okay I lied)) Kerri would like to walk in excellence and integrity, including purity in all facets of life. This is not an option but a holy duty as I know it is a great way to connect with God and allow heaven to touch earth for a bit.
#17 Last but not least, Kerri would like to have Chris McClarney at her birthday party (Some nine year old asked for this) Chris is the worship leader at Grace Center and you should REALLY check him out. Google Him. "Your love is everything" is like my anthem.

That is all the wisdom I have to impart for now.
Ha, if that was wisdom at all.
More so a word vomit for those who miss me & I miss also.

Keep it real, Above All Else: Love.

Monday, March 15, 2010

White Flag

I feel defeated. I am over being here.
I have been here for 8 weeks and I have 6.5 weeks more to go...
I can't really describe what it is I feel.
I miss everyone, yes.
I miss home, yes.
But that's not it.

I believe it has a lot more to do with I have stopped expecting.
I knew God was going to rock me when I first got here.
I knew God was really going to be amazing during the two conferences.
But now what?
I am on the end tail of my time here.
I still feel just as out of place at Mercy as I did 8 weeks ago.

"If you hold up a dixie cup that is all God can fill"
Perhaps I need a much bigger dixie cup...

I want to tell you all I am going to stand on my solid ground
and fight to be joyful in all of this... but today I ain't feeling it. 
However, I know in the long run it will be so much more fruitful if I hit the ground running now.

Expect great things.
Expect great things.
I am going to expect great things.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

More, Lord. Part III

Now onto Part III.
Please refer to at least Part I to bring context to this blog before delving in. Now, although teachings are quite important and we must allow people to speak into our lives, there is one counselor whom knows all and speaks only truth. And that is what we must tune into- more so than anything. This is what the Holy Spirit has been telling me. Here are bits and pieces of what has been relayed to me or my thoughts in response. What is not from me is italicized. There is much error to be had and some of it is for everyone and some of it so specific to me you might not even grasp it.
Hope you enjoy it.
  • Rest Kerri, just rest. I release my love to you when your eyes are on me. 
  • You will be who I want you to be and I will make you how I want to make you  (said very firmly)
  • If I took an oath and said it could be just you and I would I really mean it? Lord, I want to mean it.
  • I am right there Kerri, telling you when to turn, when to stop when to put it into reverse. I will never leave you nor forsake you. It is your turn to lead. It's coming Kerri and it's coming soon so just prepare your heart.
  • I set you apart on purpose, your ahead of the game because I need you. And we're in this together.
  • I will bless you for chasing after me with all your heart
  • You can search and search and dig and dig for truth and doctrine, to just find out that God is Love. And that is the purpose to life.
  • There is much life beyond the cross, Yes spend your time grieving there- but move on and conquer the city!
  • Yes, I said that but you are not the woman I need you to be yet. Do not lose heart.
  • You want to know my heart Kerri? It is for them. And them. Everyone. They are everywhere and they don't know me like you do. They don't have the pleasure of knowing my love for them. That's my heart Kerri. You said you wanted to know... there it is. Everywhere Kerri, they cover the world. Their lost and they are everywhere. Revival Lord, revival. Open their eyes, open their hearts, bring them back. I'm coming Kerri and there is a whole lot of people not coming with me. Care for them. attract their attention. I'm coming Kerri, and I really want them to go also. Wow, so that is what if feels like to have God put the world on your heart. Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. I do not revoke gifts. I will stay Kerri, press into me- it is kind of an unconditional thing we have.
  • Why yes Kerri since you asked, you have declared the word, i will give you the land- I'm glad you asked.
  • My Bride, my beautiful bride, wear my ring as a symbol of the promise of my return. Love no man the way you long for me. Burn with desire for me, lay down your life for me- but give no other man such privilege. For you are my bride- you are my lover. No one has rights to you but me. No one has access to you except through me. You ask who, who, who? I answer it is I, the one who brought you up from the ground and made us one. You have access to me always. It is your choice to fight for me or not. it is your choice to burn for me or for him. Your heart is made for desire but who is it longing for? Who, who, who I ask? ...Let it be me. Your creator, your romancer, your father, your lover, your comfort. Let your fire burn for me, and me alone. Give me room and watch what I can do. 
  • Awaken my people, for I am here- awaken them from slumber for I am ready to move.
Wow, I don't know about you all- but those last two bullet points really get me. Wow... He is ready. he ain't going to wait forever- give your heart to Him or not, your choice. Since I have been going at this 'blog' for almost three hours now I should probably call it quits but I still ask More, Lord. give them more. Whether they know it is from you or not. Whether their heart burns for you already or not, bless them and give them more- more of you, because the more of you we have and the less of us we become the more freedom and healing we can experience and healed people- heal people.

    More, Lord. Part II

    Hello Readers if you are just 'tuning in' I would ask you to read Part I prior to this. Now knowing what the content of the 'sermons/lessons' have been about here are some just wow- Thought provoking Quotes from the past six weeks. These will be the kind of one liners people would respond to with "Come On, Preach it, Amen, It's good etc".

    • It is not about how much Holy Spirit you have, but how much of you the Holy Spirit has
    • If you create something form manipulation, you will have to keep it by manipulation
    • We are just way to familiar with a God we barely know
    • Aren't you tired of seeing what man can do? Let's see what God can do.
    • The most profound thing of Christianity and preaching the gospel is keeping it simple
    • The church has no clue who or what God is
    • Do what your conscience tells you to do. Do what is going to make the world turn their heads
    • Don't be a spectator, stir up your heart and participate in the Kingdom of God
    • The moment you are who god wants you to be, it will happen.
    • The greater the suffering, the greater the anointing
    • Satan and God are asking you the exact same question, "Who are you?" And so a man thinks, so is he.
    • God wants to bless you, that is why He is asking you to give. So he can give you even more than you had to begin with. he can't pour out until you surrender.
    • Everything in God's kingdom is a paradox. Is he fully God or fully man? Both. Is he a lion or a lamb? Both. Is he living water or consuming fire? Both. Is he a man who raises the dead or a God who weeps? Both.
    • The most miserable people are not those who don't know the truth but those who refuse to lose their life. To live a double life is to live no real life.
    • Don't know what your called to do? Do what Jesus did that will take up some of your time!
    • Forget the health-care debate, let's start healing the sick!
    • Serving is great, but when you forget who you are serving you lose your strength. 
    • If one glance from us ravishes His heart, imagine what would happen when a generation's glance turns into a gaze? (Song of Solomon 4:9)
    • There is a lot of good things to give your heart to, but what if everyone gave their heart to the -one thing- (Psalm 27:4)

    More, Lord. Part I

    This may be longer than most posts. And it definitely ain't going to be like the any of the other posts, so I understand if I lose a few of you along the way. But those who can push through and allow this post to minister to you, in deep deep unspoken places. Let it. Don't be a spectator- join in on the intimacy of God. (I know, I know- I lost at least 3 readers with that simple phrase but you CAN have intimacy with God)

    So wayyy more so than any other time I have had readers contact me about writing more often. Maybe it is because they miss me, or maybe because they find me amusing, or perhaps because the hope I write about is something they want to experience. Not just read about- Not just believe in-  but experience. So with that I thought I would share some things I have been learning and experiencing. Do not take this as me knowing more or being in more favor (or less for those who have experienced more) but take it as all of us Children of God working together to understand and experience Him as He is too big and mysterious to comprehend completely. And since He is so big, I have decided to split the blog into three parts.

    First and foremost the Holy Spirit is just rocking this city. In the last month there has been over five conferences with all speakers who have been hosts of revivals in America & abroad- so since they have already ignited a revival- I think it is important to listen to what they have to say. Thus will begin the 'lessons' portion of this three-fold blog, which will later be continued with what He has been speaking to me & finally good one liners from preachers.

    With that I have been to two of these conferences: 'Catch the Fire' with John & Carol Arnott from the Tronoto Revival and 'One Thing' with IHOP (International House of Prayer) both of which places are having revival AS I WRITE THIS! Both of them gave the same two principals/teachings to hosting a revival, whether it be your own heart or your whole city/campus.
    1. Sit at the feet of Jesus and experience His intimacy. Press in to His love. One can look to Mary Magdalen as an example
    2. Give ample room for the Holy Spirit. The best way to honor Him is to allow Him to move as He wishes. If that means you only worship for the whole Sunday service - DO IT. If that means you worship without any voices or music- DO IT. If that means you you meet for nightly meetings for 15 years (Toronto) then do it.

    That's it. How's that for Religion? We only have to honor two 'rules' and Jesus will take care of the rest. In your hearts you start questioning, "Yeah Kerri - that sounds nice but what about this addiction I am battling, what about my headaches that won't go away, what about the sexual abuse, what about waking up day after day feeling hopeless? How can I experience God and keep those out of my life once and for all? I am just so sick of battling this..."My answer, stop battling. Not even just the battle but the war has already been won. Step into God's love.

    This illustration may help explain that better. Imagine you are in a small room and behind the door there is your monster, whether that be depression, sexual immorality, drunkenness, homosexuality, abuse, lies, abandonment etc.. (yeah, I went there) and you are trying with all your might to keep the monster out! You know life is better without it but you can't seem to get rid of it. you lean against the doors for hours-days-week-years at a time giving all your strength to keeping that door closed. Struggling, battling, and growing weary. And then... you turn around after feeling so defeated that you can't keep this monster out and you notice another door. This door keeps opening... forever somehow (?) it has no wall to stop it, no hinge keeping it from re swinging open. So you reach for the door... and immediately the love of God, the grace of God, the beauty of God, the beauty of life, abundant life fills the room. And you become so fascinated with these emotions, these wonders you didn't even notice that the room became so full with God that the monster's door is closed shut. It has no room to open. To keep it that way however you must reach for the right door. And you must reach out constantly- otherwise bits  will slip out without noticing and the door will be given room to creek open again. You must make the choice to focus on God and His grace daily.
            -I must give credit for this illustration to a very cute Australian guy who shared with the Mercy girls last week, Thanks Grant!

    No matter what you are looking for, you must prepare your heart, give him room or He won't be able to do anything for you. Even those who don't think there is a God get healed because they allow room for hope and faith, even if they don't know where it is coming from. Prepare your heart in his word. For there is no truer. pure thing than the already spoken word of God.

    The seven ways to know if you have truly forgiven someone- *highpriority*
    1. You don't tell any unnecessary people what they did. (to get pity, to get others to not lie them etc.)
    2. You don't let them be afraid of you (hold it over their heads)
    3. You do not allow then to feel guilty, at all.
    4. You let them say face.
    5. You protect them from their darkest secret
    (unless they could be harm to another person then again follow #1)
    6. Know that it is a life sentence- you must forgive them for as long as you live.
    7. You bless them.
    Out of this comes these drops of wisdom: It takes a lot of grace to forgive someone who doesn't either know they did wrong or refuses to apologize, but you still must forgive them (Check out what Jesus says on the cross for help with this); Harboring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies; Without releasing others, God cannot release us; And lastly, I really don't like #5. Let these 7 steps mess you up a bit.

    This last lesson really blew my mind. Really made me think about generational curses and how god use everything for His glory and our good and He will accomplish everything He needs to with or without us.
    Terah was Abram's Father. Abram will later become Abraham (for those who don't know the story). God called Terah to go to Canaan. However he decided that he liked Haran and settled there. He became comfortable and forgot about the promise land and his calling to it. After almost 100 years of living in outside of God's will (at least for where he was suppose to live), Terah died. Immedaitly God tells Abram to go to Canaan and become the Father of the Nations. Abram then named Abraham for his obedience went and conquered. We know the story from there but, Yay for carrying out callings! Yay for breaking generational patterns!

    So I feel like I should tell you to flip the tape over to keep tuned in. Ha, now for Part II

    Thursday, March 4, 2010

    So... Now What?

    [[copingmechanisms]] "any effort directed to stress management, including task-oriented and ego defense mechanisms, the factors that enable an individual to regain emotional equilibrium after a stressful experience. It may be an unconscious process."

    Good ol' Webster never seizes to provide.
    So... now what? Why did I begin with that definition?

    Well for starters, I am a social worker.
    The very essence of my career is to provide for those who can't provide for themselves whether that entails physically, financially, emotionally, or spiritual. [[yes, bport students I am not afraid to include spirituality whether or not Barb&Ken despise it haha]] When in a situation of lacking (in any area)  lot of those people turn to their coping mechanism to basically get by... to survive, to somehow deal with the unfortunate circumstances and daily heartbreak of being human.

    Yeah, yeah I know you all already know this- so let me get to the point.
    *Clear throat
    I am hear to publicly announce my coping mechanism no longer works.
    God has unraveled exactly what it was I put my hope, strength and affirmation in.
    It has been quite a journey with it.
    It did not just begin and neither it is about to end.
    I am in the in between of who I was and who I aspire to be.

    I strive to be great. I can't say I am a perfectionist because I know I am flawed and have always enjoyed that about myself. I am not competitive because I don't mind if other people are getting glory.. as long as I will eventually also. I just want to be great, I want to get praise. 

    And the reason figuring out this was a coping mechanism was so hard because none of what I was doing was "morally" wrong and neither was I bad at it. I am a good overachiever. I achieve things and to the world [[it's good, I'm good- we're all good]] It's not like I dealt with my 'issues' by snorting coke or selling my body etc etc. No, maybe not but I was still just as crying out for help as much as they were.

    ... But that is not how God intended it to be. Am I meant to be great? Yes, but for His glory not mine. Am I meant to achieve? Yes, but not for my benefit but for others. Am I meant to do great things? Yes, but on His strength, not mine. Am I meant to get praise. No, no I'm not. I am here to serve not be served.

    So now what? I know what my problem is and I know I cannot lean into that comfort zone anymore. I must allow myself to breath, to know that I can still be loved, accepted, and liked by people *without* performing, without over extending myself, and without achievements.

    I hate to use the the cliche term- they will like me for me... but they should and I know a lot of you already do. Now to apply this to every facet of my life. School, work, family... *sigh.Now to just cope with the fact my coping mechanism is gone.. huh, that is going to be interesting. Yet at the same time I am excited to be -me- I am excited to see how much better things can be without wearing myself out. I am excited to see what God can do with this surrendered.

    I am just... excited.