Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I Moved On

Above All Else: Love is now posting as My Only Aim on WordPress. The link is: http://myonlyaim.wordpress.com/

This blog means the world to me still, I read it to satisfy the anxiety of my soul- when I begin to lose hope- when I feel out of sorts, I read the cries I once cried. I read the hope that Jesus gave me when I first began, when I started out and didn't wonder where the road was going to take me. I HAD FAITH. Now I'm a skeleton of who I use to be, the worst of my character has presented itself. I am what I never thought I could be again: lost.

But I hold out for the rescue. Jesus Saves. I mean its in my job's mission statement. I looked up from my desk and realized I have surrounded my whole life around ONE thing. Jesus is real and He is everything. 

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me
my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus 
has given me the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." 
So I moved on... and now My Only Aim is it. Find me there, if you so wish.

Sunday, September 2, 2012


Today a man I don't know looked me right in the eyes and said, "you'll know when he is the one". I welled up with tears, of course that's what every girl wants to hear but... I needed to hear it. I am thankful he was willing to speak what God told him.

September this year, although full of apple cider and knit scarfs I am sure, will be yet again a September I will feel my heart break. It will be a time when the only one around who understands my heart is the God who created it. I know, I already know There will be days where I will run and hide from the world. Just to breathe. And to cry. To release all that it is I feel.

I am aching for routine. I need the distraction. I need the forward motion. I want God in every aspect of my life. I don't want to hide anymore. I want Him to save me. September will bring healing, I am sure of it.

Every fall brings me into a new time of being more of the woman God calls me to. I has a bad habit of living how I want to in the summer and crawling back to Jesus in the fall. He accepts me, of course, but is my worship genuine when I don't obey?

"If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands." John 14: 15

"Whoever says, I know Him [I perceive, recognize, understand, and am acquainted with Him] but fails to keep and obey His commandments (teachings) is a liar, and the Truth [of the Gospel] is not in him."
1 John 2: 4

Alas I hold true to what my heart is sure of "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

September. Repentance. A turning back to the Lord. A renewing. That's what my hope is. I'm not worried about who my husband is, I just want to stand firm in knowing who he isn't.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Hold my Heart

I've built my entire life on this one idea; God is our only hope.
Almost everyday I believe this with everything I have.
And then there are the days, I'd rather seek comfort in what is physically in front of me.
Last night I was lost, thoughts swirling in every direction.
I just wanted to sleep, but settle my mind or my heart was beyond possible.
I tossed, I turned, I cried, I prayed, I reminisced and I daydreamed.
The one common theme, everything is banking on the fact that God is our creator, Savoir, and lover. Otherwise my life is foolish. Nothing of substance.
And then it happened. He answered my biggest prayer.
He heard me and He answered right then and there.
My heart is thankful.
Today I choose to be thankful that at least for right now this prayer is fulfilled.
Relationships are difficult and can change by the second.
Human interaction is so delicate, and we are anything but cautious.
We just do. We do what "feels" right, we do what "hurts" less.
We go, we do, and we don't stop, think, feel and respond.
Responding would indicate that there was a moment of reflection before action, and who has time for that?

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart."
-Tenth Avenue North 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Driving through My Thoughts

If a tree falls in a forrest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make noise? If a man loves a woman but tells no one that he does, does he still love her?

Months ago I posted a compelling question if failure was not an option what you do? I found it so intriguing. I wanted to know what worry had been holding us back from. What dreams have been chocked by fear and insecurities. Driving around the US today with a dear friend I wonder, what would I do if money wasn't a variable. Surely life would be different. Perhaps more free, perhaps more uptight? I more so than ever believe I have separated myself from the idea of things, 'necessities', happiness based on others and admiration.

But alas, I was hit today with a bad financial hit. Unexpected and somewhat personal. Sigh. Nothing hits like a financial burden. So says the girl who has never lost a loved one. And so says the girl who lives like an American, enough said.

This morning I was in Nebraska, tomorrow I will be in my hometown in upstate New York. We covered a lot of ground and my mind covered a lot of territory. I've been thinking about how nothing completes me but God, honestly nothing. I've been thinking about the hope needed in Rochester. I've been thinking about how many more weddings I may be in as my friends find life partners. I was thinking about friendship and what really characterizes it? Keeping in contact, understanding the other, or entertainment. I was thinking about the career I chose and what sacrifices that really takes.

I have not answered a phone call all week. I'm not sure why. No particular reason. I didn't think I needed such a strict break from the daily. Maybe I'm finally sorting out all these thoughts in my mind that constantly drive around, maybe these thoughts need a new driver. And not such an idle leader.

How is it money can change so much. I believe love, grace, and justice are what changes the world for the perfection it was created for. And I just see these ideals (characteristics of Gods) being so tainted by monetary exchange .. And the lack therefore of.

As for the tree, yes it sounds, how arrogant of us to think that nature does not exist except when we, imperfect humans, notice it. In that case our whole earth would be striped of beauty. As for the heart of man... Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Monday, August 6, 2012

Acts 20:24 Continued

On June 1st I wrote about what I now believe to be my heart cry, my 'life' verse perhaps. After rereading the post I completely agree with what I wrote, but I wonder why I wrote about just that when I now feel so much more about that scripture. The first day that scripture really hit my heart I wrote out what you see here. It is kind of my personal interpretation of the scripture, really 'sending home' what that scriptures means for me and my life.

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me
my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus 
has given me the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."

For the first time in a long time I feel conviction again. For my many readers who don't know the Lord in this way, what I am experiencing is a slap in the face 'oh righhhtttt, that's not of God, why I am still doing it' moment. Conviction does not lead to guilt or self-loathing, rather it leads to behavioral change and freedom in knowing I am not a slave to my sin. ((slowly read the next scripture))

Romans 7: 14- 20  "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

So this struggle is no new thing, it is not just me, it has always been and will be until Jesus returns for His promised Bride. But my ONLY AIM is to Love the Lord and testify of His grace. So why then, why am I living as if I don't need Him? Why am I not spending more than 20 minutes in His word? Why am I not worshiping while I listen to the radio, instead of just ..listening.. to the music. Why, I guess is the wrong question, the question is how can I consistently come to a place where I can come back on track for when I begin "doing what I don't want to do", what will remind me I do have an aim in life that calls me to surrender a lot more than some Sunday mornings. 

I WANT to see salvation, I WANT to see freedom rule in the people I love lives, I WANT some girl entering Brockport as a freshman meet the Lord like I did. I WANT to take these girls to Kingdom bound and have them EXPERIENCE the Lord, like I did in Middle School. I WANT to have peace rule my family and not pain. I WANT to have a Godly relationship with a guy that honors me as a promised daughter of God. 

Conviction, a reminder that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, but sin can distance what I feel of his presence. Why would I allow anything to do that... anything.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Faith; It's what I got.

This last week has been one of my best weeks I can remember for my heart. Big worries have just fallen into place, money literally fell out of the sky, and I felt so loved.

I can tell you what I don't have. I don't have goals. I don't have self control. I don't have money to spend Iike I do. I don't have my priorities straight. I don't have many scriptures memorized. I don't know who said what about what and how God saved everyone. I don't have the knowledge of why God chose for life to be this way or why there is an enemy who literally fights for our attention and eternal place. I don't.

But what I have is faith. I just do. I walked into the worship room tonight and God was here, He is here. He held my hand and asked how I enjoyed my week. I felt my soul lift, I felt the worries fade, I felt the faith I have so long proclaimed. I have the peace He promises, I have the path He has laid before me and I have entire city full of youth searching for the love of God. What I have is Him and the chance to show them He is real, He is the King.

And I don't say that lightly. He is the King, what He says goes. That's where my faith lies. I don't have the facts... Simply because my heart speaks for me. I love Him and I don't have to know why things are why they are, I just must follow my King, my love.

Faith; It's what I got.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I feel like the one losing

When there is no joy to your holiday, fireworks just sound like gunshots. 
Emo as it is, that's how I feel.
Another holiday wasted.

This constant chaos of life, how come it never stops?
Why do we struggle to love, yet so easily hate?

Most days I am fine, more than fine, I am absolutely wonderful.
But then, there are nights like these where my skin itches with irritation, I'm bitter to the core and I don't know any better way to release the frustration than to bang on these keys. Yes, I spent time with God, and yes, I cried it out.... but I'm still upset, I'm still... I'm just at a loss. 

The sky illuminates with colors and the boom fills my house, but my hearts so empty, my head so heavy. I have no desire to enjoy it. I cry out to the God I love and He does comfort me, He does. But I still don't get it, I still hurt. 

Most days I am able to give 110% of myself away and I love that, absolutely thrive on it, but I stopped giving to the ones so close to me. It's easier to give to strangers who don't know your wounds, who don't know how to crush you with their words, they don't know your weaknesses. They just know you help, they know you care. So I give and it completes me.

It's those who know, who drain me. The ones who arrogantly take my faithfulness and run it through the grind. Its the ones who take everything I say and twist it to work for their point. It's them who hurt me... 

I hear God whisper, "forgive, for I have forgiven you. Let go for I have enabled you to. Bless for I have blessed you. Honor, for it is a commandment"  

"They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing, oh no
Why do we think that hate's gonna change the heart
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
Pride won't let us lay weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed an apology and then it'll stop
Truth be told it doesn't matter if we're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

'Oh Father won't You forgive them"
-Tenth Avenue North