Wednesday, February 29, 2012

--Watch out World!--

"And Hansel said to Gretal: Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and --remember the person you were meant to be-- The person you wanted to be. The person you are.” (One Tree Hill)

.being who you are.
.feeling what you feel. 
.loving you for you.
.doing what makes your soul happy.
.being vulnerable.
.opening up.
.showing your true colors.
.tasking risks.
.and falling in love.

There is so much in those simple sentences. How can it be those are some of the hardest things to be. --now lets not forget I am talking about first world problems, things after we have achieved success and comfortableness that sneak their way up-- I use to be so me. I use to be so free. Loving. Passionate. And I found a true connection once I started working, I stopped being.

I wrote about this another time but now its not just about ministry. Its about the coffeeshop. Tonight is the first time I have sat at a coffeeshop in such a long time and just been me. Simple I know, but it means so much to me. 

I have been so shutoff this past year. You may not have noticed- but my heart did. And it is nothing to be mad about, it worked for awhile, I think I needed it. But now, now I need to stop working at ministry and be with God. I need to stop just working at a coffeeshop and sit at one. I need to open up, take risks, and fall in love---with me that is! These things sound cliche, but they are not. I truly mean them. 

Chai has never tasted so good before tonight, and ice skating Friday never felt so free, and I never felt so at home doing dishes. I have chosen to let go, I have chosen to take that little step of faith, I am breathing slowly and striking up random conversations again. I am ready to accepted, I am ready to rejected, I am ready to fall and I ready to pick myself up. Its almost like I want to scream it out "Watch out world here I come again!"

And let me tell you this, if you don't understand this blog--- you have probably stopped asking me how I really am this year and I don't blame you. Life gets the best of us doesn't it? One day you can be best friends, and the next you didn't know they have been struggling with losing a relative. Or literally a week can pass without a thought of calling your family. 

What a world we live in that constantly takes our hearts away from what truly matters. And that my friends goes way beyond loving yourself, but we will that for another blog night. Because believe me I plan to sipping on some more chai's very soon.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

21 facts you'll -NevEr- need to know.

I am copying this idea from a fellow blogger. I remember doing it back in my RA days on 3am desk nights but here is another one: 

21 facts you’ll -NevEr- need to know about me

1.      I spelled the word ‘said’ like this ‘siad’ until my sophomore year of high-school.
2.      I love anything wicker. Baskets, chairs, dressers. Yet in houses they never seem to match
3.      I have rebought the same pair of shoes since freshman year of high-school. Each two years I get a new pair of same ol 'kicks'.
4.      I can never find red velvet cake like my great grandma’s anymore. It tasted so rich yet so fake so I actually hate all red velvet now
5.      Every couple of months I will go through all my facebook pictures just to remember how much fun I have had over the years
6.      The fourth grade was the first time feeling embarrassed
7.      I want a really small house so love fills it instead of stuff
8.      Hosting parties is always more exciting than going to parties. Always.
9.      I still dream about living in Nashville, basically living at a coffeeshop burying myself in books about God’s grace and having a matching scarf for every outfit
10.  I have never once remembered a relatives birthday outside of my immediate family
11.  I don’t find butterflies pretty
12.  I own six boxes of greeting cards and send maybe one card a month
13.  I actually got three anonymous shout outs in my college newspaper for doing random acts of kindness
14.  The only place in the house I ever notice is dirty and clean about every other day is the bathroom sink
15. I make 8 swipes on each eye, for mascara every morning.
16.  Techno makes me work efficiently.
17.  I have never broken, sprained or stitched anything
18.  I can’t give blood because I had Mono when I was 16
19.  I lost a friendship bracelet in a hotel swimming pool and actual found it the next day
20.  I wish I could go hiking for a weekend trip, but I am too scared to show that I am actually out of shape
21.  Good morning texts mean more to me than birthday presents

Much Love. 
Above all else: Love

Friday, February 17, 2012

Isaac, I am Sorry

I didn't wait for you. 
But God said he'd still bless you.(Genesis 17:19)
I am sorry I failed you.
But Jesus died for me when I was yet a sinner. (John 3:16)
I don't really know if I believe in you. 
But God says He'll never give up on me, or us. (1 Corinthians 13:7)
I somehow still believe that I am not good enough.
But God spoke sweet words over me. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I am not sure where to go from here.
But God says He has a plan. (Jeremiah 29:11) 
I am unsure if I am allowed to still meet you.
But God says He will never stop doing good to me. (Jeremiah 32:40)
I am not sure if I am worthy of love.
But God wrote that I will never stopped being loved. (John 17:23)
I sit here at worship, scared that God will not show me his face
But God reminds me I will find Him if I seek Him with all my heart. (Deut. 4:29)
I no longer dare to dream because I await my Ishmael.
But God said I can have you* if I delight in Him (Psalm 37:4)
I don't really know how to ask for forgiveness.
But God says He will cleanse me if I just ask Him to. (1 John 1:9)

Isaac... God... heart... love... her*, I am sorry. 
Forgive me.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Love: Consider This my Valentines' Post

Our culture is obsessed with love. So much so we create it when it doesn't exist. We cling to what we think it really is and ignore what it really was created as. As I write this post I have not decided if I am going to write about how phenomenal God's love is or how I am actually admitting for the first time, via blog, I have been in love for the past year with a boy I was to ashamed to even mention in conversations. love has so many definitions. I can find so many quotes about what others think it is, or have experienced, or possibly God has inspired for them, but for me... love, love this time means letting go. Letting go of what I have CLUNG to. These lies... and no they  actually were not about the boy. They were about what I falsely believed. For a girl who knows herself, believes in herself, [normally] loves herself, [she also] knows God, believes in God, and [typically] loves God, I have *believed* in a lot of lies.

Now if you don't believe that God is our true God, Jesus can set you free, and/or there is an enemy of your soul-- then you're gonna think the following list is a little pathetic. But those who know, and know that your behavior truly shines your beliefs let this list sink in and know I have been SET FREE. Praise God, Hallelujah, and all that good jazz <3

Before now I didn't actually *believe* I could find love. Not just like a person to fall in love with, but actual love- something I could tangibly wrap my arms around, be proud of, and *believe* it wouldn't leave. Before now I am not sure if I even thought love existed. Like the worldly love this time. I somehow always believed God's love existed, He kind of engrained that in me, thank goodness. But now, I know it's possible. It is possible to feel for someone else so much that your own desires don't matter... but in a healthy way. Love like you can sit in your sweats, tell someone your complete weaknesses as you pick at the flaws on your body and still laugh as if pain does not exist in the world--and maybe even face the pain of the world, together (sigh of relief). [[it is possible]]. Before now I did not *believe*, get this, that Christian guy would ever like me. This gets people every time... I don't know else to say it except a deep seed of unworthiness. On the outside you could never tell but the behaviors proved it. Before now I could never admit that I loved him, it's not a lie. I can truly say that I have felt love and gave into love's pulls, and hurt like only love can make you. I have loved all the wrong things about us yet I have loved to see him learn to love himself more. love is love and I cannot deny it, but also before now I believed in another lie, that somehow our story would weave its way back into each others'. Uggh, I sound so crazy -- but ladies I know I am not alone-- you know that feeling that underlying "maybe-this-will-work-out-after-all-LOOK_he-just-texted-me-what-I-should-say..." feeling. And now, I don't *believe* it. I feel so free. It's not about not talking to him for a certain period of time, or trying to resist the temptations, and unfortunately I am not sure it is that I am full enough of God's love this time either so I don't desire it, but it is that His love set me free.

And you know how I know that its real  this time? I want him to be completely happy, knowing that that does not involve me. I want him to fall in love with not only himself, God, but a woman better suited for him. A woman who believes in love enough for both of them. As for me, I am free, deep sigh, just in time for Valentines' Day! Just as I felt last year. Isn't God so faithful?  

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

"but have not love, I am nothing"

A lot has happened in the past week.
Nothing tragic, nothing magical... just a lot.
My heart is struggling with so many questions that I thought I had long since answered.
One main thing is I offcially feel inadequate in all areas of life.
If one day I am doing great at my job, I am suffering socially.
If I am being a great friend, I am being a negligent daughter.
Its. just. never. good. enough.
It has nothing to do with anyone but -me-
this [[[b.o.x]]] I put myself in.,
These u.n.a.t.t.a.i.n.a.b.l.e expectations I put on myself... I am past the point of caring where they came from and just want them gone. 

For example, last weekend. I kind of doubled booked. There was a church event I knew I could.not.miss. but I also had plans with a friend who I have not seen in awhile. Once at church, God had some work he wanted to do ya know... and I ended up standing her up. It's like.. I can't win. And I am not looking for pity. I am looking for God's grace honestly. His direction. me where to honestly put my energy, I am not doing so hot at this.

It''s like last year I have learned how to be a lot of things: Social Worker, Leader, Woman of Faith, On my own... but somehow though I lost track of two things: How to be a genuine friend and how to love myself. "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." ((1 Corinthians 13:2)) And I promise you those were two things that I never had to work for. Having, making, keeping and appreciating friends was an expertise of mine. And loving, caring and appreciating myself was my top quality... or so I thought.

This change in me deserves some good processing and prayer. I am not as concerned with how or why I stopped loving my neighbor rightfully. But it is kind of ironic because I was "Loving [my] neighbor as [my]self" ((Mark 12:31)) I just unfortunately stopped loving myself.

-->wow<-- try writing that sentence out. Stopped. Loving. Myself. In the midst of all my success, in the midst of my accomplishments, blessings, dreams come true- I stopped loving myself. "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" ((Mark 8:36). I am reading "Strengthening the Soul of your Leadership" ((Ruth Haley Barton)) and it covers this very topic and I did seek out -->fabulous<--  Christian Counseling, so I am definitely on the up and up. But, I guess I had to admit where I was- to myself mainly- before I could get to where I am going. 
“Few are those who see with their own eyes and
feel with their own hearts." -Albert Einstein