Thursday, August 11, 2011

Settling In

"Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are. George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it". Clearly, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice." - One Tree Hill cast 

The last five years I feel as if I have lived out of boxes. I was at school, I was back home, I was in a foreign country, I was out of state- I was always :::somewhere, doing something::: and always with my boxes.

I spoke to a girl earlier today who was in and out of foster care her whole life. Continually split from her brothers and sisters for years then brought back together. I imagine she feels as if her whole life is in boxes...

But I sit here tonight I am not somewhere, doing something, I am just here... and I have no boxes left. I finally decorated my room and well, this is it. This is home now. I feel safe here, relaxed and quite privileged. It is a really nice place and when I spend most of my days working with young women like the one I mentioned above, this is a very nice home.

Even with the familiar boxes in hand, I can admit I lost myself this past school year. Granted I moved three times, earned a Master's degree and started managing a non-profit- so I can use that as an excuse; Regardless I lost that sense of independence I had gained and that beautiful sparkle in my eye that let me know I had a purpose beyond just getting recognition in this life. I let my heart wander and I gained my heart's desire in two ways: One was of the Lord the other was not and George Bernard Shaw was right... oddly enough both feel like tragedies sometimes.

But, I have no boxes left... no excuses; It's time. It is time to be who I always said I was going to be. It is time to take this Urban Ministry seriously and do what I can to carry on God's message of Love. It's time to remember what I got into this crazy profession for. Contrary to popular belief, I never became a Social Worker because I thought I could save the world; I just simply did not want to ignore the pain of the world, like others can so easily do. It's time to move beyond the boxes and settle into life.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Feeling Loneliness

I don't think it is being a hypocrite when you give someone good advice yet don't follow it yourself. We all do it. We know better... we just don't.  

wis·dom//wizdəm// : Knowing the best thing to do and actually doing it. 

I  remember telling him how healthy it is to feel loneliness and to not fill it. To sit there and allow your heart to ache and just breath. I know to everyone that might not make sense-- but we get so busy trying to make our lives 'okay' that we forget it is perfectly normal to not be okay. In fact that is possibly the only true 'normalcy'; sometimes things are good and sometime they are not. Just the same as the only constant in life is change. 

I don't agree with staying in this place for an extended period of time but sometimes we have to let our heart get there. Turn off 'Desperate Housewives' and allow the tears to come. Allow our souls to cry out. Feel it; Live it.

 Life   //lif// : The act of existing and The routined yet spontaneous day to day activity

 I wonder what point I am trying to get across tonight... I guess to just be honest: the weirdest things make me lonely. I have attended five weddings this summer. None of which have made me yearn for a significant other or romance. Oddly enough they all made me crave Christian fellowship-- a group of guys & gals encouraging one another in faith and righteousness. I thought nothing of whom my groom will be, but more so if my bridesmaids would be the same as these girls; Those who had been praying over the bride and encouraging her to guard her heart throughout the relationship. But it is those times where I get out of work and realize I have the night to myself and the summer air is picture perfect-- then I kick myself for not having someone special to share it with-- almost wishing I would have continued to compromise in any of my -not-meant-to-be relationships.

 I miss laughing the most. I understand that I laugh about twice as much as everyone else I know-- but there are different laughs. And I can't pinpoint any one person in my day to day life right now who can get me to laugh... like really laugh.

 Now that the business of summer and vacationing is over I need to start reaching out to more friends again. Friends who are chasing after righteousness, friends who refuse to let compromises come between them and the Lord, friends who won't let me settle for loneliness when I can be having a conversation with a Living God.  I feel like I need a group... not just random 'besties' here and there. I truly believe this goes beyond my need for acceptance and really defines what it is to be in Christian Community.

be·long   //biˈlôNG// : To be a part of [[a God centered adventure]] 

I guess a part of this cry for fellowship really is a desire for Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I want to run this race with others. Period. I want to surround myself with those who consistently remind me: I am worth waiting for. Because no matter how he made me feel... I am.