Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ten Week Tribute

It has been ten weeks since I have left Nashville, Tennessee. I would like to say that Mercy Ministries and Grace Center cross my mind everyday, but they don't. However, I can say that every promise I made inside my heart, every whisper I sent to heaven, every hard decision I cried through-- I have followed through on.

It sucks that for the first month I felt like no one at that place understood, liked, or recognized me... not as a whole but in unexplainable ((insecure)) ways.

I was so wrong.

Like I said it has been ten weeks sicne I have left and this is the fourth "batch" letters I have recieved from girls still in the program. They have shared thier trials, triumphs, affrimation and love with me. They have let me in and not fogotten me. They have sent prayers and asked for advice. They have been transformed and set free. They are at peace and in love with the God that created them.

My heart bursts with joy.

One of the girls wrote back about a comment I made about being bored almost with being pure-- even though I know it is ultimately the best choice. She wrote back urging to not to compromise-- she lavished me with scriptures and reminded me why it is I do what I do.

*Sigh.. I love what I do- shut-up, sit back, make  myself available and let God use me. What a wonderful career. That is another reason being home is so hard-- it's like this environment won't let me blossom- it won't let me be a vessel for Him and that's fine, I know I'll find a blessed place to be again like Nashville was. 

So here is the tribute to the place that loved on my unconditionally, ripped insecurities out of me and replaced them with true confidence. Here is to the town that taught me what quality and richness of life really is. Here is to the people truly chasing after God's heart and unwilling to compromise life--and succeeding in miracles because of it. Here is to the minsitry that awoken my heart and made a worker out of me.

I miss you, all of you. But again, I know it's here where I am meant to be-- for now.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Back to Romance

Song of Solomon 1:2
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth
  for your love is more delightful than wine.

I have never had such an ache, such a desire, such a sweet after taste left in my mouth,
God, Lover of my soul, You have changed me.
Inside out! 
I have been saved, delivered, and healed.  
I know this may seem like old news but not when the creator of the world CONTINUALLY makes lavishes me. It never gets old being His princess. It is funny I would have no idea how to tell someone how to get from point A to B now--even though that was one of the points of this blog tocapture those moments and hopefully use them to touch people in their walk.

But it would almost be like asking a drunk woman for directions... 
Hmmm... what a wonderful thought, being drunk on Him and His wine.

Monday, June 14, 2010

When Home is no Longer Home

To be who you are trying to become always means, you can't be who you have always been.
This town scares me.
It makes me feel like I am someone I am not.
Or someone I have always been. 
Am I me.. or am I that someone I don't really see?
How can there be so much rage left inside me when the Lord also resides in me.

...I thought I was done with all this change stuff.
For one season to just be- would be wonderful.
But if I allowed that complacent lifestyle to take over I would never become like Him.
And is that not the goal in this life anyway?
To not be me but to be Him, or rather for Him to shine through me.
However in order for that to happen i can't be the me that I am.
I must be the me he has pre-destined me to be.
I have to be the woman He is trying to make me.

I will never be at full me-ness. But I need to keep trying.
I need to keep pushing forward.
What is it about this hometown of mine that makes me come alive--- in the wrong way.

Rochester gives me such life yet home, home brings me despair, compromise and void.
Is it me, is it him, is it Him? 
What could possibly be still left inside me that causes such distraction, such division.

I went through my devotional tonight (Hey Mike--here is your shout out) to just remind myself I have a purpose, a plan, a God who forgives, loves, comforts, and understands. 
I just don't like this town anymore... is that okay to even say?
I don't feel safe.