Wednesday, July 13, 2011

You've Been on my Mind

I was in the office. Seemed like a regular day; then I got the phone call.
One of Dad's best friend had taken his own life :::tragedy strikes:::

In those moments who do you call? When your knees get weak and you know you can't be alone. Since this was over a month ago- I called him. And as he drove me to my hometown I played Adele's "One and Only" over and over again. Holding back some tears, then at other times letting them go. The way she throws her soul into the music was the exact 'real-ness' I needed at that moment. 

Now you'd think this would be a post about tragedy. Or God's goodness through the pain- perhaps ::triumph:: But alas, it is not. This post, as with all the others, is about being lovesick.

He's been on my mind. And no (thank heavens) it is not who you are thinking. The boy driving the car was only an instrument to remind me how much I love being in love... with the man who CREATED love. 

I am God's one and only. He always has me on his mind. 
(that goes for you as well-ya just have to believe it)

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3)

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17)
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15)

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever (Psalm 136:26)
How precious to me are your thoughts towards me, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand
. (Psalm 139:17-18b)

God's goodness through that tragedy (and other letdowns that week) were just overwhelming. This life is hard, it really sucks at times (no doubt) and NONE of us like to do it alone. One of the saddest sights to me is to see a lonely person. Whether they are 13, 39, or 93. Being alone, feeling isolated, neglected or as desperate as my Dad's friend must have been... is just indescribably painful to my heart. 

But to know we can do life with God, to never be alone- ever is literally the best security one can have. ((Deut. 31:6)) Once you enter into that RELATIONSHIP with God you'll listen to songs like Adele's "One and Only" and be able to move past the guy driving the car and instead hear God whisper the lyrics into your heart.

"You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go"

Monday, July 11, 2011

When 3am knocks..

Hello Blogworld! To preface all this, since I am trying to stick to a budget, I still do not have a smartphone. However, I plan to by the end of summer. With that I know I will lose the information I have on my current phone. I was looking at all my locked texts thinking- hey these are some real emotions, I really want to save these. All of these 'texts' were notes from myself when my phone was more conveinetly located than a pen and paper. For example most of the quoted ones are from sermons where I forgot a pen or coffee house chats with friends. As for the others well.. almost all of them were written at 3am laying in my bed this past year. The first year living semi alone after being in a dorm for years.  

Some came to me like a kick in the gut that would awake me and give me a feeling of urgency to remember what was just whispered into my heart. These ones I sometimes didn't even realize I texted until the next morning (thank you Holy Spirit). Others were from two different heartbreaking moments where you find yourself waking up in tears in the early morning, knowing you must seem like a fool to the rest of the world hurting so much, but at the same time knowing it is healthy to grieve a lost relationship. (and 3am may or may not be the only time I am still enough to do so). So alas, here they are. Simple nuggets of thoughts, wisdom, or quotes I wanted to keepsake.

June 10th, 2010: "How can she possibly know him, when she does not even know herself"

June 11th, 2010:  Don't settle, don't compromise, don't even try to make an exccuse- it's either meant to be or it is not. Do not not work through anything but don't think everything should have to be worked on either. He is either the man you want to marry, someone you can inspire to be that man, or he is not. Stop wasting your time, efforts, beauty, and love in a worldly sense. Fall in love with God, fall in love with you and the right man chase you

July 5th, 2010: "What is it about yourself that you believe that is so bad? That does not allow you to be alone. Where is the root? You need accountabilty and those to hold you up in those moments of weakness"
"Those who won't let you compromise, know how good you are"
'Learn from this. You can for pay for education instead of just paying for a mistake"

July 6th, 2010: The easiest person to lie to is yourself. It is not humanly possible to act the way we do and be with someone so much and not grow attached. It is all a choice. You choose to fill your void the way you do, even if it is subconsciously. You have to be your own heart's best friend- if you don't care for it: no one else will.
July 16th, 2010: It is hard to heal others' broken hearts when you are worries about your own.

August 15th, 2010: The question has never been do I love you enough to stand by- but it has always been: am I suppose to stand by. And the answer I got was no. So I had to surrender what i loved more that anything else in this world. Not just you- but the idea of you, of us, of growing old and getting rich. The front porch and the back deck. The country road with an airplane runway. It was knowing all the time I spent dreaming, thinking and worrying were wasted... but only in the sense of they will never come true now... but then wasted because they were real. They were real hope. They were realistic hopes. They were ours. Now there will never be an us like we imagines. Somehow us will always be- even if it is only used in the past tense from now on. I always wondered what it would feel like to let someone go, to let yourself go- to let the dreams subside. And here it is the end of us. The end of an elongated romance, a pursuing, a battle, a love, and although I know that means there is too a beginning to be had, to be celebrated and longed for that is not where my heart is and where it has been. It has been with you, recklessly abandoned in your arms. And before I gave it over to you, it belonged to you. I kept it as hidden as I could until your gentleness overtook me, your words calmed me and your love convinced me that this was it- this is where I belonged and I handed you my heart. holding my breathe, hoping you would know hot to treat it right and to do so out of the goodness of your heart. I wanted you to teach me... teach me everything. I wanted you to shoe me, show me what it is to love, to dream, and to be a child of God. I wanted this to make sense and someday I know it will. not just because it sounds nice, but because I believe God has a purpose and a someone for each of us and this is only to better our lives with Him. That is the hope anyway... So to us- the us we use to know and be. The us we never thought we would lose and to the us we unfortunately have to become. Let it be the best us we can possibly be after being the best us we already were

August 15th, 2010: I have known that love is a commitment and not a feeling, but it was not until the lovesick feeling was gone that I had to ask myself... am I committed?
When the shiny armor begins to rust and the white horse was only a rental- reclaim your dreams for the Lord!

August 23rd, 2010: If we do it for them they will lose their sense of manhood. They have to pull it out within themselves or they will always feel inferior and be missing a crucial part of their strength. We are meant to be encouraging and inspiring, but if we are the only thing they inspire for or the only one whispering 'I believe in you'- they will lose faith in themselves to be able to do life without you. Then out of fear they will pull away from you in hopes they can be who they are meant to be: a man strong enough to hold themselves and their family (including you) up. You must let the Eagle peck its way through the egg in order for him to survive the real world.

October 17th, 2010: There is nothing more amazing then when a man swallows his pride and fights for you- instead of with you.

February 5th, 2011: Don't act like you care now. You basically packed my bags for me. Don't act like you don't want to lose me when you are the one who used me.  After all this time I waited for you to show you cared... don't act like you do now. That is just not fair. As soon as I got the strength to say goodbye you want to come act like you never lied. As soon as I am about to leave my key, you reach your hand out to me. Don't. Don't act like you care now after all the damage you have done. I can only take so much. So don't play games with my heart. Just as I reach the door you reach your hand out to me... don't act like you care now. 

February 11th, 2011: It is about commitment to God. Unwaivering. Things can go wrong but you are committed.

February 13th, 2011: Do not get caught up being a hostess for the world, when you are really a host of the Holy Spirit.

February 21st, 2011: How can I look at you knowing you do not care about me and still decide to give my heart away. Worship is what you give your heart away to... why do I worship you?

February 25th, 2011: If only you knew how deep your kiss cut into my heart. If only you knew the time I wasted thinking of scenarios that will never come true. If only you could see how often I foolishly check my phone to see if you have contacted me. You have invaded my thoughts, you have calloused my heart. I hate that i care for you. I fonally get the country songs that say 'go ahead and lie to me' .. it just feels right.

February 27th, 2011: Again I ask you, how can you know and not care? Do your part to free the hurting. 
March 14th, 2011: Staying in a relationship you know does not work is showing you have no faith that God can provide you better. You are trying to control the circumstances, when all along he has something better for you.

March 25th, 2011: I would like to say this has been fun... but it hasn't.

April 23rd, 2011: It is like you have intentions to bring me a rose garden, but all you have done is plant thorns

A part of love is you want someone to see beyond the you- you show everyone else. You want them to see what it is that really makes you, you and tell you you are just as amazing as you were always hoping you were. You let them into those intimate places you never knew if you would share with anyone else. You let your guards down and ... they leave with a piece of you

June 19th, 2011: "The world 'fixes' people, God frees them"
 "God wants to use you from an early age and He does not want you to be ministering from a broken heart"

June 25th, 2011: The world will constantly be telling you 'you are not good enough'; While God can't stop telling you how madly in love with you He is.
If Jesus had a facebook status; it would tell the world how crazy He is about you.

June 28th, 2011: When it came down to it I gave it my best. But sometimes in life there are more important things than romance.

July 1st, 2011: "2+2= yellow. It all adds up, you just have the answer wrong"