Friday, September 25, 2009

paint, rocks, & memories.

im not artistic.
never have been.
whatever we all have our things.
its not one of mine.

however, i can not remember a fall where i was not *covered* in paint.

every year.
every homecoming.
for *eight* years.
i played a significant part in a homecoming.

this is it. this is the final one.

sure i may have kids.
they may or may not be forced into winning that crown...
but its not my homecoming.

i remember junior year, spring play
we were all painting part of the set
and i was covered, *covered* in black paint
i had one of those moments..
the moments that if i had a blog back then
i would have rushed home & told ya'll about.

i knew at that moment i would not be remembered.

i was painting over someone's hard work,
someone's big moment
i was earsing their work of art
and i had no idea who they were
& that same thing i knew was gonna happen to me
there was going to be a point where no one,
no one in my high-school would know my name
& i came to accept that.
((so what if that acceptance came during college))

so.... here i am again...

im alone in the office painting for homecoming
& there will come a point where no one will remember my name.
it could be next semester, maybe next fall.
for most that concept is easy to get over...
but im not most people.
maybe its selfish.
maybe even insecure.
but its how i feel.

i know life will be full of even better things than brockport
just like there was from edison...
but that still doesn't stop me from being sad,
it doesn't stop me from taking a second look around
and wishing i was coming back after december.

Joshua 4:1-7
1 After all the people had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua,2 "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe.3 Tell them to get twelve rocks from the middle of the river, from where the priests stood. Carry the rocks and put them down where you stay tonight."4 So Joshua chose one man from each tribe. Then he called the twelve men together5 and said to them, "Go out into the river where the Ark of the Lord your God is. Each of you bring back one rock, one for each tribe of Israel, and carry it on your shoulder.6 They will be a sign among you. In the future your children will ask you, 'What do these rocks mean?'7 Tell them the water stopped flowing in the Jordan when the Ark of the Agreement with the Lord crossed the river. These rocks will always remind the Israelites of this."

...maybe i should *paint* a rock.
then will they remember me?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Our lives; His plans

Psalm 139:13-14

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Jeremiah 1:5

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.


It's strange for as busy as I am and for as many as wonderful friends that I need to make more time for, I have been saving time for her.
I look forward to our routine of late nights.
Tonight, as usual, she was sitting across from me on the couch
and asked me to read her essay.
I was reading her story.
She had to write about a significant person, place or thing that influenced her life that was no longer around.
She chose her friend Frank.

I accepted without hesitation.
but then worried if it was going to be too much emotionally for me to read.
Her friend Frank committed suicide this past May and it is a topic she has brought up on several occasions since meeting her in late August.
It was beautiful.
Her soul is beautiful.
The story was surprisingly humorous as it depicted a fun loving guy affected terribly by PTSD from his tours in Afghanistan.
What really got me what the description of the funeral.
She stated most could only utter the words; "I Love you, you son of a bitch"

What is it that draws me to stories like this?
What is it that draws me to beautiful young women who know nothing about their true potential in life?
What is it that keeps me writing about them?
These simple moments when I feel the Holy Spirit working, even though from the surface I was only reading a story.
But it was her story.

I, along with a great team, have been working very hard on bringing 'To Write Love on Her Arms' to campus to raise awareness and end the silence of suicide, depression and self-harm.
To learn about the movement go here:
To learn about our hearts & what we are doing read this:

"Everyone has a story to be told... Don't let yours be silent"

Being as stubborn as I am I want to know how God creates such moments like these and crafts them as he does... so perfectly and completely intertwined as if each day has a theme.. or each season has a single purpose...

So... God has a plan for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g?
My failures. My successes. My redemption. My purpose. My pains. My past. My love. My existence?

I'd say he does. 1988 was the peak of abortions in America.
To the world I was mistake. I was a night of selfish pleasure.
I could have easily been erased.
But to God.. I was everything... and so was Frank.
God rest his soul.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

tomorrow will be better

Joshua 3:5

5 Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."

On thursday night I was searching for something, anything that would renew my faith that friday would bring everything Ryan & I both believed it would bring. I was looking for the verse where someone does something when they tell God they refuse to take one step without him when I opened my bible to Joshua 3:5.

PERFECT! I thought. This is from is good... sort of feeling...

Well today was not really all it was suppose to be cracked up to be.
I wont get into a pity me, my dreams did not come true (at least yet)
but the shear pain our nights ended with... just was not what I was expecting... at all.

I cant go into specifics. Unless of course I changed 'names and places' but the world is hurting.
((wow. great kerri tell your audience something they dont know....?))
but my thoughts on these hurts, these downright lies we tell ourselves... these lies we CONVINCE ourselves we believe and DESERVE they will continue forever.
**This is of course unless someone finds their outlet of hope, restoration and unconditional love. **
however for the sake of those who dont find that.... what do they have?

a promise of a better tomorrow....
"well maybe high school wont be this difficult" "well maybe college will be better, thats where everyone figures it out" "No once I have a real job & my own place Ill be fine" "all I need is a husband and I'll be set" "Once we have some kids our family will just fall into place" "when johnny & sarah both are in school we will get our lives back on track" "ill be truly happy & free once the kids are at college" etc...etc...ETC!

why is it when I am "helping someone out" I let them believe this?
This is gonna sound harsh but if you hated each part of your life thus far...
((there is no promise for tomorrow))

...I mean there is. Wait, don't take that in a give up way.

but somthing has to change & I'm not saying it's the person. Like you are the problem & everyone else is okay... but we need to realize the reoccurring themes in our lives. The one line that we hear drilled into our heads, that no matter where we are in life, how happy we may seem, just buckles us at our knees and we surrender.

take it! figure out what that lie is and surrender it to the Lord. everytime you hear those words bringing you down refuse to let evil win....

A better tomorrow is not possible without a better understanding of our weaknesses.
We will just keep falling into the same situations, the same heartaches that none of us deserve to feel!!

---> This isn't about you not being strong enough because you are!
It's about you taking back what is yours in the first place.
Your confidence, your beauty, your mind and your happiness.

Don't think that tomorrow will be better without considering what can be learned from today.

...i guess im rambling... but the world is hurting... and i cant sleep...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I totally 100% feel like I figured it out.
Granted last night I was a sobbing mess over trivial stuff...
but tonight, tonight I have it all figured it out.

After completing my worldly duties to this campus
I stopped by our spot.
The spot he always romances me at.
The spot that never ceases to fill my every once of soul with joy and love.
....ugggh I love when he meets me there...

So I went there.
And I'm not trying to soul search, I'm not trying to change myself, figure myself out, figure out what I have to do to fit in/prove myself, better the campus. I just sit there and we are chitchatting and I sing to him a bit.
((this is the part where you know its God because there is no man who would sit through me singing to him))
And he reminds me of her.
He simply says to go see her.
Done. those are my instructions and I'm off.

I won't go into the detail of our conversation because really... I don't think the world is ready for it. Even the blessings I have from this online world.

But I do know from the day I got saved, from the day I met God's grace, from the day he showed me his love I have been fighting the rest of the world.

((now you may be thinking, well hey this is normal...)))

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
John 15:19
You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved.
Matt 10:22

But I'm talking about those who I commune with. And no I am not talking about any one person, or leadership, or group... seriously no bashing no gossip just being honest. I have faught my way through this whole Christian thing... then there are times when I think I am just making excuses for myself because I want to live the lifestyle I live and love the man I love and still be with God... but I'm not. There is NOTHING different between me & the young woman who leads the 4,000 women in her church from 13-25 years old. Maybe in my eyes, maybe in yours....


He doesn't see us for our mistakes.
He doesn't see us for our faults
He doesn't see us fro what we fail to do OR WEAR!!!!!!

He sees you.
He sees me.
He sees the broken.
He sees the healed.
he sees the hungry.
he sees the blessed.
He sees the worried.
he sees the sick.
He sees the violence.
He sees the love.

SO MANY TIMES I HAVE HEARD. Its not about your equipping but God will equip you once your there (or something that rhymes better than that) but... I always felt there was a clause there... like a fine print...

if you are good enough it reads.

maybe it was me... maybe it was a lie I was believing... but I just can't bring myself to take the blame. I feel as if I had one of those life changing trips to Africa or Vietnam myself.... like I experienced a life outside of Western Culture and now have footage to say all this as if I am... I don't know... different...?

But I didn't.
I just was on campus.
Not across the globe.
I was outside the library.
Not outside Liberia.
But he allowed me a glimpse...
He gave me that vision so many of my friends have been blessed to have.

For months my facebook box has read:
'For when those who are called to fish, fish- they flourish' Once you know who you are in Christ, you will change the world. Forget the sins, forget the Christian culture and just sit at the feet of Jesus

& I have always truly believed it but now I feel like I have the boldness to stop believing what others are telling me at the same time.

Maybe I've lost it.
Maybe I am 'falling away'
Maybe you'll pray for me because you are worried.
Maybe you'll think I've given up.

....but i'm 100% that really just figured it out instead.

this is what I believe.
and I'm not gonna change for you.