Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dear Nathanial: Because I'm Not Scared Anymore.

((wait, wait all readers do me a favor because I am not tech savy enough to know how to do this. So let's be ghetto. Please open a seperate tab and go to Once there please type in "Jason Mraz: I wont give up" For dramatic effect play this song as you read. Much appreciation, Above All Else))

One of our biggest fears as women is that someone will get to know the real us and not like us anymore. We do eveyrthing we can to hide the real us. Change our style of clothing, wear more makeup, hang out with certain people, get another degree, sit a bar, join a church group. We fill our lives with things, stuff, uncertainty, fakeness and ignoring our inner desire to be loved for the real us. Now I could go on about this subject for hours, I could quote from dozens of books that remind our souls we are worth it, that our beauty is not taken for granted, that we are loved beyond a love we can comprehend-- but tonight I am writing from less of an inspirational point and more from my unexposed heart. I am writing to let Nathanial know that I did not know our friendship would allow me to experience this love in such a raw way. So here it goes, because I am not afraid to let the world know how I feel.

Dear Nathanial,
If I knew how to sing I'd pull out a guitar and make this whole thing rhyme. But you know me-- I'm a lyrics girl and frankly a song won't do. You have received numerous letters from me in the past.. let's not get into how old some of those notes are... but they've always been in private. I've never been able to just say how I feel about you, how much I enjoy you, how much I believe in you without worrying about who might hear or what they might think. Never. So this is my apology. I am sorry for making you feel like you were something that needed to be hidden, when all you did for me was get me to understand how much of a treasure I am. Never once in our friendship have you contradicted your feelings towards me in your words. You've always been honest about how your were feeling and what my presence in your life was doing for your heart and eagerness to be whole. And I owe you the same.
Nathanial, I love who you are. Not who you are going to be or what you portray to this person or that person. But the underneath it all- you. The you you are when we take spontaneous road trips or stay up until 4am making hand puppets on the wall. I love that you have been willing to face some of your biggest fears this year, including your thoughts towards God and all that that entails. You are loyal to your core. Have you messed up? Sure. Have you broken a few hearts along the way. Absolutely. But I have had the unique opportunity to watch you actually grow from these experiences this year instead of closing yourself up like so many young men your age do. You chose to understand why you have been rebellious and why you seek comfort the way you do. You chose to begin fighting this battle. And although I don't think you'll ever conquer without making God your all in all, I am blessed to have just seen your mindset change. From being the problem to refusing to let it contaminate your life anymore.
I also wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sticking by me when a lot of others ran out. Thank you for sitting with me through long nights, lots of tears, and unnecessary drama that others never had the chance of knowing took place because they didn't make it their life mission like you did to ask me how I was and what you could do for help. Thank you for never letting me believe I am not good enough... for anything. Even in signing, when everyone else in the world knows I am no good at that. Thank you for consistently pushing me back towards the God I love so dearly even when it hurts you to know you cannot fulfill my needs. Thank you for taking me to fancy restaurants and letting me chatter endlessly about my life theories. Thank you for driving me to our hometown even when it completely inconveniences your weekend. Thank you for making me feel beautiful... it means a lot.
I wish I knew what was coming in our future or how to make us both happy without someone compromising. I wish I had the answers your phone call today made me want to have. But I simply don't. All I know is I am not ashamed to let everyone know how amazing I think you are and how dear you have been to my heart this past year. Granted, it won't be like this forever, or even much longer, and I get that but you deserve better recognition than I have been giving you. You don't deserve to be hidden. And I love just the fact that you even settled for letting me do that so selfishly.
So to us, to the absolutely confusing age of 23, to the fact I needed to blog this out to feel better, to the God I so want to honor with everything I have, to not being ashamed of my real feelings anymore--- here is my heart, this is the real me. Do with it what you will.
Respectfully and Sincerely yours,
Miss. Phillips

Sunday, April 8, 2012

let's throw rocks at bigger rocks...

There are few times in my life I can remember being so on-edge, so happy yet so constantly frustrated. I know it doesn't make sense... the two extremes, combined. All the time. But that is how I feel.

Yesterday I needed release badly that I drove to a local park and threw rocks at other rather large rocks just to :::release::: Whatever it was I needed out, I think I got it out. I smashed rock after rock until I crumbled to the grass and just cried. ...sounds dramatic doesn't it? But that's what it is. That's how I feel. Even my outfit didn't make sense. I threw on a Brockport hoodie as exiting the car which meshed so well with my black heels right? You may not see the symbolism but I do.

Rock after rock I yelled out every contradiction that I have been holding in lately. Like the day I went to my favorite mall and could not stop thinking about the socio-economic depravity there is in our very own city, but I still shopped-- yet my heart ached for justice. Or the fact that cashiers ask me 'how are you' more than my friends do lately. The fact that I pledged my life to God and his plan and promised him nothing would come between us, yet right there watching me throw the rocks was the only person I swear that could get me to take that promise back.

People, for good reason, keep asking me 'what is it you want'. What is it that I want?! I want both things that I want to be in harmony. I want Him and him. I want to not feel like a complete failure and fully loved at the same time. I WANT to throw this rock... thats what I want...

What I am SO grateful for though, is the people God has brought along side me for literally "such a time as this". I feel like the only thing more I could have done to reach out for community was get a tattoo on my face. And still most of my attempts fell silent, 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN' I want to scream, but instead God has said "Let me show you.. I have new things for you, new blessings for you, new grace for you, new adventures for you--- behold I make ALL THINGS NEW" He says. All things new. For you.

What a Easter this has been. I did everything I could to be unconventional, I mean let's be honest Jesus' sacrifice is something to be appreciated and celebrated >>>everyday<<< and yes, if you think I am judging you-- maybe I am. But its only out of a heart that wants you to KNOW that God passionately awaits your company EVERYDAY. He is so available. I don't know what makes the difference for people-- from them not being able to "hear Him" to then seeing Him in everyday life. I know part of it is a choice, another part favor, but possibly there is another element. What is it that I can SEE Him in everyday moments and you can't even see Him move in the biggest of ways?? ((another contradiction that makes me want to throw rocks))

My heart is divided to say the least. But I swear its pure. It is both bitter and grateful. It is in a season of change, but it is also staying exactly the same. God is making me new, but I am coming apart in the mean time and until I am put together again I believe I will just continue to throw rocks at bigger rocks.