Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Faith not Facts

"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."  --Psalm 51:6

About six weeks ago I was having lunch with someone I don't really know too well, kind of a new friend, someone who was feeling me out and trying to see what I was all about. Our conversations turned from the local news, to pop culture, christian lifestyles, past relationships etc. 

Throughout the conversation I said different things about stuff I had opinions on, ya know- nothing major but would drop a hint here or there and then quickly move onto the next subject. At the end of the conversation he asked me why I never explained or backed up my points of view. For example, my disinterest and disappointment about Oprah and her influence on this country. His question left me speechless.

I have thought about it ever since and I realize I do it with everything I am passionate about. Quoting things like "Don't get me started" or "well lets not go there"... but why? Why do I push off these topics?

I have been told I am almost too passionate about the Lord before and that I can't keep my desire for Him out of my conversations, but what about my thoughts towards politics, family structures and insecure girls. A lot of my close friends know how I feel but why is it I can't stand ground when it comes to those older than me or my family members?

I feel like it has a lot to do with faith. Most of what I believe is rooted deep within me in places I really just don't understand. Most of the things I feel so strongly about I derived my opinions and judgments out of relationships and stories from those I love. I observe what our society does towards people and the reactions they inversely giveback and... I just know. I know when things are wrong. I know when there is an injustice. I just can't verbalize it. I can't articulate the emotions behind oppression. I can't discuss what it is like knowing there are children crying out for their parents without an answer because they sold them into into sex rings. A little less on the serious side, I know what it is to feel a broken heart after being so vulnerable with those you love.

People want to argue facts. They want to talk policies and figures. They want to map out what is best and who benefits the most and who gets the cheese as one would say. But I can't; I feel what I feel. It comes out of those intimate times I spend with my Savior. Those little drops of wisdom He blesses me with when I really don't deserve it. I can't describe what it is like when God pours a little raindrop of revelation into me. I just know things. I feel things.

A lot of people think I am stubborn and becoming close minded... but I am just in love with Lord and the creator of the universe. I can't talk politics and health care when the weight of the world is on my heart. I literally FEEL when someone's heart breaks. That's not a statistic I can give you. I squirm at the THOUGHT of a box cutter, knowing someone has held that to their wrist.

Don't talk to me about the impracticality of a teenager having a child when you can't see the strength within that young woman!!! She is a child of God and He can get her through anything. I don't understand why people think those who have children young are so low class, so *see now I can't think of a proper word* they think she is so beneath them when all I can do is thank the Lord she is caring the child full term. A child is another chance to make this world right--- don't you DARE talk to me about welfare and the drain on society as you indulge on your third vacation of the year, surrounded by your loving family. Just don't.

And that is why... that's why I can't go deeper. Sure, some of my thoughts and judgments are my own and they are not from the Lord and I really am messed up and opinionated, but some-- some is wisdom. Wisdom that I am proud of. Wisdom that I will keep away from the dinner table but will someday speak to multitude that will listen and believe because they have faith, not facts.

I believe it more so now than ever. It has been confirmed four times today by four different women in my life. I am wise. This is something I have been trying to lie to myself about. Yes, I may be an A student but I will never understand the ways of this world... I mean not only am I a woman in a man's world, I am young, I am blond, I don't read Newsweek and I can't even tell you what channel Cspan or Fox news are. But I do have some wisdom in me! And I am proud to announce that that wisdom only comes out of the vulnerability I have to say that I am nothing without my God, my Abba, the romancer of my soul. The more I surrender to Him, the more I will learn about his world and the way He created it to be. At that point he will give me the words needed and the strength necessary to share my wisdom of faith not facts.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Loudest Laugh-er

I have written a lot lately. Most likely because I have so much I have been thinking about and this is now the only place where my sporadic thoughts come together and make sense...

I saw the movie Eat Pray Love tonight. I was not too thrilled about going to see this film but I knew it would make *her happy so I decided to go. Well there goes my close mindedness again. It's like I know that there are some things that really are not good for you that you should stay away from but unless some thing is directly bringing glory to God I have been shying away completely forgetting that He is everywhere and He is bigger than any idea hollywood has and He can shine through their movies.

Anyway-- it is one of those thinking movies, gets you wondering. Am I truly living and how is it I ended up where I am now. As *her and I talked we spoke about the part where the main character says that she was actively present in the decisions she made in her life... but once she found herself settled in them-- she was not happy. She was unfulfilled. We discussed further how we fill our bodies with food, we cover ourselves with the latest style, and hide our blemishes with the best makeup on the market--- yet still unfulfilled.

I could have married him. I could have actively planned each part of our life together. I could have gone somewhere different and far away for school. I could have studied abroad somewhere and experienced a new culture. I could have surrendered my innocence again. I could have ignored God's call to my life. So many choices I have made--- and I can honestly say I am happy with where I have arrived. Although my lifestyle is to never stay put and I constantly want to be working on myself and others, I am proud of where I am, who I am and the God I serve. 

Sure, I have a lot to learn. And by the end of the week my heart will be broken, guaranteed, but something is coming alive inside of me again. I am smelling that fresh air, I have rejuvenating my hope-- I am living, fully. And all I can think about are the unique qualities that make me- me and how much I enjoy that about myself.

I am the loudest laugh-er at the movies.
And yes, I will step on your toes if we are dancing together.
I will always choose a Reese cup over well, anything.
One tree Hill is and has always been my guilty pleasure.
Secretly, I think I have side bangs to just have a guy tuck them behind my ears.
Wearing bows in my hair may be a style I never rid myself of and drinking ice coffee at midnight is a bad habit I honestly don't want to kick.

I am me. And someday someone will love that enough not to leave-- because they too will have been formed by God for me to love, to cherish, and it will be right. It won't be work, somehow it will just fit. But, that love is not for now. That does not mean it is not him, for sure- it's just not for now. Now, I am to be me, for me and for the God who created me.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I woke up to a day...

I woke up to a day where the sleep I just got is never enough.
I woke up to a day where it is possible to love someone one day and then not the next.
I woke up to a day where a B is the new A and every error is highlighted in your paper.
I woke up to a day where family drama turns serious and suicidal.
I woke up to a day where the sun is shining and the kids were all out to play.
I woke up to a day where my dreams are beginning to subside and look too big to claim.
I woke up to a day where I am not sure who I am anymore...
but in this day I am sure that God is good and He has a plan
No matter what else this day I woke up to brings-
He is there and He is good.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Emotionless Faith

For years I have struggled with the scripture, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for", What?? I don't get it- isn't the substance the actual thing you hoped for? I have had some friends explain it to me and is does make sense in a different light now. But that is so right on with faith. I mean does it ever make sense?

It brings peace. It brings hope. It stands in the gap of disappointment and bitterness. But does it make sense-- no. Is it easy to wake up each day renewing this faith... sometimes, and sometimes not. The common question though: Is it worth it? Of, course!

For those who know me personally I am in a weird season, different, challenging, emotionless.... that's it. The absence of emotions. It's like I am here and I am truly happy/content but my heart is gone. My soul is satisfied but... stale.

It is almost testing, even though I don't think God tests or probes us to prove ourselves-- but more so do I truly believe even without the emotion behind this "religion"? How about without the constant reminders of love in this "relationship"? When I said I Love You and I am Committed to You--- did I mean it, or were my emotions fleeting?

I am doing everything humanly possible to scream, YES I STILL MEAN IT. I don't care if I can feel you, hear you, sense you. I know YOU are real and I KNOW you love me.

We change our thoughts on life daily. Every moment we have the possibility of responding differently to every situation-- our emotions are so uncontrolled. reckless, and untrustworthy. But He is not-- He is unchanging, unshakable and He is my God, my refuge and with Him at least-- I know where I stand.

-So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5   
-Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. James 1: 3
He is who He is no matter who I am that day. 
I can be the Kerri who is on fire talkin' about freeing the captives and such or I can be the Kerri who defeated daily by torturing thoughts of worthlessness. I can think about the future and plan great dreams based on the word of God or I can use my own past to convince myself it will never happen. 

It's not about the emotion, it's about the truth. 

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Romans 9

This set of scripture messes with my mind..
Every time I read it I have a different opinion.
Some times when I read it I f
eel like the Jews.
Others I feel like the Gentile.
Some times I think it is completely bogus.
Others I understand more so that He is God.  
Today--  I wanted to be enraged.
Why are some not called?
Or are they called but He knows they will refuse Him?
Either way-- I fall on my face and say thank you, thank you... thank you for choosing me. I  don't really know what else to say. That and thanks again for the wake up call. 

10Not only that, but Rebekah's children had one and the same father, our father Isaac. 11Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad—in order that God's purpose in election might stand: 12not by works but by him who calls—she was told, "The older will serve the younger." 13Just as it is written: "Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated."
 14What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 15For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion."

16It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. 17For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."18Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

 19One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" 20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' " 21Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

An Extra Hot Cocoa

I swear it that I would be a great waitress.
I use to be such a good barista at Starbucks.
Always giving that extra smile, whip cream and listening ear.
That is not to brag... but that is just who I am.

A lot of the times that I go out I do not get nice waiters.
That always bums me out-- I mean to a point.
I am always trying to talk to them & joke and they just want to know how I want my eggs-- no for real-- that is all they are thinking about.
But last night Ryan & I went out to Friendly's and we had a waitress who gave me an extra hot cocoa.

This is not about the hot cocoa.
It is about going above and beyond.
It was about her kindness.
It was about her crossing the "cultural norms" and still doing something nice for me.

Upon leaving I asked Ryan "Ya know we have had her a couple of times- do you think she knows who we are?" Ryan answered, "Yeah I bet she knows we are the couple who comes in everyone once in awhile, prays before meals, and leaves a good tip"

All three were true. I bet she does remember us and the tip we leave. And now that has me thinking... I wonder what *impression* we leave on her and everyone we meet.

I bet people think we are pretty happy.
We sure laugh a lot.
We talk the whole time and like to engage those around us in the conversation.
We obviously like the combination of ice cream and hot fudge, but I bet she doesn't know...

She doesn't know how sad I really was drinking that extra hot cocoa.
She doesn't know that he cut me off mid-way through my prayer so he could eat his sandwhich.
I bet she doesn't know how much that free hot cocoa meant to me.

Not only does she not know-- but most likely she does not care.
I mean whose heart really breaks over each person they meet wondering what turmoil they are going through that day?
Who takes that much time to consider what others are really going through.
We physically can't. There is not enough time to sit down and really help everyone and hear them out.

So can we at least agree to give that extra cup of cocoa?
I know I am. Because, wow- did I need that.
It may have been warm outside but my heart was quite cold.