Thursday, December 18, 2008

Chasing Ghosts

You know the lines, "I can't live without him!!" "But, its not always like this" "I don't want to start all over again" "It was so perfect before, he is just going through a rough time"

My mother always told me that girls cling to what the man was first like, even when the present it so obviously awful. Ya know, the beginning of the relationship when everyone is still on their best behavior? We cling to those first few months where nothing went wrong, everything fit perfectly, and love could have never failed us...

Maybe it's the season, maybe it's Taylor Swift's new hit: Love Story- but I'm chasing Ghosts. I say it has to do more with coming home. I drive by the highschool & nothing inspires me now, nothing makes me envy the daily routine- but I can't shake his smile.

I see it- vividly. And I cling to hope, I cling to old promises, I just cling... and I know it's so stupid. Pointless even! I probably would not even recognize him now.. but I cling.

And then there's her. Not a day goes by I don't miss her. Oh God, our friendship ran deeper than anyone I knew. And now... she hates me. She despises me.

((But for a moment, I drive by the school.. and I have them both. I see the world as it was years ago. I'm walking down the hall each one on either side of me and I'm ecstatic.))

I see it-vividly. And I can't shake it. I know it's an attack. Things at home have been so blessed so far. I am spening my time with those who truly deserve it. I have been staying in, when everyone else is out. And Honestly- I am so unbelievably happy being alone for once. I mean it. I can't stomach the thought of entering another broken relationship. Another unfilled desperate reach for love. I want authenticity. I want unconditional. I want to be able to dream on my own and not fit someone else in it.

But I keep chasing ghosts. I see him. I see her. I see broken promises. I see years of guilt and hurt left untouched. I see a lot of miscommunication and a lot he said she said.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on" -Rascal Flatts

"'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet,"
But you were everything to me; I was begging you, 'Please, don't go,'
And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'" -Taylor Swift

"If you look back too much, you will soon be headed that way"

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternally new now that builds and creates itself out of the Best as the past withdraws."

"Remember Lot's Wife"

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

you have come so far. little by little you i have seen you let go of the past and stop chasing the ghosts. it will take time, but i know that someday you will let the past be the past and never look back. =)