Again Kerri, Really?

Sometimes it is easier to hand God our best, than it is our worst. After my last post just said how great of a place I am in, I can't hide that some of my heart is simply just broken. It makes me want to scream, "Again Kerri, Really??"

I joined a Friday night Bible Study tonight that is walking through the book/DVD series Captivating. Now if you don't know what that book is-- you have not read my blogs before-- I LOVE this book. I crave it's message, I adore it's realness and pray that each woman who reads it would receiving healing from it just as I had. There was another night two Septembers ago where I had the same paradox where I had been starting to read that book again and I had also had a horrible night with a charming young man who is the only man alive, I swear, who can bring out my insecurities like he does. 

Regardless, here it is again. Somehow I find so much joy and strength offering my best to God. Knowing that my victories are really His- giving all credit to Him on my 'wordly' achievements. But when it comes to pain, when it comes to hurt, ahhh- something about it just stings and it is so hard to hand over. There is this fear of releasing the very thing holding me captive, as if living in "bondage" is better than trusting anyone... even God.

There are countless Bible stories I could recall that relate, so many redeemed lives I have personally witness choose God over bitterness and pain... so many- yet I still struggle to say "here God, here it is... me at my worst- would you find me in it? Can you see past my darkness to a heart who truly aches for you?" And all that fear for nothing. God is so faithful to our cries. We may not feel it immediately in that moment of ache, but that is mainly because we refuse to lift our heads out of the fog and worship Him for how faithful He is, unlike anyone we will know. When we stay alone in our pain that is the perfect time for the enemy of our hearts to take camp. ((Ephesians 6:12- For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.)) he loves to repeat the very things you are scared to hear, over and over again. Like the little devil you see in the movies on someones' shoulder, he was so quick to tell me how ridiculous and worthless I was tonight...

Tonight though instead, I choose to let God enter my pain again. No matter how silly others may think I am to be in this situation again, no matter how much it sucks to be vulnerable, and how ridiculous it is to feel this hurt over one person. I choose to let go, "Lord, come find me" I say- "Lord come find me, just as I am"

My rendition of Psalm 4 as I allow God into the pain:

Answer me when I call to you,

   my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress;

   have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

  How long will I turn your glory into shame?

   How long will I love delusions and seek false gods?

[I should know] that the LORD has set me apart, 

his faithful servant for himself;

   the LORD hears when I call to him.

  [ I should ]be in awe and not sin;

   when I am on my bed,

  [ I choose to ] search my heart and be silent.

 I will again offer the sacrifices of the righteous

   and trust in the LORD.

 Many, in this world LORD, are asking,

“Who will bring us prosperity?”

   Let the light of your face shine on us.

 Fill my heart with joy

  [ when he seeks worldly love. ]

  In peace I will lie down and sleep,

   for you alone, LORD,

   make me dwell in safety[trust, refuge, peace]. 

Thank you Lord, for always being faithful. 

"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one"  

2 Thessalonians 3:3

Thoughts from 37,000 ft above

I just spent a week in Denver, CO at a: five star hotel with about 65 other Youth For Christ staff from all over the country and world. One whole week digging into the word of God, experiencing true fellowship/accountability, and falling in love again with where God has me.
I have never felt so incredibly empowered yet gratefully humble ever. The weeks' content rarely had to do with programming, or stats, or national paperwork. The entire week focused on abiding with Christ; God being our first love; A ministry's goal is the same as the great commandment: Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind; and as simple as being the gospel while telling the gospel.

Needless to say I had a great time. The other youth workers were just so real. Like so funny, legit, and redeemed. I envied their students and wished someone like them would have been in my high school. I know I would have accepted Christ earlier and unlike I have said before, man I wish I would have. To have known His love sooner, to have experienced this freedom... sigh if only.

But alas, here I am flying over the United States pondering what life will be like when I get back. What changes I will really make. How much more time I will truly devote to the Lord... and I find my heart so restful. Which is such a sweet place to be that I might just cry on this plane. I feel so valued, while believing the best I have to offer is Christ in me--- and I truly mean that.

Also within this last week I became an Aunt. I will be seeing my Nathan Vincent Malandra sometime tomorrow for the first time. The thought of my brother being a father... is well, wow. Hopefully it will be the perfect way to present God's relentless for his heart.  Huh... now that is a change... I reallyhave been praying so much more lately for my friends and families salvation. Get that I don't think I have ever even mentioned that word on this blog before... salvation... look at this girl evangelizing  (haha).

With that Carey and I are focused on fasting this month with our church and for the first time I am really enjoying being weak and sacrifical for the purposes of mobilizing God's kingdom. I feel so charged to make a difference in even the smallest of ways. God has just been so much more real to me lately, which is crazy to say from the 'religious' girl and all. But even as I fly over the states now I hear God repeat "see that light on the hill.. see that city lit up, that's you my lovely- thats you"

(Matthew 5:14) "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.

please use my mistakes

The true points of fasting: To release whatever is hindering you from receiving God's full grace for you. To become dependent on His spirit alone and to focus on His strength throughout.

God, you know my heart, they do not.
You know the situation, they do not.
You know how much I care when I hide it from them.
You know those intimate moments we share.

And its not like I didn't know you were going to ask me to release him again and I believe full heartily you will be true to this fast and my heart will only be blessed and fuller because of it but God please hear my cry!! Use my mistakes to bring you glory. Use my weaknesses to shine your strength to him Lord. For years I was ashamed to admit how deeply I felt for him and now--- now I took the chance, its not right...its just not right. And I need it to not lead to a path of destruction but a path of deeper wisdom and peace for both of us. I need you to comfort our pain, I need you to be the forgiving God you so are and lavish us with love... even in our filthiness. In our wandering from you- I need you to be true. I need you to awaken his soul. Lord, you know I don't pray like this often. I have asked for things before from you, but here.... here lord I BEG you, I CRY OUT for you. You know my heart. You know how sick I am over this. LORD BE MERCIFUL.

Please, save him. Please

It all seems so surreal..

After watching the new video for Successful Pathways of YFC about a dozen times, I tried to watch it as if I didn't know anyone in it. As if those weren't my girls. As if that wasn't me. And something finally snapped in me.

THIS IS ALL SO SURREAL!!

IS THIS A JOKE?!

How did I get here?

When did this happen?

How is it that life is so awesome with God?

How did the girls know exactly what to say?

Will things be this good next year?

She has such a great smile!
When did she start thinking that about God?

One of the girls and I at our Fundraiser!

The video honestly made me think, what can I do to help this place out. I love what they do. I know that might sound conceited but really the music in the background just drew me in. So YAY for God's plans!

Also I went to my Alma Mater last night and again SO SURREAL. It's not like I have not been back there since but this time I was not going in as a college student, as a friend of a college student but as a Case Worker. Although I was visiting a LOVELY friend for her birthday also, I did an intake on the college campus as an expecting mother joyfully told me her plans for the future. As I arrived at her dorm, the RA's stared me down like I was a bother to them. I wanted to yell oout "HEY! I helped make some great new guidelines for you all and trust me I was just like you.... a few years ago". 

Student Government days!

I entered the dorm room in awe. OH MAN I miss that. They were so cute, so young, so joyful. Watching glee, decorating the dorm and just living life for fun and papers. I honestly can say there is no way I would go back but I sure did admire the youthfulness of it all. Across campus I went to the social work lounge to send out some pertinent emails.  While there I met some awesome grassroots Social Work students who were ready to take on the world, one "Occupy Brockport" at a time. They were trying to convince me that the student government wasted money and I almost didn't tell them I was the student government... but I did, and their right, we did waste money. The conversations they were having were just so similar to all of ours. Same professors, same papers, same drama. I wonder if the professors feel that way. Get so over the same excuses over and over again because they have heard them year after year. 

Regardless, again SO SURREAL. Here I was "in the field", as they asked me, when only a few short years ago I was procrastinating those same papers. *sigh..

Some of the lovely women of God who brought me up!

Then to visit the birthday girl! I joined in after lifegroup had ended, the very group that save my life. The Tuesdays nights that opened my heart to my creator, my lover and best freind- God. The Seniors in the group were MY freshman. My loves, the youngins' the ones who never knew the pre-Jesus Kerri. *sigghhh they are all so beautiful and talented, I just pray they never forget that. And when asked what I do I got to again tell them, I am "in the field" I am in missions fields, I help draw hearts to God.

AHHHHHHHHHHH it is all so surreal!!

I know I should not be so surpirsed God promised He had plans but sometimes you just have to take a moment and thank Him from getting to point B, when you fought him so much at point A. And to think He has a point C, D, E maybe even an H?? So much to look forward to, so much to be grateful for. EVEN WHEN THINGS ARE NOT GOOD- GOD IS GOOD. ((can I get an amen)) 

Alas, I just needed everyone to know that even when I am lost in the paperwork, stressed over transportation, saddened by client's behavior, I am truly GRATEFUL for it all. I don't know how life can get better but I cling to my Jesus the giver of all good things. 

"Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the 

Father of the heavenly lights, 

who does not change like shifting shadows."- James 1:16-17

--> my first ten months<--

10 months. 

Its been 10 full ((very full)) months since I started coordinating the health education sessions at my work, which I feel like signified my really stepping into the leadership role I have now there. These sessions are for young mothers in the city of Rochester. We discuss things like domestic violence, STDs, respect, childhood baggage.... all that fun stuff. We provide social, spiritual, and psychological support for these young women in many aspects. Tonight I do not want to tell you about how great my job is, what we do exactly, how we need more funding, the behavioral change we've seen, the retention rate, etc etc I say that all the time. I speak at agencies, I preach at churches, I do trainings, I meet with donors-- but I feel like I never get to share my heart. And, I yet to hide my heart from you blogworld... so here I go.

I don't know what I am doing. 

In the midst of all my right answers,

of my great advice,

my leaping attendance rates---

I don't know what I am doing.

I always thought if you'd give me a mic I would woo the crowd and they would love God in an instant after hearing me speak... and ya know what? It doesn't happen that way, I'm not at good at ministry as I thought I would be. Which is good because if I led by my arrogance I would not be leaning on God's grace. It was a good wake up call that I am not all that-- I also thought the first thing I would think to do in a meeting would be to pray and more times than not, I don't. I thought I would have prayed with these girls, loved on them, and led them to Christ-easy'&simple. But.. I don't know what... I am doing. 

It's not that the schooling didn't prepare me or I am lost at my job, more so I can't take myself out of what we are doing and see it--- for what it is. Like I honestly don't know what we are doing. How much an impact we are having, if lives are being changed, if the girls are starting to love God, if I am being too much of a control freak, if I am being too lienent. Things are SO BUSY, that I really need to sit down God and I and have a meeting. Get some love back in my heart, brainstorm some ideas and cut myself some slack of course.

That is what December is. After the big fundraiser, I am closing the office door and figuring things out. I knew this year would be different, challenging, eye-opening, busy and sacrificial- but again I really knew nothing, I had NO CLUE what I was getting into, how much I can handle, how I would supervise, what it would be like to have clients, a program, and babies around all the time?!? 

And, I don't mean to sound like I am upset or overwhelmed, I am just admitting I don't know how 10 months went by. I don't know if I was efficient in my ministry. 10 months-- wow. I always knew I would have a lot to learn and that will be a constant in Social Work. But this is my first real 10 months and I have to admit for not knowing much I did pretty alright- now its time to sit down and make things better. ((any ex's of mine who read this know my 'need to get better' syndrome lol))

For example, I am learning for the first time what attachment and termination is for real like with clients. I see why other agenies have such strong boundaries set.. *sigh. I mean I love these girls... and I just didn't know how much a family we would become. How much attitude they'll give you just to see if you'll really stick around....and their texts... man, they kill me. At the end of a day they'll text me just a simple thank you... and honestly it makes ---everything--worth it. I have so many stories, I could share-- but the girls say it better; this is a rough draft if you will- of what they girls video taped for our new video. The video will be showed in its completion this coming Monday so I'll share it then also. But check it out today too!

Throughout it all God has been so faithful-- each week (of group, but really everyday) I enter in not really sure what is going to happen and each week, He gives me exact plans, He listens and directs... and honestly that's what I need... I need to be bringing all of this to God, asking Him what He thought. How He wants this program to improve, how He wants to move forward. I think I'll go do that now... I don't need this blog to process my last 10 months-- I need God.He's the best Social Worker around anyway :) :)

Are you plugged In?

I hurried to my office today an hour early to get things ready for what will always be the busy day, Tuesday. The day I have the pleasure of coordinating RLI (Real Life Issues), a group for young mothers in the city who are able to talk about their 'real life' and feel safe, accepted and loved. Attendance builds each week and so does the chaos. But a good chaos, as my boss states in our video "Change is challenging; Christ can change us". While busy typing away I noticed my computer was losing battery quickly, which was odd, since I know I plugged it into the wall first thing this morning. When it reached the 10% battery life warning I took a look. The plug was plugged into the computer, the plug was connected to the wall: but the two were not connected together. I immediately opened my Bible. A great reminder to not forget to connect to our One True power source. 

Isaiah 40:28-31  Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,   the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,   and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;   they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;   they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Chronicles 16:11  Seek the LORD and his strength;  seek his presence continually!

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Psalm 18:32-34  the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer  and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

1 Corinthians 10:13  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

As busy as always, yet as peaceful as I allow the word to let me be-

Above all else: Love. 

Cast all your cares...

 He doesn’t love me. That is all my heart can think tonight.

I don’t know why I am so surprised.

It’s like, Kerri- hello… where have you been?

I am back at that idea of the desired to be desired.

The paradox of love and hurt.

I am starting to see why some people settle.

They cover up the pain of the last one with the next one.

Never truly feeling the loss of a relationship.

Tonight I choose to feel the loss.

Funny, most people will give you advice on how to spend your time when you feel this way. Ignore it, watch TV, go out on a blind date etc- but I have said it before and will say it again sometimes, and only sometimes, we need to allow ourselves to connect with our TRUE emotions. That is why people can become so transformed in counseling. It’s not the counselor that makes things happen, it is actually taking the time to focus on your emotions, your triggers, and what they are trying to tell you. Other times of course we do need to rise above, hand our hurt over to the God who knows all about losing relationship with the ones He loves…

I guess that is the hardest part... how to explain to someone how to “hand it over” to a God they barely know. Let’s be honest to a God I barely know…

Tonight at group I lost the girls, I could feel it- the energy was gone, they were distracted and bored with whatever I had to say… I brought back our worry basket. The idea is to write down your worries, crumble them up, and throw them into the basket. The basket is surrounded by the scripture: “Cast all your cares on Jesus, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7) For weeks we used this and gave a little different explanation every time. After hearing my spiel a few times one of my interns hit the nail on the head when she asked the ladies, pretty hard to hand something over to a God you don’t know right?... So again I ask how can I explain to someone how to hand over their “anything” to God, especially when it comes to things like loneliness, the very emotion I speak of tonight.

First, of course, we would have to have a relationship forming with God to be able to speak to Him, so the initial “sinners prayer”… Lord, forgive me for my sins, I cannot and do not want to do this life without you anymore. Let your ways be my ways, and let your plans be my plans. Give me the strength to get through the hardships I have now and peace for the ones I will endure in the future. And in all ways God make me more like your Son, whom I am eternally grateful for as I can accept your forgiveness today because He died an innocence death. Blessings and honor in your name, Amen.

Then, the Holy Spirit has to be present. Like has-to-be-. Trying to connect to God without the Holy Spirit is like… trying to listen to an ipod that has no charge. So invite Him in the room and into your heart also, although it sounds weird- He is the Holy Spirit and trust me, He gets things done. Also for that ipod to work, you’ll need headphones- something to get the music to your actual ears and inside your mind, similarly a church or good group of Christian friends can do this same thing. You must have these three parts (God of course being the ipod itself) to work.

From there… well what happens from there... you have God, the Holy Spirit, and your hurt. So.. you just start talking. Remember God is a REAL God—so act like He is RIGHT THERE, because He is. Do what you would do if it was you and your friend. I know if it was my friend, we would grab coffee and let the tears and laughs flow as we explained the dysfunctional growing pains of becoming an adult. Perhaps you journal, draw, blog, twitter your pain. Whatever, just share that with God-

Then and most importantly, as another intern reminded me of today- you have to have FAITH that God will heal your hurt, your circumstances and overall your heart. FAITH is what the Holy Spirit thrives on… so to get the charge on that ipod you must BELIEVE that the outlet you are plugging it into will actually charge the ipod. God responds to faith that’s for sure:

Matthew 17:20 “He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "

Matthew 15:28 ‘Then Jesus, answering, said to her, O woman, great is your faith: let your desire be done. And her daughter was made well from that hour.”

Hebrews 11:1 “The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.”

1 John 5:4 “for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”

Lastly, I guess, yet the longest and hardest part- you must choose to continue to have that faith and not let the pain overtake you. The contradiction is sometimes yes, it’s healthy to connect to your feelings and feel what I acknowledge now as loneliness, but perhaps it is failure for you, or depression, embarrassment, etc – but you cannot stay there. You have to make the CHOICE to continually give it to God. And make right CHOICES in the direction of not filling the “void” or hurt with other things BUT God presence and to not keep running back to things that give you those worries. Examples: ex-boyfriends, drugs, spending money on things you don’t need etc etc

I think that is the best way to explain it. I wish I would not have epically failed that when I went to explain it to the girls today. But I am glad I took the time to connect to what was truly bothering me. Sure, my heart is hurting because I am remembering a loss, but I know the process of handing this over to God, I know how to worship a faithful God when my life seems faithless. But what truly hurts is not being able to communicate the hope and the drastic change that can come from handing these over to God to my girls…

Lord, teach me, help me connect them to you… send me- I say. I surrender my own wants for them to know just how good you truly are. God please… I know you are faithful and unlike him.. I know you love me.