He doesn’t love me. That is all my heart can think tonight.
I don’t know why I am so surprised.
It’s like, Kerri- hello… where have you been?
I am back at that idea of the desired to be desired.
The paradox of love and hurt.
I am starting to see why some people settle.
They cover up the pain of the last one with the next one.
Never truly feeling the loss of a relationship.
Tonight I choose to feel the loss.
Funny, most people will give you advice on how to spend your time when you feel this way. Ignore it, watch TV, go out on a blind date etc- but I have said it before and will say it again sometimes, and only sometimes, we need to allow ourselves to connect with our TRUE emotions. That is why people can become so transformed in counseling. It’s not the counselor that makes things happen, it is actually taking the time to focus on your emotions, your triggers, and what they are trying to tell you. Other times of course we do need to rise above, hand our hurt over to the God who knows all about losing relationship with the ones He loves…
I guess that is the hardest part... how to explain to someone how to “hand it over” to a God they barely know. Let’s be honest to a God I barely know…
Tonight at group I lost the girls, I could feel it- the energy was gone, they were distracted and bored with whatever I had to say… I brought back our worry basket. The idea is to write down your worries, crumble them up, and throw them into the basket. The basket is surrounded by the scripture: “Cast all your cares on Jesus, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7) For weeks we used this and gave a little different explanation every time. After hearing my spiel a few times one of my interns hit the nail on the head when she asked the ladies, pretty hard to hand something over to a God you don’t know right?... So again I ask how can I explain to someone how to hand over their “anything” to God, especially when it comes to things like loneliness, the very emotion I speak of tonight.
First, of course, we would have to have a relationship forming with God to be able to speak to Him, so the initial “sinners prayer”… Lord, forgive me for my sins, I cannot and do not want to do this life without you anymore. Let your ways be my ways, and let your plans be my plans. Give me the strength to get through the hardships I have now and peace for the ones I will endure in the future. And in all ways God make me more like your Son, whom I am eternally grateful for as I can accept your forgiveness today because He died an innocence death. Blessings and honor in your name, Amen.
Then, the Holy Spirit has to be present. Like has-to-be-. Trying to connect to God without the Holy Spirit is like… trying to listen to an ipod that has no charge. So invite Him in the room and into your heart also, although it sounds weird- He is the Holy Spirit and trust me, He gets things done. Also for that ipod to work, you’ll need headphones- something to get the music to your actual ears and inside your mind, similarly a church or good group of Christian friends can do this same thing. You must have these three parts (God of course being the ipod itself) to work.
From there… well what happens from there... you have God, the Holy Spirit, and your hurt. So.. you just start talking. Remember God is a REAL God—so act like He is RIGHT THERE, because He is. Do what you would do if it was you and your friend. I know if it was my friend, we would grab coffee and let the tears and laughs flow as we explained the dysfunctional growing pains of becoming an adult. Perhaps you journal, draw, blog, twitter your pain. Whatever, just share that with God-
Then and most importantly, as another intern reminded me of today- you have to have FAITH that God will heal your hurt, your circumstances and overall your heart. FAITH is what the Holy Spirit thrives on… so to get the charge on that ipod you must BELIEVE that the outlet you are plugging it into will actually charge the ipod. God responds to faith that’s for sure:
Matthew 17:20 “He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "
Matthew 15:28 ‘Then Jesus, answering, said to her, O woman, great is your faith: let your desire be done. And her daughter was made well from that hour.”
Hebrews 11:1 “The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.”
1 John 5:4 “for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”
Lastly, I guess, yet the longest and hardest part- you must choose to continue to have that faith and not let the pain overtake you. The contradiction is sometimes yes, it’s healthy to connect to your feelings and feel what I acknowledge now as loneliness, but perhaps it is failure for you, or depression, embarrassment, etc – but you cannot stay there. You have to make the CHOICE to continually give it to God. And make right CHOICES in the direction of not filling the “void” or hurt with other things BUT God presence and to not keep running back to things that give you those worries. Examples: ex-boyfriends, drugs, spending money on things you don’t need etc etc
I think that is the best way to explain it. I wish I would not have epically failed that when I went to explain it to the girls today. But I am glad I took the time to connect to what was truly bothering me. Sure, my heart is hurting because I am remembering a loss, but I know the process of handing this over to God, I know how to worship a faithful God when my life seems faithless. But what truly hurts is not being able to communicate the hope and the drastic change that can come from handing these over to God to my girls…
Lord, teach me, help me connect them to you… send me- I say. I surrender my own wants for them to know just how good you truly are. God please… I know you are faithful and unlike him.. I know you love me.