Alright folks, this blog is going to begin with a little bit of reading and then get real personal, real fast. Tonight I write from a deep longing, a sadness, something I have been writing about and feeling for years; The desire to be desired.
For those unfamiliar with the Bible-- The book of Hosea [[at least chapter 2]] is about God's feelings towards a very unfaithful Israel. Refers to 'her' as an adulteress one who is searching [[and finding]] her pleasures elsewhere, ignoring the one who actually gave her the blessings and using them to allure other lovers. So God gets all jealous and stuff and decided to cut her off from everything that tempted heart and left her craving more. Without these "void fillers" He hopes her eyes turn to Him where He will speak wonderful promises to her. This is how it plays out in scripture [[in parts]]:
“…She is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts. Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst… She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold— which they used for Baal… [[[then he takes away everything from her that brought her false love, happiness, and celebration]]] …"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope… "In that day," declares the LORD, you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.’…. I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD…. I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one. I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' "
Okay, so what's up Kerri?
What has you blogging at 9pm on a Saturday night?
Shouldn't you be out, doing something, anything? Well readers- funny you should ask.
[[[Tonight was awful]]]
Tonight was one of those nights you wish you would never left the house. Nothing terrible happened, nothing catabolic, just unfortunate circumstances that reminded me where exactly I have been getting my love from.
I won't go into a serious of events [[they really would not make sense anyway]] Just know that at the end of the night I was screaming at God, "REALLY?? Is this what you call alluring?? This just sucks and I just hurt!!!!" For years I have read Hosea and thought what a beautiful love story and a story of redemption and yes I knew there was a lesson to be learned but it apparently never hit me I had to learn THAT lesson.
He is stripping me. Every plan 'b' my heart can think of He is ruining. He has placed me in the desert and I am too mad to look up. I honestly just want to hear the words "you are so beautiful Kerri" and the worse part, I know it. I even KNOW my own insecurities. I know what it is I want, why I want it, and how I am searching for it in the wrong places. Yet.. I still search. I still crave... I still desire to be desired.
If ironically ever fit in a story it was on my ride home tonight, when my CD continued my audiobook of 'Captivating'-- here it is the very thing I study, the very thing I have dedicated myself to teaching young girls for a career and I am still there. I am still asking "Do you find me captivating?" [[Girls PLEASE check out this book, not only will my blogs make more sense but the mysteries of your heart will be unveiled, I promise]]
I looked great tonight [[haha]] I really did and I went to the one place [[well one of the two, Heather will get this]] that I flourish in. I am not a girl who can pick someone up at a bar [[nor do I want to- but anyways]]. My personality works at coffeeshops. I can talk for hours over steamed drinks, with girls or guys-- but that is not the point, I did not want someone- I just wanted to hear something, "Wow Kerri- you are so pretty". THAT'S IT, that is a girl's heart- I promise 99.8% of the time that is all we want to hear.
God knows what I want to hear; He knows my heart, He sees my foolish attempts and He doesn't laugh at me but I believe He giggles a bit knowing I made the wrong choice. He knows when I get into my car I am going back to the desert-- where all my desires have been stripped. And like 65% of me is SO HAPPY that they are, I mean all I have to do is look up to God and ask Him to answer my question... but the other 35% hates it. I hate having to rely on a Man in the sky, I want hope even if it is false. Now this hate won't last and by the morning sun I will shake it off and thank God for His protection over my life--- but tonight I am aching. I am craving.
Even worse part? There are thousands of girls just like me. They will go home with [[or without]] someone. They will be leaving coffeeshops, bars, movies, parties, youth groups whatever and they will sad. They will be empty. They will be in that desert not knowing God is trying to allure them to drink the living water, not the salt water that leaves them even more parched. Thousands of us coming home wiping of our makeup, shaking our heads at our sad excuses of outfits [[either skimpy or not]] and calling it a night, refusing to let the real lover of our soul in. Tonight, we'd rather cry about the world than take a chance on faith.