Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Not a lot has changed.

 Last year on Saturday December 20th, I wrote this post:

Early Morning Tuesday December 9th, I write this:
Not a lot has changed.
I remember the joy I had writing that post. Everything I said was so true.
Those are my raw emotions.
When you search deep within me you will find exactly what I wrote there.

And yes, obviously things have changed.
A year has gone by and things have been good... real good.
The Lord is so faithful and so true to His word.
Yet, I sit here and cry as I write this post.
But I am so thankful for this.
This outlet of emotion.
How else could I possibly deal with the fact that
in two weeks my life will be completly different?
I'll go home and I'll love it... like I always do.
Then I'll head down to Nashville and I'll live it... I know I will.
I am twenty-one years old- graduating...
leaving the place I have known as home for what feels like forever.
No matter how many times I remind myself of this.. I don't believe it.
As I write this I am trying to convince myself that
I will not return as a Resident Assistant next semester.
I won't be getting jitterbugs coffee anymore.
The acronym BSG won't matter anymore.
My friends won't be right down the street.
I won't be able to wear boots that don't match with paint stained sweats.
I won't... I just won't...

It is so frustrating. I am so happy wherever I am at but I hate moving on.
How can I possibly be so complicated?
Does anyone understand??

I watched a lot of One Tree Hill tonight.
It's been a year since I have and I am glad I gave myself that time.
I have four papers and two finals... but this was my "last Monday" as I told everyone.
I deserved to take a night off.
This may seem really dramatic to some of you,
but this is me, this is how I feel and not a lot has changed. 

Peyton: (voiceover) Dear Molly, this is gonna sound a little strange but I'd like you to paint over my old closet door. The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface. Love Peyton

1 comment:

Heather said...