I joined a Friday night Bible Study tonight that is walking through the book/DVD series Captivating. Now if you don't know what that book is-- you have not read my blogs before-- I LOVE this book. I crave it's message, I adore it's realness and pray that each woman who reads it would receiving healing from it just as I had. There was another night two Septembers ago where I had the same paradox where I had been starting to read that book again and I had also had a horrible night with a charming young man who is the only man alive, I swear, who can bring out my insecurities like he does.
Regardless, here it is again. Somehow I find so much joy and strength offering my best to God. Knowing that my victories are really His- giving all credit to Him on my 'wordly' achievements. But when it comes to pain, when it comes to hurt, ahhh- something about it just stings and it is so hard to hand over. There is this fear of releasing the very thing holding me captive, as if living in "bondage" is better than trusting anyone... even God.
There are countless Bible stories I could recall that relate, so many redeemed lives I have personally witness choose God over bitterness and pain... so many- yet I still struggle to say "here God, here it is... me at my worst- would you find me in it? Can you see past my darkness to a heart who truly aches for you?" And all that fear for nothing. God is so faithful to our cries. We may not feel it immediately in that moment of ache, but that is mainly because we refuse to lift our heads out of the fog and worship Him for how faithful He is, unlike anyone we will know. When we stay alone in our pain that is the perfect time for the enemy of our hearts to take camp. ((Ephesians 6:12- For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.)) he loves to repeat the very things you are scared to hear, over and over again. Like the little devil you see in the movies on someones' shoulder, he was so quick to tell me how ridiculous and worthless I was tonight...
Tonight though instead, I choose to let God enter my pain again. No matter how silly others may think I am to be in this situation again, no matter how much it sucks to be vulnerable, and how ridiculous it is to feel this hurt over one person. I choose to let go, "Lord, come find me" I say- "Lord come find me, just as I am"
My rendition of Psalm 4 as I allow God into the pain:
Answer me when I call to you,
my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
How long will I turn your glory into shame?
How long will I love delusions and seek false gods?
[I should know] that the LORD has set me apart,
his faithful servant for himself;
the LORD hears when I call to him.
[ I should ]be in awe and not sin;
when I am on my bed,
[ I choose to ] search my heart and be silent.
I will again offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the LORD.
Many, in this world LORD, are asking,
“Who will bring us prosperity?”
Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy
[ when he seeks worldly love. ]
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, LORD,
make me dwell in safety[trust, refuge, peace].
Thank you Lord, for always being faithful.
"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one"
2 Thessalonians 3:3