The Cliché Post for 2010

[[inspire, beautiful, faith, love, stay, go, know, surprised]]  
[[inspire, beautiful, faith, love, stay, go, know, surprised]]   
[[inspire, beautiful, faith, love, stay, go, know, surprised]]   

I want to be inspired

I want to inspire

I want to be told I'm beautiful

I want everything to be beautiful

I want to grow in my faith

I want others to join my faith

I want to stay in love

I want to give unconditional love

I want to move away

I want to stay close

I want him to notice

I want him to go away

I want her to understand

I want her to not know so much

I want to know all the plans

I want to be completely surprised 

...That's it, that is what I want.

I want to be completely surprised. God and I will be traveling to many different places and chapters in my life this year and in each one I want to be completely surprised. I want Him to do what He always does. He takes those little hopes and dreams you never verbalized before and makes them reality. It is not like I ever put the words together that 'I would like to move down south and work at a ministry and live with a Pastor's family and learn from them'.... But he puts together little desires and works everything for good. [[evenwhenthingsarebad]] So that's it my NewYear's Resolution is to know more about Him and less about my plans.

[[inspire, beautiful, faith, love, stay, go, know, surprised]]  
[[inspire, beautiful, faith, love, stay, go, know, surprised]] 
[[inspire, beautiful, faith, love, stay, go, know, surprised]]   

Empty Dorm Room

Just an fyi: I swear I have more intelligent, meaningful thoughts and conversations throughout the day but when it comes time to blog I feel I write about the most simple things.

Empty Dorm Rooms.

I know I have wrote about this before.

These thoughts I have now, I have had for years.

Tomorrow I will arise for the last time in my dorm room.

Today it is all packed up, hidden away in my closet

awaiting a handsome fellow to pack it in my car

((like I always make him do))

Yet this morning it still looked like my room.

There are no pictures, no wall hangings, no mess on the floor

no half-poured out bookbags, no half eaten cookies,

no ribbons and earrings tangled,

no super late homework assignments crumbled up,

no pink fuzzy socks to be found.

Nothing.

Empty walls in an Empty dorm.

But why then does it still feel like home?

Why do I still feel the same peace when I walk in?

Why can I tell that it is mine and feel like nothing is missing?

I have thought alot about what a home really means.

Some quote, "Home is where the heart is"

While others, "Home is not where you live, but where they understand you" 

And still others, "Home is the place where it feels right to walk around without shoes on"

So what is it, what is in the still of the air that makes everything so comforting?

Maybe I will never know, but whatever it is- I appreciate it.

And I appreciate that it follows me wherever I go.

That way I know, everyplace will be home. 

P.s. To anyone who reads this, whether you normally comment or not let me know what your thoughts are on this feeling, if you have ever had it or not. Or leave your favorite home quote so I can start a collection for future writings. Thanks!

A Glimpse

Because recently I can't say it  myself:

 

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: "Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

"To be nothing but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everyone else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” E.E. Cummings

 

Dream Big. 
Stand Firm. 
And Inspire Others. 

Believing in Yourself is More
Than Half the Battle. -me.

To a college life well lived.
Thank you Brockport, 
Thank you. 

 

   

Not a lot has changed.

 Last year on Saturday December 20th, I wrote this post:

My Love affair with OneTreeHill

Early Morning Tuesday December 9th, I write this:

Not a lot has changed.

I remember the joy I had writing that post. Everything I said was so true.

Those are my raw emotions.

When you search deep within me you will find exactly what I wrote there.

And yes, obviously things have changed.
A year has gone by and things have been good... real good.

The Lord is so faithful and so true to His word.

Yet, I sit here and cry as I write this post.

But I am so thankful for this.

This outlet of emotion.

How else could I possibly deal with the fact that
in two weeks my life will be completly different?

I'll go home and I'll love it... like I always do.

Then I'll head down to Nashville and I'll live it... I know I will.

BUT THIS IS NOW.

I am twenty-one years old- graduating...
leaving the place I have known as home for what feels like forever.

No matter how many times I remind myself of this.. I don't believe it.

As I write this I am trying to convince myself that
I will not return as a Resident Assistant next semester.

I won't be getting jitterbugs coffee anymore.

The acronym BSG won't matter anymore.

My friends won't be right down the street.

I won't be able to wear boots that don't match with paint stained sweats.

I won't... I just won't...

It is so frustrating. I am so happy wherever I am at but I hate moving on.

How can I possibly be so complicated?

Does anyone understand??

I watched a lot of One Tree Hill tonight.

It's been a year since I have and I am glad I gave myself that time.

I have four papers and two finals... but this was my "last Monday" as I told everyone.

I deserved to take a night off.

This may seem really dramatic to some of you,

but this is me, this is how I feel and not a lot has changed. 

Peyton: (voiceover) Dear Molly, this is gonna sound a little strange but I'd like you to paint over my old closet door. The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface. Love Peyton

Testing 1,2,3

I just found out how to update my blog via phone :)

This picture makes us both laugh a lot,
so I thought I would use it as the tester.

We often say that Ryan is digging himself a hole 

and that he is constantly needed new and flashier shovels 

to keep up with his mouth. Ha ha. So Enjoy!

What they said.

" Our vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence. The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles. The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change. The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead. The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real. You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story."

-TWLOHA vision

“Hope is a powerful contraceptive. The way that you help young people avoid pregnancy is by providing them with real evidence that good things can happen in their lives.”
-Prevention program in NYC


"Although technology helps soothe this ache at times, I feel that it always leaves me wanting more. More conversation, more information, more feeling, more thought more interaction...just more. Something is missing from these artificial forms of communication. When we attempt to fill the void that we feel inside ourselves with this technology, we are about as successful as a child trying to fill a hole in the sand with water."
-Soul Rebellion
http://thelawlesslyricist.blogspot.com/


"I'd give up the privilege to drink to be 19 again."
-An old High School friend's facebook status today


"It's been fifty years, fifty long years since I've done this. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is the measure of a successful life, then some would say that I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, or stumble and fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination"
- One Tree Hill


"Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone
There's a log on the fire 
and it burns like me for you
Tomorrow comes with one desire
to take me away it's true
It ain't easy to say goodbye"
-'Save Tonight' Eagle Eye Cherry


"These days everything is all business
Never in one place for too long
But theres no lack of arms around me 
But I still wonder if somewhere I went wrong...
And I'd wish on every star 
in the southern sky 
for that man and our life
If I did not think that
Maybe I was much to selfish
but baby you're still on my mind
Now I'm grown and alone
and wishin I was with you tonight
'Cause I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee.
Yes, I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee"
-'Tennessee', The Wreckers

God of this City

Praise Reports from my hometown of Elmira New York:
Churches are one fire for God and His Holy Spirit.
My Mother started to attend Saturday evening church.
My Father confessed his belief in Jesus Christ.
My 25 year old cousin was baptized last Sunday and is a beautiful worshiper.
Her three daughters are learning what it is to love the Lord.
There will be an annual 'Hope of Christmas' where both churches I attended stated:
"To bring Jesus fame, not our Church"

I know this may seem snooty, selfish, or whatever... but I forgot that God was moving in Elmira.
I look around and see so much destitute and I figure since I did not know God in Elmira... He must not be there? That sounds wrong, but sometimes I forget that God is working ALL AROUND the Globe. It is more than our church, more than our community, more than America. I admit a lot of it came out of my disbelief that He could ever save my family... again wrong I know, but when someone is so close to your heart and you know their circumstances and you know their stance on the world, it is very difficult to believe that they will ever... well... believe.

I felt like if any of that was going to happen it was going to take a lot of prayers and effort on my part. Bring this light I found into the dark darkness I left in Elmira. Silly me.. as usual. God does not need me. God is moving in my Hometown, always has been, and always will be-with or without me. And that my friends is a *beautiful* thing to be reminded of

You are the God of this City.

The Capstone

I never fall asleep when I say I am going to.

Latest realization:

30 days until I pack up my last dorm room ever.
Only 24 of those days are going to be spent in Brockport.
Only 17 of those days are 'normal' college days.
....Panic sets in. 17 days is not nearly enough.

Did I accomplish everything I wanted?
Did I make God's goodness known?
Was I there enough for the ones who love me?
Did I live it up?
Is this really ending?

This is the same feeling of when I traveled to Europe and
did not realize I was there, like really there until three days in.
Life becomes such a normalcy and a... given (?)
that it is way too difficult to comprehend a different way of life.

This happens to me every summer also.
I love home when I am there.
I love school when I am here.
And I love the double-home feeling.
Not a double life, but having two completely separate places
that are completely home to me.

...will I have even one home now?
This post has nothing to do with Nashville.
How could I not be excited for that?
This panic would have happened
just the same in May as it is now.

17 days. What can I accomplish in 17 days?
Should I be accomplishing anything in 17 days?
Should I just enjoy where I have worked up to?
Or should I strive to make everything perfect by the time I leave?

...I feel like I am leaving so many seeds behind.
So many unblossomed works.
That is another bittersweet moment.
Knowing that I have made a difference,
but yet only seeing that difference through facebook
and every so often coffee dates.

I want to make a checklist.

"Things to do in 17 days:
The Capstone of My Brockport Existence"

But God has already done that...

December 3rd "To Write Love On Her Arms" Performance
The Capstone of My Brockport Existence.

This is For Heather

View Larger Map


The future... how much am I allowed to plan?
How much is already planned?
How much greater are the things
God can think of then the things I can think of?
How does he make everything so... sweet tasting?
life. purity. honesty. forgiveness. walking in the light.
we're called. we're called together.
My ministry somehow became our ministry.
His dreams somehow became my dreams.
I want to move to the Carolinas'.


Heather, this ones for you.

Secret Place

"Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Chorus:
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again




Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate"
-Casting Crowns

Restored Vision

I have learned so much these past two weeks.
God has healed me in ways I did not even know possible.
I was forgiven and given so much it is immeasurable.
He used His Word to correct my life.
He used His Grace to empower me.
He used my worship to Heal others.
He used these two weekends to prepare future.
I really should share all that has happened and how grateful I am.
But instead, I just had such a foolish moment.
A pure joy realization.
Simple really, almost non-God related at all.
A thought from Him, but not for Him.
Brace yourself ladies...

Someday I am going to be doing laundry
for a family and I am really excited about that.

Like I said, almost non-God related at all...
but He changed me.
He restored my vision for a family.
A family with a foundation of Love and Righteousness.
A family with a vision to catch fish and make them fishers of men.
"A family" He declares, "is exactly what you deserve"

When I Remember

Sometimes I forget my mother hates my father.
Sometimes I forget people's minds are full of blackmail.
Sometimes I forget there are starving nations when I am dieting.
Sometimes I forget snorting coke is a normalcy at parties nowadays.
Sometimes I forget that since I love Jesus the world is going to reject me.
Sometimes I forget the bottle runs more households than two parents do.
Sometimes I forget there are thousands of girls sold into sex slavery.
Sometimes I forget about the innocent people in prison.
Sometimes I forget that he broke my heart.
Sometimes I forget why I was so confused when he left.
Sometimes I forget about all the vacations that have been ruined.
Sometimes I forget my Brother does not return my phone calls
Sometimes I forget all the pain from my past...

but when I remember...

I can't wait to forget.

October

Dear October,

Did I miss something? Did you really just leave me like that? Are you really gone..? October please, you know how much I love you, don't you? Think of how much fun we have had together...and the memories?? Are you really going to be able to walk away from them, get them out of your mind? Please... don't you understand you are my favorite? October.. I feel lost without you. I let you tear down my walls, I let you in. You showed me how much I have to offer this world and that I am unique, loved and purposed. Now... now, I am left with all this destruction. But, it's a good destruction. You changed me. You somehow led me to be more... me. October, I may not understand- but you gave me a plan... and somehow with or without you I am going to do what it is you showed me. So in a way, I am really mad at you. But then again, you saved my life from dishonorable ways and I am grateful for that.

Yours truly,
Changed Forever

But, she knows it not.

Proverbs 5 (NIV)
"1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
listen well to my words of insight,
² that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
³ For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
⁴ but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
⁵ Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
⁶ She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths are crooked, but she knows it not."


I once learned a way of bible study where you take time
reading one sentence, emphasizing a different word each time.
I can't stop repeating this scripture.... but she knows it not.

*But she knows it not. But, she knows it not.
But she knows it not. But, she knows it not.
But, she knows it not.*


Message bible reads this:
"5 She's dancing down the primrose path to Death;
she's headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.
6 She hasn't a clue about Real Life,
about who she is or where she's going. "


*She has no clue about real life.
She has no clue about who she is.
And she has no clue about where she is going.
and to think... she knows it not.*

Booty, God, Booty

you have to check this out!

http://stuffchristianslike.net/speaking/

Check out the video on the page.

Dress Pants & Page Turners

I flipped through the pages, I couldn't wait to get to the end.
I wanted to hear so badly what he had to say.
Somehow I agreed with it all... very surprising.
I was actually ready to hear what Josh Harris had to say.
((author of 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' & 'Boy Meets Girl'))
I kept saying I was going to stop at the end of each chapter,
but every time I got there,
I just had to see how he started the next chapter.
fascinating. all so fascinating.
Chapter by chapter my heart began to change.
I guess God had prepared me for it without me even noticing it.
After finishing the book my focus changed.
I began to hope that God was also preparing my heart for

the next chapter of my life.

I called Mercy today to ask about the dress code.
Business Casual.
Monday- Thursday Dress pants only (& skirts etc.)
In my immature mind I often laugh at dress pants
being anywhere near causal...
but I guess I'm glad I have never worked a 'business' job.
((without the 'casual' that is))
After hanging up the phone, my heart began to change.
Yeah, so I love college and all.
And yes, it is great to be surrounded
by hundreds of people your own age.
With activities planned just for your benefit, weekends spent
basking in our youth, *living free* and
:::becoming::: who we have always wanted to be.

But I am a.l.r.e.a.d.y that person.
I have turned all the pages I can here.
The story is not over,

but this is the end of a chapter and
I cannot wait to read the beginning of the next!

From the outside...

I started reading the book "Boy meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship" today.
I bought it forever ago, but I was not ready for it then.
I am at least ready to say I was wrong... and I need to do this right this time.
After I finished some chapters I had planned on visiting an old friend
whom is six months pregnant and just found out it is a girl.
To some, this would be disastrous.
She's 21, not married no college degree etc etc..
Before leaving, my step-mother & I went through all of my baby sister's clothes
and gave her three bags worth of beautiful outfits.
I also went and bought some diapers, baby bottle, etc.
I went over to her house thinking I was such a good Christian and friend.
But I started to notice with each baby outfit she opened she was so *joyful*
::it was very ironic::

Neither one of our lifestyles are perfect by any means-
We have both made the same mistakes.
Neither one of us are loved by God any more so...
but the world views us so differently.
One, becoming a harsh statistic in our society but glowing with joy regardless.
And the second, trying to pursue a renewed relationship based on Godly principals and purity and fighting her entire way through it with selfishness and ignorance.

In both situations, God is in control.
In both situations, God is going to get the glory
-yet to others, one looks much better from the outside.
And the other looks like what some people would call a "lost cause"...

I also prayed last night knowing I was going to see her today that maybe (even though I am just an old friend- like seriously middle school old friend) that she would make me Godmother then I could dedicate myself to having this child know and love God.
*I instantly got sick to my stomach*
How selfish of me, thinking I need or I would even want a title to pray for someone, to provide various ways to show Christ in their life... I should be consistently doing that without ANY sense of self or praise needed.

There she was: selfless, kind, hardworking and pregnant.
And here I am: self-centered, rash, but with a cross around my neck.

...I don't know if this post will mean anything to anyone else, or frankly if anyone else will understand it. But the world is so quick to judge. They are so easily fooled by statistics and first glances. Maybe God let me see through His eyes a little tonight, because from my presepective I was the one needing more grace than she. I was the one acting in selfishness and hypocrisy. I was the martha in the kitchen when all Jesus wanted was someone to enjoy His presence.

She was beautiful, glowing and three months away from birthing a baby girl and that is something I would say is *far from* a lost cause. I pray that God will bless this baby and her mother and that I may learn not to assume who is in need of Grace, but let God show me through His eyes.

What they said.

"The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence. The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles. The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change. The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead. The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real. You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story."

-TWLOHA vision

“Hope is a powerful contraceptive. The way that you help young people avoid pregnancy is by providing them with real evidence that good things can happen in their lives.”
-Prevention program in NYC


"Although technology helps soothe this ache at times, I feel that it always leaves me wanting more. More conversation, more information, more feeling, more thought more interaction...just more. Something is missing from these artificial forms of communication. When we attempt to fill the void that we feel inside ourselves with this technology, we are about as successful as a child trying to fill a hole in the sand with water."
-Soul Rebellion
http://thelawlesslyricist.blogspot.com/


"I'd give up the privilege to drink to be 19 again."
-An old High School friend's facebook status today


"It's been fifty years, fifty long years since I've done this. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is the measure of a successful life, then some would say that I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, or stumble and fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination"
- One Tree Hill


"Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone
There's a log on the fire
and it burns like me for you
Tomorrow comes with one desire
to take me away it's true
It ain't easy to say goodbye"
-'Save Tonight' Eagle Eye Cherry


"These days everything is all business
Never in one place for too long
But theres no lack of arms around me
But I still wonder if somewhere I went wrong...
And I'd wish on every star
in the southern sky
for that man and our life
If I did not think that
Maybe I was much to selfish
but baby you're still on my mind
Now I'm grown and alone
and wishin I was with you tonight
'Cause I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee.
Yes, I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee"
-'Tennessee', The Wreckers

today

today I had a really fun lunch date
today I had two meetings
and two other meetings canceled
today I learned nothing in my classes
I didn't 'feel' like praying today
today I did my hair
today I had a caramel apple spice
today I had to turn someone down
that was begging for my help
I have exactly two months from today left in Brockport

today I caught up with an old friend and promised we
would make it a weekly thing
today I felt overweight
...today seemed dull.
it lost its luster somewhere.
I wont be here in two months...
and that's all I can think about today.

today God sent me hope.
tomorrow God will be sending me to my dream job.
today I am being selfish.
I wont be here in two months...
and that's all I can think about today.

today I learned that even the strong cry in the shower.
today the thought of adult life scares me to pieces
this thought has led me to 3 nose bleeds today
I took today for granted
and I can't promise any better for the next today

I didnt know what to tell him today
I wish I could tell him tomorrow

...I have two months left

Ending the 'Fat Talk'

oh, inconsistent me

"Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light"

-Relient K


so all this time I have known I have a wonderful life.
I have people I love & who love me.
I love my school work.
I love the influence I have on this campus.
I love going out & having a good time.
I love sunday morning worship.
I love my life...but not the life God is intending for me to love.

...I figured out the reason I am so 'happy' and 'love' everything is because I am living the life I always wanted... not the life he has planned for me. For as far as I have come, I have not come far enough... This is not a cry of worthlessness but of correction. I need to love the life God has intended for me.. that does not involve all of what the world believes as fun and wonderful.

...uggh.. for so long I had myself fooled this was the good life & God was okay with what I was doing... and for the most part it was- he still sees me as perfection beacuse of the blood of his son, but I can longer justify my sin in His grace..

wow, correction sucks.

An Update

I am going to Mercy Ministries in January to intern until April.

www.mercyministries.com

To Write Love on Her Arms will be presenting on
December 3rd @ The College at Brockport.

www.twloha.com

Jitterbugs is officially selling Caramel Apple Cider now.

(Sam would understand my excitement)

& I finally found the best coffee place in town!

(http://www.lovincup.com)

:::life is good:::

Redemptive Leaves and Idol Pumpkins

"It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from"

- "Let Me Fall" Bethany Joy Lenz (One Tree Hill)

----

The colors of this season make my heart stir.
Even with a simple Ipod & scarf I feel artistic.
I feel unique.
I feel valued.
With just the smell of the season I crave apples and coffee.
Sometimes I selfishly think that God created the autumn season
so I can see the beauty of repentance in the colors of the trees.
Fall is always a tough season, well a challenging season... a redemptive season for me.

&& the sermon this past Sunday ::really:: proved that.
*side note I have come to realize that I have a gifting
(whatever one it is I am not sure yet)
but most times than not I know what the sermon is about
before it takes place. The spirit prepares my heart for it
and my journal is given a quick summary before the pastors speak*
During worship the lyrics read:
"Your love is worth more than life"
... and I stopped, sat down and asked myself... "is it?"

The sermon then went on to speak about the Second Commandment
and how our generation has idols & tries to fit God into our lives.
The Pastor summed it up with some *not all* Christians our age
Love God, Think God is Awesome, would never deny him...
but they get just as excited about God as... their date Friday night.
They get just as excited about their sweet 16 as God,
maybe even their favorite song on the radio...

*ouch* So true for me.
I love me some Jesus.
But I love Ryan and I love Pumpkins and I LoOOove a good Latte...

I thank God he has forgiven me thus far and that he has allowed this autumn to bring redemptive leaves so I can no longer Idolize pumpkins...

paint, rocks, & memories.

im not artistic.
never have been.
whatever we all have our things.
its not one of mine.

however, i can not remember a fall where i was not *covered* in paint.

every year.
every homecoming.
for *eight* years.
i played a significant part in a homecoming.

this is it. this is the final one.

sure i may have kids.
they may or may not be forced into winning that crown...
but its not my homecoming.
*sighh*

i remember junior year, spring play
we were all painting part of the set
and i was covered, *covered* in black paint
i had one of those moments..
the moments that if i had a blog back then
i would have rushed home & told ya'll about.

i knew at that moment i would not be remembered.

i was painting over someone's hard work,
someone's big moment
i was earsing their work of art
and i had no idea who they were
& that same thing i knew was gonna happen to me
there was going to be a point where no one,
no one in my high-school would know my name
& i came to accept that.
((so what if that acceptance came during college))

so.... here i am again...

im alone in the office painting for homecoming
& there will come a point where no one will remember my name.
it could be next semester, maybe next fall.
for most that concept is easy to get over...
but im not most people.
maybe its selfish.
maybe even insecure.
but its how i feel.

i know life will be full of even better things than brockport
just like there was from edison...
but that still doesn't stop me from being sad,
it doesn't stop me from taking a second look around
and wishing i was coming back after december.

Joshua 4:1-7

¹ After all the people had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua,² "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe.³ Tell them to get twelve rocks from the middle of the river, from where the priests stood. Carry the rocks and put them down where you stay tonight."⁴ So Joshua chose one man from each tribe. Then he called the twelve men together⁵ and said to them, "Go out into the river where the Ark of the Lord your God is. Each of you bring back one rock, one for each tribe of Israel, and carry it on your shoulder.⁶ They will be a sign among you. In the future your children will ask you, 'What do these rocks mean?'⁷ Tell them the water stopped flowing in the Jordan when the Ark of the Agreement with the Lord crossed the river. These rocks will always remind the Israelites of this."

...maybe i should *paint* a rock.
then will they remember me?

Our lives; His plans

Psalm 139:13-14
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

----------


It's strange for as busy as I am and for as many as wonderful friends that I need to make more time for, I have been saving time for her.
I look forward to our routine of late nights.
Tonight, as usual, she was sitting across from me on the couch
and asked me to read her essay.
I was reading her story.
She had to write about a significant person, place or thing that influenced her life that was no longer around.
She chose her friend Frank.

I accepted without hesitation.
but then worried if it was going to be too much emotionally for me to read.
Her friend Frank committed suicide this past May and it is a topic she has brought up on several occasions since meeting her in late August.
It was beautiful.
Her soul is beautiful.
The story was surprisingly humorous as it depicted a fun loving guy affected terribly by PTSD from his tours in Afghanistan.
What really got me what the description of the funeral.
She stated most could only utter the words; "I Love you, you son of a bitch"

...wow..

What is it that draws me to stories like this?
What is it that draws me to beautiful young women who know nothing about their true potential in life?
What is it that keeps me writing about them?
These simple moments when I feel the Holy Spirit working, even though from the surface I was only reading a story.
But it was her story.

I, along with a great team, have been working very hard on bringing 'To Write Love on Her Arms' to campus to raise awareness and end the silence of suicide, depression and self-harm.
To learn about the movement go here: www.twloha.com
To learn about our hearts & what we are doing read this: http://thisisryanross.blogspot.com/2009/09/night-of-love.html

"Everyone has a story to be told... Don't let yours be silent"

Being as stubborn as I am I want to know how God creates such moments like these and crafts them as he does... so perfectly and completely intertwined as if each day has a theme.. or each season has a single purpose...

So... God has a plan for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g?
My failures. My successes. My redemption. My purpose. My pains. My past. My love. My existence?

I'd say he does. 1988 was the peak of abortions in America.
To the world I was mistake. I was a night of selfish pleasure.
I could have easily been erased.
But to God.. I was everything... and so was Frank.
God rest his soul.

tomorrow will be better

Joshua 3:5

⁵ Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."

On thursday night I was searching for something, anything that would renew my faith that friday would bring everything Ryan & I both believed it would bring. I was looking for the verse where someone does something when they tell God they refuse to take one step without him when I opened my bible to Joshua 3:5.

PERFECT! I thought. This is from Jesus...life is good... sort of feeling...

Well today was not really all it was suppose to be cracked up to be.
I wont get into a pity me, my dreams did not come true (at least yet)
but the shear pain our nights ended with... just was not what I was expecting... at all.

I cant go into specifics. Unless of course I changed 'names and places' but the world is hurting.
((wow. great kerri tell your audience something they dont know....?))
but my thoughts on these hurts, these downright lies we tell ourselves... these lies we CONVINCE ourselves we believe and DESERVE they will continue forever.
**This is of course unless someone finds their outlet of hope, restoration and unconditional love. **
however for the sake of those who dont find that.... what do they have?

a promise of a better tomorrow....
"well maybe high school wont be this difficult" "well maybe college will be better, thats where everyone figures it out" "No once I have a real job & my own place Ill be fine" "all I need is a husband and I'll be set" "Once we have some kids our family will just fall into place" "when johnny & sarah both are in school we will get our lives back on track" "ill be truly happy & free once the kids are at college" etc...etc...ETC!

why is it when I am "helping someone out" I let them believe this?
This is gonna sound harsh but if you hated each part of your life thus far...
((there is no promise for tomorrow))

...I mean there is. Wait, don't take that in a give up way.

but somthing has to change & I'm not saying it's the person. Like you are the problem & everyone else is okay... but we need to realize the reoccurring themes in our lives. The one line that we hear drilled into our heads, that no matter where we are in life, how happy we may seem, just buckles us at our knees and we surrender.

take it! figure out what that lie is and surrender it to the Lord. everytime you hear those words bringing you down refuse to let evil win....

A better tomorrow is not possible without a better understanding of our weaknesses.
We will just keep falling into the same situations, the same heartaches that none of us deserve to feel!!

---> This isn't about you not being strong enough because you are!
It's about you taking back what is yours in the first place.
Your confidence, your beauty, your mind and your happiness.

Don't think that tomorrow will be better without considering what can be learned from today.

...i guess im rambling... but the world is hurting... and i cant sleep...