Sunday, January 10, 2010

Love Lingers On

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ"
-Galations 1:10
"Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you"
-Genesis 3:16
"What a man desires in unfailing love"
-Proverbs 19:22
"Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst....Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first,  for then I was better off than now.'"
- Hosea 2: 3, 7

I have decided to write about fascination with ex's. 
Here are my disclaimers: Not all young women feel this way;
This is not easy to admit to; and I really hope no one who
reads this takes this the wrong way.

It was summer. Well, it was a few summers. He was charming. I was insecure. We had fun. We went to the drive-in a lot. I don't think I ever liked him for him, more so the fun & complicated-ness of it all. He always told me I deserved better and since then I have found better. This is not me missing him... this is just me admitting that I wish I could break his heart the way he did mine. This is me admitting that when I see him out I laugh louder so he will notice me. This is me admitting I check his facebook once every couple of months just to see if any girl he hooks up with is prettier than me.
Why is it that we [iuse'we'looslybutconfidently] care so much about those in our past? Thankfully since I have found such an amazing guy my heart no longer skips a beat when the previous guy or some others walk by. But I remember that feeling... choked up, clammy hands, constantly playing with my hair. Why did I become so sarcastic? Why was I trying to be so rude yet so irresistible? It was over, I didn't like him but I had this unquenchable need for him to still like me. Why do we care what they think? Why do we care what they are up to, who they see and how they still feel about us? What is that soul-tie that lets love linger on.

I believe it has something to do with our need for drama. A story to tell, a mouse to be chased, a run to be won. I am soooooooo thankful I do not live this way anymore- it was exhausting. I know I am a new creation in Christ and I have matured a bit with my age but I wonder what it really was that changed this? I know this though, it is not all  gone.

I saw him out last night and he decided my best friend was his chase for the night. It hurt. I know she is beautiful and I know I am beautiful. I know he is not what I want or what she wants. It just hurt my ego- to be honest. Why did he have to pick her? Why not me? But then again why me? I love Ryan- I should not want to be wanted by another man. *sigh* So there is the struggle. The constant desire to be desired yet knowing that you deserve better and in this case already have better.

For anyone dealing with this I suggest the book: Captivating. Granted I suggest Captivating for almost every struggle. haha. But it gives a real biblical and true women look into this desire. *And all I am saying is that I am a work in progress.

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