September

Today a man I don't know looked me right in the eyes and said, "you'll know when he is the one". I welled up with tears, of course that's what every girl wants to hear but... I needed to hear it. I am thankful he was willing to speak what God told him.

September this year, although full of apple cider and knit scarfs I am sure, will be yet again a September I will feel my heart break. It will be a time when the only one around who understands my heart is the God who created it. I know, I already know There will be days where I will run and hide from the world. Just to breathe. And to cry. To release all that it is I feel.

I am aching for routine. I need the distraction. I need the forward motion. I want God in every aspect of my life. I don't want to hide anymore. I want Him to save me. September will bring healing, I am sure of it.

Every fall brings me into a new time of being more of the woman God calls me to. I has a bad habit of living how I want to in the summer and crawling back to Jesus in the fall. He accepts me, of course, but is my worship genuine when I don't obey?

"If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands." John 14: 15

"Whoever says, I know Him [I perceive, recognize, understand, and am acquainted with Him] but fails to keep and obey His commandments (teachings) is a liar, and the Truth [of the Gospel] is not in him."
1 John 2: 4

Alas I hold true to what my heart is sure of "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

September. Repentance. A turning back to the Lord. A renewing. That's what my hope is. I'm not worried about who my husband is, I just want to stand firm in knowing who he isn't.

Hold my Heart

I've built my entire life on this one idea; God is our only hope.
Almost everyday I believe this with everything I have.
And then there are the days, I'd rather seek comfort in what is physically in front of me.
Last night I was lost, thoughts swirling in every direction.
I just wanted to sleep, but settle my mind or my heart was beyond possible.
I tossed, I turned, I cried, I prayed, I reminisced and I daydreamed.
The one common theme, everything is banking on the fact that God is our creator, Savoir, and lover. Otherwise my life is foolish. Nothing of substance.
And then it happened. He answered my biggest prayer.
He heard me and He answered right then and there.
My heart is thankful.
Today I choose to be thankful that at least for right now this prayer is fulfilled.
Relationships are difficult and can change by the second.
Human interaction is so delicate, and we are anything but cautious.
We just do. We do what "feels" right, we do what "hurts" less.
We go, we do, and we don't stop, think, feel and respond.
Responding would indicate that there was a moment of reflection before action, and who has time for that?

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart."

-Tenth Avenue North 

Driving through My Thoughts

If a tree falls in a forrest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make noise? If a man loves a woman but tells no one that he does, does he still love her?

Months ago I posted a compelling question if failure was not an option what you do? I found it so intriguing. I wanted to know what worry had been holding us back from. What dreams have been chocked by fear and insecurities. Driving around the US today with a dear friend I wonder, what would I do if money wasn't a variable. Surely life would be different. Perhaps more free, perhaps more uptight? I more so than ever believe I have separated myself from the idea of things, 'necessities', happiness based on others and admiration.

But alas, I was hit today with a bad financial hit. Unexpected and somewhat personal. Sigh. Nothing hits like a financial burden. So says the girl who has never lost a loved one. And so says the girl who lives like an American, enough said.

This morning I was in Nebraska, tomorrow I will be in my hometown in upstate New York. We covered a lot of ground and my mind covered a lot of territory. I've been thinking about how nothing completes me but God, honestly nothing. I've been thinking about the hope needed in Rochester. I've been thinking about how many more weddings I may be in as my friends find life partners. I was thinking about friendship and what really characterizes it? Keeping in contact, understanding the other, or entertainment. I was thinking about the career I chose and what sacrifices that really takes.

I have not answered a phone call all week. I'm not sure why. No particular reason. I didn't think I needed such a strict break from the daily. Maybe I'm finally sorting out all these thoughts in my mind that constantly drive around, maybe these thoughts need a new driver. And not such an idle leader.

How is it money can change so much. I believe love, grace, and justice are what changes the world for the perfection it was created for. And I just see these ideals (characteristics of Gods) being so tainted by monetary exchange .. And the lack therefore of.

As for the tree, yes it sounds, how arrogant of us to think that nature does not exist except when we, imperfect humans, notice it. In that case our whole earth would be striped of beauty. As for the heart of man... Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Acts 20:24 Continued

On June 1st I wrote about what I now believe to be my heart cry, my 'life' verse perhaps. After rereading the post I completely agree with what I wrote, but I wonder why I wrote about just that when I now feel so much more about that scripture. The first day that scripture really hit my heart I wrote out what you see here. It is kind of my personal interpretation of the scripture, really 'sending home' what that scriptures means for me and my life.

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; 

my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus 

has given me the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.^"

For the first time in a long time I feel conviction again. For my many readers who don't know the Lord in this way, what I am experiencing is a slap in the face 'oh righhhtttt, that's not of God, why I am still doing it' moment. Conviction does not lead to guilt or self-loathing, rather it leads to behavioral change and freedom in knowing I am not a slave to my sin. ((slowly read the next scripture))

^{Romans 7: 14- 20  "}We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

So this struggle is no new thing, it is not just me, it has always been and will be until Jesus returns for His promised Bride. But my ONLY AIM is to Love the Lord and testify of His grace. So why then, why am I living as if I don't need Him? Why am I not spending more than 20 minutes in His word? Why am I not worshiping while I listen to the radio, instead of just ..listening.. to the music. Why, I guess is the wrong question, the question is how can I consistently come to a place where I can come back on track for when I begin "doing what I don't want to do", what will remind me I do have an aim in life that calls me to surrender a lot more than some Sunday mornings. 

I WANT to see salvation, I WANT to see freedom rule in the people I love lives, I WANT some girl entering Brockport as a freshman meet the Lord like I did. I WANT to take these girls to Kingdom bound and have them EXPERIENCE the Lord, like I did in Middle School. I WANT to have peace rule my family and not pain. I WANT to have a Godly relationship with a guy that honors me as a promised daughter of God. 

Conviction, a reminder that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, but sin can distance what I feel of his presence. Why would I allow anything to do that... anything.

Faith; It's what I got.

This last week has been one of my best weeks I can remember for my heart. Big worries have just fallen into place, money literally fell out of the sky, and I felt so loved.

I can tell you what I don't have. I don't have goals. I don't have self control. I don't have money to spend Iike I do. I don't have my priorities straight. I don't have many scriptures memorized. I don't know who said what about what and how God saved everyone. I don't have the knowledge of why God chose for life to be this way or why there is an enemy who literally fights for our attention and eternal place. I don't.

But what I have is faith. I just do. I walked into the worship room tonight and God was here, He is here. He held my hand and asked how I enjoyed my week. I felt my soul lift, I felt the worries fade, I felt the faith I have so long proclaimed. I have the peace He promises, I have the path He has laid before me and I have entire city full of youth searching for the love of God. What I have is Him and the chance to show them He is real, He is the King.

And I don't say that lightly. He is the King, what He says goes. That's where my faith lies. I don't have the facts... Simply because my heart speaks for me. I love Him and I don't have to know why things are why they are, I just must follow my King, my love.

Faith; It's what I got.

I feel like the one losing

When there is no joy to your holiday, fireworks just sound like gunshots. 
Emo as it is, that's how I feel.
Another holiday wasted.


This constant chaos of life, how come it never stops?
Why do we struggle to love, yet so easily hate?


Most days I am fine, more than fine, I am absolutely wonderful.
But then, there are nights like these where my skin itches with irritation, I'm bitter to the core and I don't know any better way to release the frustration than to bang on these keys. Yes, I spent time with God, and yes, I cried it out.... but I'm still upset, I'm still... I'm just at a loss. 


The sky illuminates with colors and the boom fills my house, but my hearts so empty, my head so heavy. I have no desire to enjoy it. I cry out to the God I love and He does comfort me, He does. But I still don't get it, I still hurt. 


Most days I am able to give 110% of myself away and I love that, absolutely thrive on it, but I stopped giving to the ones so close to me. It's easier to give to strangers who don't know your wounds, who don't know how to crush you with their words, they don't know your weaknesses. They just know you help, they know you care. So I give and it completes me.


It's those who know, who drain me. The ones who arrogantly take my faithfulness and run it through the grind. Its the ones who take everything I say and twist it to work for their point. It's them who hurt me... 


I hear God whisper, "forgive, for I have forgiven you. Let go for I have enabled you to. Bless for I have blessed you. Honor, for it is a commandment"  

"They don't know what they've been doing

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losing, oh no

Why do we think that hate's gonna change the heart

We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought

Pride won't let us lay weapons on the ground

We build our bridges up but just to burn them down

We think pain is owed an apology and then it'll stop

Truth be told it doesn't matter if we're sorry or not

Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound

Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

'Oh Father won't You forgive them"

-Tenth Avenue North 

and so we just cried

Less than an hour ago I sat on my roommates ultra comfy bed and poured out my heart, half in tears, repeating the sentence "You know what I mean?" about a dozen times. We were both playing around with our cat throughout the conversation and at one point the cat scratched the back of my fore arm in one of those appears-more-as-time-goes-on ways. It is now pulsating and stinging just ever so often. Most people don't know that I hate scratches and cuts on my arm. It's just too real. I guess that's mainly because most people don't know how close I became to becoming a cutter. I say this for no emotional effect, its just a fact. Before I could truly say I knew God as my resting place, I needed a release. I needed SOMETHING to attach myself to when I seemed so out of control. I hit my one and only rough patch my Junior year of college. I now jokingly, and mainly seriously, refer to it as my "two weeks of hell". I was so out of it those weeks, I cried to anyone who would listen, I didn't understand the fog I was in, but I KNEW I was in it. I'll never forget the moment I convinced myself to walk down two flights of stairs to then unlock the Resident Assistant office, to then search through the desk for the sharpest pair of scissors. Its like I was thinking so precisely and yet not thinking at all, all at the same time. Thankfully, I never brought myself to the act. I instead ran for my Bible, held it to my chest and balled like a baby. Never opened it, didn't even pray out loud. Just laid in bed and cried. All to the Glory of my God I've never felt that type of darkness since.

As Carey and I sat on her bed today we both shared stories of grief and happiness. We've both heard so much and we FEEL SO much. The only words I could muster up to explain it was if somber was a physical state of being I have been it this week. Every night I have cried about something. Not a pity party, not depression, a genuine compassion for the pain in this world. It's like the ever gentle stinging from this scratch on my arm, if I wanted to, I could ignore it and forget about it, but if I close my eyes and take a breath-- I feel it and it doesn't overwhelm me, it just awakes me to the ache of pain.

So many stories swirl through my mind of broken hearts, lost lives, and utter darkness. My chest feels as if a small child is resting upon it day by day. The extra weight does not make me any less capable of living my life but it more so drives me to love always and more well. At certain points it takes my breath away completely but my God is faithful and He is strong, He uplifts me, He alone keeps me standing. (Psalm 18&91)

Carey jokes at how crazy we must seem. Two girls crying on her bed, surrounded by a beautiful apartment that inhabits useless items we simply enjoy so we bought them without second guessing, and an orange cat who sadly probably receives more love and nourishment than God knows how many children in this world. I wouldn't say we are heartbroken, but we are broken, we are undone before our God who knows of everyone's pain and joys (Isaiah 55:9)

We have no answers, we barely understand this concept of life and how it balances beauty and tragedy so angelically. We just know that there are points where the only release we know is to sit on our beds and cry, for the mere act of releasing some genuine compassion into the atmosphere that we pray impacts someone, somewhere who needs it.

Acts 20:24

I have never been so lost, yet I have never been so found.

Each day I am discovering new ways of living that I never even considered before.

My mind has been opened to new opportunities that really change everything.

I want things I have never wanted before, and I have distanced myself from what I have always known.

There is a way to detach from our media-obsessed, self-serving culture. 

I must choose to not be comfortable. 

To allow my life to be lost in a sea of doing what feels good and serving my own needs.

Last night the thought hit me "I worship the god of convenience, and I worship God when it is convenient"

--wow-- I don't want my life to look like that. I don't want to waste my time... I don't want a house with more rooms than people, its just unnecessary. 

And I'm not mad at those who have it. And I don't think myself better for not wanting it, nor them for having it. I just know its not what I want. I know its dangerous to pray the way I am about to pray but God, make me uncomfortable. If to love is to sacrifice, then have it all Lord. Break me. I don't want to be known as the young woman with nice dresses, I want to be unknown. I want to have just enough and love rightly.

Please know readers, I speak much deeper than money-- although that's where our minds go so quickly because that is the highest treasure we have on earth. I pray for so much more. I want my thoughts to be fixated on loving others rightly. I want to honor God's requests of me including when He called me to pray throughout the night  that I have "conveniently" have refused to do. But when it's God there is no guilt. I am not upset, I am not down on myself, I am excited, I am looking forward to the day i can look back and say 'ah yes, that is when everything changed'

It's just good to remember that in Him I am found. That my heart can be lost but truly hidden in Him. And that I die to live. (Colossians 2:9-10, Philippians 1:21) 

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; 

my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus 

has given me the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.^"

,

Love Letter: to him

When I felt unlovable, he was there.
When I felt unlovable, He spoke truth.
When I needed a break, he answered my call.
When I needed a break, He answered my cries.
When I wanted to celebrate, he was ready to go.
When I needed to celebrate, He was already rejoicing.
When I was learning how to love me again, he loved me through it.
He originally taught me how to love myself by continually loving me unconditionally.
he is fickle.
He is my solid anchor.
he is always available.
He was here before time and has promised a return.

Can't you see how I would mix the two?
Can't you see how love can be deceiving?
To know someone completely, to love them even more for their faults, and to be dedicated to them, that is love.
But I am told and I truly believe I must choose only one man to continue my future with. You'd think the choice was easy, but it is not always. Somedays I chose Him, and others-- when my day comes to a close -- my every being wants to be near him. I know it doesn't make sense to everyone but I do love him. I cherish him and the time we spend together. For making me feel beautiful. For keeping me grounded. For staying interested in my life. For actually enjoying my jokes. For spoiling me. For knowing more about random facts of life than I will ever read in life. For allowing me to cry in his arms. For not judging me. For choosing me. For being him even when he is scared that is not enough.

Me leaving has NOTHING to do with how I feel about him or who he is. But it has everything to do with Him. He is my everything and until He is for him, he can't be anything for me.

This love letter declares my release of the fear of being vulnerable. I let go of shame. I met him when I was 17 and I have never changed my mind about him. Call me crazy, call me creepy-- regardless I have to let you know I am not afraid of my emotions. I will not hide them. I also will not live by them, knowing God is jealous for my heart. But hiding how I feel is not the answer either.

At the end of the day I have two choices. Do what I want or wait for God's best. [[The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?... You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.]] Jeremiah 17:9&29:13

This is a love letter to him, but it does not change that I choose Him.

Dear Nathanial: Because I'm Not Scared Anymore.

((wait, wait all readers do me a favor because I am not tech savy enough to know how to do this. So let's be ghetto. Please open a seperate tab and go to youtube.com Once there please type in "Jason Mraz: I wont give up" For dramatic effect play this song as you read. Much appreciation, Above All Else))

One of our biggest fears as women is that someone will get to know the real us and not like us anymore. We do eveyrthing we can to hide the real us. Change our style of clothing, wear more makeup, hang out with certain people, get another degree, sit a bar, join a church group. We fill our lives with things, stuff, uncertainty, fakeness and ignoring our inner desire to be loved for the real us. Now I could go on about this subject for hours, I could quote from dozens of books that remind our souls we are worth it, that our beauty is not taken for granted, that we are loved beyond a love we can comprehend-- but tonight I am writing from less of an inspirational point and more from my unexposed heart. I am writing to let Nathanial know that I did not know our friendship would allow me to experience this love in such a raw way. So here it goes, because I am not afraid to let the world know how I feel.

Dear Nathanial,
If I knew how to sing I'd pull out a guitar and make this whole thing rhyme. But you know me-- I'm a lyrics girl and frankly a song won't do. You have received numerous letters from me in the past.. let's not get into how old some of those notes are... but they've always been in private. I've never been able to just say how I feel about you, how much I enjoy you, how much I believe in you without worrying about who might hear or what they might think. Never. So this is my apology. I am sorry for making you feel like you were something that needed to be hidden, when all you did for me was get me to understand how much of a treasure I am. Never once in our friendship have you contradicted your feelings towards me in your words. You've always been honest about how your were feeling and what my presence in your life was doing for your heart and eagerness to be whole. And I owe you the same.
Nathanial, I love who you are. Not who you are going to be or what you portray to this person or that person. But the underneath it all- you. The you you are when we take spontaneous road trips or stay up until 4am making hand puppets on the wall. I love that you have been willing to face some of your biggest fears this year, including your thoughts towards God and all that that entails. You are loyal to your core. Have you messed up? Sure. Have you broken a few hearts along the way. Absolutely. But I have had the unique opportunity to watch you actually grow from these experiences this year instead of closing yourself up like so many young men your age do. You chose to understand why you have been rebellious and why you seek comfort the way you do. You chose to begin fighting this battle. And although I don't think you'll ever conquer without making God your all in all, I am blessed to have just seen your mindset change. From being the problem to refusing to let it contaminate your life anymore.
I also wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sticking by me when a lot of others ran out. Thank you for sitting with me through long nights, lots of tears, and unnecessary drama that others never had the chance of knowing took place because they didn't make it their life mission like you did to ask me how I was and what you could do for help. Thank you for never letting me believe I am not good enough... for anything. Even in signing, when everyone else in the world knows I am no good at that. Thank you for consistently pushing me back towards the God I love so dearly even when it hurts you to know you cannot fulfill my needs. Thank you for taking me to fancy restaurants and letting me chatter endlessly about my life theories. Thank you for driving me to our hometown even when it completely inconveniences your weekend. Thank you for making me feel beautiful... it means a lot.
I wish I knew what was coming in our future or how to make us both happy without someone compromising. I wish I had the answers your phone call today made me want to have. But I simply don't. All I know is I am not ashamed to let everyone know how amazing I think you are and how dear you have been to my heart this past year. Granted, it won't be like this forever, or even much longer, and I get that but you deserve better recognition than I have been giving you. You don't deserve to be hidden. And I love just the fact that you even settled for letting me do that so selfishly.
So to us, to the absolutely confusing age of 23, to the fact I needed to blog this out to feel better, to the God I so want to honor with everything I have, to not being ashamed of my real feelings anymore--- here is my heart, this is the real me. Do with it what you will.
Respectfully and Sincerely yours,
Miss. Phillips

let's throw rocks at bigger rocks...

There are few times in my life I can remember being so on-edge, so happy yet so constantly frustrated. I know it doesn't make sense... the two extremes, combined. All the time. But that is how I feel.

Yesterday I needed release badly that I drove to a local park and threw rocks at other rather large rocks just to :::release::: Whatever it was I needed out, I think I got it out. I smashed rock after rock until I crumbled to the grass and just cried. ...sounds dramatic doesn't it? But that's what it is. That's how I feel. Even my outfit didn't make sense. I threw on a Brockport hoodie as exiting the car which meshed so well with my black heels right? You may not see the symbolism but I do.

Rock after rock I yelled out every contradiction that I have been holding in lately. Like the day I went to my favorite mall and could not stop thinking about the socio-economic depravity there is in our very own city, but I still shopped-- yet my heart ached for justice. Or the fact that cashiers ask me 'how are you' more than my friends do lately. The fact that I pledged my life to God and his plan and promised him nothing would come between us, yet right there watching me throw the rocks was the only person I swear that could get me to take that promise back.

People, for good reason, keep asking me 'what is it you want'. What is it that I want?! I want both things that I want to be in harmony. I want Him and him. I want to not feel like a complete failure and fully loved at the same time. I WANT to throw this rock... thats what I want...

What I am SO grateful for though, is the people God has brought along side me for literally "such a time as this". I feel like the only thing more I could have done to reach out for community was get a tattoo on my face. And still most of my attempts fell silent, 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN' I want to scream, but instead God has said "Let me show you.. I have new things for you, new blessings for you, new grace for you, new adventures for you--- behold I make ALL THINGS NEW" He says. All things new. For you.

What a Easter this has been. I did everything I could to be unconventional, I mean let's be honest Jesus' sacrifice is something to be appreciated and celebrated >>>everyday<<< and yes, if you think I am judging you-- maybe I am. But its only out of a heart that wants you to KNOW that God passionately awaits your company EVERYDAY. He is so available. I don't know what makes the difference for people-- from them not being able to "hear Him" to then seeing Him in everyday life. I know part of it is a choice, another part favor, but possibly there is another element. What is it that I can SEE Him in everyday moments and you can't even see Him move in the biggest of ways?? ((another contradiction that makes me want to throw rocks))

My heart is divided to say the least. But I swear its pure. It is both bitter and grateful. It is in a season of change, but it is also staying exactly the same. God is making me new, but I am coming apart in the mean time and until I am put together again I believe I will just continue to throw rocks at bigger rocks.

Love Letter: Undeliverable

I love the Lord, I swear that I do-- but sometimes it feels like my love letters may be lost in transit or I never even truly wrote one and am only pulling on past experiences I had with the Lord instead of starting fresh everyday and receiving more of Him. Renewing my faith and giving Him my LIFE daily. I choose to lean into you. To press into you. No matter how much I do or don't feel you. No matter how many people at the coffeeshop stare at me. I will connect with you. I will bring my brokenness to you. I will let your face of love shine on me. 

"I lean not on my own understanding
My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven
I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain ((with my hands wide open))
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to

I am so in love with you

There's is no one else for me

I am so in love with you
There's is no one else for me 

I am so in love with you
There's is no one else for me" 

- Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band 

Psalm 34:17 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;

he delivers them from all their troubles."  

My Love Letter is never undeliverable. He always hears me.

Love Letter

"Thank You for Your death and resurrection
Thank You for the power of Your blood
I am overwhelmed by Your affection
The Kindness and the Greatness of Your Love
The Kindness and the Greatness of Your Love

Now nothing is holding me back from You
Redeemer of my soul
Now nothing can hold me back from You
Your Love will--never--let--me--go

Jesus, You make all things new

Thank You that we’re living in Your Kingdom
Jesus You’re the King upon the throne
Thank You for the way You always love me
Now I get to love You in return
Now I get to love You in return"

- Bryan and Katie Torwalt

Deuteronomy 6:5 "You shall love the LORD your God with all 

your heart and with all your soul and with all your might."

It's not a suggestion, it's a command.

When the Coffeeshop Closes Early

Five days ago I posted an inspiring post about taking risks and going to the coffeeshop to just be me. I wrote these words "I have chosen to let go, I have chosen to take that little step of faith, I am breathing slowly and striking up random conversations again. I am ready to accepted, I am ready to be rejected, I am ready to fall and I ready to pick myself up. Its almost like I want to scream it out: Watch out world here I come again!" 

So in the last five days I have introduced myself to 12 Christians my age, been rejected/ignored by 7 of them. For the biggest event of the year for my job I had 80% of my girls no show. I sent an email to a guy taking a chance, we'll say, and he never responded. I went to a coffeeshop again tonight to relive my *me* moment and the coffeeshop was closing early that particular night. I lit every candle in the house awaiting a friend to show tonight and after she cancelled I spilled the wax on my roommates couch. 

So here is the question: What do you do when the coffeeshop closes early? When the guy doesn't like you? When your friends find something better to do? 

You know me, I gotta write about the real stuff, not just the nice things. I mean this is real life. Sometimes we get hurt, so the questions remains what do you do? I mean here I am trying to take risks, love me, and connect with my soul again. I don't want to work hard at this, I just want to 'be'... if that makes sense to anyone.

And you'd think, you'd think I would be upset. But honestly, I am not. THAT'S THE COOLEST PART.  When you are okay with you- its okay when others don't worship the ground you walk on, and/or respond to your attempts. It's okay when you make an honest mistake of dropping wax, --- and you know, you can always take the Chai to go when the coffeeshop closes.

Where did this come from you ask? Was it not just a month ago I wrote about recognizing that I did not love myself? Well depends on what you think of this, of course, One Tree Hill quote: "You ever wonder how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life altering? Is it four years like high school, one year, an eight week rock tour? Can your life change in a month, or a week or a single day? We're always in a hurry to grow up, to go places, to get ahead. But when you're young, one hour can change everything."

--->So here is to taking it hour by hour<---- Here is to God and all the great things he can do in my heart. Here is to not letting a few no's keep me from a possible yes. Here is taking the time to pay attention to your heart and being intentional about taking care of it. Here is to being me, no matter what.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life... For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander...The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks...A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes" [[Proverbs 4:23; Proverbs 15:13; Luke 6:45; Matthew 15:19]]

--Watch out World!--

"And Hansel said to Gretal: Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and --remember the person you were meant to be-- The person you wanted to be. The person you are.” (One Tree Hill)

.being who you are.

.feeling what you feel. 

.loving you for you.

.doing what makes your soul happy.

.being vulnerable.

.opening up.

.showing your true colors.

.tasking risks.

.and falling in love.

There is so much in those simple sentences. How can it be those are some of the hardest things to be. --now lets not forget I am talking about first world problems, things after we have achieved success and comfortableness that sneak their way up-- I use to be so me. I use to be so free. Loving. Passionate. And I found a true connection once I started working, I stopped being.

I wrote about this another time but now its not just about ministry. Its about the coffeeshop. Tonight is the first time I have sat at a coffeeshop in such a long time and just been me. Simple I know, but it means so much to me. 

I have been so shutoff this past year. You may not have noticed- but my heart did. And it is nothing to be mad about, it worked for awhile, I think I needed it. But now, now I need to stop working at ministry and be with God. I need to stop just working at a coffeeshop and sit at one. I need to open up, take risks, and fall in love---with me that is! These things sound cliche, but they are not. I truly mean them. 

Chai has never tasted so good before tonight, and ice skating Friday never felt so free, and I never felt so at home doing dishes. I have chosen to let go, I have chosen to take that little step of faith, I am breathing slowly and striking up random conversations again. I am ready to accepted, I am ready to rejected, I am ready to fall and I ready to pick myself up. Its almost like I want to scream it out "Watch out world here I come again!"

And let me tell you this, if you don't understand this blog--- you have probably stopped asking me how I really am this year and I don't blame you. Life gets the best of us doesn't it? One day you can be best friends, and the next you didn't know they have been struggling with losing a relative. Or literally a week can pass without a thought of calling your family. 

What a world we live in that constantly takes our hearts away from what truly matters. And that my friends goes way beyond loving yourself, but we will that for another blog night. Because believe me I plan to sipping on some more chai's very soon.

21 facts you'll -NevEr- need to know.

I am copying this idea from a fellow blogger. I remember doing it back in my RA days on 3am desk nights but here is another one: 

21 facts you’ll -NevEr- need to know about me

1.      I spelled the word ‘said’ like this ‘siad’ until my sophomore year of high-school.

2.      I love anything wicker. Baskets, chairs, dressers. Yet in houses they never seem to match

3.      I have rebought the same pair of shoes since freshman year of high-school. Each two years I get a new pair of same ol 'kicks'.

4.      I can never find red velvet cake like my great grandma’s anymore. It tasted so rich yet so fake so I actually hate all red velvet now

5.      Every couple of months I will go through all my facebook pictures just to remember how much fun I have had over the years

6.      The fourth grade was the first time feeling embarrassed

7.      I want a really small house so love fills it instead of stuff

8.      Hosting parties is always more exciting than going to parties. Always.

9.      I still dream about living in Nashville, basically living at a coffeeshop burying myself in books about God’s grace and having a matching scarf for every outfit

10.  I have never once remembered a relatives birthday outside of my immediate family

11.  I don’t find butterflies pretty

12.  I own six boxes of greeting cards and send maybe one card a month

13.  I actually got three anonymous shout outs in my college newspaper for doing random acts of kindness

14.  The only place in the house I ever notice is dirty and clean about every other day is the bathroom sink

15. I make 8 swipes on each eye, for mascara every morning.

16.  Techno makes me work efficiently.

17.  I have never broken, sprained or stitched anything

18.  I can’t give blood because I had Mono when I was 16

19.  I lost a friendship bracelet in a hotel swimming pool and actual found it the next day

20.  I wish I could go hiking for a weekend trip, but I am too scared to show that I am actually out of shape

21.  Good morning texts mean more to me than birthday presents

Much Love. 

Above all else: Love

Isaac, I am Sorry

I didn't wait for you. 

But God said he'd still bless you.(Genesis 17:19)

I am sorry I failed you.

But Jesus died for me when I was yet a sinner. (John 3:16)

I don't really know if I believe in you. 

But God says He'll never give up on me, or us. (1 Corinthians 13:7)

I somehow still believe that I am not good enough.

But God spoke sweet words over me. (Jeremiah 31:3)

I am not sure where to go from here.

But God says He has a plan. (Jeremiah 29:11) 

I am unsure if I am allowed to still meet you.

But God says He will never stop doing good to me. (Jeremiah 32:40)

I am not sure if I am worthy of love.

But God wrote that I will never stopped being loved. (John 17:23)

I sit here at worship, scared that God will not show me his face

But God reminds me I will find Him if I seek Him with all my heart. (Deut. 4:29)

I no longer dare to dream because I await my Ishmael.

But God said I can have you* if I delight in Him (Psalm 37:4)

I don't really know how to ask for forgiveness.

But God says He will cleanse me if I just ask Him to. (1 John 1:9)

Isaac... God... heart... love... her*, I am sorry. 
Forgive me.