Tuesday, February 7, 2012

"but have not love, I am nothing"

A lot has happened in the past week.
Nothing tragic, nothing magical... just a lot.
My heart is struggling with so many questions that I thought I had long since answered.
One main thing is I offcially feel inadequate in all areas of life.
If one day I am doing great at my job, I am suffering socially.
If I am being a great friend, I am being a negligent daughter.
Its. just. never. good. enough.
It has nothing to do with anyone but -me-
this [[[b.o.x]]] I put myself in.,
These u.n.a.t.t.a.i.n.a.b.l.e expectations I put on myself... I am past the point of caring where they came from and just want them gone. 

For example, last weekend. I kind of doubled booked. There was a church event I knew I could.not.miss. but I also had plans with a friend who I have not seen in awhile. Once at church, God had some work he wanted to do ya know... and I ended up standing her up. It's like.. I can't win. And I am not looking for pity. I am looking for God's grace honestly. His direction. Lord...show me where to honestly put my energy, I am not doing so hot at this.

It''s like last year I have learned how to be a lot of things: Social Worker, Leader, Woman of Faith, On my own... but somehow though I lost track of two things: How to be a genuine friend and how to love myself. "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." ((1 Corinthians 13:2)) And I promise you those were two things that I never had to work for. Having, making, keeping and appreciating friends was an expertise of mine. And loving, caring and appreciating myself was my top quality... or so I thought.

This change in me deserves some good processing and prayer. I am not as concerned with how or why I stopped loving my neighbor rightfully. But it is kind of ironic because I was "Loving [my] neighbor as [my]self" ((Mark 12:31)) I just unfortunately stopped loving myself.

-->wow<-- try writing that sentence out. Stopped. Loving. Myself. In the midst of all my success, in the midst of my accomplishments, blessings, dreams come true- I stopped loving myself. "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" ((Mark 8:36). I am reading "Strengthening the Soul of your Leadership" ((Ruth Haley Barton)) and it covers this very topic and I did seek out -->fabulous<--  Christian Counseling, so I am definitely on the up and up. But, I guess I had to admit where I was- to myself mainly- before I could get to where I am going. 
“Few are those who see with their own eyes and
feel with their own hearts." -Albert Einstein

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