"And Hansel said to Gretal: Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and --remember the person you were meant to be-- The person you wanted to be. The person you are.” (One Tree Hill)
.being who you are.
.feeling what you feel.
.loving you for you.
.doing what makes your soul happy.
.showing your true colors.
.and falling in love.
There is so much in those simple sentences. How can it be those are some of the hardest things to be. --now lets not forget I am talking about first world problems, things after we have achieved success and comfortableness that sneak their way up-- I use to be so me. I use to be so free. Loving. Passionate. And I found a true connection once I started working, I stopped being.
I wrote about this another time but now its not just about ministry. Its about the coffeeshop. Tonight is the first time I have sat at a coffeeshop in such a long time and just been me. Simple I know, but it means so much to me.
I have been so shutoff this past year. You may not have noticed- but my heart did. And it is nothing to be mad about, it worked for awhile, I think I needed it. But now, now I need to stop working at ministry and be with God. I need to stop just working at a coffeeshop and sit at one. I need to open up, take risks, and fall in love---with me that is! These things sound cliche, but they are not. I truly mean them.
Chai has never tasted so good before tonight, and ice skating Friday never felt so free, and I never felt so at home doing dishes. I have chosen to let go, I have chosen to take that little step of faith, I am breathing slowly and striking up random conversations again. I am ready to accepted, I am ready to rejected, I am ready to fall and I ready to pick myself up. Its almost like I want to scream it out "Watch out world here I come again!"
And let me tell you this, if you don't understand this blog--- you have probably stopped asking me how I really am this year and I don't blame you. Life gets the best of us doesn't it? One day you can be best friends, and the next you didn't know they have been struggling with losing a relative. Or literally a week can pass without a thought of calling your family.
What a world we live in that constantly takes our hearts away from what truly matters. And that my friends goes way beyond loving yourself, but we will that for another blog night. Because believe me I plan to sipping on some more chai's very soon.