There are few times in my life I can remember being so on-edge, so happy yet so constantly frustrated. I know it doesn't make sense... the two extremes, combined. All the time. But that is how I feel.
Yesterday I needed release badly that I drove to a local park and threw rocks at other rather large rocks just to :::release::: Whatever it was I needed out, I think I got it out. I smashed rock after rock until I crumbled to the grass and just cried. ...sounds dramatic doesn't it? But that's what it is. That's how I feel. Even my outfit didn't make sense. I threw on a Brockport hoodie as exiting the car which meshed so well with my black heels right? You may not see the symbolism but I do.
Rock after rock I yelled out every contradiction that I have been holding in lately. Like the day I went to my favorite mall and could not stop thinking about the socio-economic depravity there is in our very own city, but I still shopped-- yet my heart ached for justice. Or the fact that cashiers ask me 'how are you' more than my friends do lately. The fact that I pledged my life to God and his plan and promised him nothing would come between us, yet right there watching me throw the rocks was the only person I swear that could get me to take that promise back.
People, for good reason, keep asking me 'what is it you want'. What is it that I want?! I want both things that I want to be in harmony. I want Him and him. I want to not feel like a complete failure and fully loved at the same time. I WANT to throw this rock... thats what I want...
What I am SO grateful for though, is the people God has brought along side me for literally "such a time as this". I feel like the only thing more I could have done to reach out for community was get a tattoo on my face. And still most of my attempts fell silent, 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN' I want to scream, but instead God has said "Let me show you.. I have new things for you, new blessings for you, new grace for you, new adventures for you--- behold I make ALL THINGS NEW" He says. All things new. For you.
What a Easter this has been. I did everything I could to be unconventional, I mean let's be honest Jesus' sacrifice is something to be appreciated and celebrated >>>everyday<<< and yes, if you think I am judging you-- maybe I am. But its only out of a heart that wants you to KNOW that God passionately awaits your company EVERYDAY. He is so available. I don't know what makes the difference for people-- from them not being able to "hear Him" to then seeing Him in everyday life. I know part of it is a choice, another part favor, but possibly there is another element. What is it that I can SEE Him in everyday moments and you can't even see Him move in the biggest of ways?? ((another contradiction that makes me want to throw rocks))
My heart is divided to say the least. But I swear its pure. It is both bitter and grateful. It is in a season of change, but it is also staying exactly the same. God is making me new, but I am coming apart in the mean time and until I am put together again I believe I will just continue to throw rocks at bigger rocks.