Thursday, May 3, 2012

Love Letter: to him

When I felt unlovable, he was there.
When I felt unlovable, He spoke truth.
When I needed a break, he answered my call.
When I needed a break, He answered my cries.
When I wanted to celebrate, he was ready to go.
When I needed to celebrate, He was already rejoicing.
When I was learning how to love me again, he loved me through it.
He originally taught me how to love myself by continually loving me unconditionally.
he is fickle.
He is my solid anchor.
he is always available.
He was here before time and has promised a return.

Can't you see how I would mix the two?
Can't you see how love can be deceiving?
To know someone completely, to love them even more for their faults, and to be dedicated to them, that is love.
But I am told and I truly believe I must choose only one man to continue my future with. You'd think the choice was easy, but it is not always. Somedays I chose Him, and others-- when my day comes to a close -- my every being wants to be near him. I know it doesn't make sense to everyone but I do love him. I cherish him and the time we spend together. For making me feel beautiful. For keeping me grounded. For staying interested in my life. For actually enjoying my jokes. For spoiling me. For knowing more about random facts of life than I will ever read in life. For allowing me to cry in his arms. For not judging me. For choosing me. For being him even when he is scared that is not enough.

Me leaving has NOTHING to do with how I feel about him or who he is. But it has everything to do with Him. He is my everything and until He is for him, he can't be anything for me.

This love letter declares my release of the fear of being vulnerable. I let go of shame. I met him when I was 17 and I have never changed my mind about him. Call me crazy, call me creepy-- regardless I have to let you know I am not afraid of my emotions. I will not hide them. I also will not live by them, knowing God is jealous for my heart. But hiding how I feel is not the answer either.
At the end of the day I have two choices. Do what I want or wait for God's best. [[The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?... You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.]] Jeremiah 17:9&29:13
This is a love letter to him, but it does not change that I choose Him.

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