we only know when it's gone

"Why don't we dance anymore
I'm not okay with that
Why don't we laugh anymore
I'm not okay with that
The years go by like stones under rushing water
We only know, we only know when it's gone...when it's gone" 

-Need To Breathe

Those lyrics are have been replaying in my mind for weeks now. Over and over again. I am humming the tune, reciting the lyrics, and really coping with the meaning. Why don't we dance anymore... why don't we laugh anymore? Why  can't I hear from God? Why do I feel so distant? Have I allowed an idol to take His place, have I fallen out of love with the God who created me? No and no. Simply put, I have slowly begun to turn my relationship with God a religion and I can feel Him enticing me to come back to the romance. In May 2008 I wrote these words:

“Once you know who you are in Christ, you will change the world. 

Forget the sins, forget the Christian culture and just sit at the feet of Jesus.” 

Since my salivation five years ago I have had an intimate-personal relationship with God. However, once I began to make a career out of my faith, my heart began to change. I started to “do” for God instead of “just be”. I began to talk about Him, instead of talking to Him. It's hard to believe that it was a class assignment that really started to put this ache of God into perspective. In my Christian Theology and Social Work Integration course we are asked to do a spiritual 'discipline' each week that will create space for God to show up. I chose take a moment and return to sitting at His feet this week. I am ashamed to say I still only did so for about ten minutes, but in those ten minutes I danced with the Lord. I celebrated who He is. Not what He can do or what He can give, but how He is faithful, loving, and merciful. 

The hardest part to understand is that this month the church I am planning making my home, The Father's House (tfh), similar to many other churches at this time challenged us to start the year off right and create room in our lives for Him to speak. I made a plan to fast, I made a plan to pray, I made a plan to read my Bible.... and I failed at them all. I don't feel bad about failing in the sense that I cannot be forgiven and try again, especially since God still spoke. But- seriously? Everyone around me is encouraging me to do exactly what it is that will bring me closer to God and I choose to ignore it? Thankfully, even without creating the space for Him, He screamed to me through the noise, "KERRI, I MISS YOU" "Sweetie, why don't we dance anymore?" "Beloved, why are you searching, I am here, I love you" 

Trying to live with this void in my heart allowed me to really think about how we recklessly abandon ourselves when we fall in love in worldly romantic relationships. We just jump in, let go, ignore our better judgments and opinions of those around us... we do what we want and do what feels right. We don't think about consequences and we convince ourselves that there won't be any regrets. And that's a huge part. Our human nature is to live without regrets and act like our choices don't affect us negatively. Quoted best possibly by Katy Perry in her music, "Let's go all the way tonight... no regrets, just love" We feel carefree and adventurous when we offer our heart to a lover. Our heart, the very thing that makes us-us. Our soul, our dreams, our desires... we share them and give them away to those we feel in the moment deserve them and will take care of them. Believing and hoping that we will not regret that choice later on. Somehow though...when it comes to God we are unable to do the same. Recklessly abandon our souls. Allow Him to surprise us with love. To offer Him full reign in our lives.

I guess long story short, everything is suppose to be about my heart for God. Deuteronomy 6:5 calls me to  "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength"  And lately I have been trying so hard to do the spiritual disciplines that will create space for God, but I keep coming up short and doing less then planned. I hear Him again say, "don't try-just love". Hosea 6:6 states, "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings" How simple is that? God is asking me to fall in love again. He is asking me to dance slowly... then, and only then will I operate out of an overflow of Him. I will do the disciplines because I want to and when I don't do them- that's okay also!

Matthew 6:33 gives clear instructions, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Fall in love with God, put Him first, and everything else will fall into place. That is not to say I should live sloppy again and allow little compromises to build the barrier I now must repent for. It is always wise to consider, 1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world." and ask yourself, where am I falling into sin? What possible temptations am I allowing to entice me?

I know what mine are. Me saying all of this is not to suggest I don't fight my own battles, because I certainly do. As always I just want to create an honest picture of where I am in life and with God. I promised at the creation of this blog I would be authentic and admit my failures. And this week I am remembering one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received. Words that have stuck with me and really impacted the way I operate in life. While fighting my way through the hardest and best four months of my life in Nashville, TN my Dad text me one night after we had gotten off the phone and said, "Ya know- it's okay to not be okay"... I sat in that statement (and the release it gave me from my stubbornness) for a good couple of days. 

So here I am again. Lonely, searching, and desperate for God... and I hear Him say, "My lovely, It's okay to not be okay... just come be with me. Let's dance again. Sit at my feet and learn my ways. Recklessly abandon your heart to me. I miss you and I will never stop chasing after you. I have created an ache inside of you that will always crave me when your love for me is not priority. I will make sure you always know before it's gone-- and even better, you will always know how to get it back. Just love-no regrets" 

I know better

I believe that sometimes we really can't help where our hearts wander to. I do know for sure though that we can choose not to entertain the thoughts and pursue the situations. I need to not only know but act on the fact that my heart is not a playground. There is a sense of immaturity that arises from bitterness towards those in your past, you can not function well with bitterness. There is a fine line of recreating a future with someone and continually remembering shared past memories.

What if we were held accountable for what we did to our soul like we are for our physical body? What if we were allowed heart break days from work and there were prescriptions to cure soul wounds? Is there anyone who has a degree to tends our hearts like doctors can stitch cuts? And I can attest that scars on the heart need much more attention then a band-aid and occasional ointment. But we don't take the time. We allow our hearts to grow weary, our lives to be in disarray, and our soul is left restless and incapable of trust

I wish there was a heart doctor that held us as accountable as say a Gynecologist does. Warnings of STD's are used to scare woman away from sleeping with too many people. However, no one warns us to stop giving away our hearts and abandoning their worthiness to whoever looks our way. The heart doctor would quote things like, "You knew by sending that text back to him you would be tempted... but you still did it anyway". They would tell us how often we should get checked based on our heart's promiscuity. The doctor would tell us to take "heart rests", similar to bed rests, where we would not be able to even flirt with anyone to make sure we healed up before moving on. 

Almost any girl can relate to the feelings that arise in the Gynecologists office, you are left alone to really stop and mourn over all the "mistakes" you have made in the past. What if had to do the same for all the moments we men consume our thoughts, or desire take over? And the doctors are so blunt with their questions... they uncover the most concealed and private parts of our body and lives, just as the heart doctor would discover the deepest parts of our souls and the longing desires that hide there.

I am one of the few people I know that enjoys having accountability partners and a church that continually reminds me to check my heart first. But still, I give in sometimes. It always feels nice to be complimented and getting coffee with a guy who insists on paying makes me smile. But, I know better than this... having wisdom is knowing what is wrong and actually not doing it. It seems petty to most, but taking care of my heart is something I refuse to take lightly andI know better than this...

Claiming Zechariah

I wonder if the process of one's life coming together is just as scary as having one's life fall apart. Change, whether for the better or worse, still evokes fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failing and most importantly fear that one will lose sight of what life is really about. 

I had a dream last summer that I was giving birth, actually I had a few dreams. All of which I was very pregnant and very ready to get this baby out of me. The one particular dream and if I remember correctly the last one of it's kind the father of the child was there and when it came time to name the baby, I blanked. I thought of how foolish I must be to be pregnant for nine whole months and still not have a name... the father then declared "Zechariah! Because the Lord is bringing a new season!"

"'Zechariah' means God remembers. What does He remember? His covenant. 'Iddo' means at the appointed time, and 'Berechiah' means God will bless. God remembers and at the appointed time He will bless them."  (Bible.org, 2010)

Whoa, what? What a wonderful dream! Also this summer I received a prophesy that I would be coming into a position of leadership and it would be coming soon. I was told to prepare my heart, which is a very common phrase for Christians-- but what does it really even mean? How is it possible to prepare my heart to receive the blessing of God? The obvious is to find myself in prayer, worship, and having child like faith but I know there has to be more. Especially involving righteousness-- it seems we have wandered from that. As a culture we went from law to lawlessness and there is no doubt that God is calling us back to his grace but also his discipline.

With that, I don't know if my heart is ready for blessings but I know I am ready to start a new season. I wish I could say my new start came with 2011 and tell you I had some magical moment and some huge resolution that is going to change my whole life for the Lord. But I didn't and perhaps that really is for the best. God is the one making the plans, He is the one brewing up change, He is the one calling me back to the book of Zechariah.

Got Questions.org quotes the practical application of Zechariah as, "God expects sincere worship and moral living of us today. Zechariah's example of breaking through national prejudice reminds us to reach out into all areas of our society. We must extend God's invitation of salvation to people of all national origins, languages, races and cultures. That salvation is only available through the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the cross, who died in our place to atone for sin. But if we reject that sacrifice, there is no other sacrifice through which we can be reconciled to God. There is no other name under heaven by which men are saved. There is no time to lose; today is the day of salvation" 

Today is the day. This is the season. There will be salvation in this Urban Ministry. And I will be in Leadership. I am lost but loved, confused but cared for, scared but sacred, I am ready to accept the new season... "Here am I Lord, send me" (Isaiah 6:8). I am claiming Zechariah:

"Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD Almighty says: 

'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you' "

A Piece of My Past

It is the kind of night where I would blog. I am alone, over pondering what life is all about, and searching for meaning. I start off of course on facebook, and I start reminiscing about "the good ol' days", Undergrad and such-- I kick myself off and try to fall asleep but I can't. It is too quiet here. To think I use to stay in a building where over 200 people my own age lived there. I had so much fun... no wonder being alone at night seems so different.

Like I said tonight is the kind of night I would blog, but I don't have anything to say. I have no awe-inspiring words from the Lord, I have no underlying insecurity to explore-- it's just me, not being able to sleep. I try to worship a little bit, do some prayer, back on facebook, and I get to thinking how much I care about the past. Always have, I won't even reference all my posts that have talked about me missing the past.. let's say it's more like the whole blog-- well except for when I knew I was going to Mercy, then I was always looking forward.

Point being, since High-School, I have always been a fan of the past. Junior year I wanted to be a Sophomore, Senior year I wanted to be a Junior again, Freshman year of Undergrad I wanted to be a Senior of High-School again... but now in Graduate school I am not sure I want "to be" any particular time. I cherish it all sure, but most of me really is looking forward to having a full time job in May and starting my own life.

More so than that though, if I could go back- I am not sure where I would go back to. I am over the high-school thing and Undergrad is too much, I flip through old memories and can't settle on just one I would like to relive. So many amazing memories, uncountable inside jokes, ridiculous amount of money wasted on junk food and some heal-your-soul-up moments.

I know before I met God I said the best moment of my life was my entrance to the Junior year play, I was the Wicked Witch and I came screeching out, scared all the kids away, and had the spotlight all to myself... what a great feeling to know you are the source of entertainment, to recreate a character your own way. But to go back to that no way...

Thursday night Tag's as an 18 year old also used to be my jam. I lived for those retro nights. Into college I became a coffeeshop girl, I'd spend hours figuring myself and my friends out over a drink that always consisted of more whip cream than anything, but to have to go through that pain of figuring myself out again... no thanks.

So I went back to facebook and I flipped through my photos and whatever photo made my heart melt I uploaded on here. This is just a flash of where I might travel back to. Lord knows facebook does not have all the answers and was not even around for a lot of good times in my life. But I hope you enjoy a piece of my past!

What would it be if you could relive a moment. I could see a lot of people talking about their child being born, perhaps their first encounter with the Lord, or their wedding day-- but I am thinking less serious than that. A time in your life where bliss was all you knew at least that's how you remember it... think about it then re-blog this if you wish!

Back to the Basics... again.

In one week I will officially be half way done with my MSW, that's crazy. I can honestly say it is has not been that difficult at all. I forget a lot of the time though the time I spend at Successful Pathways (Internship) is also a huge part of my degree. I have had a lot more free time then I ever thought I would. I can honestly remember the one time I truly felt stressed, and that was back in August... wow, praise the Lord!

I was looking over my agenda calender today, something I even wrote about since I do it so often, and I literally was shocked that it was December 1st. I know it's cliche to say where has the time gone, but for real- for real, where did the time go? Everything has moved so fast yet so smoothly lately... God has just provided- majorly.

At the beginning of the semester I was hooked on Old Testament, almost refusing to read the New Testament, I wanted to discover hidden messages, I wanted to relate to the complex characters, I wanted to be able to quote out of Leviticus and impress people, but recently I want to go back to the basics. I started reading Matthew through this past Sunday just to -refresh- myself and I got rocked! How quickly I forget the basics..

Love.
Humility.
Discipleship.
Parables.
Sowing seeds.
Righteousness.

Just the basics, the reason why I even love God in the first place or rather the reasons He loves me. I got to get back to the place where I know He loves me for me: Not the me I am going to be or the things I can do, or the me that deserves to be loved-- but me, just simply me. I want to go back to this girl, the girl who took time to be herself and eat her cereal color by color, the girl who knew being loved had nothing to do with her performance. I want to have revelations like this that remind me God is not only my Father but Lover and I can find fullness in Him, anytime.

*smiles, sigh* The basics, what a wonderful place to be. What a blessed and comfortable season the Lord has allowed me to be in. I feel so secure in Him, it is such a wonderful feeling. I can't say it did not come without some testing and trials but I preserved and it feels so good to be victorious in Christ, not in myself but in Him. I relied on Him and He heard my cries, He answered my whispered prayers, and He lavished me with unmerited favor and for that I am eternally grateful.

.. it is so nice to get back to the basics. What a beautiful and loving God we serve. He may give and take away-- but He is trustworthy and righteous and I love Him.

Psalm 5:1-3, 11-12

 "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing.

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;

in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.

Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous;

you surround them with your favor as with a shield."

Exclusively Confusing

Alright I am going to be honest-- this is one is for Kirsten.
Well no, this is one is inspired by Kirsten but for everyone who can relate to being single after undergrad when they thought for sure ring by spring was a guarantee for life. And for the sake of this post let's say single is defined by pre-engagement. With that, that leaves a lot of singles out there. I'll admit I'm new to the scene but that does not mean I don't know a thing or two. And since my reading audience varies from those who are sold out to Christ and waiting to even kiss at the alter to those who thrive on one-nighters, my list will reflect as much as I can, but I am only human.

For starters here are my thoughts on the lingo. 

• We're talking: Means there is an interest of hoping things will lead into a relationship, but the parties are trying to play it cool then. At this stage there is way more texting then actually talking by the way.
• We're going on dates: This is where the parties are testing the waters to see if the other person is worth the $10 movie ticket, but there has been no discussion of exclusiveness or relationship status. This stage is easily confused with the following label,
• We're dating: This stage is defined by a general understanding that the pair is exclusive but there has not been talk about a relationship yet.
• We're hanging out: This definition is multi-faceted but can be categorized by either casual hook ups, cat and mouse game, a denial stage where people think they can just have fun and not get their emotions tied into it, or it is an indication an insecure dater won't give up their "fall back person". 
• We're just having fun: In this slippery slope there is the belief that there are no emotions attached to the relationship.  It could mean the girl is using the boy for free mini golf or the boy is using the girl for late nights. This stage normally ends in silent heartbreak where one of the parties will deny in public but will confess to a few close friends.
• We hooked up once or twice: Depending on where you fall on the morality scale this could be meeting at a coffeehouse, making out without wandering hands, bad decisions made from shots of Tequila, or a moment of overwhelming insecurity where the facebook chat led to a midnight drive. No matter what the situation, the title means there was fun had but there is no intention of taking things further but the parties will keep each others numbers "just in case".
• We're praying about it: For the religious type this stages either includes complete silence and some fasting about the future of your relationship or it is a time of obnoxious flirting, days full of testing conversations, and minor, minor prayer. The hopes is to reach a title of "Facebook Official".
  
• We are seeing each other: Meaning each party has commited to the label "We are dating" but only does so when it is convenient during free time for both parties. This label does not account for being exclusive. 
• We are Facebook Official: Oh, boy-- that is real serious right there. Facebook status's are the new Letterman Jackets combined with those cheap-o heart necklaces everyone bought from Kmart during their high school days.
• I might bring him/her home to meet the parents: An attempt to show how serious the one party's feelings are for the other, but not serious enough where they have to visit Kay's anytime soon.... like ::anytime soon:::
• It's complicated: Let's not even get into what means.. if this is what you would describe your relationship like just move on, we are too young for this amount of drama. 

Now here are some rules for the Lady readers: 

• RULE NUMBER ONE always ask if you are exclusive. But even so know this: being exclusive does not mean you are in a relationship. However, if you are in a relationship, you really should be exclusive... let's hope that talk never needs to happen.
• The second rule pends on both the level of seriousness and in combination that it does not override the previous rule. You don't want to be the first person to ask "Where is this going", I once had a boyfriend whose response to that question was "Out the door!"
• In between the "We're talking" stage and the achievement of the label of "Facebook Official", for every two texts they send you, you should only send one.
• You should not have to initiate the good morning texts, it should be expected that they approach you first, like when people use to talk face to face.
• Keep your sappiness at a minimum until they can prove their trustworthiness. No joking with this one. We only have one heart and it is hard enough to keep it intact without men.
• I have to admit I am somewhat of a believer of "Once a cheater, always a cheater" unless there is a christain conversion, otherwise keep this as a rule of thumb. 
• If all your friends say he is crazy, then he IS crazy.
• There must always, always be at least one time you "forget to call" or make plans that have to be cancelled, our lives must not scream desperate, no matter how long it has been. 
• Unless you want to get married at and raise your children in a bar, do not try to find a date at a bar. Even with the best bar guy you most likely won't get past the less moral version of "We're hanging out"

For the Gentlemen, my thoughts on today's style of dating:

• This is not the 10th grade where my boyfriend told me he had no money after we ordered our food and his parents had dropped us off so please know that we want to picked up at our front door. A text that says "Im out front" does not count and please at least offer to pay. Each to their own on whether the girl accepts it or not.. my thoughts are we are prettier than you and that's that-- so pay up. 
• Try not finding us on facebook before you ask us our own last name, that's creepy.
• Dear Christian men, please please do not wear your purity ring on ring your fingers of either hand, it confuses us single ladies and we don't have the smoothness to figure out if you're spoken for without point blank staring.
• Let us know right off the bat how much you love/hate the conversation of marriage/babies-- kthanks. 

And that's it folks. That is today's dating in my mind. Of course my lifestyle of choice does not fit into many of these categories I can attest to wanting free mini golf and how well standing someone up works. As for now, I will let the creator of my soul continue to fill me with love and let the rest of the world figure out this exclusively confusing world of dating.

As I swept up the pieces

What do you do when something breaks? I just knocked off a precious moment porcelain doll from my dresser. It was a blond, blue eyed girl with a diploma in her hand. She was smiling ear to ear and there was hope in her eyes. My Mother bought it for me and now its smashed to pieces.

My normal reaction to when things break is to cuss. I have to admit I probably cuss the most when I drop things. Not when I am actually mad or upset but more an automatic response to dropping something. Things as simple as a binder lead me to drop a few bombs. What a weird occurrence...

Tonight I didn't swear. I didn't even budge. That precious moment was the only trinket I had out proudly displayed and now its smashed... I felt so powerless. And as I swept up the pieces and thought I can't let the irony go on this one... the smashing of my graduation, the feeling of powerlessness....

I drove a client home tonight. He told me about working the streets and we discussed how much "easier" it seems to work the streets then to follow God and do good. Broke my heart. I know it is only the first of many times that it will break. I want to just do my job and go home. Make a difference while I can, but bring them back to the hood as I travel out to suburbia. But, I am not making a true difference that way. Jesus met the fishermen on the boats and at shore... He did make them eventually leave that occupation, but He met them where they were at, even when it seemed *unsafe*

So many things rush through my mind when I think inner-city. Urban Youth. Street Life. "Why me?", is the biggest thing. I know God is glorified through our weakness and all but wow... it's like take this example you want to tell someone about Jesus but they say they can't focus because they are hungry so you feed them. After they are fed they ask you about Jesus again and you give them a Bible to read. Turns out they can't read because they dropped out of school in fourth grade. Okay, so you wonder why they dropped out of school and they tell you about their negligent parents. Then you ask what their home life is like now and they tell you the shelter they are living at, bringing it back full circle that they can't focus now because there is only so much time left to get back to the shelter to secure their spot for the night.

...so where do you start? Do you feed them, house them, counsel them, tell them about Jesus? At what point are you making a difference. Is it all just Band-aids or true healing.

It's just so much and I don't want to drop the ball and let my dreams smash to the ground leaving me wanting to cuss out the God who brought me here. Don't get me wrong deep down I know there is hope and I know there is a way and I know God will never leave me and I know that God equips us and I know He is our refuge... but man oh man this Urban Ministry is no joke. And if I walk away, how many others did also? How can we ignore what is going on just a few zip codes away? If I am scared to just drop people off- imagine what living there is like...

As usual I refer to my hope secured, Joshua 1:6-9
“Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

God- I need you on this one. I told you I'd follow where you led me and I don't want to back down from my word, so send me down some extra loving tonight, I would appreciate it.