Monday, September 13, 2010

Because I Want to Say Goodnight

Tonight I find myself wondering if I made the wrong choice...
I miss him, dearly.
I am writing tonight on here so I don't text him and say goodnight.
It's not that I don't want to say it or feel he deserves to hear it but- it is no longer my place.
The whole single thing is not the problem, I enjoy the extra time, emotion and feeling of me-ness, but I miss him.

You probably wonder how long has it been. Well the last time I saw him was yesterday and the last time we talked was about 7 hours ago. Pathetic right? I know, but it's not the same. He's not mine anymore. And for as much as I still want him to be that, I don't. He deserves to be happy, really happy. He deserves someone who will be content with where he is at and where he wants to go-- not someone continually trying to make him and us better. He deserves someone who will just let him be. 

I don't know if it is because he has been such a big part of my life for three years or because besides a few high school friends he has been the longest friendship and especially longest relationship? Or is it because he could instantly make me laugh or call me out on being sad? Do I miss him because his kiss makes my heart stop or because I want to be kissed?

It does not take me long to remember that without him I may have never had enough courage to go to Tennessee and for that I am very grateful. But, he wasn't always perfect and there were times when I was dying to hear something and his silence would literally break my heart. But what about those times we drove around the countryside and just enjoyed each other?

If I allowed myself to continue to say goodnight to him my heart would never learn to live without him. I would never truly move on and I would never give him the opportunity to find someone better suited.

So tonight I will say goodnight in the simplest way I know possible, by prayers. It is my prayer that both of our hearts will be made whole by the God who created them. It is my prayer that both of our individual passions will begin to burn more brightly as we learn to take chances on our own and seek God's face for our individual future. I pray that god would use this relationship, the lessons we learned, and the people we impacted for the good of his kingdom and for the good our lives. And I pray, especially for tonight, that God would wrap his father arms around me and let me know I can do this, and with Him that I am never alone and never forgotten. I pray that God's love would overwhelm the two of us that heartache would cease and that joy would overflow. I pray for peaceful sleep and a pure heart to greatest the comforter known to man, God, my father.

2 comments:

Kendralee* said...

so now that i'm all choked up..

the love you two have shared is a beautiful thing. rest in that.
xo

Artemis Clover: The real L.A. love story. said...

wow, you write with such an open heart.