Saturday, February 21, 2009

Broken Down

Enemy: 1 Kerri: 0
That is how I feel about this week.
I am physically doing everything possible to trust in God.
But... all I am reaping is less trust.
More selfishness, more discouragement, more hurt.

It's my own fault.
I'm not saying God isn't listening or caring about me.
The key was word was physically.
I say trust.. but do I really mean it?
I have been studying the word more
& I have been praying more... but trust?
Handing projects over?
Submitting to thoughts higher than mine?
And I think 'has it been this way all along?'

I have been walking with the Lord since Fall 06
& you're telling me I have been doing this
all on my own will power?
I have not given him a single once of trust?
How can this be...
thats not possible... is it?

ahhh, how magnificent He has been to me though.
God is constantly pouring His blessings over me.
There is no denying that. And in return... I fake it?
Well, I did trust Him with Mercy Ministries.
I did put that in his hands. So I know how it goes.

I know how difficult it is
to look at the sky
with one eye open,
kind of flinching your head away,
with your dreams cupped in your hand,
thinking to yourself
"can i pleassseee have these back?'

So maybe that's it.
Maybe that is what I was suppose to reap from all this.
Another lesson.
Another hard pill to swallow.
And thats fine.
But as for now.
I'm broken. I feel damaged.
And I want you to know that sometimes
I don't really want to blog what I do.
But I feel like I have to...
like someday I'll see that girl with Brown eyes
and I'll be able to tell that she hasn't slept in weeks
but she makes her way over to me and says 'Thank you'
So I write.
I write my insecurities out in
black & white
& sometimes... that really hurts.

Like with all this distrust.
You know the first place I want to turn for help?
My phone. Facebook. Other's blogs.
I hide.
I send a text the moment a tear forms..
how ridiculous!!!
What am I so scared of?
I swear sometimes if I really let people see that
I can't do it on my own they'll leave me.
they'll....leave me.
What kind of fear is that?
I can hear the enemy laughing,
as he flips over another point on his scoreboard.
And I feel God... ache.
How is it that I have held on to this fear for over a decade now?

I remember my first personal lesson with my Pastor- PB.
He told me about rejection glasses.
And when you wear them you see everything as rejection.
Just as you put on red sunglasses
and everything you then see is in red.
Sometimes you really do get rejected and that sucks,
but since you have those glasses on- you see everything as rejection.
Like when so-so forgot to invite you to the party.
Like when your best friend had a date to the semi and you didn't.
Like when your brother got married and you're single.
Like when your Mother missed your baseball game.
Those were not meant as rejection...
but it felt like it didn't it?

I have since chucked those old glasses.
They hold no place on this temple.
And either does fear and insecurities.
Cast them out.
Because God has already spoken.
"you were made for great things"
& I refuse to stay broken.

Enemy: Forfeit Kerri: 2

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