Friday, March 13, 2009

*the infamous green planner*

I was in a fight recently when someone pointed out how much of my life is dedicated on my green planner. Anyone who has met me has consequently met this green planner. I have never seen this as a problem and frankly I still don't. It is how I get through college and I love it. I am really proud of myself, I do a lot & I am really good at balancing my life. I never thought I would accomplish this much in college. I knew I had potential, we all do, but I never realized how far my unrecognized privileges would take me. I virtually have no debt, a new car, I have been abroad twice & plan on spending a semester in Nashville collecting credits doing EXACTLY what I want to do. God, how could you be so gracious to me?
Thank you. I just don't how else to say it.

Back to my planner though... it is kinds full & let me tell you it really has not left me time for God. Okay rephrase that, there is always time it is just up to me how I spend it. And really I have been productive lately. Like good papers, successful hall programs, & such but where are the rewards? I get praise, I get awards... but am I bringing any of that to heaven? Hmmm, so this green planner that I love, that I spend hours a week sketching out my meetings & busy work... is it taking me over? Is it not good to live so going, going, going, really tired? Am I a Martha (Luke 10:40)... am I clogging my life so I don't have to hear answers.

Getting those answers scare me to death. Its like all I want is for God to answer my cries but really when He goes to answer a lot of the times I pretend He's not. I feel like I am in a constant struggle of maturing and staying young, college life and christian values, moving up and humbling myself, staying and going, pop music and worship, loving him and Losing him. I live in paradoxes and find comfort in conflicting viewpoints.

Really the only constant I have (besides my loving Savior) is my green planner. Its just how I operate, always have and always will. It never changes it mind, it never leaves me unfilled, its just squares of days that I fill so I don't have to feel this constant battle. It's like pong- the computer one with the two bricks and one ball that bounces back and forth... thats my life, green planner and all.

No comments: