My First Night.

This is my first attempt ever at a webcam. Thought my followers would enjoy this. I do not have much to say tonight but now that good posts will be coming. The Lord is so good and He is a just a God who answers prayers! I am also using Windows Live Writer to do this post, this too is new to me. I see why other people’s blogs look so much cooler than mine now. But alas, I have a brand new Dell Studio that rockssss so maybe I will become a little better at all this techy stuff. Be blessed ‘Y’all’ haha.

Ps the scan I do of the room is no justice- it is the loft part of my room where I have laid out everything needing to be unpacked. I hope to share pictures of this beautiful place asap.

Living in the Unknown

Here it is... *GASP the moment I have been waiting for for over two years.

I am heading out tomorrow morning with Ryan & My Father to drive down to Nashville, Tennessee to meet up with the family I will be living with that live on a cal-de-saq in what I consider a mansion to settle in for a day until I start my Internship at Mercy Ministries at 10am Monday morning. 

So that is it folks... that's all I got. I am not really scared of anything, a little that I won't fit it at my job but... nothing else. I mean I cannot predict what anything is going to be like... So let's hope my next post is more exciting and a lot of answered questions. I just wanted to let you know I am off to live out God's calling and that is something I know for certain. I can feel God's hand moving in my life- and it is definitely not in Elmira or in Brockport. I just feel like I can't grow there anymore and it is not because they are not enriched places, He just has a plan, He always has and thankfully He always will. <3

I can't even exaplin how odd of a feeling it is to know your whole life is going to be different when you wake up... I mean we have all been through it- big moves, deaths in the family, new jobs... but I have never really read anything that captured that emotion. Living in the unknown is an awful place to live, unless it is only a short period of time ((like this night is for me)) then it is a bit exciting a bit annoying and a bit tiring. 

*The unknown... the unanswered... the leaving it in Jesus's hands... 
the full gas tank with 800 miles to go... 
the fresh packed luggage soon to be unpacked... 
the closed door soon to be opened, 
the first impressions ready to be made... 
the unknown- what a weird place to be*

Tonight's playlist:

"You're little girl is off... you're little girl is off,

you're little girl is off to Tennessee"- I wonder, Kelly Pickler

"Baby don't forget:
Before you hit the highway
You better stop for gas
And there's a 50 in the ashtray
In case you run short on cash
Here's a map and here's a Bible
If you ever lose your way
Just one more thing before you leave
Don't forget to remember me"

-Don't Forget to Remember Me, Carrie Underwood

"These days everything is all business
Never in one place for too long
But there's no lack of arms around me
But I still wonder if somewhere I went wrong

Maybe I was much to selfish
but baby you're still on my mind
Now I'm grown and alone
and wishin I was with you tonight
'Cause I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee"

Tennessee, The Wreckers

"We can throw what we own in the back of a U-Haul van
A couple modern day Moses, searching for the promise land
We can go for a hundred miles before we stop for gas
We can drive for a day and then we'll take a look at the map
Heads Carolina, tails California
Somwhere greener, somewhere warmer"

-Heads Carolina, Jo Dee Messina

Love Lingers On

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ"

-Galations 1:10

"Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you"

-Genesis 3:16

"What a man desires in unfailing love"

-Proverbs 19:22

"Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst....Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first,  for then I was better off than now.'"

- Hosea 2: 3, 7

I have decided to write about fascination with ex's. 

Here are my disclaimers: Not all young women feel this way;

This is not easy to admit to; and I really hope no one who

reads this takes this the wrong way.

It was summer. Well, it was a few summers. He was charming. I was insecure. We had fun. We went to the drive-in a lot. I don't think I ever liked him for him, more so the fun & complicated-ness of it all. He always told me I deserved better and since then I have found better. This is not me missing him... this is just me admitting that I wish I could break his heart the way he did mine. This is me admitting that when I see him out I laugh louder so he will notice me. This is me admitting I check his facebook once every couple of months just to see if any girl he hooks up with is prettier than me.

\\\iknowthisisnotjustme///

Why is it that we [iuse'we'looslybutconfidently] care so much about those in our past? Thankfully since I have found such an amazing guy my heart no longer skips a beat when the previous guy or some others walk by. But I remember that feeling... choked up, clammy hands, constantly playing with my hair. Why did I become so sarcastic? Why was I trying to be so rude yet so irresistible? It was over, I didn't like him but I had this unquenchable need for him to still like me. Why do we care what they think? Why do we care what they are up to, who they see and how they still feel about us? What is that soul-tie that lets love linger on.

I believe it has something to do with our need for drama. A story to tell, a mouse to be chased, a run to be won. I am soooooooo thankful I do not live this way anymore- it was exhausting. I know I am a new creation in Christ and I have matured a bit with my age but I wonder what it really was that changed this? I know this though, it is not all  gone.

I saw him out last night and he decided my best friend was his chase for the night. It hurt. I know she is beautiful and I know I am beautiful. I know he is not what I want or what she wants. It just hurt my ego- to be honest. Why did he have to pick her? Why not me? But then again why me? I love Ryan- I should not want to be wanted by another man. *sigh* So there is the struggle. The constant desire to be desired yet knowing that you deserve better and in this case already have better.

For anyone dealing with this I suggest the book: Captivating. Granted I suggest Captivating for almost every struggle. haha. But it gives a real biblical and true women look into this desire. *And all I am saying is that I am a work in progress.

The Grass is Greener

There's life and then- there is life.

I guess I should explain...

When I was younger my Mother was engaged and he was pretty much my Father from 2nd to 6th grade. I don't remember exactly how the story went but he worked somewhere a few hours away and the halfway point from where we lived and where he worked was a little town called Greene. I won't drag this out... when I was in 6th grade he left. Whatever. That's my sad story. Everyone has one- that's mine. I've dealt with this, I have had some good counseling and some good love from both my biological father and Lord Savior. But that's not where the story lies... There is life and then, there is life.

On the surface we are two giggly girls heading into the Taco Bell parking lot. We order the same things, we have the same laugh for eight years now. We talk about love, hope, heartbreaks, old times, our future, families. We talk about life and LIFE. Like the fact her mother has forgotten her birthday a few years in a row or that she never had a home-home since the divorce.

Next story. She laughs, she smiles, she tells me about growing up dancing. We enter the house and I feel the pressure. I see the perfection. And it hurts, it really hurts. She has a life and to everyone else it looks great. But then she has a life, a hidden, dark, and very hurtful life.

Last one. Cheerleader, blond, artist, corvette, she has life and a life. Like when her boyfriend dumped her that was life and it hurt. But when her father missed her graduation that was life.

Here is the point.. I went to visit a friend who lives in Greene yesterday. Greene, yes the town all my dreams were suppose to come true at and you know what? My dreams were not there. Obviously, but I thought they might be... I mean a *new-glam* life is a big promise to an 8 year old girl and I bought it. And that is life.

We all have hurts and we all have wounds. Wounds are hurts that never seem to go away. The common theme that follows you around. I wish I could be detailed and use imagery to woo you all to understand what a wound is. But think about it... in the hallways you see the girl upset about the bad grade she just got, but really she is worried that her parents are going to make her move out if she gets another B. They never believed in her- just pushed her. See there is life and then there is life.

When we sit at taco bell and talk about ex-boyfriends that broke our heart we talk about life. But then when we sit in the parking lot we talk about those who have violated us and how that has ruined our view of boundaries.

Catch it? Life and Life. Simple everyday stuff that makes us laugh & cry but then the *real* stuff that silently makes us suffer? But I am here to tell you the grass is not greener on the other side. The dreams I built as a child were foolish, they were made out of fears and materialism. But the dreams God have made for me are beautiful, wonderful, intricate, and fantastic... the best part? Not only is the grass green where I am standing now but I only know a fraction of everything He has planned out for me!

::::This time I am letting the right "daddy" make my dreams for me::::

When Push comes to Shove

To my Faithful Readers:

Brockport has yet to sign the MercyMinistries contract.
As of four days ago, they want me to have a new supervisor.
This may happen by tomorrow... or it may not happen at all.

Don't be fooled, I am not worried.
Well, I am [[ha.ha.]] but I am not going to be after I write this post.

[[ipromise]]

It makes me laugh thinking how many times
I have had to give this internship into the Lord's hands...
Maybe I should have just left it in His, huh?

10 days!!

In 10 days I am suppose to be embarking on the newest

and most exciting chapter of my life...

and they want a new supervisor?

Outside of that, I can't stop singing songs about Tennessee and the South-
Love and Hope- I am just so excited.
Here are some  verses I am chewing on

                              [[notthecountrysongs]]

Although I normally lovvvee everyone else's opinon, I really want these verse to be raw to me & see what God is trying to connect so I have not been using any study guide or google and things like that.

Proverbs 24: 27
Finish your outdoor work
and get your fields ready;
after that, build your house.

Proverbs 24:6
for waging war you need guidance,
and for victory many advisers.

Exodus 33:14- 16
The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." 15 Then Moses said to him, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 Howill anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?"


It all makes me wonder,

 **When push comes to shove, is my trust truley in God?**

Frozen Beauty

Today I had a first.

I saw a snowflake...well more so I noticed a snowflake.

I see snow all the time. Like all the time... and it annoys me. 

But this morning Ryan & I were outside and it was super cold, I had a blue sweater on and the white snowflakes were starting to take it over. Ryan pointed to a flake and told me to check it out.

::I was stunned::

::::honestly:::

The real snowflakes look just like the ones people cut out!! I realize everyone else in the world might already know this but let's just say I am not the kind of person who "stops and smells the roses". I wanted to post a picture with the post and show you how beautiful they really are... but just like most things in life a picture can't do it justice. Seriously, so beautiful.

I realize this post was not so in depth and it really might not mean anything to my readers but sharing such a beautiful first with Ryan meant more to me than anyone will be able to see. Also seeing that God is a detailed, so beautiful, so thoughtful and intricate. Just wow. Thank you Father, thank you.

Dead of Winter

so many tears are shed tonight.
this place is so cold.
and you're not here.

one went off to the chase the sun.

another to conquer lands.

and i am here wondering... where did the time go?

id walk around if i thought it would help.

but there are so many tears.

and its so cold

and you're not here... no,

you're not here.

i try to relive the days where routine seemed so lively.

where full days filled my life

and you were here... to share it all with me.

i would try to find you if it wasn't so cold.

if only it wasn't so cold...

my calls echo in this dim room

and there is no one to hear me sob.

i stop again and think where does the time go?

oh man, where does the time go?