An Extra Hot Cocoa

I swear it that I would be a great waitress.
I use to be such a good barista at Starbucks.
Always giving that extra smile, whip cream and listening ear.
That is not to brag... but that is just who I am.

A lot of the times that I go out I do not get nice waiters.
That always bums me out-- I mean to a point.
I am always trying to talk to them & joke and they just want to know how I want my eggs-- no for real-- that is all they are thinking about.
But last night Ryan & I went out to Friendly's and we had a waitress who gave me an extra hot cocoa.

This is not about the hot cocoa.
It is about going above and beyond.
It was about her kindness.
It was about her crossing the "cultural norms" and still doing something nice for me.

Upon leaving I asked Ryan "Ya know we have had her a couple of times- do you think she knows who we are?" Ryan answered, "Yeah I bet she knows we are the couple who comes in everyone once in awhile, prays before meals, and leaves a good tip"

All three were true. I bet she does remember us and the tip we leave. And now that has me thinking... I wonder what *impression* we leave on her and everyone we meet.

I bet people think we are pretty happy.
We sure laugh a lot.
We talk the whole time and like to engage those around us in the conversation.
We obviously like the combination of ice cream and hot fudge, but I bet she doesn't know...

She doesn't know how sad I really was drinking that extra hot cocoa.
She doesn't know that he cut me off mid-way through my prayer so he could eat his sandwhich.
I bet she doesn't know how much that free hot cocoa meant to me.

Not only does she not know-- but most likely she does not care.
I mean whose heart really breaks over each person they meet wondering what turmoil they are going through that day?
Who takes that much time to consider what others are really going through.
We physically can't. There is not enough time to sit down and really help everyone and hear them out.

So can we at least agree to give that extra cup of cocoa?
I know I am. Because, wow- did I need that.
It may have been warm outside but my heart was quite cold.

The Curfew of our Hearts

Luke 11:27-30

As he said these things, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to him, "Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed!" But he said, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!" When the crowds were increasing, he began to say,"This generation is an evil generation. It seeks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it except the sign of Jonah. For as Jonah became a sign to the people of Nineveh, so will the Son of Man be to this generation."

Blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it... 

Blessed. Are those. Who. Hear. The word of -God- AND keep it... 

Keep it. The word of God. 

Blessed are you.

He has called me to holiness.

He has called me to literally lived a -set apart- life. 

The bible calls for us to do a lot. Love. Love rightly. Withhold judgment. Keep our cool and not murder people. We are reminded of these things daily...

But He also calls us to Holiness.

Purity.

Cleanliness.

Consecration.

Dedication.

Faithfulness.

Faultlessness.

Humility.

Innocence.

Morality.

Reverence.

Righteousness.

Sanctification. 

Virtue.     

...He calls us. He calls me. Why are we not answering?  "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?"  -- Luke 6:46

He was he sign of Jonah for OUR generation. If you do not know the significance of that, look it up. See what message God sent with Jonah.

He calls us to holiness because He knows what happens to us when we do not live a holy life. 

That is what we like to call, the Father heart of God. 

He wants us to succeed. 

Always has.

Same reason earthly fathers give curfews... they know the destruction the darkness brings. So does God- the Father.

Winter Clothes

I am in this shedding season I feel like. 

I have collectively over the years borrowed, taken or collected things from others and currently they are in a pile in my new place and I just want rid of them. 

I wanted a new bedset for here. To kind of start over. Look fresh. 

Shake off the old and start with the new. 

I know I just made a big transition in my life and with anything in my life I feel like its a go big or go home kind of move. I want rid of it... all. I'm over it, moving on... NEXT.

What does that even mean? You know that first feeling of taking off the bulky sweater and throwing on a tank top? Like those winter clothes had been carrying you down all year and now its time to throw them off, bag them up and move on. It's summer baby! *takes fresh breath of air*

That's how I feel.

However it is not all sunshine and rainbows taking that first step into summer. Summer exposes a lot. your less covered up and surrounded by people a whole lot more. Your favorite sweater is found in the trash bag of clothes. The comfort that kept you going all winter. Cold nights, it kept you warm. Feeling chubby days, it hide it from the world. Bonfire nights, perfect. Going for a walk, perfect. Out to dinner, of course. 

Now... I have outgrown it.

I am shedding what and when I least expected it. 

My roaming heart is still roaming.

I am not home yet.

I moved in and all my boxes are unpacked but my heart is still searching, still restless. 

It is looking love. 

Its looking for a place to unpack, a place to rest and pour it's treasures out to.

I know that seems corny-- but really, it is. 

And once you have felt that feeling you'll understand.

Sometimes I want my sweater, hide from the world behind what I have always known.

Other times, I want to strip down-- bear it to the world in a jean skirt & flip flops. 

Take chances, feel the sunshine and run like crazy.

 Lord, you know all. You made all. Show me what it is I am suppose to do. I can't do this without you. Dream big, or stay realistic. Shed it all or keep some of the old. Move on or stick it out. I trust you. I believe in you. Talk to me. I miss you.

Come up Swinging

I told myself I would write.
I made a pact with myself that significant points in my life either good or bad would be shared in hopes of someday having my story help others get through their own stories.
Now who is to say that I can even help someone.
Seems a little egotistical to me... but a hope we all have.
Who doesn't want their life to mean something.
Who doesn't want to look back and say look, look, I made a difference!

Anyways- I write tonight from a broken heart.
From a emptiness.
From a longing.
From a very large confusion.
I use to know.
Like I use to know, know.
Now... I don't know.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I also don't want to leave myself dragging behind.
There are heartaches in this life and I know no relationship is perfect.
But I want to be adored and I don't want to be left in the dust.
Does he even know, you ask.
I am not sure. Maybe it is obvious to both of us- maybe I am over-analyzing.
But I know that my heart hurts...and that's all I know right now.

The world dates differently.
They move on faster.
They don't have the spiritual connection we do.
They settle, they become complacent, they let dreams subside and become bitter and restless.
I don't want that. I don't want to be a statistic.
I want... I want to be in love... like I thought I was.

I just want him to come up swinging.
I want to be fought for,
I want to be desired,
I want to be woo'd.
Is that okay to still want this late in the game?
Am I asking too much--am I letting him give too little?

Like I said, I don't know.
I really don't know.

"Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need"
-Lady Antebellum 

Ten Week Tribute

It has been ten weeks since I have left Nashville, Tennessee. I would like to say that Mercy Ministries and Grace Center cross my mind everyday, but they don't. However, I can say that every promise I made inside my heart, every whisper I sent to heaven, every hard decision I cried through-- I have followed through on.

It sucks that for the first month I felt like no one at that place understood, liked, or recognized me... not as a whole but in unexplainable ((insecure)) ways.

I was so wrong.

Like I said it has been ten weeks sicne I have left and this is the fourth "batch" letters I have recieved from girls still in the program. They have shared thier trials, triumphs, affrimation and love with me. They have let me in and not fogotten me. They have sent prayers and asked for advice. They have been transformed and set free. They are at peace and in love with the God that created them.

My heart bursts with joy.

One of the girls wrote back about a comment I made about being bored almost with being pure-- even though I know it is ultimately the best choice. She wrote back urging to not to compromise-- she lavished me with scriptures and reminded me why it is I do what I do.

*Sigh.. I love what I do- shut-up, sit back, make  myself available and let God use me. What a wonderful career. That is another reason being home is so hard-- it's like this environment won't let me blossom- it won't let me be a vessel for Him and that's fine, I know I'll find a blessed place to be again like Nashville was. 

So here is the tribute to the place that loved on my unconditionally, ripped insecurities out of me and replaced them with true confidence. Here is to the town that taught me what quality and richness of life really is. Here is to the people truly chasing after God's heart and unwilling to compromise life--and succeeding in miracles because of it. Here is to the minsitry that awoken my heart and made a worker out of me.

I miss you, all of you. But again, I know it's here where I am meant to be-- for now.

Back to Romance

Song of Solomon 1:2

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth
  for your love is more delightful than wine.

I have never had such an ache, such a desire, such a sweet after taste left in my mouth,

God, Lover of my soul, You have changed me.

Inside out! 

I have been saved, delivered, and healed.  

I know this may seem like old news but not when the creator of the world CONTINUALLY makes lavishes me. It never gets old being His princess. It is funny I would have no idea how to tell someone how to get from point A to B now--even though that was one of the points of this blog tocapture those moments and hopefully use them to touch people in their walk.

But it would almost be like asking a drunk woman for directions... 

Hmmm... what a wonderful thought, being drunk on Him and His wine.

When Home is no Longer Home

To be who you are trying to become always means, you can't be who you have always been.

This town scares me.

It makes me feel like I am someone I am not.

Or someone I have always been. 

Am I me.. or am I that someone I don't really see?

How can there be so much rage left inside me when the Lord also resides in me.

...I thought I was done with all this change stuff.

For one season to just be- would be wonderful.

But if I allowed that complacent lifestyle to take over I would never become like Him.

And is that not the goal in this life anyway?

To not be me but to be Him, or rather for Him to shine through me.

However in order for that to happen i can't be the me that I am.

I must be the me he has pre-destined me to be.

I have to be the woman He is trying to make me.

I will never be at full me-ness. But I need to keep trying.

I need to keep pushing forward.

What is it about this hometown of mine that makes me come alive--- in the wrong way.

Rochester gives me such life yet home, home brings me despair, compromise and void.

Is it me, is it him, is it Him? 

What could possibly be still left inside me that causes such distraction, such division.

I went through my devotional tonight (Hey Mike--here is your shout out) to just remind myself I have a purpose, a plan, a God who forgives, loves, comforts, and understands. 

I just don't like this town anymore... is that okay to even say?

I don't feel safe.