Monday, June 14, 2010

When Home is no Longer Home

To be who you are trying to become always means, you can't be who you have always been.
This town scares me.
It makes me feel like I am someone I am not.
Or someone I have always been. 
Am I me.. or am I that someone I don't really see?
How can there be so much rage left inside me when the Lord also resides in me.

...I thought I was done with all this change stuff.
For one season to just be- would be wonderful.
But if I allowed that complacent lifestyle to take over I would never become like Him.
And is that not the goal in this life anyway?
To not be me but to be Him, or rather for Him to shine through me.
However in order for that to happen i can't be the me that I am.
I must be the me he has pre-destined me to be.
I have to be the woman He is trying to make me.

I will never be at full me-ness. But I need to keep trying.
I need to keep pushing forward.
What is it about this hometown of mine that makes me come alive--- in the wrong way.

Rochester gives me such life yet home, home brings me despair, compromise and void.
Is it me, is it him, is it Him? 
What could possibly be still left inside me that causes such distraction, such division.

I went through my devotional tonight (Hey Mike--here is your shout out) to just remind myself I have a purpose, a plan, a God who forgives, loves, comforts, and understands. 
I just don't like this town anymore... is that okay to even say?
I don't feel safe.


Jordynn said...


Heather said...

i think it's ok to say, and i'll go one step farther and say i think that's good.