Monday, February 13, 2012

Love: Consider This my Valentines' Post

Our culture is obsessed with love. So much so we create it when it doesn't exist. We cling to what we think it really is and ignore what it really was created as. As I write this post I have not decided if I am going to write about how phenomenal God's love is or how I am actually admitting for the first time, via blog, I have been in love for the past year with a boy I was to ashamed to even mention in conversations. love has so many definitions. I can find so many quotes about what others think it is, or have experienced, or possibly God has inspired for them, but for me... love, love this time means letting go. Letting go of what I have CLUNG to. These lies... and no they  actually were not about the boy. They were about what I falsely believed. For a girl who knows herself, believes in herself, [normally] loves herself, [she also] knows God, believes in God, and [typically] loves God, I have *believed* in a lot of lies.

Now if you don't believe that God is our true God, Jesus can set you free, and/or there is an enemy of your soul-- then you're gonna think the following list is a little pathetic. But those who know, and know that your behavior truly shines your beliefs let this list sink in and know I have been SET FREE. Praise God, Hallelujah, and all that good jazz <3

Before now I didn't actually *believe* I could find love. Not just like a person to fall in love with, but actual love- something I could tangibly wrap my arms around, be proud of, and *believe* it wouldn't leave. Before now I am not sure if I even thought love existed. Like the worldly love this time. I somehow always believed God's love existed, He kind of engrained that in me, thank goodness. But now, I know it's possible. It is possible to feel for someone else so much that your own desires don't matter... but in a healthy way. Love like you can sit in your sweats, tell someone your complete weaknesses as you pick at the flaws on your body and still laugh as if pain does not exist in the world--and maybe even face the pain of the world, together (sigh of relief). [[it is possible]]. Before now I did not *believe*, get this, that Christian guy would ever like me. This gets people every time... I don't know else to say it except a deep seed of unworthiness. On the outside you could never tell but the behaviors proved it. Before now I could never admit that I loved him, it's not a lie. I can truly say that I have felt love and gave into love's pulls, and hurt like only love can make you. I have loved all the wrong things about us yet I have loved to see him learn to love himself more. love is love and I cannot deny it, but also before now I believed in another lie, that somehow our story would weave its way back into each others'. Uggh, I sound so crazy -- but ladies I know I am not alone-- you know that feeling that underlying "maybe-this-will-work-out-after-all-LOOK_he-just-texted-me-what-I-should-say..." feeling. And now, I don't *believe* it. I feel so free. It's not about not talking to him for a certain period of time, or trying to resist the temptations, and unfortunately I am not sure it is that I am full enough of God's love this time either so I don't desire it, but it is that His love set me free.

And you know how I know that its real  this time? I want him to be completely happy, knowing that that does not involve me. I want him to fall in love with not only himself, God, but a woman better suited for him. A woman who believes in love enough for both of them. As for me, I am free, deep sigh, just in time for Valentines' Day! Just as I felt last year. Isn't God so faithful?  

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