miserable

Halloween was my favorite holiday....
& I just feel miserable.
I don't feel like college kids perverted the idea
because for the last two years I was that girl that made you shake your head
but I just feel miserable.
I want to have fun. I don't need the alcohol, but I don't to grow up
and realized I miss out.

Freud would say my Superego is out of control. Every action I feel guilty now.

I can't do anything without second guessing myself.
Why am I so organized, so disciplined?
Most of the time I see it as a blessing but today I just want to be
8 years old again.
I have two papers I have to write tonight.
It's my own fault.
ughh.
plus I just realized how soon all my friends are leaving...
Semester Abroad, graduating, moving.
Including me I'm leaving for Nashville in a year.
What an amazing opportunity. But in the face of my feelings now
It just scares the shit out of me.
In April, I'll be 21. that doesn't feel old but by 22
I'll be "all grown up". I'll be in Grad program.
....wow. I feel like it took me so long to move on from high school
how the heck am I suppose to give Brockport up??


Worrying is a waste of time...

He brought me back so I could move forward

The funny thing is I don't ever remember him calling me pretty, he never commented on my golden hair or my blue tear drop eyes. He never really physically showed me either. He never tried to kiss me and I don't think he ever reached for my hand, but I knew and he knew.

It was in his eyes. The moment he saw me his eyes lit up, they glowed, they dazzled. He followed me like a lost puppy and I loved it- and I loved him.

Ill never forget how long I cried. How hopeless I felt. I figured it was all my fault but I just wanted him back. Anything to have him look that way at me again.

I learned very young that love doesn't have to be spoken, nor felt, nor seen- just embraced. It's not in the air , it's not in the words, it's not in the kisses- but it's just there. To be taken fully and wholeheartedly. To be consumed and immersed with.

That boy taught me more about God's love than any Pastor or scripture could. He taught me how to sit back and be adored to be loved and to be longed for.

For so many years I have been quietly grieving my loss and turning it into hatred for him. Thankfully, God brought me back this weekend so I could move forward. Now, I just want to thank him for teaching me love- without even meaning to.

TWOlives

Sooo- I came home for a break from school & I am comfortable here. This is the place I know. I know the people, I know the streets, I know the restaurants, I know the gossip, I just know.

I was never scared of leaving. I knew I could make it at Brockport. I just didn't realize that what I knew would change.

I wanted to come back & know that someone missed me. I wanted to come back & find that they couldn't survive without me. I wanted everything to pause as I moved forward.

But it didn't. I changed. They changed. Streets changed. Stores changed. It's not the same place. Yet, I still feel comfortable here.

Comfortable, however, is no longer in the cards for me. Home feels like a dead end to me. Like the Bermuda triangle-as if I could get stuck there forever-

I finally feel like I have moved on. Even if I wanted to pick up my old habits, & live my life here again, I wouldn't be able to.

These weekends remind me exactly what life is suppose to be about... not what it use to be about. I could keep on living these two lives, talk one thing and walk another but I can't anymore.

I raise the white flag and allow God's Kingdom to move in.
.I. .f.i.n.a.l.l.y. s.u.r.r.e.n.d.e.r.

_Captivating_Romanced_

"Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breathe in order to win your heart.God's version of flowers and chocolate and candlelight dinners come in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion." p. 116




"The culture of woman in the church today is crippled by some pervasive lies. 'To be spiritual is to be busy. To be spiritual is to be disciplined. To be spiritual is to be dutiful.' No, to be spiritual is to be in a Romance with God. The desire to be romanced lies deep in the heart of every woman. It is for such that you were made. And you are romanced, and ever will be" p. 127




"She's talking about going to church and singing hymns. Nope. Worship is far more passionate, far more abandoned. Worship is what we give our hearts away to in return for a promise of life. Some worship fashion; others worship a boyfriend or husband. We are really limitless in what we will give our hearts away to. Movies, food, shopping, gossip, you name it, I've bowed to them all." p.123




"What were the things that romanced your heart as a girl? was it horses in a field? Was it the fragrance of the air after the a summer rain? Was it a favorite book like The Secret Garden? The first snowfall in winter? Those were all whispers from your lover, notes sent to awaken your heart's longings. And as we journey into a true intimacy with God as woman, he often brings those things back into our lives, to remind us he was there, to heal and restore things that were lost or stolen" p.116

.:.seeds.:.

Have you ever sat back and wondered why you are the way you are...

What really formed you into you? Could Freud be right?
Could the method of potty training really affect your organizational skills?
Did your parent's choice of discipline affect you psychologically?
Was your fourth grade crush the reason you fear commitment now?
Did your parents divorce ruin your views on love?
Was there someone praying for you before you were even born?
Are you on someone's prayer list even though you have never met?


**I believe that there are people who have planted seeds in my life,
in which I have never and will never meet.
**I believe that when my Pre-K teacher wrote "ill be praying for you"
in my yearbook, that she really did.
**I believe that when the christian girl in my school fasted her lunches
that she prayed for me.
**I believe that it is unfortunate that I'll never be able to know who
has put such dedication in my life to make me who I am today.
**I believe that although all seeds do not sprout before your eyes,
each one is placed there for a reason and over time they will always grow.


I'm ready to reap a harvest. But first, I must plant some seeds-
whether they know it or not.

[[courting]]

Its just like God to take something I thought I
knew everything about and completely flip it upside down...


I understand dating. I get the cat and mouse game.
I have dominated the field of mind games and I know
a little too much about flirting. But, [[courting]]
sounds so much better. So pure, so real and so [[perfect]].


Wikipedia explains Courtship as:
the traditional dating period before engagement and
marriage. During a courtship, a couple dates to get
to know each other and decide if there will be an
engagement. Usually courtship is a public affair,
done in public and with family approval.

It includes activities such as dating where couple go
together for a dinner, a movie, dance parties, [[a picnic]],
shopping or general "hanging out", along with other forms
of activity. Acts such as meeting on the internet or virtual
dating, chatting on-line, sending text messages or picture
messages, conversing over the telephone, writing each
other [[letters]], and sending each other flowers, songs,
and gifts constitute wooing.

Main Principles from Leave "Dating Behind: a Road Map to Marriage"
by Christina Rogers are:
* The guardianship responsibility of fathers over
single daughters.
* The responsibility of parents to prepare their
children for marriage in all respects, and for youths
to be prepared in terms of talents, education, vocation
and finances prior to seeking a courtship relationship.
* The mentoring role of parents or other suitable
"accountability couples" in a given courtship.
* Supervision of courtships to mitigate temptations
or abuse, whether of a sexual, emotional or financial nature.
* Emphasis of the importance of marriage as an opportunity
for Christian service rather than a selfish endeavor.
* Emphasis of the importance of singleness before
marriage as a time for greater [[Christian service]]
in the community, rather than a time to be employed
in selfish pursuits.
* Emphasis of the importance of counsel and evaluation
by family and friends as a relationship progresses.
* Emphasis of the importance of [[honesty]] and getting
to know one another as real people in "normal life"
during courtship (as contrasted with the dating habit
of meeting during special events and entertainment while
on one's best behavior.)
* The maintenance of sexual [[purity]].



..is all this possible? Granted, I know all things
are possible through Jesus Christ who strengthens me
Mark 9:23, but dating has been such a big part of
my life. Not to mention fun. But this is not my [[season]]
for it. I'm going to sit this one out for a little,
take some time for myself, for my friends, for God-
and maybe like everyone says I'll just look up someday...
and [[he'll be there]].

Friday Night Lights

"Friday night butterflies, like clockwork they'd arrive.
A little chill in an October sky- nervous til the kickoff came.
Four quarters win or lose. Spent Saturdays black and blue,
but it was what I loved to do and it was more than just a game.
It was my life and it was fun, another season of my life is done.
Another race I'm glad I got to run, another chapter in my life
its over. No I'm never gonna feel like that again "
-Kenny Chesney




"There is a time for everything and a season for every
activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to uproot."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-2



"You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant
moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow
complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them
for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be
taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've
been that you realized how much you need it, how much you
love it. God, I love this game. "
-One Tree Hill


.::.people think I'm stuck in the past <<but really>> I just prefer another season.::.

my definition of beauty

:::I gave myself 10 minutes towrite downeveryday items I find beautiful:::

the sunrise
the flower in the sidewalk
good morning texts
friendship
smell of coffee roasting
the wind
fallen leaves
golden trees
being yourself
living free
dangling earrings
empty park benches
decorated picnic tables
small talk
ipods
playmixes
architecture
freshly planted trees
flip-flops
scarfs
God's word
brunettes
blonds
redheads
flowing skirts
curly hair
hard work paying off
unexpected gifts
smiles
anklets
bright highlighters
kindness
laughter
perfect smile
an A+
getting out of class early
sarcasm
eyeshadow
fresh cut grass
sunshine
lunch dates
dancing
singing
pumpkin spice lattes
genuineness
a good book
old school music
Friday night football game
ripped jeans
a stolen kiss
high heels
yearbook signatures
my sister
humility
late nights
flowers of all sorts
diamonds
weddings
devotion
blue eyes
green eyes
hope
lip gloss

::::::Try it, you may surprise yourself::::::

He knows.

I am so glad he knows. Everyday I wake to hear of another
heartbreak, another loss, another cry of desperation.
he knows. he heals. he restores.


"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"
Everything, Lifehouse

Your cries are never void.

It's Time

November 2006:
It's a time to live life, it's a time to make mistakes,
it's a time to realize we are turning into our parents and
*hopefully* stop it. It's a time to [[[ m a k e f r i e n d s ]]] ,
it's a time to lose friends, it's a time to --FalL iN lOvE-- and
it's a time to break hearts. It's a time to forget things, it's a
time to make memories, it's a time to never be alone, and
it's a time to figure everything out for ourselves.
It's a time to cry about what we use to laugh about and it's a time to
laugh about what we use to cry about. It's a time to
[[[ h a t e o u r s e l v e s ]]]because .w.e.r.e. t.r.y.i.n.g. making it
on our own and it's a time to love ourselves because we
are finally doing what we always wanted to do. It's a time to just
let go of some things and it's a time to [[[ t r y t o h o l d o n ]]] to
all that we can.
*to only being young once..

The Love Story

The Love Story

Like any other girl I have previously lived my love life through movies like The Notebook. I believed that men rode in on white horses and I expecting them to treat me like those fictional characters. With this false belief I have continually had my heart broken with every man I met. I have been emotional and physical abusive relationships. After the last relationship I had officially given up. I have internalized these failures and blamed myself. It took years for me to truly find love. So when I found this true love I decided I wanted to tell the world my love story. I wanted to describe a real love to every searching girl, so she could know that love does exist and to not give up on finding it. This is a real life love story filled with aches and pains, generosity and forgiveness. But it is a love that it is not depicted too often.
It is hard to explain how we first met. I had heard stories here and there from friends that just absolutely adored him. I had always meant to find him, but somehow he found me. It was just one of those magical moments when you know your life will never be the same. I knew instantly that he felt the same way. Although he did not say it in words, he showered me with gifts and there was always a smile on his face as he looked deep into my heart. We spent endless hours together and surprisingly he never got bored with me. He listened to all my stories and never lost interest. I felt like we had known each other forever, I could not understand how I had made it this far in life without him. He knew me from the inside out.
The things he did for me would just melt any girl’s heart. Towards the beginning of our relationship he had given me a book that changed my life. It seemed as if had written me a love story. Inside I found the true desires of my heart written in black and white. Every word he wrote was delicately chosen and thought out. His love poured out of every page. And for the first time I felt the true promise of forever. I had no idea my heart had ached for these words so much, until I saw them. Granted I had only begun to get to know him but because of that book here was no more doubt in my mind, he was the one.
The next couple of weeks were just bliss. Nothing else seemed to matter. I found myself enjoying every detail of my life because of his love. Every day I woke to find a new reason to enjoy his company, there is just no other way to explain it. Meanwhile my friends turned green with envy and ex-boyfriends begged for a second chance. Nothing really hit me as hard though, when my parents questioned. They questioned his motives, they questioned his realness, and they questioned my sanity.
I let their words sink deep; I festered over them until they took over. I began to doubt his love for me. I mean honestly what did he really want from me? Why was he being so nice? There had to be a catch. I began questioning his every move, losing faith in his words and worst of all I tried to hide my feelings from him. He could see I was acting different but he never lost patience with me. He just stood tall. He waited until I was ready to talk and he listened. He sympathized with every word that left my mouth. He held me until my tears began to dry and then he asked if he could take me to his special place.
I was hesitant to follow him but I had never been treated so fairly and loving before. He brought me to a place on campus, where the cars don’t drive by and the students don’t see. And then, as if we were in a movie, we danced. The only witnesses were the stars. It was just him and I in our open field. My worries never seemed so far away, my life never made more sense; I had never been more loved.
The next time I visited this field I went alone. There I found a newly planted garden. I had told him multiple times before of my love for flowers and now that it was. Most girls receive a rose here and there or maybe a dozen on holidays, but I had garden full. A garden made just for me.
Time had passed and we went through what any couple goes through when they are figuring out their lives. He was older than me and upon his graduation he was hired out of state. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he asked me “Will you follow me?” What girl could possibly say no? Sure, I had my own plans, my own desires but he needed me and I loved him. He was the only one who had shown me true compassion, love and forgiveness. He had never failed me before and I knew that if I put his plan first I would be taken care of. I put faith in his love and I know it was the right thing to do.


to be continued...

Statement of Faith

While in seventh grade I was led to a Girl Scout group where the leader was also a youth group leader of a local church. I remember being very excited about the church but I was not mature enough to grasp the meaning behind the will of God. I can see now that many seeds were planted in this season. Right before High School I moved to a different part of town and no longer attended this church. Throughout these years I did grow closer to God. I never denied His existence but I had no relationship with Him. The summer prior to my College years I decided that I would find a Christian group on campus as soon as possible. At the time I had no idea why I felt such a strong urge to seek God but I thank Him for this calling everyday. The first weekend at school they had each club/organization advertising outdoors, I immediacy found BASIC. Fall 2006 was the beginning of a beautiful harvest season. I quickly feel in love with my home church Christ Community and was water baptized for the first time on November 19, 2006. I struggled greatly with my worldly views and lifestyle but I never doubted God’s love for me.
I would say Jesus became not only my Savior but Lord in April 2007. At the time I had a long time boyfriend whom I had just received a diamond ring from. I longed for this ring; I begged for this ring; I worshiped this ring. During the conference I was singing “Your Grace is enough, your Grace is enough for me….” and I froze. I looked up at my raised hands and I began to feel sick to my stomach. The ring no longer represented love and security but greed and sin. Right then I had learned the difference between being in the world and of it. The next two months I rearranged my life and met face-to-face with God daily. Unfortunately that summer when I went home I began to pick my struggles back up one by one. At the return on school I no longer felt worthy of God’s goodness. My brothers and Sisters in Christ did not give up on me. I began to focus on the incoming freshman girls and made sure they felt welcomed at our life-groups, socials etc. I began to spend more time alone and tried to reconnect with God without leaning on people. He, of course, answered the door and began to speak to me very loudly through His word. Everywhere I turned the word love screamed at me. I began to feel this immense love for everyone. I understood struggles and never felt the need to condemn any sin. I found myself preaching to everyone about just having a genuine relationship with God no matter what sin or stereotype they were stuck on. As simple as that may seem, I have seen far too much judgment passed by Christians for the lost to feel accepted by even God. I believe God led me to the field of Social Work at SUNY Brockport to share that very message. Almost everyone I have met is struggling with rejection and self hatred issues, and my heart breaks for them and I not only want but I need to give my life to being these souls back to Christ.
The reason I feel so called to work with Mercy Ministries, or an organization with the same mission, is a true testimony all in its self. At the same BASIC conference where I had given my life to God, I received my calling exactly a year later. It was another glorious gathering of hundreds of college students at this conference from all over New York State. I felt God speak to me many times this weekend. At the beginning He assured me after the heartache of last year, that this weekend would bring me peace. The weekend was soothing but I was becoming worried because I was not feeling challenged by anything. With this aside it was the second night when God gave the main speaker a word for me. He stopped his sermon right in the middle and had the entire conference pray over me. He spoke many good things which included my heart and love for people and nations, my desire to serve God’s Kingdom and my calling to His ministry. I was shocked that God would be so gracious to me. Later that night we were given the chance to be re-baptized in the Holy Spirit. Although I do not know when my first encounter with the Holy Spirit was I know it has been present even before my water baptism. During this the second main speaker prayed over me. He spoke of how I had doubt my calling was into the missions’ field and that if I let God carve me out to be the woman I was meant to be I would see what He saw in me. He also spoke of how I would lead blazes of fire and goodness and grace would follow, which I took as being an advocate or the voice of change. I was again thanking God for his word when a third pastor prophesied over me. He began with, “the greatest of these is love” and I knew that this was no other then God. He spoke very briefly about love and then hit me with the line I will never forget, “you are meant to work with young wounded woman”. That same weekend a friend of mine was at a business conference where they collected money for your ministry. As soon as I mentioned what had been spoken to me he shared your story with me. I knew this is exactly what I wanted to do. Restoring hope and transforming lives can only be done completely through Jesus and I would like to take any part I can in doing this. My flesh wanted to apply for this internship right away but I knew if it was God it would be made obvious.
I recently laid down my reliance on men in my life, which I feel was the strongest hold the devil had on my life. God rewarding my obedience rekindled the fire about your ministry. I was leaving my ex-boyfriend’s apartment when he opened a letter from you thanking him for his donation. I knew instantly that since I had closed a door God had opened a window for me.
I have much to learn in my Christian walk but I am very willing to give my life to serve God. I have spent the last five months working as a secretary at my Church I was not only responsible personnel but finances of the Church. I was also recently asked to be the PR director of BASIC, our Christian group on campus. I believe my hunger for God is leading me to very exciting opportunities that will equip me to serve Him throughout my life.