She bought a Bible today

My heart burst with joy. She has no idea.
She doesn't know how precious she is in God's eyes- but she is starting to catch a glimpse of it.
She doesn't know how gifted she is- but she is starting to notice some positive qualities she has.
She doesn't know that someday her hands will heal- but she is beginnign to reach out more.
She doesn't know how much of an inspiration she is to me- but I hope someday she will.
My heart delights in her spirit. And she still has no idea.

She bought a Bible today and I helped her pick it out.
She was thankful I went with her- but I am eternally grateful she called me.
How is it we take souls for granted?
He doesn't. That is all he concerned about.
So the question is: Why aren't we....?

The Grass is Greener

There's life and then- there is life.

I guess I should explain...

When I was younger my Mother was engaged and he was pretty much my Father from 2nd to 6th grade. I don't remember exactly how the story went but he worked somewhere a few hours away and the halfway point from where we lived and where he worked was a little town called Greene. I won't drag this out... when I was in 6th grade he left. Whatever. That's my sad story. Everyone has one- that's mine. I've dealt with this, I have had some good counseling and some good love from both my biological father and Lord Savior. But that's not where the story lies... There is life and then, there is life.

On the surface we are two giggly girls heading into the Taco Bell parking lot. We order the same things, we have the same laugh for eight years now. We talk about love, hope, heartbreaks, old times, our future, families. We talk about life and LIFE. Like the fact her mother has forgotten her birthday a few years in a row or that she never had a home-home since the divorce.

Next story. She laughs, she smiles, she tells me about growing up dancing. We enter the house and I feel the pressure. I see the perfection. And it hurts, it really hurts. She has a life and to everyone else it looks great. But then she has a life, a hidden, dark, and very hurtful life.

Last one. Cheerleader, blond, artist, corvette, she has life and a life. Like when her boyfriend dumped her that was life and it hurt. But when her father missed her graduation that was life.

Here is the point.. I went to visit a friend who lives in Greene yesterday. Greene, yes the town all my dreams were suppose to come true at and you know what? My dreams were not there. Obviously, but I thought they might be... I mean a *new-glam* life is a big promise to an 8 year old girl and I bought it. And that is life.

We all have hurts and we all have wounds. Wounds are hurts that never seem to go away. The common theme that follows you around. I wish I could be detailed and use imagery to woo you all to understand what a wound is. But think about it... in the hallways you see the girl upset about the bad grade she just got, but really she is worried that her parents are going to make her move out if she gets another B. They never believed in her- just pushed her. See there is life and then there is life.

When we sit at taco bell and talk about ex-boyfriends that broke our heart we talk about life. But then when we sit in the parking lot we talk about those who have violated us and how that has ruined our view of boundaries.

Catch it? Life and Life. Simple everyday stuff that makes us laugh & cry but then the *real* stuff that silently makes us suffer? But I am here to tell you the grass is not greener on the other side. The dreams I built as a child were foolish, they were made out of fears and materialism. But the dreams God have made for me are beautiful, wonderful, intricate, and fantastic... the best part? Not only is the grass green where I am standing now but I only know a fraction of everything He has planned out for me!

::::This time I am letting the right "daddy" make my dreams for me::::

From the outside...

I started reading the book "Boy meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship" today.
I bought it forever ago, but I was not ready for it then.
I am at least ready to say I was wrong... and I need to do this right this time.
After I finished some chapters I had planned on visiting an old friend
whom is six months pregnant and just found out it is a girl.
To some, this would be disastrous.
She's 21, not married no college degree etc etc..
Before leaving, my step-mother & I went through all of my baby sister's clothes
and gave her three bags worth of beautiful outfits.
I also went and bought some diapers, baby bottle, etc.
I went over to her house thinking I was such a good Christian and friend.
But I started to notice with each baby outfit she opened she was so *joyful*
::it was very ironic::

Neither one of our lifestyles are perfect by any means-
We have both made the same mistakes.
Neither one of us are loved by God any more so...
but the world views us so differently.
One, becoming a harsh statistic in our society but glowing with joy regardless.
And the second, trying to pursue a renewed relationship based on Godly principals and purity and fighting her entire way through it with selfishness and ignorance.

In both situations, God is in control.
In both situations, God is going to get the glory
-yet to others, one looks much better from the outside.
And the other looks like what some people would call a "lost cause"...

I also prayed last night knowing I was going to see her today that maybe (even though I am just an old friend- like seriously middle school old friend) that she would make me Godmother then I could dedicate myself to having this child know and love God.
*I instantly got sick to my stomach*
How selfish of me, thinking I need or I would even want a title to pray for someone, to provide various ways to show Christ in their life... I should be consistently doing that without ANY sense of self or praise needed.

There she was: selfless, kind, hardworking and pregnant.
And here I am: self-centered, rash, but with a cross around my neck.

...I don't know if this post will mean anything to anyone else, or frankly if anyone else will understand it. But the world is so quick to judge. They are so easily fooled by statistics and first glances. Maybe God let me see through His eyes a little tonight, because from my presepective I was the one needing more grace than she. I was the one acting in selfishness and hypocrisy. I was the martha in the kitchen when all Jesus wanted was someone to enjoy His presence.

She was beautiful, glowing and three months away from birthing a baby girl and that is something I would say is *far from* a lost cause. I pray that God will bless this baby and her mother and that I may learn not to assume who is in need of Grace, but let God show me through His eyes.

Operating Outside the Natural

I can't sleep. I just have to explain this feeling.

I don't know when it started or if I have been acknowledging it as long as I should have, but wooo- my goodness, I can not even explain how obvious the favor of the Lord has been on me lately. For those who truly know me, know I believe I deserve nothing from Him, I always feel like I am not good enough, not surrendering enough, not the 'type' yet, however how easy do we forget- It's not about how much we love Him but how much He loves us. And literally I thank God for that. Because wooo- I honestly would be screwed it was the other way around.

God spoke over me several times that I would bring healing to wounded girls. And for the past well almost year now, have desperately wanted to Intern at Mercy Ministries. Mercy has been very encouraging and consistent with my inquires. The issue was getting the Social Work department at Brockport to accept Mercy as an appropriate internship. I have called, I have advocated. I kissed butt. This Monday I had the big decision making meeting with the field director. And trust me I have hear ::horror:: stories, countless about this interview. So knowing me, I was nervous. I was dreading this interview. To be completely honest, I doubted.

So, I walked in. Folder in hand- with that look on my face. I was determined. The field director however was light-hearted. She was pleasant, she was easy going she was not doubting. She had accepted the internship long before I set up my folder. She had accepted the internship long before I had practiced out my arguments. She had accepted the arguments way before I entered that room with that look. She accepted the internship the moment God made the plan. It was spoken by him, how could that be broken? How could I have doubted? The meeting went just... perfect. I mean I am choked up even thinking of how easy it was. Nothing at the moment in my life or hers was operating in the natural. nothing. It was so absolutely obvious God was in control. Even if I do not make it down to Nashville, God created that moment on purpose.

That same night I went to Roberts Wesleyan for an info session about their Grad School. And it just felt right. I do not even plan on applying anywhere else. Same as Brockport (granted I really wanted Geneseo at first) the Lord just brings me at peace instantly with these huge decisions. When I had got their i already knew two of the staff members and quickly warmed up to the others. God is juts so gracious sometimes.

Most importantly though, are BASIC's efforts to put on another outreach. I am heading up PR and without going into so much detail (because again I should be in bed) things are working out so incredibly amazing. Our goal was to focus on the band's Mission project. Isaiah Six is putting great efforts into the water crisis in Africa. We decided to market that for our outreach. In this time of change and great need our entire society (minus the Citibank corporates who just bought another jet) seem to be more than ever ready to help those in need. With the 'Change' campaign Obama, if nothing else, has brought a great hope back to our culture. Therefore, within two days I have been able to recruit three huge campus organizations who are more than willing to help. I feel as if God really has his heart set on this campus and with bringing the different groups together for the cause- He is going to get a lot of Glory and a lot of lost relationships brought back to Him. I no longer doubt, I know this outreach is going to surpass all of our hopes.
... it has to. We are no longer operating in the natural.


So this is a welcome post, welcome to walking in the favor. We're glad you could make it.
Isaiah 61:1-11

Here's to 22

In January 2011 my longest standing best friend turned 22.That same month began what would be the ultimate separation for us physically. It had come time where our paths were going to split ways and adulthood stood imminent at our doorsteps. After living in Nashville for three months I returned to live with her for two weeks as we both graduated from Undergrad. She returned home that summer, I stayed in the area and began my year long MSW program. Throughout this whole year we were separated by miles, but of course never by heart. We jokingly recall "22 was a bad year" it was the year we would never dare go back to. Although both of us accomplished big dreams, made great decisions educationally- we made some interesting choices that led to some serious heartaches, bellyaches, and hour long phone conversations. To say the least it was most definitely the year that taught us the most about oursleves, each other, faith, and how harsh the world around us can be. We kept track throughout the year of one liners that described our year and continually joked, "cant wait for 23!". We are both now half way through our year of 23 and I really feel like the tribute to 22 I always promised her is due. So this one is for you Kirsten and thanking God we are no longer 22!

• Twenty-two is watching everyone else but you get married.
• Twenty-two is having a degree but being completely broke
• Twenty-two is sorting out classmates by who's pregnant, engaged, or gay
• Twenty-two is not wearing makeup 75% of the time because it just doesn't matter anymore. Then when you do put it on, you worry the whole night that it was a waste of your time and that these people were not worth the lip gloss you just bought
• Twenty-two is at first only having time for then becoming addicted to fast food
• Twenty-two is constantly thinking life should be more fun that it is but realizing you don't have your own places to live yet
• Twenty-two is dipping into the Europe fund have been saving for years to then just buy mixed drinks at a lame bar
• Twenty-two is realizing it is way to late to change your major/career choice

• Twenty-two is becoming good friends with your exs because you are not actually mad at them anymore

• Twenty-two is realizing how much you can save on an electric bill by turning off the lights when you leave

Twenty-two is turning to a television show for your weekly dose of romance

• Twenty-two is making a resume to just get hired as a waitress
• Twenty-two is starting to realize how messed up marriages from your childhood really were
• Twenty-two is manipulating your friends to drive because you really cant afford your gas
• Twenty-two is "you guys have david bridals, I have taco bell to cope"
• Twenty-two is trying to break all the rules...  but knowing the consequences so not actually doing it.
• Twenty-two is about going to the bars with our parents more than our friends
• Twenty-two is living off of b-day/graduation money
• Twenty-two is sneaking out to see kid movies
• "Here is to 22... cheers... we won our mind games"
• "I don't actually approve of 22, making mistakes always seemed like a simple idea but it hurts other people too much..."
• Twenty-two is realizing not only do you not know anything about life but figuring out you never really did
• Twenty-two is is an identity crisis
• Twenty-two is a switch of plans you never intended but grinning and bearing it anyway
• Twenty-two is the justification of why you cant really chase your dreams
• Twenty-two is the credit card callers waking you up instead of good morning texts
• Twenty-two is a negative balance in your bank account when you really just want a dollar coffee
• Twenty-two is the zest of a new job- only to realize it is a sour lifestyle
• Twenty-two is finding faith in God because nothing else seems to hang around for long
• Twenty-two is experiencing the real feeling of being lonely: lonely as a routine. There are hundreds of people you talk to but no one who really knows you
• Twenty-two is breaking up with 'the love of your life", discovering there is a lot more in life to love
• Twenty-two is flying out to fancy hotels to meet the boy you know is going to break your heart soon enough
• Twenty-two is actually beginning to voice your opinion at the dinner table and having relatives entrust in what you are saying and valuing your opinion
• Twenty-two is feeling more so than ever the longing for something real, deep and meaningful- something worth living for and waking up to each day
• Twenty-two is internships, student teaching, coupon clipping and maxed out credit cards
•  Twenty-two is over... thank God. 

I have to say 23 has been much better for both of us. She has found herself in a great relationship where mind games and mixed drinks are not necessary. I have returned to my faith-based love and have stop aching for 'more' elsewhere. Both of us again reached significant goals and have seen some of our dreams flourish and other die.


To summarize the year I could say that three things remain: Faith, Hope, and Love and greatest of these is Love. But in our own words three things remain: Taco Bell, negative bank accounts, and friendship. Of course, the greatest of these being friendship. So here's to 23... and many years to come. 

As I swept up the pieces

What do you do when something breaks? I just knocked off a precious moment porcelain doll from my dresser. It was a blond, blue eyed girl with a diploma in her hand. She was smiling ear to ear and there was hope in her eyes. My Mother bought it for me and now its smashed to pieces.

My normal reaction to when things break is to cuss. I have to admit I probably cuss the most when I drop things. Not when I am actually mad or upset but more an automatic response to dropping something. Things as simple as a binder lead me to drop a few bombs. What a weird occurrence...

Tonight I didn't swear. I didn't even budge. That precious moment was the only trinket I had out proudly displayed and now its smashed... I felt so powerless. And as I swept up the pieces and thought I can't let the irony go on this one... the smashing of my graduation, the feeling of powerlessness....

I drove a client home tonight. He told me about working the streets and we discussed how much "easier" it seems to work the streets then to follow God and do good. Broke my heart. I know it is only the first of many times that it will break. I want to just do my job and go home. Make a difference while I can, but bring them back to the hood as I travel out to suburbia. But, I am not making a true difference that way. Jesus met the fishermen on the boats and at shore... He did make them eventually leave that occupation, but He met them where they were at, even when it seemed *unsafe*

So many things rush through my mind when I think inner-city. Urban Youth. Street Life. "Why me?", is the biggest thing. I know God is glorified through our weakness and all but wow... it's like take this example you want to tell someone about Jesus but they say they can't focus because they are hungry so you feed them. After they are fed they ask you about Jesus again and you give them a Bible to read. Turns out they can't read because they dropped out of school in fourth grade. Okay, so you wonder why they dropped out of school and they tell you about their negligent parents. Then you ask what their home life is like now and they tell you the shelter they are living at, bringing it back full circle that they can't focus now because there is only so much time left to get back to the shelter to secure their spot for the night.

...so where do you start? Do you feed them, house them, counsel them, tell them about Jesus? At what point are you making a difference. Is it all just Band-aids or true healing.

It's just so much and I don't want to drop the ball and let my dreams smash to the ground leaving me wanting to cuss out the God who brought me here. Don't get me wrong deep down I know there is hope and I know there is a way and I know God will never leave me and I know that God equips us and I know He is our refuge... but man oh man this Urban Ministry is no joke. And if I walk away, how many others did also? How can we ignore what is going on just a few zip codes away? If I am scared to just drop people off- imagine what living there is like...

As usual I refer to my hope secured, Joshua 1:6-9
“Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

God- I need you on this one. I told you I'd follow where you led me and I don't want to back down from my word, so send me down some extra loving tonight, I would appreciate it.