"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart." --Psalm 51:6
About six weeks ago I was having lunch with someone I don't really know too well, kind of a new friend, someone who was feeling me out and trying to see what I was all about. Our conversations turned from the local news, to pop culture, christian lifestyles, past relationships etc.
Throughout the conversation I said different things about stuff I had opinions on, ya know- nothing major but would drop a hint here or there and then quickly move onto the next subject. At the end of the conversation he asked me why I never explained or backed up my points of view. For example, my disinterest and disappointment about Oprah and her influence on this country. His question left me speechless.
I have thought about it ever since and I realize I do it with everything I am passionate about. Quoting things like "Don't get me started" or "well lets not go there"... but why? Why do I push off these topics?
I have been told I am almost too passionate about the Lord before and that I can't keep my desire for Him out of my conversations, but what about my thoughts towards politics, family structures and insecure girls. A lot of my close friends know how I feel but why is it I can't stand ground when it comes to those older than me or my family members?
I feel like it has a lot to do with faith. Most of what I believe is rooted deep within me in places I really just don't understand. Most of the things I feel so strongly about I derived my opinions and judgments out of relationships and stories from those I love. I observe what our society does towards people and the reactions they inversely giveback and... I just know. I know when things are wrong. I know when there is an injustice. I just can't verbalize it. I can't articulate the emotions behind oppression. I can't discuss what it is like knowing there are children crying out for their parents without an answer because they sold them into into sex rings. A little less on the serious side, I know what it is to feel a broken heart after being so vulnerable with those you love.
People want to argue facts. They want to talk policies and figures. They want to map out what is best and who benefits the most and who gets the cheese as one would say. But I can't; I feel what I feel. It comes out of those intimate times I spend with my Savior. Those little drops of wisdom He blesses me with when I really don't deserve it. I can't describe what it is like when God pours a little raindrop of revelation into me. I just know things. I feel things.
A lot of people think I am stubborn and becoming close minded... but I am just in love with Lord and the creator of the universe. I can't talk politics and health care when the weight of the world is on my heart. I literally FEEL when someone's heart breaks. That's not a statistic I can give you. I squirm at the THOUGHT of a box cutter, knowing someone has held that to their wrist.
Don't talk to me about the impracticality of a teenager having a child when you can't see the strength within that young woman!!! She is a child of God and He can get her through anything. I don't understand why people think those who have children young are so low class, so *see now I can't think of a proper word* they think she is so beneath them when all I can do is thank the Lord she is caring the child full term. A child is another chance to make this world right--- don't you DARE talk to me about welfare and the drain on society as you indulge on your third vacation of the year, surrounded by your loving family. Just don't.
And that is why... that's why I can't go deeper. Sure, some of my thoughts and judgments are my own and they are not from the Lord and I really am messed up and opinionated, but some-- some is wisdom. Wisdom that I am proud of. Wisdom that I will keep away from the dinner table but will someday speak to multitude that will listen and believe because they have faith, not facts.
I believe it more so now than ever. It has been confirmed four times today by four different women in my life. I am wise. This is something I have been trying to lie to myself about. Yes, I may be an A student but I will never understand the ways of this world... I mean not only am I a woman in a man's world, I am young, I am blond, I don't read Newsweek and I can't even tell you what channel Cspan or Fox news are. But I do have some wisdom in me! And I am proud to announce that that wisdom only comes out of the vulnerability I have to say that I am nothing without my God, my Abba, the romancer of my soul. The more I surrender to Him, the more I will learn about his world and the way He created it to be. At that point he will give me the words needed and the strength necessary to share my wisdom of faith not facts.