I have written a lot lately. Most likely because I have so much I have been thinking about and this is now the only place where my sporadic thoughts come together and make sense...
I saw the movie Eat Pray Love tonight. I was not too thrilled about going to see this film but I knew it would make *her happy so I decided to go. Well there goes my close mindedness again. It's like I know that there are some things that really are not good for you that you should stay away from but unless some thing is directly bringing glory to God I have been shying away completely forgetting that He is everywhere and He is bigger than any idea hollywood has and He can shine through their movies.
Anyway-- it is one of those thinking movies, gets you wondering. Am I truly living and how is it I ended up where I am now. As *her and I talked we spoke about the part where the main character says that she was actively present in the decisions she made in her life... but once she found herself settled in them-- she was not happy. She was unfulfilled. We discussed further how we fill our bodies with food, we cover ourselves with the latest style, and hide our blemishes with the best makeup on the market--- yet still unfulfilled.
I could have married him. I could have actively planned each part of our life together. I could have gone somewhere different and far away for school. I could have studied abroad somewhere and experienced a new culture. I could have surrendered my innocence again. I could have ignored God's call to my life. So many choices I have made--- and I can honestly say I am happy with where I have arrived. Although my lifestyle is to never stay put and I constantly want to be working on myself and others, I am proud of where I am, who I am and the God I serve.
Sure, I have a lot to learn. And by the end of the week my heart will be broken, guaranteed, but something is coming alive inside of me again. I am smelling that fresh air, I have rejuvenating my hope-- I am living, fully. And all I can think about are the unique qualities that make me- me and how much I enjoy that about myself.
I am the loudest laugh-er at the movies.
And yes, I will step on your toes if we are dancing together.
I will always choose a Reese cup over well, anything.
One tree Hill is and has always been my guilty pleasure.
Secretly, I think I have side bangs to just have a guy tuck them behind my ears.
Wearing bows in my hair may be a style I never rid myself of and drinking ice coffee at midnight is a bad habit I honestly don't want to kick.
I am me. And someday someone will love that enough not to leave-- because they too will have been formed by God for me to love, to cherish, and it will be right. It won't be work, somehow it will just fit. But, that love is not for now. That does not mean it is not him, for sure- it's just not for now. Now, I am to be me, for me and for the God who created me.