I FIGURED IT OUT!

I totally 100% feel like I figured it out.
Granted last night I was a sobbing mess over trivial stuff...
but tonight, tonight I have it all figured it out.

After completing my worldly duties to this campus
I stopped by our spot.
The spot he always romances me at.
The spot that never ceases to fill my every once of soul with joy and love.
....ugggh I love when he meets me there...

So I went there.
And I'm not trying to soul search, I'm not trying to change myself, figure myself out, figure out what I have to do to fit in/prove myself, better the campus. I just sit there and we are chitchatting and I sing to him a bit.
((this is the part where you know its God because there is no man who would sit through me singing to him))
And he reminds me of her.
He simply says to go see her.
Done. those are my instructions and I'm off.

I won't go into the detail of our conversation because really... I don't think the world is ready for it. Even the blessings I have from this online world.

But I do know from the day I got saved, from the day I met God's grace, from the day he showed me his love I have been fighting the rest of the world.

((now you may be thinking, well hey this is normal...)))If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
John 15:19
You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved.
Matt 10:22

But I'm talking about those who I commune with. And no I am not talking about any one person, or leadership, or group... seriously no bashing no gossip just being honest. I have faught my way through this whole Christian thing... then there are times when I think I am just making excuses for myself because I want to live the lifestyle I live and love the man I love and still be with God... but I'm not. There is NOTHING different between me & the young woman who leads the 4,000 women in her church from 13-25 years old. Maybe in my eyes, maybe in yours....

BUT NOT IN GODS.

He doesn't see us for our mistakes.
He doesn't see us for our faults
He doesn't see us fro what we fail to do OR WEAR!!!!!!

He sees you.
He sees me.
He sees the broken.
He sees the healed.
he sees the hungry.
he sees the blessed.
He sees the worried.
he sees the sick.
He sees the violence.
He sees the love.

SO MANY TIMES I HAVE HEARD. Its not about your equipping but God will equip you once your there (or something that rhymes better than that) but... I always felt there was a clause there... like a fine print...

if you are good enough it reads.

maybe it was me... maybe it was a lie I was believing... but I just can't bring myself to take the blame. I feel as if I had one of those life changing trips to Africa or Vietnam myself.... like I experienced a life outside of Western Culture and now have footage to say all this as if I am... I don't know... different...?

But I didn't.
I just was on campus.
Not across the globe.
I was outside the library.
Not outside Liberia.
But he allowed me a glimpse...
He gave me that vision so many of my friends have been blessed to have.

For months my facebook box has read:
'For when those who are called to fish, fish- they flourish' Once you know who you are in Christ, you will change the world. Forget the sins, forget the Christian culture and just sit at the feet of Jesus


& I have always truly believed it but now I feel like I have the boldness to stop believing what others are telling me at the same time.

Maybe I've lost it.
Maybe I am 'falling away'
Maybe you'll pray for me because you are worried.
Maybe you'll think I've given up.

....but i'm 100% that really just figured it out instead.

this is what I believe.
and I'm not gonna change for you.