the urgency: it will always be there

If anyone is a faithful follower of this blog you will know two things: 1. I have not been writing nearly as much as I use to. 2. Somehow One Tree Hill inspires me to write.

Earlier today I received a text from a hometown friends inquiring about my lack of blogging. I honestly did not have an answer for him. It makes me laugh so hard reading my last post. Praise the Lord so much has changed since then. God has won the battle for my heart-- you may ask: what's new right? Well- what's new is I can honestly say that I understand the scripture-- Philippians 3:8: "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ".

Nothing compares to God's love. Nothing on this earth can bring enough-- e.n.o.u.g.h anything. A man promising forever will never bring enough security. Enough money will never bring enough happiness. Having the right things, education, career, mission statement, or outfit will never bring enough acceptance. And those are not just words you can read and believe, it is something you have to experience and cling to.

And guess who already wrote about this? Well I wrote about the beginning stages of God blocking my paths to other securities. Then I broke through to those securities anyway.. and afterwards God, being both gentle and stern, says 'was it worth it Kerri?'. He knows the answer is no... only He is worth it. I wrote on my status the other night "It’s a beautiful misery falling in love with God. It’s like you have access to everything you've ever wanted-- but nothing in this world can satisfy you... except Him." A lot of friends didn't grasp what I meant--but I do, I actually get it now.

"You are good, You are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

On display for all to see

Oh, I'm running to your arms,

I'm running to arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign"

-Hillsong

With that being said, my second thought comes to this. The world will never be enough, yet it does not make the feelings we have in it not real. Should we act on them all? No. Do they give us insight into what parts of us need fulfillment in God still- absolutely. And our feelings 'feel' so real and urgent don't they? Have you ever sat up waiting for a text from someone that seems so absolutely important at that time? Have you ever screamed at someone in hopes that they would actually pull you closer? Have you ever brought harm to yourself physically or emotionally because at that moment it truly feels like life is never going to get better? We are so controlled by our emotions, impulses, and chemical reactions to pleasure and pain.

What really gets me though is our unwillingness to let go of emotions of the past. Now, I won't get real deep on this (although I could) how bitterness, unforgiveness, and false hope kill a soul (prov. 14:30) but more so the idol-ness we have for the good memories. The "one love" who got away. The baseball championship. The good ol' days. Something One Tree Hill will never let me forget. As I let the world slip away tonight and actually *relaxed* meaning I didn't do side work while hanging out with people or watching a movie- I remembered how real things felt at seventeen. Just as inspiring as my time with God now, was the emptiness that drew me near Him. Think about it, even the professional marketers know seventeen is where it is at. Where our emotions are raw, our impulses drive us to actually cave into those unnecessary advertisements, and there is a huge void needed to be filled- 

Last year I wrote this "Then there is the last day of my high-school career. We sat on the hood of my '93 and he gave me a guitar pick necklace. He made it. It was cheap. But I knew he cared. And I knew somewhere out there, there was :::real::: love. Unconditional love and I was going to find it." Now, I did find that love and it was not from the boy sitting on that hood-- and I am unbelievably grateful, content, and just overjoyed. But I also can't deny that life seems so real in the moment. That somehow memories don't fade entirely and if we let them, the emotions tag along for the long haul. Said best by P. Sawyer (and previously quoted on here before)

"Dear Molly, this is gonna sound a little strange but I'd like you to paint over my old closet door. The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself... make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface. Love Peyton."

As for now it is time for bed- Keep it real and above all else: Love.