He would have told you in a heartbeat I was a hypocrite.
Just the type of Christian he despised.
And I would have hung my head and silently died on the inside.
The dictionary defines a hypocrite as: "a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion//a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings"
And, I got to thinking... I never pretended I was something I was not and I never hid my true feelings. In fact, if anything I spoke about too much if anything-- ask my friends!
I don't preach a gospel about perfect people who meet up on Sundays to brag about their good works... I have always spoken about broken people created by a perfect God who have chosen to have an unmatched-unbelievably sustaining- relationship with their Savoir. That one word enough speaks of us needed to be 'saved'.
Guilt is not of God. Did I do some stupid things? Yes. But they were not stupid because they contradicted my "religious beliefs" -- they were stupid because they distanced me from the true Lover of my soul. I couldn't hear his soft whispers as I let this man fill my mind with flirtatious thoughts. I missed all the joy of His creation as I stayed up too late and awoke too early all to enjoy his company instead of His.
But I won't regret it. Not only was what I felt real (as written in the urgency post) but again it only led me to understand how much I LOVE GOD. He is not a part of my life, HE IS MY LIFE. I *refuse* to feel guilty.
In this whole "struggle" or what I would like to call human nature- the desire to be desired- I heard God whisper,